Too Soon - Chapter 1

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(Rated +12 for swearing.)

Meyersville, Indiana: 2073

Chapter 1
“It is my unfortunate duty to announce that the United States has entered a crisis.”

Hah, Kaylee thought, that’s definitely not the first time he’s said that.

The president, Jack Warsaw, was a stocky man with wired frame glasses. He stood behind a floating podium, looking up and down from the teleprompter in the middle of the stand.

“Last week, after the unfortunate Greenland glacier meltings, the amount of natural fresh water decreased rapidly. Canada, once our ally, has sent spies over the border to steal large amounts of our food units and water supply.”

“Americans can no longer survive on anything they want. Therefore, I’m instituting rations to every household. Each family will only be allotted two gallons of water and four food units per day.”

“Citizens, I can not tell hard this is going to hit us. We’re lucky, compared to the Asian and African countries now in shambles because of this epidemic. Unlike other countries, the US is already on ways to prevent droughts and food shortages. However, we take in to account that our environment is changing drastically…”

Kaylee rolled her eyes in disgust. “Turn off,” she murmured at the TV, and the old, holographic Cinescreen 2052 turned off immediately. She bounded across the tile floor of the cottage and picked up her eManual, turning on the screen to one of her favorite books, The Catcher in the Rye.

The old cottage wheezed around her as rays from the sun reflected through the bulletproof window panes. She settled down in her old leather chair next to the Cinescreen.

“Lean back.” The chair did as it was told, and moved instantly down into the lower position. Kaylee arranged her long, brown hair behind her and then focused intently on the book. Her freckles on the tip of her nose glowed in the sunlight and she kicked off her TechnoBoots that were making her feet sweat.

A couple of rooms away, Kaylee heard the front door slam, and the ominous foot steps that echoed through the house.

“I can’t believe it! First the reforms, now these rations? When will our insane government learn that a lot of us were already trying to conserve as much as much as they possibly could? You know what this crap is? Pure sh*t! The government has lost it!”

Jack Monroe came thundering through the living room, his boots clanking against the floor. He was wearing his usual farming apparel: a yellow, temperature-controlled suit and an EZ Tool attached to the belt at his waist. He stopped to stare at Kaylee for a second, who was lying haphazardly on the chair. He tilted his head – an odd little quirk he’d had since he was a baby – then sped of into the cottage’s thin hallway. He kept on talking as, Kaylee guessed, he’d changed; he wasn’t really thrilled with the new president, Mr. Warsaw.

By the time Jack had changed, Kaylee had rearranged herself on the chair, this time hanging upside down, her head close to the matching leather ottoman.

“Did you watch President Warsaw’s speech, Uncle Jack?” She asked as quarts of blood ran to her head. She already knew what her Uncle’s answer was going to be, since he was definitely Anti-Warsaw. He mostly watched all of the president’s speeches to just disagree and debate about the politics of what the government was going to try next.”

“Yes, and it was completely ridiculous. I think Warsaw made the whole debacle seem like a life and death situation.”

“But it is a life and death situation.” Kaylee retorted back. “Up,” she murmured, and the leather chair adjusted back into its original position. She sat up in the chair again and reached for her eManual.

“True, but unlike the rest of the population, we don’t have much to worry about. We grow our own food, and don’t eat those sickening, genetically mutated food units. Do you realize there are only seven farms remaining in the world, including ours? And we’re the only farm in the world that doesn’t supply our produce to the food unit factories!” Jack reached down for his belt and grabbed his EZ Tool. He fiddled with it before pressing a red button, and the contraption easily turned into a hoe.

“Have you realized that billions of people don’t even know what this is? They’ve never even seen a farmer’s hoe; something you seem to think is so common.” He pressed the red button again and the hoe transformed back into the neon orange EZ Tool.

“Everyone eats food units except us. You’ve told me a million times that scientific food is bad; that its non-renewable. Same with the water they make.” Kaylee sighed, then pulled on the sleeves of her polyester, hand-me-down sweater from her cousin Magda.

“Good,” Jack picked up his EZ tool and clipped it back onto his suit’s belt.

“Where’s Aunt Kit?” Kaylee asked , getting up from the chair and setting her eManual in its charger spot. It flashed green, meaning that the battery had been quickly restored.

“She’s in field eight planting the new banana plant with Cedric. Also the market is starting in a couple hours. We need you to sell the squash.”

“But Uncle Jack,” Kaylee whined, stomping on the wood floor with her naked feet. “I always get assigned to…”

“You have no choice,” Jack interrupted sternly, looking at the eManual in Kaylee’s hand. “Come, help me load the squash into the Turbo-T.” He motioned for Kaylee to follow him, then left the room and walked to the front door.

Kaylee stood in the middle of the room, feet planted in place as if she was one of the many trees outside. She didn’t want to go to the market this time. Going weekly only made her more embarrassed to be….

“Are you coming?” Jack yelled. Kaylee slowly slid her feet into her TechnoBoots and went racing to the front door.

(Short little first chapter to a sort of action adventure/sci-fi novel I couldn't really categorize! Hope you liked it and thanks for reading!)(
Last edited by JaneThermopolis on Tue May 18, 2010 10:13 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Apple of my soul,
Eats me whole,
Take one bite,
No delight,
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Kaylee seems like a very lovable character--a little Pippilongstocking-esque? It's great that you were able to do that within the first chapter, since now I do want to follow her story.

Very imaginative--it's hard to write about times that happened yet, but it's also very fun. :)

Only critique--you seem to be cramming a bit too many "futuristic" terms in the beginning. Telling the exact names of all these new technologies is kind of admitting to the reader that all of this isn't real. Toning it down a bit would make it more believable--if you're actually living in 2073, the Cinescreens and Technoboots would be everyday occurrences, and so you probably wouldn't make such a big deal out of them.
The wittiest thing is the simple truth.




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Hello!

A few nitpicks:

Each family will only be allotted two gallons of water and four food units per day


Two gallons of water a day seems really low. A common recommendation for people just for drinking is about 9 cups of water a day. A gallon only has 16 cups. That's not counting food prep, bathing or cleaning needs. So if your family is more than three people, they're going to be running into shortages just for drinking. Are there other methods to cleaning? You might want to mention them.

And what if a family has more people than four food units can feed? Are they going to starve? Are families limited in number? How is this working out to be fair for everyone? What if it were a ration per person rather than per family?

Seconding what ireylcadence said, the number of specific future brand name instances was pretty high and therefore really obvious. When I turn on my computer, I don't call it a Compaq in my head. It's just my computer. When your character turns on her holograph, she's not calling it a Cinescreen in her head (unless that becomes the common word for it). Just go with what your character would call it after having been using it for a long time.

There's only seven farms in the world? Is that like industrial farms or family farms? It seems like more people would have gotten into the homestead/family farm scene if food shortages were really all that bad. And if not, why is it that Kaylee and her family don't sell it to the food unit places? How much surplus do they have? How big is their farm? Is it just the family themselves farming by hand? Do they have machines? Employees? Obviously, some of this will probably be answered later in the story as we see more of their lives, but these are questions that really jumped out at me.

Not much story reviewing, but it's early in the piece and this bit is short. Looking forward to seeing where this is going!

~GryphonFledgling
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Hey, there, Jane, nice to meet you! I’ve been gone from YWS a while, so forgive me if I do anything wrong here. ^^; Anyway, this story’s title and synopsis caught my eye, so I thought I’d take a look.

I really like this opening segment. First of all, it does a great job of establishing Kaylee’s character—I like all her little mannerisms and so on, and the energy and excitement behind everything she does. She’s fun to read about, which makes it easy to like her right from the outset—I like her, and she’s barely done anything yet. XD

I also think you did a neat job making the setting unique—so many stories about the future take place in crowded, bustling, urban settings, so it was kind of neat to read one that was set on a farm. It helps the story stand out immediately, and that’s always a good thing.

I also like the other characters so far—Jack seems interesting, and I like the dynamic between him and Kaylee, they seem pretty natural. I’m interested to read more to find out how their characters will develop.

You’ve done a great job with the descriptions, too—I really like how well I could picture the cottage and Kaylee and the environment around her. Little descriptions like the way the sun made her freckles glow and stuff really pulled me into the surroundings of Kaylee’s world. I do kind of agree with ireylcadance about all the technology names, though—there were a little too many. XD It was fine until I got to the boots, then it started to pull me out of the world a little. Trust your readers—they’ll believe you that this is set in the future, because it says so at the top XD. The mention of all the tools can be more gradually worked in.

You know what this crap is? Pure sh*t! The government has lost it!”

I was thinking, if you feel like you have to censor your characters’ swearing, it might be best not to have them swear at all. Censoring like this looks kind of silly, and I don’t think anything would be lost if Jack didn’t say the s-word.

He mostly watched all of the president’s speeches to just disagree and debate about the politics of what the government was going to try next.”

Oops, caught a stray quotation mark.

“True, but unlike the rest of the population, we don’t have much to worry about.

This seems a little to calm and rational for someone who was just cursing and raging a few seconds ago.

In any case, even though this was a short introduction to your characters and world, I’m already really enthusiastic about them. This seems exciting, I’m curious to find out more about what’s going on and to get to know Kaylee better. I’ll be glad to check out chapter two! ^_^
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

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