Who is My Daughter? Chapter 2

This is Chapter two to 'Who is My Daughter?' Again, this view is from TOM



TOM




It's been six months after I've arrived back to my home planet. Sally had divorced me when I was in space. She got engaged to a man by the name of Mike. She's collected all of the stuff I had left at our old house that she moved out of and I've got a new house in Washington; the place I met Sally. The place we lived until I went to Jupiter. She now lives in Ohio. I knew she would give up on me. 16 years. We had seen each other almost every day on the camera video chat, though. Well, until... Mike. But I'd only seen Sadie, our daughter, once. To name her, only a few days after her birth, and then that was it. I'd expected to see her more often then once, but every time I reminded Sally of it, she would just say she needed something to do and log off. Eventually she didn't even give excuses.

After 3 years she started to miss me too much to handle.

"Baby, I miss you! Can you please come back sooner?" Sally had asked.

"No, I have to stay here. You know ... team needs me ... That stuff. I miss you too. I love you and Sadie." I had told her, sadly.

"Mmhmm, love you too." She said, aggravated

Then we had logged off.

After 6 years she started getting more and more angry with me.

"There could've been a way out of that contract! You weren't their slave, Tom! You left me here, all alone! I have feelings too, you know!" Sally had screamed at me.

"I know you have feelings and I tried everything I could! But if I had quit then I would've had to look for a job. How would you have liked living on the streets?" I had said.

"At least then I would've gotten to stay with you!" She had said, and turned off the camera without saying goodbye.


Then when 12 years passed she started an affair, but didn't tell me.

"Hey Tom..." She had said to me, nervously.

"Hey, anything wrong? You seem ... I don't know, anxious, I guess." I'd said.

"Oh, no, nothing. Just a little ... I don't know. Maybe a little too much coffee. I'm a little energetic." She had replied with a fake smile, saying everything a little too fast.

"You sure? Nothing you want to tell me?" I'd asked.

"Oh, no. Not really any updates. Boring! OK, I should go. I have to ... pick up Sadie! OK, bye!" She had said, again in a nervous rush.

"All right. Put Sadie-," Sally had logged off, "on next time." I had let out in a sigh.


When 14 years came by she revealed that she had an affair, and still was having it, and wanted a divorce.

"Listen, Tom, I'm having an affair. With Mike. You don't know him, but he's really nice. Very sweet. I need that support right now. I need you. But I don't have you. I'd like... I want... a divorce." Sally had told me, pitifully.

"W-what? You said you'd stay with me! Listen, I know it's been tough, but-but-" I had broken off here, in shock and about to just break down.

"I know! You've been telling me that for 16 fucking years! And how can I trust you when there are women on that ship? You're just alone with them for 16 years, you might as well, as well ... I don't know! Flirt with them? Date them?" She had said to me, sounding like she'd crack, too.

"How can you trust me? You're the one who cheated! Besides, I'm your husband!" I had screamed, my voice cracking.

"Well you're not for long." Then Sally had logged off.


After she told me that, we nearly never talked again. The years in between were basically just the growing of Sally coming to hate me more and more. The last video chat we had was me giving the 'OK' to divorce papers with her and my lawyers.

When I landed back on Earth, she sent me the divorce papers to sign to make it official and my stuff. I never saw Sadie except that one time on the camera a few days after she was born. The only other contact I had with Sadie was when I thought I heard her voice. It had been when she would've been 12. Sally had probably just started her affair with Mike, so she was acting a little strange. I'd heard a young, female voice yell,

"Mom, is that Dad? Let me speak to him! Mom, Mom, don't turn the camera off! Dad, Dad it's me!"

I'm pretty sure it was Sadie. Positive, almost. But then Sally had quickly said good-bye and turned off the camera, leaving me in despair. My ex-wife is sending Sadie to me to live with for a while. I knew I shouldn't have left. Now there's a big mess. The most wonderful woman ever has divorced me, and probably made my daughter hate me. This should be good.




Thanks for all the comments!


copyright April 27, 2010 maegardens

It's been six months after I've arrived back to my home planet. Sally had divorced me when I was in space. She's has remarried to a man namedIts not wrong but this would look better: by the name of Mike. She's collected all of my stuff I am not able to understand this part. Can you elucidate? and I've got a new house in Washington; the place I met Sally. The place we lived until I went to the moon. She now lives in Ohio. I knew she would give up on me. 16 years. Italicize it. We had seen each other almost every day on the camera video chat though.

After 3 years she started to miss me too much to handle. After 6 years she started getting more and more angry with me. 12 years she started an affair, but didn't tell me. 14 years she revealed that she had an affair, and still was having it, and wanted a divorce. After she told me that, we never talked again, at least when I was in space. This whole paragraph can take some editing and you can place some good words and make it better, This just seemed dull to me, but it can be just me.

When I landed back on Earth, she sent me the divorce papers and my stuff. I never saw Sadie, our daughter, except on the camera a few days after she was born, to decide the name. (The only other contact I had with Sadie is was when I thought I heard her voice. It had been when she would've been 12. Sally had probably just started her affair with Mike, so she was acting a little strange. I'd heard a young, female voice yell,

"Mom, is that dad? Let me speak to him! Mom, Mom, don't turn the camera off! Dad, Dad it's me!") The part in brackets was understood by me but you can make it more clear, I think.

I'm pretty sure it was Sadie. Positive, almost. But then Sally had quickly said good-bye and turned off the camera. Leaving me in despair. My ex-wife is sending Sadie to me to live with for a while. I knew I shouldn't have left. Now there's a big mess. The most wonderful woman has divorced me, and probably made my daughter hate me. This should be good.

I think the previous part was much better in terms of writing and imagery. Instead of narrating everything, show us through conversations, scenes etc. On the whole, it was an average chapter and after reading the previous one I assume you can do much better than this. Good luck. PM me when you have more and ask me any thing you want to.

Signing off for now!

Hey maegardens!

This was pretty interesting, but I feel like I'm being held at a distance from the story. Instead of telling what happens through narration, try showing us what happens. Show us the web chats, some of Tom's life in space, his arrival back on earth, him recieving the divorce papers.

I'd particularly like to see more of the video chat where he can hear his daughter.

By showing all of this to the reader, they become more engaged in the story. Use the five senses to portray things, use dialouge, action, description. It all will make the story more real, and will bring the reader into it.

One thing I noticed: any number under 100 should be written out. So 16 would be sixteen, 27 would be twenty-seven, 51 would be fifty-one, so on and so forth.

It has some great potential in the storyline, I'd just like to see more detail, more showing. PM me if you ever have any questions.

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

Hey guys, thanks for the reviews... I know, it's a little shabby, mainly just to explain what happened....I do that a lot in my stories, sorry.