So Beautiful, So Dead Chapter One

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So Beautiful,
So Dead

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Chapter One

The eerie house stood menacingly in front of me. Mom always loved old houses but for some strange reason she chose to live in the creepiest of them all. "Don't you just love it!" Mom said excitedly. Under my breath I said "That house with the caved in roof and boards on the windows and doors is looking pretty good right now." Not taking her eyes from the house Mom turned her face towards me "What was that Lily?" I shook my head and shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans "Nothing."

She grabbed my shoulder with her delicate but firm hands and squeezed them "This is so exciting!" She glanced up at the darkening sky and said "Well I guess we'd better go in. It's going to get dark soon." She jogged up the steps and swung the door open. She ran inside and disappeared. The steps moaned as I stepped on them. I was so afraid that they would break underneath me.

I headed up the stairs to explore. The only good thing about old houses was that sometimes previous owners left stuff here. Once I found a golden pendant with rubies encrusted in it. I pushed open every squeaky door I could find and pretty found nothing but dusty furniture. I climbed the last flight of stairs and came to a single door. I twisted the knob but it didn't budge. Heaving all of my weight against the door I fell to the ground with an uncomfortable thud.

I inhaled dust and began coughing and spitting out as much of it that I could. As I stood up I accidentally closed the door but it wasn't a big deal. Looking around the small room I saw very little in it. I rocking chair sat next to the window with a blanket draped over it and that was it. Something was creepy about this room. I didn't know what it was but I knew that I wanted to get out of here.

I whipped around and twisted the handle. It didn't move. I jiggled it but it didn't budge. Desperate I put one foot on the wall next to it and pulled. Again it stayed where it was. The door was locked from the outside. Something cold ran over my skin and I began to freak out. I banged on the door like a maniac and screamed "Mom! Mom help!" I repeated it over and over again until finally it burst open "Lily! Shush! You're loud enough to wake the dead."

I pushed past her and ran down the stairs. I heard the door creak shut and the stairs groan as mom climbed slowly down them "What a nice room. I wonder why they didn't use it." I squinted at her "How do you know they didn't use it?" She rolled her eyes as if it should be obvious but it obviously wasn't, no pun intended. "The floor is dustier than everything else in the house."

Mom glanced at her watch and said "Why don't you go outside for a bit while I cook dinner." I trudged towards the back door. I didn't know how mom planned on cooking on a stove that was at least fifty years old but then again she could do anything if she set her mind to it. The cool air soothed me and I felt my breathing return to normal. I hadn't known that it was off but apparently it was.

There was a giant patch of dirt which I assumed from the weeds and wilting flowers was a garden. I spotted a swing hanging from a tree and walked over to it. With one foot I stepped on it to test its sturdiness. It seemed sturdy enough to hold me up. When I sat on the plank of wood and began swinging gently back and forth I listened to the crickets begin to chirp.

It was so relaxing that I almost didn't notice that I had landed on the ground. I looked around bewildered. Grabbing the rope I looked at it confused. It didn't look like it had snapped. It looked like it had been cut. I gulped and looked around carefully. I didn't see anyone but just to be on the safe side I ran into the house.
Live, Love, Laugh




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Hey,

So I haven't seen any spelling or grammar mistakes which is good. The whole story was spaced out nicely and I could easily read it. But the most important thing is I LOVE THIS!!! Seriously, it's mysterious, scary...I can't wait until you post more. This chapter was too short but I know that not every can write really long chapter's (for example me)

Overall it was really good:)

Ikafe... :wink:
"Even in the darkness, my heart will you..."
"How do you escape from yourself?"
"...open your eyes, and see..."

Ikafe




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OK, so first of all I would like to point out to you that when someone is talking you write it like

Under my breath I said "That house with the caved in roof and boards on the windows and doors is looking pretty good right now."

And you should really put punctuation in there, meaning a comma when you start to show what they are saying. So then it would be

Under my breath I said, "That house with the caved in roof and boards on the windows and doors is looking pretty good right now."

And also where it says

"Don't you just love it!" Mom said excitedly.

I'm wondering to myself, should that be a question mark instead or an exclamation point? I'm not very sure, I don't have a lot of education on the subject, but I thought I should bring it to your attention.

She grabbed my shoulder with her delicate but firm hands and squeezed them

What is she squeezing? Her hands? Because that doesn't really make sense. And if she's squeezing her shoulders then you need to fix it because it says she grabbed her shoulder, not shoulders.

I did see some other things but I think it might become more obvious to you if you just reread the chapter.

I really like the way this story is going, you have a way of writing. And I am always game for a ghost story :)

-iheartbooks
"As the hungry are deprived of food, I am deprived of sympathy for those who deprive me of my sanity." ~Anonymous




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Okay, thanks for the help. I'll try to remember to put in the commas.

When the mom says "Don't you just love it!" It was meant to be a statement because she just ifgured that Lily did. Sorry that wasn't clear.
Live, Love, Laugh



I'll actually turning 100 soon
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