Who is my Daughter?

This is going to be a story from two person's views.The first view is TOM


TOM




The wind rustled through her hair as her high heels clanged against the metal stairs high up to the rocket. I saw tears glistening in her eyes, but she still tried to smile. I tried to be strong and not cry too, but I wasn't. I felt hot water filling the rims of my eyes, but I still tried to smile, too. She slowly walked up to me. The rest of the crew were saying good-bye to their loved ones, too. She was right there, her beautiful eyes staring at me, it sparkling with drops of water. She held her soft palm to my face, and then kissed my lips. It was a wonderful kiss, but I couldn't stay focused on it. I let my mind wonder and worry. I wished I hadn't. That was the last time I'd ever see her for a long time. Maybe even forever, if something went wrong. Please, don't let something go wrong, I pleaded to no one in general.

When we let go and opened our eyes, she said,"How long did you say it would be?"

"It depends, but if all goes as expected," I closed my eyes and sucked in some air, "A little over sixteen years."

I saw another tear roll down her cheek.

"I guess it's a little late to tell you to quit," My wife said.

"I'm so sorry Sally," I shook my head in shame, "I know this isn't going to be good for you, or the baby."

As I said this, I looked at her stomach, and held my hand to it.

"Tom," Sally moaned, "What kind of husband leaves their pregnant wife alone and then goes to Jupiter?"

"A very, very bad one." I said "Just please remember I was in training before we even met. I didn't think I'd meet a woman. I didn't think I'd leave her pregnant for Jupiter. I wanted to quit when I met you. It's just ... complicated. Very complicated. I'd already signed the contracts. I'd already done a lot of things. I'm kind of trapped."

"Why can't you leave, right now? We'll move. Nobody will find us." She begged.

"You know I want to do that. But I can't. You know that if I leave, the whole mission will be canceled. And if they do go, there will be major problems." I said gently.

"Tell them to piss off!" My wife said bursting in rage through the tears.

"Oh, they'll be so happy then," I replied sarcasticly.

I hugged her, a bit awkwardly with my large, white space suit on. But I didn't want to let go. But I also wanted to go into space. Not as much as I wanted to stay with Sally, but a lot...

"I love you," I whispered in her ear, and I meant it.

"I love you, too," she whispered sadly, slightly gasping through tears.

"Then can you promise me that you won't give up on me, you won't leave me?" I asked hopefully.

"I'll tr- yes... OK." She said, starting to push back from the hug and cry again.

I smiled "Good. Thank you... I love you, Sally."
And I kissed her on the cheek.

"I love you, too." She replied.


Sally went down the metal stairs again, not taking her eyes off of me. Bursts of wind would whip through my short hair. How could such a beautiful day be so sad? The tower was so high up, so right now being me with a fear of heights wasn't good. I looked at Sally again instead of below me. I looked at her, and in the one look I tried to tell her all the things I forgot to tell her. That I was sorry. So, so sorry. I wanted to beg her to stay with me. I wanted to tell her that I would try to help her take care of our baby no matter how far away I was. And with this I burst into tears even more, realizing I couldn't be there to hold her hand while she gave birth. Couldn't be there to teach my baby so many new things. Not be able to see and hear my child say its first word. Not be there for anything. I think Sally heard some of my mental conversation to her, because she started silently crying as if she knew those moments were to come.

I quickly ran into the cockpit before I decided to turn back. I strapped in with everyone else after Sally was out of sight. I was scared, terrified, and my heart was hammering into my ears. I didn't want to go, I wanted to leave now, it was like a rollercoaster right before the huge drop. The part where you get nervous and full of regret, except this one didn't last a few seconds, it lasted for years. I could have screamed, and I swore I was about to when after quite a while passed by, the team heard the countdown.

Then...
...10!...9!...8!...7!...6!...5!...4!...3!...2!...1!
We're off, the noise of the rocket blasting in my ears. I should've never left.



copyright 2010 March 24, 2010 maegardens

Hey there, maegardens!

First question: is this the beginning of a larger story? If not, it ends kind of abruptly without really anything happening. If so, then you're on the right track and you can ignore that last comment.

Nitpicks

The wind bustled through her hair as her high heels clanged against the metal stairs high up to the rocket.

I'm not sure bustled is the right word to use here. It seems kind of awkwardly worded. Maybe something like rustled would be better?

She was right there, her beautiful face staring at me, it sparkling with drops of water.

Faces don't stare, eyes do. Rewording would make it fine though.

Overall

I really like the idea behind this. It's really different from anything I've seen, and that's good. I'm really interested to see where this goes. PM me if you have any questions.

-Lauren

Lauren2010, I have actually been working on this more so I'd say, yes, this is probably going to be my first chapter to a larger story. Thanks for the review!

HI Maegardens.
I really liked he story and wold wish you to never stop writing this. PM me when you have more. Can't wait to see where it goes.

" What kind of husband leaves their his pregnant wife alone and then goes to the moon?"

KEEP WRITING!!!!!!!!

Hi there Mae. I have reviewed the piece before but then I noticed I left something behind. So here again. I would colour the things I like in green and the ones needing correction with red.

The wind rustled through her hair as her high heels clanged against the metal stairs high up to the rocket. I saw tears glistening in her eyes, but she still tried to smiled. I tried to be strong and not cry too, but I wasn't. I felt hot water filling the rims of my eyes, but I still smiled, too. She slowly walked up to me. The rest of the crew were saying good-bye to their loved ones, too. She was right there, her beautiful eyes staring at me, it sparkling with drops of water. She held her soft palm to my face, and then kissed my lips. It was a wonderful kiss, but I couldn't stay focused on it. I let my mind wonder and worry. I wished I hadn't. That was the last time I'd ever see her for a long time. Maybe even forever. When we let go and opened our eyes, she said,"How long did you say it would be?"The line should be sticked.
"It depends, but if all goes as expected," I closed my eyes and sucked in some air, "A little over sixteen years."
I saw another tear roll down her cheek.
"I guess it's a little late to tell you to quit," My wife said.
"I'm so sorry Sally," I shook my head in shame, " I know this isn't going to be good for you, or the baby."
As I said this, I looked at her stomach, and held my hand to it.
"Tom," Sally moaned, " What kind of husband leaves their pregnant wife alone and then goes to the moon?"
"A very, very bad one." I said " Just please remember I was in training before we even met. I didn't think I'd meet a woman. I didn't think I'd leave her pregnant for the mooon. I wanted to quit when I met you. It's just ... very complicated. Very complicated. I'd already signed the contracts. I'd already done a lot of things. I'm kind of trapped, in a way."
"Why can't you leave, right now? We'll move. Nobody will find us." She begged.
"You know I want to do that. But I can't. You know that if I leave, the whole mission will be cancelled. And if they do go, there will be major problems." I said gentley.Wrong spelling. here goes the right one->gently
"Tell them to piss off!" My wife said.
"Oh, they'll be so happy then," I replied.
I hugged her, a bit awkwardly in with my space suit on. But I didn't want to let go. But I also wanted to go into space. Not as much as I wanted to stay with Sally, but a lot..
"I love you," I whispered in her ear.
"I love you, too," she said.Add some word here like weakly or sadly so that we come to know how Sally feels.
"Then can you promise me that you won't give up on me, you won't leave me?" I asked.
"I'll try." She said, starting to push back from the hug and cry again.
"Good enough."
And I kissed her on the cheek.
I went into the cockpit, and waited.
Then...
...10!...9!...8!...7!...6!...5!...4!...3!...2!...1!
Were off, the noise of the rocket blasting in my ears. I should've never left.



copyright 2010 March 24, 2010 maegardens I liked this idea, sweetie-pie

This is very good. You have described how they met a bit, what is going on his head and how is he scene.

What you can definitely add:
So, I think you should tell us more about the scene. Like where they are, what kind of people are standing and how's the sky looking etc. Also tell us how Sally looks, what kind of space suit Tom's wearing. I want to imagine this all in my mind in order to read it. Keep reading good books, I suggest to improve your vocabulary. GOOD GOING! Over to next chapter!