Always Waiting (Chapter One)

It seems like a big cliche, yes, but I posted my idea down below. Tell me what you think. Thanks-

Kaedee

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The alarm went off.
Jessa’s eyes opened. And as usual, Jimmy B. Dickson’s didn’t.
Jessa groaned, sitting up in her bunk bed. “Jimmy, for pity sakes, turn your alarm off!” She said bitterly. “It wakes me up every morning, and I am sick of it!”
Jimmy didn’t respond. Apparently, Jessa wasn’t loud enough. “JIMMY, TURN THE DUMB ALARM OFF!”
Jimmy woke up. And so did the rest of the orphanage.
The boy jumped, as did his bunk mate, John Dickson. Little John started to bawl. Jessa yelled, telling him to shut up. Looking scared, he did.
Everyone learned to fear Jessa, and to always follow her orders, no matter what. Jessa had become even more sour over the years, Jimmy thought. Especially when she heard the news of her father’s death…
“He didn’t die,” Jessa always told the rest of the orphans. They took this information skeptically. “They said he disappeared. They just couldn’t find his body.”
Which meant that he was very likely dead, as was Jessa’s mother.
Jessa’s mother is unknown. No one knew of Jessa’s mother, since Jessa’s father had never been married. And he wouldn’t give the information away. And nobody seemed to care.
“But they should!” Jessa always complained. “She was probably very famous, maybe a relative of Reese Witherspoon.” The other children always rolled their eyes at that. Jessa had been hung up on that idea for years, after a friendly woman informed her of her beauty and how close she looked to the actress.
“Or a distant relative,” Jessa would add, pondering. “Well, she must be related in some way.” Jessa would stroke her blond hair, and gaze at her reflection. At these times, you could catch a rare glimpse of her smile. Jessa had a nice smile; a beautiful one, in fact. But it never showed itself. Hardly ever.
“Wouldn’t you like to be adopted?” One child asked her one day, after a small boy was handed to a cheery plump woman. “When people did offer, you rejected. Why don’t…”
“Don’t talk to me like that!” Jessa growled. “Don’t you dare question me! I know what I want! I’m waiting for my father to pick me up. Sadly, many of you don’t have parents here, so you can’t wait for a father. But I can. I’ll be always waiting.”

I want a rating for this story before I read it.
Thanks.

Hey, Kaedee. Not much to work with here, eh? It's written well, though.

Well, first of all, I'd like to suggest that you avoid Prologues like the plague. This works just as well as a first chapter-- better, in fact, in my opinion. Prologues are okay if they're more of a flashback, so if you want Chapter One to start years later or something, you can keep it. But, as a general rule, Prologues are unnecessary. And mildly annoying, sometimes.

As for the story itself, it sounds promising. Jessa sounds like an intriguing character who would be fun to follow: stubborn, naive, proud. Develop her well, and she can turn out great.

Your writing style here is good and clean, but a bit sparse. It's bare-bones and simple. This can be good-- but there are times when your readers are going to need more narration than, "The alarm went off. Her eyes opened. His didn't. She groaned, sitting up in her bunk bed." As such a short installment, I can't give you very accurate advice-- I'll have to read a bit more of your writing for that. But don't be afraid to expand on your prose. Description and introspection are good (to a reasonable extent, of course).

And show, don't tell! You say that Jessa had become even more sour over the years. Show that in her disposition and conversations and actions-- don't have Jimmy tell us that. We want to be able to see that sour attitude firsthand.

Overall, a good, solid start. I just warn you from going down a path of cliches-- they're hard to avoid when writing an orphan story. PM me for anything!

~Evi

Thanks for the review! Totally know what you mean about not 'going down a path of cliches' with this orphan story. It'll be different than most, I promise you!

~KD

To be honest, this really does seem to be a cliched orphan story. Just look at the MC. The idea of an orphan believing that her mom was an actress (or some other famous thing for that matter) and not wanted to get adopted, and instead waiting for her, seems really really cliched and unrealistic. If I was in an orphanage, I'd want to be adopted ASAP. No waiting around for my real Moma.

So far, its a big cliche. Just work on that. I don't really trust the idea that you'll make it not cliched.

Cheers,
lena

Thanks for the feedback. As I said before, I know what you guys mean.
The girl's mom is dead, but I'm planning for the girl to find her dad one day on the street while she's playing outside. She won't know at first that it's him, since he's a homeless guy. But as she gets to know him....
So that's my idea. Any suggestions?

~KD

That's actually not that bad. Might turn out better than I thought.

And I don't really have any suggestions.. I pretty much fail at writing contemporary fiction, so yeah.

To your post previous, it sounds a bit rushed, I don't know.
Oh, but I love this short story!
Although, it does seem a bit cliched and unrealistic, just a bit, like Lena said.
Your previous post-- you can use that. It would be neat but I'd prefer leaving as is because it makes mystery and captivates the reader for later in the story.
I love it, keep writing!
~Skyy.

Interesting beginning. It sounds like there is a huge story just waiting to be written. I wish you every success with it.

Thanks!

Hi. I loved the story. you explained it smoothly and perfectly. Going to read chapter-2. Thanks for rating it and posting a tiny bit so one can read it at one go.