Dangerous, Dirty Secret-Part 2

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I can't move. It's as if the overgrown, deep green grass patch I stand on has wrapped itself around my feet, forcing me to stare at the eerie yet beautiful creature that stands before me. The dark, drowning pools of its eyes suck me into its stare and I drown in them with the fear I feel. The little girl spins around to look at the creature, the smile still on her face, bigger then life. She stands on the tip of her white flats, her hands intertwined with each other as if begging.
"Did I do good, Daddy? Did I? Did I?" She asks, bouncing up and down with the hope of a good answer. The creature, her "Daddy", gazes at me a moment longer, as if testing me, before looking down at the familiar girl. Where do I know her? The creature's hands move from her slender shoulders and cup her sweet, baby soft face.
"Yes my child," "Daddy" answers, its voice the perfect melody of male and female tones. A voice meant to sing lullabies. "You are dismissed." The girl's feet fall flat to the ground. I could see in my mind that smile she was holding being replaced by a surprised frown. She shakes her head, the dark ponytail of her hair swinging back and forth like a magician's pocket watch.
"I don't what to go, Daddy," She pleads, gripping "Daddy's" black cloak in her tiny hands. "I want to stay and play." "Daddy's" hands fall from her face and it looks at her with disappointment. I almost feel as if I'm the one being scolded. I try to shake it off, but it grips me in its burning hands. The creature bends close to the little girl's face, its perfect nose inches from her upturn, tiny one.
"I said you are dismissed." It spits. The little girl looks at the ground and "Daddy" stands straight, becoming it's full height of six feet once again. The creature raises its arm and swipes at the little girl. But before "Daddy's" hand can touch the girl's soft cheek, she disappears into a fine dust that floats around in the air before a light wind carries it away. The scream that lodged itself in my throat is released and my body finally thaws out. "Daddy's" face snaps up to look at me. But before I could see anymore of its reactions, I spin around and run towards the forest.
As I run, I don't think to part any of the tree branches or thorn covered vines and they take the chance to cut and scratch my flesh. I don't feel the pain only because my fear was taking over my mind, swallowing it whole, keeping it from feeling any other emotion. I scream again, hoping, praying someone would hear me. But no one will. The street is a ghost that people fear to step or drive on. But if someone did, what would I say? What would I tell them? That I just witness some alien thing turn a little girl to dust? They probably run from me screaming for help or very well take me to a mental asylum.
The forest's shadows confuse me. One moment I think I see the light of the sun only to run deeper into the woods. The wind whispers lies to me, tricking me that this way is out only to lead me deeper into the forest's bowels. My mind feels as if it's about to collapse on itself, and I fear it will. My lungs burn from the cold air I repeatedly suck in with short, gasping breaths. My legs cramp and I stumble from the pain that is slowly coming back to me. A shadow on my left moves with me. Is it mine? No, no, it can't be! There is no sun to create shadows, there is only the darkness of the trees. It's following me! Oh, god! I need a way out!
The sound of water leads me to the thoughts that I'm getting much farther from the roads and much closer to the middle of this overgrown jungle. But the only thing that keeps me from turning around is "Daddy". I can hear him now. He's close. Running beside me, waiting for a chance to cut the tree border that separates us. I feel tears stream down my cheeks, my eyes becoming blurry, mixing greens and browns together as one. I stumble over a root and at the same time I hear the rustling of the creature getting closer to my side. I scream again but it breaks and I cough at the sudden dryness in my throat. The cough only makes it worse and my throat feels like sandpaper. The sound of water now lures me, taunting me with is refreshing feeling as it travels down my throat, cooling it from the burn of air. For now, I drink from my tears, their saltiness not helping my thirst.
Something cuts in front of me, switching from one side to the other. Him. He's in front of me now, waiting to step in my path and catch me. Turn me into dust. No, no. That won't happen. I break from the waters soothing sound, my nearly devoured mind cursing me, and take a sharp right. A ear-splitting scream pierces the air. It shakes the ground itself. I've angered "Daddy". Oh, no. Now he'll never wait for any chances! I pound the mossy ground with my heavy footsteps, eager to get the hell away from this place. But my vision is of no help. It blurs everything like a muddy painting now. Nothing has shape, it's just blobs of color here and there. For a moment I think I see light. Real, honest-to-goodness light. My reactions kick in, fear also consuming them in the dark mouth of fear.
"Someone help me!" I yell, my voice breaking again and raspy from screaming. But no one comes and my predator creeps closer, anger fueling his determination to get a hold of me. I scream one last time before I feel my body falling to the forest floor, not by "Daddy", but from my mind that finally decides to fail on me and allows the fear to swallow me whole with it.
Last edited by Quetseli on Sun Feb 28, 2010 6:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Quetseli wrote:I didn't think to part any of the tree branches or thorn covered vines <--Kinda confusing, do you mean right now as she's running, or when she first walked into the forest?and they take the chance to cut and scratch my flesh. The pain I do not feel only <--also confusing. Maybe change it to "I do not feel the pain, but only..."because my fear was taking over my mind, swallowing it whole, keeping it from feeling any other emotion. I scream again, hoping, praying someone would hear me. But no one will. The street is a ghost that people fear to step or drive on. But if someone did, what would I say? What would I tell them? That I just witness some alien thing turn a little girl to dust? They probably run from me screaming for help or very well take me to a mental asylum.
The forest's shadows confuse me. One moment I think I see the light of the sun only to run deeper into the woods. The wind whispers lies to me, tricking me that this way is out only to lead me deeper into the forest's bowels. My mind feels as if it's about to collapse on itself, and I fear it will. My lungs burn from the cold air I repeatedly suck in with short, gasping breaths. My legs cramp and I stumble from the pain that is slowly coming back to me. A shadow on my left moves with me. Is it mine? No, no, it can't be! There isNo sun to create shadows, there is only the darkness of the trees. It's following me! Oh, god! I need a way out!


Closing Comments:
I thought this Chapter was good, but not as good as the first one. You could try and make the chase sequence a bit more dramatic, and that'd help this a lot. It made more sense, but you still had a few spelling issues and such.Overall though, another good chapter, looking forward to part 3


Spoiler
If you could review my second chapter of my zombie story HERE, that'd be awesome!
"This is a song for a scribbled out name
That my love keeps writing again and again
And again"



So verily with the hardship, there is a relief, verily with the hardship, there is a relief.
— Quran Ch 94:5-6