Those Final Days (part 1)

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As the world abandons me, I stalk my way around the city. Bright lights blind me and cars fill the streets. A woman in an olive coloured suit picks me up with gloved hands. I bark in retort, but she doesn't deter. I try another way to make her drop me. My teeth are sharp. As they sink into her arm, a guilty pleasure spreads through me. It feels like a heaven. I do it again, on her other arm. She drops me now. With a harsh snarl I go for her ankles. Her scream of pain is a treat for me. A gulp of icy water in a hot desert. The blood in my mouth sends a chill down my spine. A good chill. Insanity brims my senses. I almost lose it when a man comes and whacks me in the head with a baton.

"What happened to you?" someone says. I know it's not directed to me as soon as I look up. The woman is standing next a familiar man. My owner! I jump up and yelp and slobber. He glares at me. It feels like a slap to the face. His eyes turn back to the woman. Her uniform is stained with blood. I feel a yearning in my stomach. She tasted so good. "I'm afraid he will have to be put down," she says. My owner's expression changes. Sadness? I don't know. "That's okay. He deserves this," he replies. I look at him. The uniformed woman's word hang in my ears. He will have to be put down, what does that even mean? I stare into the woman's eyes. She glances in my direction. My owner looks at her injuries. "Kelly, when will this happen?" he asks.
"Three days."

The other dogs in this place seem to all want to play with me at the same time. I shoot them all a warning bark, meaning, stay away from me or I will bite the shit out of you. They all stop and walk away. One stays. She looks sad. Her eyes are glittery and wet. I pad my way to her. I go round and sniff her. She smells familiar. I walk to her front. She is the same breed as me. I look at her eyes again. Its my sister! I jump on her and start licking. She returns the gesture. Her eyes say, "I can't believe you are here!"
I reply "Me neither! Can I ask a question?"
"Sure,"
"What does put down mean?" Her head drops. It's amazing how much we can communicate using our eyes. She just walks back to the corner. I follow. She looks at me with distinct fear. I cock my head to the side. She just looks down and closes her eyes. I lay beside her and we stay there for just long enough to fall asleep. I don't want to bite her like I wanted to do to that lady.
Last edited by whatevr on Fri Feb 26, 2010 9:47 am, edited 3 times in total.
Literally whatevr




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This is a unique idea for a story. Very depressing, not like all the stories that people love with happy endings. But sometimes people need to face reality. Not everything's sunshine and rainbows. And if people don't like it, at least they'll learn to appreciate the happiness they get from other things.

Only one spelling mistake, just something you probably overlooked:
"...jump on her ad start licking." Just change "ad" to "and".

Awesome work and keep it coming,

Trick
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Hey!

I stalk my way around the city.

The word "stalk" just isn't working here for me.


It feels like a heaven.

Take out the "a" here.


A gulp of icy water in a hot desert.

This imagery doesn't work for me either.. I don't tend to drink icy water with desserts, its not a treat for me. And "dessert" has two s's.


whacks me in the head with a baton.

Should be "whacks me on the head


"What happened to you?" someone says. NEW PARAGRAPH I know it's not directed to me as soon as I look up. The woman is standing next a familiar man. My owner! I jump up and yelp and slobber. NEW PARAGRAPH He glares at me. It feels like a slap to the face. His eyes turn back to the woman. Her uniform is stained with blood. I feel a yearning in my stomach. She tasted so good. NEW PARAGRAPH "I'm afraid he will have to be put down," she says. NEW PARAGRAPH My owner's expression changes. Sadness? I don't know. "That's okay. He deserves this," he replies. NEW PARAGRAPH I look at him. The uniformed woman's word hang in my ears. He will have to be put down, what does that even mean? I stare into the woman's eyes. She glances in my direction. NEW PARAGRAPH My owner looks at her injuries. "Kelly, when will this happen?" he asks.
You need to make a new paragraph whenever a new character is talking and/or making facial expressions, actions, and gestures.


I pad my way to her.
What does "pad" mean in this sentence? I'm not familiar with this word, lol.


"Sure."
You need a period at the end of every sentence, remember.


"What does put down mean?" NEW PARAGRAPH Her head drops.



Okay, so this is awfully like: "I did this, I did that. She did this." You need to change that, vary your sentences a bit!

Cheers,
Lena
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Well, I agree with lena on... nearly everything. It was really I cool piece, I'm liking it! But a brother dog wouldn't be able to recognise his sister. My aunt has a dog and when she took him in to get vaccinations, his mother was there. He'd only been away from her for a week and he didn't recognise her, even when put in the same cage. And she didn't recognise him.
Over all a lovely piece. On to the next installment!

~Durr
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We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
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