Seven Petals -Chapter One-

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1224
Reviews 1
If it weren't for Coconut, my six-year old Westie, I'd never get out of bed for school. She sprang onto my bed, licking my face as usual. Laughing, I waved her away, groaning at the red numbers of my clock. 6:00 a.m. I forced myself from my warm sheets and shuffled to the hallway. Three more doors lined this side of the hallway, another four on the opposite side.One door was already open, it's inhabitants downstairs. Coconut nudged my leg, letting me know she was hungry. Together, we went downstairs to the kitchen. My mother was reading the cartoons, smiling at Garfield. My dad was munching on Cheerios. He smiled when I passed him. "Good morning, sunshine."
"It's too dark outside to be morning," I groaned, pouring myself a bowl of Fruit Loops. Coconut whined, so I quickly took care of her bowl, filling it with Purina.
"Kailey, would you mind waking up your sisters?" My mom looked over the top of the Peach section with pleading eyes.
"Sure, right after this." I replied. Mom took a long drink from her coffee before getting up and making her way to the fridge. Taking out the two-gallon milk jug, she bent over to get bowls out of the dishwasher. I grabbed the Fruit Loops, Cocoa Puffs, and Apple Jacks, setting them out on the counter. Best to be pre-set for when the estrogen herd awakes. I set down my bowl, milk-less and dry, and flew up the stairs. I went to the room next to mine and pounded on the door.
"Marisol, get your lazy butt up!"
Next, I knocked on the next door, the third on the right. "Jess, wake up!"
The fourth. "Nicki, rise and shine!"
I ran across the hall. "Mia, time to get up!"
The sixth. "Chrissa, up and at 'em!"
The last one before my parents. "Lanie, move it!"
I heard grumbles enough, a cat or two protesting, and the thump of my sisters' feet on the carpet as they got out of their beds. Doors opened one by one, sleepy faces and bed head behind each one. I nodded and descended the stairs, satisfied.
My dad winked at me before kissing my forehead. He was tall, with white blond hair and blue eyes. He was handsome and kind, and everyone could see what my mother had seen in him. She was shorter, with dark blond hair and blue-green eyes, but the world's biggest heart. He walked around the island in the middle of the kitchen, planted a kiss on her lips, before opening his drawer of stuff for work.
My sister's filed into the kitchen, a jumbled cacophony of greetings aimed towards our parents. They each took a bowl, Marisol and Nicki grabbing Fruit Loops, Jess and Mia taking the Cocoa Puffs, and Chrissa and Lanie getting Apple Jacks. They filled their bowls with the cereals, then splashed in some milk, grabbed spoons, and retreated to sit at the huge table. I filled my bowl with milk and stood next to my mom, who took another sip of coffee turned white by sugar and french vanilla creamer.
"Who's taking showers today?" She asked. Jess, Nicki, and Chrissa raised their hands. "I know Kailey took hers last night, so you other three get one tonight. Bowls in the sink, then go get ready."
Licorice and Rascal slunk into the kitchen, meowing loudly. My mom sighed, opened two cans of cat chow and plopped the contents into the appropriate bowls. Caring for seven children and their pets took a toll on my mom, but she never seemed to mind. I helped out when I could, so I got down the rabbit feed and some hay.
"Lanie, feed Lulu when you're done. Chrissa, Starburst needs some clean hay." My youngest sister's mumbled something about me being mini-mom, which I took as a compliment. My mom giggled and my dad gave her a warm smile. I'm so happy they got back together, even if it was only for a couple years that they were apart. I finished the last bit of cereal, washed out my bowl, and ran upstairs. Already my phone had gone off.
The message was from Kaya: "Good morning :)"
I smiled, texted her back, and threw open my closet. Today was September first, and we had already been in school for about two weeks. I picked an appropriate outfit; jeans, my favorite blue clogs, and a matching tunic. I made two small braids framing my face before brushing out the rest of my hair. I fastened the clasp of my blue and white beaded choker before taking in my appearance. Somehow I was miraculously pulling this cute image off again. I turned to face my room. Baby blue walls, a white bed set with matching table and dressers, my closest and bedroom doors painted white. White lace curtains hung in front of my window, the first rays of sunlight peeking through. A framed picture of me and my first dog, Sandy, hung near my bed, along with pictures of my friends and I, my sisters and I, my parents and I. There were a few bookshelves with sea shells lined up in front of the books, my favorite being The Little Mermaid. My computer sat contentedly on my desk, a small blue desk lamp and some jewelery boxes keeping it company. Last night's homework sat smack dab in the middle, waiting to be shoved in my messenger bag with all the other stuff. I sat on my bed, thinking about nothing in particular, something I seemed to do a lot.
"Kailey?" I sat up far too quickly at the sound of Jess. She was wrapped in a fluffy lime green bath robe, drying her ink black hair with a towel. "Could you do my braids for me?" I nodded and Jess came in to sit on my blue spinning chair. I ran her brush through her damp thin hair, separating it first in half and then each half into three sections each. I did the braids fast with ease and honed skill achieved after doing them for years. "Thanks," she said quietly, hurrying out to get dressed. I nodded and heard Coconut bark for me downstairs. I grabbed my Anatomy book, my messenger bag, and my phone, closed my bedroom door, and loudly announced, "You guys have until seven to be in the van!"

Technically, I didn't need to worry about all my sisters, but I did. Marisol had her own car now, so I didn't need to wait for her and the rest of the slow pokes, but I sat on the couch, nevertheless. Lanie was ready first. Dressed in a blue skirt with a matching green and blue striped top, she was smiling, ready to go. She had clipped her curls back away from her face. Dad grabbed his briefcase, kissed her forehead, and left. Chrissa ran down the stairs a minute later, wearing an adorable pink dress with purple trim. Her brown hair was cut at her shoulders, making her the sister with the shortest hair. They joined me on the couch as Mia entered. Wearing a gray skirt and a pink long-sleeved shirt, Mia looked ready to go back to bed. Nicki nearly collided with her, straightening her white blouse and blue skirt. She pulled her curls into a half-ponytail and drummed her fingers on the banister. Jess came next wearing an orange skirt and matching tank top, both adorned with hot pink flowers. It was 6:59 when Marisol finally made it. She wore green capris and a pink tank, tying a purple wrap on over top.
"Don't know why you guys are wearing skirts, you crazy girly-girls." Marisol scoffed, tying her hair into pig tails.
We rolled our eyes, all rising to grab our shoes or bags. Skechers for Marisol, flip-flops for Jess, boots for Nicki, Converses for Mia, Mary Janes for Chrissa, and ballet flats for Lanie. Bookbags, purses, and messenger bags in hand, Mom kissed each of our foreheads goodbye, giving us out lunch bags at the same time.
In my Bug with me were Nicki and Lanie. Mia, Chrissa, and Jess hopped into Marisol's Jetta. School was Downtown, about a fifteen minute drive. Nicki turned on my iPod in the jack and we backed out into the street.
Last edited by kiybrandon2011 on Tue Jan 05, 2010 11:24 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"Best Friends: The people who know all about you, but love you more than anything."
"Be the Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios."
"Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry."
"If life was easy, where would all the adventures be?"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30280
Reviews 529
Hey =]

I'm back to take a look at chapter one!

Now, I know the describing of each character in detail worked in the prologue and it worked here too, but take care to make sure that it's not too much of a recurring theme throughout the story, or the reader could become bored with reading about what each girl looks like everyday. It worked here though, as it enabled the reader to imagine how each girl looks and likes to dress.

I'm a bit unsure as to how old your characters are, but that may be explained in future chapters. The reader knows that Kailey and Marisol are both old enough to drive and that Lanie and Chrissa are the youngest, but the others seems to be hanging in no-mans land at the moment.

I couldn't see many mistakes other than;

"You guys have until 7 to be in the van!"

'7' should be 'seven'

"Hey, Devin. Hey, Christy."
"Hi, Devin. Hi, Christy."
"Morning, Devin. Morning, Mom."
"Hello, Devin. Hello, Mom."
"Good day, Devin. Good day, Christy."

This isn't really a mistake, but I don't think it's really needed. Maybe you could write that there was a collective good morning from all of the girls instead.

"Don't know why you guys are wearing skirts, you crazy girl-girls."

I'm guessing that it's Marisol speaking here, but it reads a bit unclearly. Maybe you could add in who's speaking just to make it clear.

Overall, I'm still intrigued by the story idea you have here and I'm looking forward to your next post =]

I hope I've helped!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 17581
Reviews 126
Hey Im back,

"Sure, right after this." I replied. She took a long drink from her coffee before getting up and making her way to the fridge.

^^
Does this switch from first to third person or is it the mother?
-------

Once again the descriptions of the characters served this story well. It seems to be part of your style. Like I said before this is serving you well and I certenly enjoy the brief descriptions. My favorite was the closet description how you included the pictures. This gives us more insight into their life.

I will probably only read the next chapter because although it is intiresting I currently do not feel as if anything intiresting has happened. I realise that it is only chapter 1 and that you are taking it slow, as you should, but hopefully in the next chapter something exciting will happen that drives me to read more. Please do not feel rushed in fact take it slow if you feel that is what needs to be done, but I just havent found a hooker yet.

Overall great writing style and I really enjoyed it. Im just not sure what it is shaping up to be.

~DayDreams
"If the king doesn't lead, how can he expect his subordinates to follow?"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1224
Reviews 1
Dudette: Thanks, I tend to type weird because it just kinda goes blah at 2 am lol. Yeah, this is really it for super-specific descriptions, haha. Kailey=almost 17, Marisol=16, Jess=15, Nicki=14, Mia=13, Chrissa=12, & Lanie=11.
DayDreams: She's referring to her mum, but I guess I should make it a little clearer. Chapter Two definently will pick-up if my coffee doesn't fail me.
"Best Friends: The people who know all about you, but love you more than anything."
"Be the Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios."
"Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry."
"If life was easy, where would all the adventures be?"




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 17581
Reviews 126
Ok, cool I cant wait for the next chapter. Would you mind including/adding a separate page for a description of each character. Right now I'm lost as to who is who and if I could just have a another tab open to look at for reference it would help me a ton.

~DayDreams
"If the king doesn't lead, how can he expect his subordinates to follow?"




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1395
Reviews 565
O.o wow. I have six sibs too, but I don't know if I could cope with six sisters. And they're all one year apart?

My computer sat contentedly on my desk, a small blue desk lamp and some jewelery boxes keeping it company.


Nice use of personification.

heard grumbles enough, a cat or two protesting, and the thump of my sister's feet on the carpet as they got out of their beds.


Sisters' feet. That's all I have to review, so let me just say I'm intrigued by the title.
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

"You can be an author if you learn to paint pictures with words."
Brian Jacques



how insane i exist in rooms i'm not in at the moment
— fatherfig