Serce. Part Three. Revised

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Olivia entered the Great Hall at the announcer’s call and stopped at the head of the stairs. Pausing as was required by etiquette, she took the moment to take in the splendor of the Hall.
The room was ablaze with hundreds of candles that shone down like stars upon the people below. The guests wore their finest clothes of silk and satin. Their jewels were of the best silver and gold adorned with large gems from across the Realms. The excessive show of wealth and pomp disgusted Olivia as she thought of the hundreds suffering from starvation and poverty just levels below.
At the far end of the Hall the members of Court stood upon the dais. The congregation fell as a wave as King Herik descended from his throne upon the dais and went to meet his daughter at the centre of the hall.
Lightly resting her hand upon his arm, Olivia allowed her father to lead her to the dais and they turned to face the crowd. The room stood completely silent waiting for their king to speak.
“We have gathered today to celebrate my daughter Olivia’s eighteenth birthday,” his voice rang out strong and clear to every corner of the room. “Tomorrow, I will name her heir of Serce at the Feast of Kings, but tonight, we celebrate!”
The crowd cheered wildly for their king keeping up the appearance of loyalty and honour. Music began to play and the first dance began in a swirl of coloured silks. Regardless of the war with Hiynil, the people of Serce never gave up an opportunity to party and they were making the best of the ball. Wine flowed freely and the food was abundant as the guests indulged in anything and everything they could.
Olivia took her seat to the left of her father’s throne. She was leaning over to speak to him when the doors of the Great Hall were thrown wide. A tall man dressed in fine, dark clothing strode into the Hall and stood silhouetted against the moonlight at the head of the huge staircase. Olivia gasped in surprise, even from across the Hall she recognized the man. Prince Dorian had returned to Serce.
The elder of the twin sons of Haltoran, Dorian had the unfortunate experience of growing up in the shadow of his younger brother. The brothers looked exactly alike but their personalities were as night and day. As children, they had been best friends, Herik was always the quieter of the two, not weaker than his brother, but his strength came from within. Dorian was a bully of a boy, constantly teasing and pushing people to their limits with his wicked ways. As they entered into their teens, the boys grew quickly apart.
What tenuous bond had held them together as children was completely shattered when Haltoran named his heir. As the elder son, Dorian was to inherit the throne but Haltoran had chosen his younger son and Dorian was forever changed. Herik took a wife just shortly after succeeding his father and Dorian never forgave him for marring the woman he had always coveted. Shortly after the wedding, Dorian had left Jammi and had not returned for nearly seven years.
When Dorian finally returned to Jammi, Antonia had only just died and his bitterness towards his brother grew to full blown hatred. Olivia had only met her uncle once over ten years ago and she barely remembered him, but none of it was good. She had been so excited to finally meet her Uncle Dorian only to find he hated her. She would never forget the way his hands felt around her neck and she shuddered trying to push the fear aside.
The man who now stood across the Hall was the exact replica of Herik, yet he seemed to lack what little warmth and caring Herik had ever had. He advanced towards the dais and the crowd scurried out of his path. Dorian laughed at their fearful expressions and stopped before his brother.
“Hello, Herik,” Dorian said a smile on his face. “Or should I call you 'Your Majesty?'”
“What are you doing here, Dorian?” Herik's voice was cold as ice. He came down from his throne to stand between his brother and daughter.
“I heard you were having a party and you know how I never pass up a good time. Besides, I came to wish my niece a happy birthday,” Dorian smiled but it did nothing to warm his features.
“Get out, Dorian, you are not welcome here,” Herik's voice was cold with menace.
“Father, really,” Olivia exclaimed. Coming down to stand next to him she placed a hand on his arm. “We wouldn’t want to cause a scene now, would we?” There was pleading in her eyes but there was no missing the steely warning.
“No, that just wouldn’t do,” Dorian put in, an amused smile taunting Herik.
“And that’s enough out of you as well,” Olivia demanded quietly a smile masking her hardness from the crowd. “Don’t think I've forgotten the last time you were here-“
“Oh come now,” Dorian interrupted his voice smooth as silk and cold as ice. “You’re not holding that little incident against me are you?”
“You tried to choke the life out of me before throwing me against a wall,” Olivia returned amazed at his gall.
“Tsk child, I was quite angry and not at all myself,” Dorian smiled as if that fixed everything.
“And I was seven, you bastard” Olivia was very close to losing her temper completely. She caught a glance of her father out of the corner of her eye and knew he was about to get very violent if someone didn’t intercede. She took a deep breath calming herself. “You can either stay and play nice or be escorted out of the city. You two are brothers you can’t go the rest of your lives hating each other for no reason. Your choice, make it now, you’re ruining my ball.”
The two brothers stared at each other in silence. Herik glanced at his daughter and all was decided by the look on her face. “Welcome back, brother, I hope you’ll stay longer than last time,” he said stiffly extending his hand towards Dorian.
Dorian was taken aback at Herik's gesture of peace but clasped hands with his brother nonetheless. “It's good to be back.” There was a glimmer of sorrow in Dorian’s eyes and of something else but it was gone quickly the mask of disdain and coldness back in place. Olivia looked as him suspiciously but shook it from her mind.
“What are you all staring at? This is supposed to be a celebration, so celebrate!” Herik's voice rang throughout the Hall addressing the people looking an in shock and uncertainty. Dead silence followed.
A few paces away, William stood with the Citadel Guards. Taking in the silence of the Hall, he made his move. Coming swiftly to Olivia's side he bowed low, “Princess, may I have the honour of this dance?”
Olivia smiled at him in relief and cast a meaningful look at her father before allowing him to lead her to the middle of the Hall. A waltz began to play and the crowd was swept up in the dance completely willing to forget the tension and continue to party.
“Thanks Will. I was sure they were about to eat each other alive. Talk about a Coronation Ball to remember.” she looked towards the dais and saw Herik seated upon his throne, Dorian sat to his left. She missed a step and nearly stumbled but Will caught her and continued steadying her jerky, uncoordinated movements. The dance lessons were always the first to be ignored by the young princess.
“It wasn’t them I came to save,” William said softly bringing her attention back to the dance. He wore a the traditional dress of the Guards and made for a very handsome man. His dark eyes flashed with mischief and he confidently led Olivia in the quick paced waltz. “You looked about ready to hit someone and that just wouldn’t do. I'm the only one who gets that pleasure.”
Olivia laughed at his reference to their childhood, tripping again as she fought to remember the complicated steps. “I was ten and you were being a bully. You deserved it!”
“I had a black eye for three weeks and I highly doubt that Father believed the tree story. He hasn’t looked at me the same ever since,” William laughed along with her.
“Look, Will, there is something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about,” Olivia began but was interrupted by her father's announcement.
“Today is a day of great joy throughout Serce. We celebrate the birth of Princess Olivia, and we now celebrate the return of Prince Dorian!” Herik stood and smiled at his brother. Dorian's face betrayed nothing but Olivia was certain the announcement did little to pacify him. “A toast to Prince Dorian!”
The crowd cheered in joy and a buzz whispered throughout the crowd about the scandal surrounding Dorian's hasty departure years ago. Herik took a moment to speak to the Court before slipping out of the Hall followed by his brother.
“That's my cue,” Olivia said to Will. “Go find yourself a better dance partner, or better yet some innocent maid to seduce; I've got family matters to attend to.” Olivia smiled at his expression and went unnoticed after her father.
Ж
Olivia stopped outside her father's study. The brothers were fighting again and their voices carried down the corridor. Olivia sighed with disappointment, she had hoped that they would bury the past and move on, but that didn’t seem too likely just now. Knowing it would be best to let them be, she quietly slipped outside.
Last edited by leftpinkytoe on Wed Dec 23, 2009 5:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Your style seems to have recovered, this part was much better than the second but still not as shining as the first. Half the post was exposition and flashback, but you could have just as reasonably explained most of that in dialogue and implied past, like you did here:
“It wasn’t them I came to save,” William said softly bringing her attention back to the dance. “You looked about ready to hit someone and that just wouldn’t do. I'm the only one who gets that pleasure.”
Olivia laughed at his reference to their childhood, “I was ten and you were being a bully. You deserved it!”
“I had a black eye for three weeks and I highly doubt that Father believed the tree story. He hasn’t looked at me the same ever since,” William laughed along with her.

Instead of writing a paragraph detailing Olivia's childhood exploits, you created an implied past for the two of your characters that contains only the most important information. You can do that and use the conflict between Dorian and Herik in part four to explain the pertinent parts of Dorian's history. This post, while better than its predecessor, is still a bit awkward and rushed. If you could impart some the the beginning's grace and flow to the next part, you would make your prose so much more effective.
Once upon a time, there was a man who was allergic to peanuts. He was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich by the side of the mountain, and a rock fell on him and he died.
Moral of the story: Expect the unexpected.
Like fried sushi.



Life’s disappointments are harder to take if you don’t know any swear words.
— Bill Watterson