First Story-- part 7

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Erasing people from existence is a difficult task. It consumed enough energy that I may be able to return to school in a few days time. I do hope that Saraphina will not go completely mad in that time. Death always follows madness and my time is running out. The world may come to an end if I do not have her then.
“Mom, she was my best friend for years! Remember the time we stole your makeup and tried to look like grownups when we were eight? Or the time we blew up the toaster trying to make pancakes in it?” Sara asked. Her mom was on speaker phone. Sara started to cry.
“Or the time we had a double play date with Jess and covered her with stickers so it would look like chicken pox?”
“Sweetie, please. I’m getting on the plane now. When I get home we can go to a nice doctor. And-” Sara hung up the phone with a bandaged hand. She pulled the cord so it wouldn’t ping again.

The next day, Sara slept until noon. The doctors all agreed: No school for quite a while. It was Thursday. Sara knew her reign over the school was over. Four days would be more than enough for her empire to crumble.
She thought back to all her work. The lies, the betrayals. Flirting and endless hours of putting on makeup. All of it for nothing.
Sara looked at her mirror. A sickly, almost albino girl looked back at her. Her black eyes were rimmed with dark circles, and her pale white hair was greasy. She was covered in bruises from being across the back fields.
She unwound the crisp, sterile bandages from her hands.Deep cuts wound around her fingers and palms. She could still see slivers of glass wedged in them, and her whole right arm was hot with infection.
She looked at her bedside table, at the pictures standing there. One had featured her and Ashley hand in hand. Now all she saw was her own face, tan and healthy and laughing.
She picked it up and threw it across the room, revealing her old sewing kit behind it. Sara opened it gingerly. Unused spools of colorful silk thread lay in rows. But what caught her attention were the shiny needles, poked into a plush red pincushion. She pulled one out.
She wouldn’t let Ashley be erased completely. Gripping the needle like a pencil, she carved the name Ashley into the underside of her right arm. On second thought, she added “Mike”, and in smaller letters, “Tom” “Jess” and “Alyssa”.
Blood welled to the surface, and she let it drip unto her pink comforter, which offered about as much comfort as a metal spike.
Last edited by ToritheMonster on Fri Dec 11, 2009 1:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
Honey, you should see me in a crown.




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So.... YWS people.... you know how you're all really cool? I will personally hug anyone who reviews this part (or any other parts) of my story. :mrgreen:

--Dreamy :elephant:
Honey, you should see me in a crown.




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OK, here I am, yet again! Now where's my hug...? :twisted: (Just kidding! :P)

First thing--wow! Great improvement on grammar! I only spotted one teeny-tiny error. Good for you! *claps* :smt023 :smt038

Here it is:
“Tom”, “Jess”, and “Alyssa”
Add in the bolded commas, please.

I may be able to return to school in a few days' time
Apostrophe after days. Yup, this was simply a minor punctuation error.

Sara started to cry.
“Or the time we had a double play date with Jess and covered her with stickers so it would look like chicken pox?”
Because this is the same speaker, no new paragraph is needed.

The lies, the betrayals.
I think it sounds better if you say: 'The lies and betrayals.' But that's just me. You don't have to change it if you don't want to.

her hands.Deep cuts
Space after period. ;)

She could still see slivers of glass wedged in them, and her whole right arm was hot with infection.
She looked at her bedside table, at the pictures standing there.
Here you start 2 consecutive sentences with the same word. Just pointing it out to you; you don't have to change it, but it's advisable so that the reader doesn't get bored. (I didn't, though. :smt002)

The same thing happens here:
She pulled one out.
She wouldn’t let Ashley be erased completely.


Last nitpick! :smt001
pink comforter, which offered about as much comfort as a metal spike
I don't really like the analogy here. For some reason, I think it's too similar to the needles from before. Weirdly, I believe 'iron spike' works fine, but not metal. I have no clue why...

Anyway, thanks for putting up with me over the last couple days. :D I've been going at it pretty hard on your story parts, so forgive me if I was unintentionally harsh/cruel. I'll be waiting for part 8...
"We're all born with selfish desires, so we can all relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is something made individually by each person...so it's easy to misunderstand when others are trying to be kind to you."
--Fruits Basket Book 1, page 134

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Thanks! *hugs Fruits* yup, part 8, coming soon!
Honey, you should see me in a crown.




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More hugs to anyone else who reviews! :D :mrgreen: :smt003 :smt004


--Dreamy :elephant:
Honey, you should see me in a crown.




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:thud:

Not a big fan of needles. :smt005
Hm. We need more thought bubbles here; how is Sara going to fix the problem? How does she propose to make it alright? I mean, carving *shudder* initials into her arm is only going to do so much. ;) There are other ways to remember. Besides, some thoughts of Nerezza would be good here. :)That's all. I'm quite impatient for the next part. :D
:smt051
*Seraph*
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




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*hugs Seraph* thanks for the review. Part 8 , fresh outta the oven, coming up.
Honey, you should see me in a crown.



cron
I like anchovies~ but nobody calls me that.
— alliyah