First story-- part 6

“What’s going on out here?” yelled someone almost at the corner. Nerezza waggled her fingers in farewell and melted into the shadows. The rain stopped and the principal, Mr. Nesbitt rounded the corner.
I have snapped. I am drunk with power, and no one will be safe in my presence for quite a while. Saraphina is alive, though, much to my relief. Her friend, Ashley Colden, had an extremely strong soul which, of course, made me crave more. The others’ souls were weak, perhaps to my benefit. Had they not been so frail, many more may have died. Saraphina will be the one, I am sure of it now. Perhaps she will even go willingly.
Sara’s hair was more white than blond now. But that no longer mattered to her. Mr. Nesbitt had found her lying in the mud screaming. He assumed she had gone mad. Now, she was at home, wrapped in a quilt. Blanca looked frightened.
“¡Ay dios mío! Tu estas muy frio.” (Oh my god, you are very cold.) She said, putting another quilt over Sara. But Sara wasn’t shivering from cold. She was scared.
Her best friend, ex and most loyal followers had just died. If that wasn’t enough, nobody remembered them. She clearly remembered her conversation with Mr. Nesbitt. He had come just after Nerezza had disappeared. Sara had been on her knees, screaming. He had looked shocked. Then he had regained his dignified composition.
“Saraphina Neubauer! What on earth are you doing?” He had yelled.
“She- she- she killed Ashley!” She had sobbed. “And Mike and Jess and Tom and Alyssa!” The rain had stopped, but water from her tears poured down her face. Mr. Nesbitt looked concerned.
“As far as I know, Miss Neubauer, nobody by those names go here. You need help.” Then he had pulled out his phone and called 911.
At the hospital, he gave her a list of all the students at West Heights. “Now,” he said, “What is Ashley’s last name?”
“Colden.” Sara replied with confidence. Mr. Nesbitt scanned the list.
“Hmm… we have an Ashley Poppet in 6th grade and an Ashley Crow in 7th. None in 8th like you.” Ashley gaped.
“W- what about Michael Luszczak in 8th grade?” she tried.
“Mmm… nope.”
“Jessica Lonta 8th grade?”
“No.”
“Thomas Morra, 8th grade?”
“Nope.”
“Alyssa McDonnell, 8th?”
“Still no. But there are some very nice psychologists here, at the hospital.”
“NO! I don’t need one. I saw her kill them. I know them. So do you! Mike got sent to your office for-”
“Sara, please.” Mr. N interrupted. The tears came back.
“I saw Nerezza kill them,” she whispered.
“Nerezza… the new one?” Mr. Nesbitt queried.
“Yes! Her!” Sara cried, her eyes lighting with hope.
“Ah… she’s new, so she’s not on the list. Now tell me, what drove her to kill them?” He asked, his voice layered with false sympathy and sarcasm.
“I… don’t know. She’s crazy! She’s all scary and stuff. And she always wears black and she has this creepy necklace and she just sucked their souls up and was happy…” Sara realized that she was rambling.
“Very well then, I’ll send Dr. Wake up to see you.” He said, patting her on the head and turning to leave.
“Please! I’m telling you the truth!” She screamed, her voice on the edge of hysterics.
A psychologist had come up, and told her a bunch of shit about everything being okay, and that soul eaters were something called “dementors” in a Harry Potter book. And now she was home, listening to Blanca freak out and wishing that her parents were home for once.
Then she had an idea. In first grade she, Ashley, Alyssa, Jess, and Tom had been in the same class at West Heights Elementary. The class picture was in her room somewhere. Once Mr. Nesbitt saw that, there would be no doubting her.
She threw the blankets aside ignoring Blanca’s protests and cries of “¡Ay caramba!”
She ran to her room and dug the picture out of the depths of her huge, walk-in closet. There she was, right in the middle, holding up the sign that read: Mr. Ornal’s First Grade Class- 2002-2003. But instead of Ashley sitting next to her, there was a gap. And throughout the rest of the picture there were gaps where Alyssa, Jess, Mike and Tom should have been.
“No…” She whispered. She fell to her knees, squeezing the picture so hard that the glass spider webbed. Blood from her fingers dripped onto the smiling first graders below.





gahhh!!!! I want to post it all!!!!!!!! GGGgggggrrrrrr. must not post more......

The rain stopped and the principal, Mr. Nesbitt rounded the corner.

After Nesbitt place another comma. This is called appositives, it sets off added information. Does that make sense?

“¡Ay dios mío! Tu estas muy frio.” (Oh my god, you are very cold.)

Something's off with this sentence. I would incorporate what's in the parenthesis into your story, not setting it off like that. Explain why whoever is speaking Spanish. Is she native in that language? Does your MC understand? Add it with the story, parenthesis are so unfitting to a story. Kind of.

Her best friend, ex and most loyal followers had just died.

After ex put a comma. You're listing a series of things, they each need to be separated by a comma up to the and.

“She- she- she killed Ashley!”

Your trying to give off that she's stuttering, correct? Well I would try this instead: S-s-she. In signifies the same thing (:

“Jessica Lonta 8th grade?”

You forgot the comma in this one, like you did with the others during this part of the story. I also noticed that you don't stick with just one grade part. You go from 8th to eighth grade. Stick with one.

“Still no. But there are some very nice psychologists here, at the hospital.”

No comma after here. There is so need to separate 'at the hospital'.

And throughout the rest of the picture there were gaps where Alyssa, Jess, Mike and Tom should have been.

Like I have said up there ^^ somewhere, you need to add another comma before and and after Mike.

**********

Overall this is really freaky and interesting. You should keep writing and keep in mind the things I pointed out and you'll be good to go (: Great job!

thanks!

Could I pleasey please get some more reviews? Anyone!!!!!!!! Please!!!!

oh please oh please oh please???????????????????

I will hug anyone who gives me a review!

'Ello good citizens of YWS! So, I reallllly want to post the next part of my story, but I could use some more reviews first. So, pleasey please *bats eyelashes* review? Thanks!!!

--Dreamy


p.s. Title suggestions are welcome!!! Actually, more then welcome.

Sorry I have delayed so long. Anyway, here I am!

Some of the grammar mistakes have already been mentioned, so I'll skip those.

“What’s going on out here?” yelled someone almost at the corner.

Almost at which corner? I must admit, I'm a little confused. Also, I advise switching the order of yelled and someone and taking out the location part so that the story runs smoother and it's not confusing.

Mr. Nesbitt had found her lying in the mud screaming.

I'm pretty sure you should add a comma after mud. Not a punctuation expert, though, so you might want to hold off on changing that part until a real punctuation-y person comes along.

But Sara wasn’t shivering from cold.

I think a word added in between from and cold would be nice. For example, I might add 'the' in between those two.

“¡Ay dios mío! Tu estas muy frio." She said

I've mentioned this before in the previous parts, so please change the comma to a period and make she lowercase.

“Saraphina Neubauer! What on earth are you doing?” He had yelled.
“She- she- she killed Ashley!” She had sobbed.

The same two problems here. First letters should be lowercase as parts of dialogue tags.

“And Mike and Jess and Tom and Alyssa!” The rain had stopped, but water from her tears poured down her face. Mr. Nesbitt looked concerned.

I'm pretty sure that, after the dialogue, there needs to be a new paragraph.

“Colden.” Sara replied

Period reverts to comma.

“Sara, please.” Mr. N interrupted.

and

“Ah… she’s new, so she’s not on the list. Now tell me, what drove her to kill them?” He asked,

have the same grammatical problems as have been mentioned above. Please fix! And sorry for sounding somewhat like a robot...

“Very well then, I’ll send Dr. Wake up to see you.” He said,

and

“Please! I’m telling you the truth!” She screamed,

should be self-explanatory by now.

She threw the blankets aside ignoring Blanca’s protests

Should be a comma after aside.

Alyssa, Jess, Mike and Tom

You missed a comma after Mike. But grammar does not require, in this case, the extra comma to be there.

“No…” She whispered.

You can figure out what I'm gonna say, right?

squeezing the picture so hard that the glass spider webbed.

First of all, whoa. Intense! Next, what does 'the glass spider webbed' mean here? Never heard of that phrase before, so please forgive me if it's in the dictionary or something like that!

This story is getting really intense! I can't wait to review part 7 for you. Yes! Please keep writing, and keep up the good work. Finally, sorry for the extremely long review. Anyway, please continue posting on YWS!

spiderwebbed/ing (i misspelled it in the original)= cracks spreading in a spider-web pattern on a breaking piece of glass. Like, if a baseball goes partway through a window, and the glass surrounding it is all cracky? That means the glass spiderwebbed when the ball hit it.

The part I have trouble with is the flashback, and the Principle's actions towards her. With the latter, it seems like he's trying to play psychologist to her. I find that a bit odd, considering he was just yelling at her.

“I… don’t know. She’s crazy! She’s all scary and stuff. And she always wears black and she has this creepy necklace and she just sucked their souls up and was happy…” Sara realized that she was rambling.

Here it seems a little odd; to me, it would seem obvious to the character that it doesn't matter what she says. That's just me.

Mr. Ornal’s First Grade Class- 2002-2003.

Careful with this, because it will date your work. Just "first grade picture" will suffice.

But instead of Ashley sitting next to her, there was a gap. And throughout the rest of the picture there were gaps where Alyssa, Jess, Mike and Tom should have been.

This seems a little typical to me. Maybe you could have different people there instead. [Insert twilight zone music] I think that would be an interesting plot twist, personally.

...squeezing the picture so hard that the glass spider webbed...

If you be a little more specific, people will get your description. i.e., "I squeezed it too hard, the glass shattering and spilling on the floor, leaving only a dilapidated spiderweb design cutting vicious lines through the blank space." Kind of a long description, but I couldn't think of any other way to use it, sorry.

My suggestion is that you add more description and scenery, so your story flows better. Going from scene to scene without any other details besides school/house/hospital, it can get very confusing. So, just some background will be good. I know this is coming to a climax, so it's hard to put things like that in there when you want to get to the climax. Anyway, keep writing. Sounds awesome so far.

*Seraph*