First Story--part 4

Where does she live? Sara wondered. Nerezza had never said anything about a home or a family (she had said a total of 18 words her entire time at the school.)But Sara assumed she had one. So here I am, she thought, at the address the school secretary gave me and nothing’s here. She looked again at the address scrawled on the sticky note in her hand: 163 Moonstone Street. There was a 162 and a 164, but no 163; just an empty lot where a house should have been. And what about her parents? Sara wondered. Who fills out her forms and signs her math tests? Who buys her clothes and school supplies? Sara intended to find out.
Getting into these schools require bending many minds. One must have an address, certification of birth, and numerous other forms, all to be filled out by one’s parents. Conjuring certificates is easy enough, but many people need…convincing. I do hope the school board members do not suffer from brain damage.
“I’m breaking up with you.” Sara was outside her boyfriend Mike’s house.
“What!?” She half yelled.
“I’m sorry. But you’ve been acting so weird lately. Freaking out about this new girl. She is a freak, but you’re making a big deal out of nothing. Then you dye your hair crazy a crazy color, and cover it up badly, just to impress me. We can still be friends.” Mike said from his bedroom window.
“Are you freaking kidding me?” Sara cried. “I wasn’t trying to impress you. My hair turned white on its own, so I tried to cover it up with blond, but did brown by mistake. AND IT’S ALL NEREZZA’S FAULT!” She finished hysterically.
“Sure, right.” Mike said, and closed the window.
That night, Sara washed out all the cheap hair dye, and noticed that more of her hair had turned white underneath.

Ashley hung up with a hysterical Sara for second time in just over a week. She was fairly sure Sara was a little obsessed with Nerezza, but Sara always tended to overreact. Either way, Ashley had promised Sara that tomorrow, they would break Nerezza’s shell. No matter what it would take.

Come on..... somebody review???????????????? Please?????????????????????????

Tori- so this is really good, right? Right. So, down to business. This portion of the story is really intriguing and made me want to read more. Also the last line :

No matter what it would take.

Builds the suspense nicely. So yeah, thats pretty much it...good job!

Sup again, Dreamy.

First off, your opening paragraph is great. It really grabbed my attention. We get to see Sara be herself. Kudos!

Getting into these schools require bending many minds. One must have an address, certification of birth, and numerous other forms, all to be filled out by one’s parents. Conjuring certificates is easy enough, but many people need…convincing. I do hope the school board members do not suffer from brain damage.

I see now that you've been using Nerezza's crystal ball [for lack of a better term] to separate thoughts. I think that's actually really cool. The only thing is that you have to be careful, because it's going to leave readers confused for a while.

“I’m breaking up with you.” Sara was outside her boyfriend Mike’s house.

It'd be better to say "Mike said," because at first we think Sara is speaking. You can add this detail in a short reprieve of the dialogue, or when they finish. Some thought bubbles would be good as well.

Ashley hung up with a hysterical Sara for second time in just over a week. She was fairly sure Sara was a little obsessed with Nerezza, but Sara always tended to overreact. Either way, Ashley had promised Sara that tomorrow, they would break Nerezza’s shell. No matter what it would take.


Nice cliff hanger.

Hm. I see that you want to use all the characters perspectives. My suggestion is that you either make a chapter for each of their perspectives, or do the star sectioning of a chapter [paragraph * next paragraph]. The only thing you should consider is how important Ashley is to the plot. It would be frustrating for her to conveniently disappear. So, just consider that.
I can see where you're going with Sara's hair, which is also really cool. I'm not going to say what I think though. Mostly because... well, it's not what I think, it's what you think. Keep writing. I'm very intrigued.

*Seraph*

Yeah, the first parts are a little confusing-- but it will all come together soon. Actually, starting with my next chapter.

Thanks for the reviews!! I'm currently writing more, and editing what I have.

'Ello good citizens of YWS! So, I reallllly want to post the next part of my story, but I could use some more reviews first. So, pleasey please *bats eyelashes* review? Thanks!!!

--Dreamy


p.s. Title suggestions are welcome!!! Actually, more then welcome.

Hi, it's me yet again! Very interested in this series...please continue.

(she had said a total of 18 words during her entire time at the school.)But Sara assumed she had one.

OK, add the bolded word, and please put a space after the closing parenthesis.

“What!?” She half yelled.

She doesn't have to be capitalized. Also, I believe half and yelled should be joined like this: half-yelled.

We can still be friends.” Mike said

Period should be a comma.

No matter what it would take.

I like this closing sentence, except for the tense. Unfortunately, if you changed this to: 'No matter what it took.' then it wouldn't fit with the story, and yada yada yada.

Still, great story! Please keep writing, and expect another review from me very, very soon. This is Fruits_Basket99Tohru, signing off!