First story-- part 2

II
Class ended. “Hey,” Sara called out to Nerezza in the hallway. “Are you too stupid to remember that I’m supposed to give you a tour?” She asked, even though she had no intentions of doing so. Nerezza’s head snapped up to acknowledge that she had heard, but she said nothing. Sara looked her up and down. A Black tee, black jeans, and black Converses, oddly contrasting with her rosy complexion. “Goth much? God, your clothes are ugly.” Sara threw out, hoping to get a reaction. This was where most geeks said something like, “No, they’re not!” and started crying. Nerezza’s face didn’t change. “What, you’re too dumb to talk?” Sara chided.
“I… prefer silence,” Nerezza said softly. “Now if you would be so kind as to grant me passage.” She said without emotion. Sara realized that she was blocking Nerezza's way.
“Freak.” Sara said, brushing past and shouldering her hard. She glanced back to see Nerezza fingering a necklace that she hadn’t seen before. It must have been under her shirt. Sara squinted at the stone. It was black, so dark that it seemed to absorb the light. Sara shivered and kept walking.
This one was different. Normally, they would cower before me by now, and give up. Realize that I was anomalous. At this time, I am too powerful, less in control. If she does not realize my abnormality soon, a painful end for her will ensue.
Sara was scared. This girl, Nerezza wasn’t normal. She was mysterious, unreadable. She spoke like someone from long ago. However, this only made Sara want to hurt her more. But before she could continue thinking, her vision swam, and she blacked out.
Sara dreamed. She was in a room, pressed against a wall. Hiding. From what? She asked herself. The room was dark. No light penetrated the velvet black, and it seemed alive. The dark was alive. A cold laugh echoed in her ears and something brushed her face. She ran aimlessly, trying to get away. But a part of her knew that no matter how fast she ran, she would never get anywhere.
The dream changed. Sara was in a room lit only by a dusty bulb. The walls were concrete, the floor metal. A small wooden table sat in the middle, with a girl, about Sara’s age, seated at the head. She hummed a soft tune and poured tea into chipped cups for several filthy, decapitated porcelain dolls. The girl looked up, and Sara noticed her white hair and shocking black eyes. The girl smiled. “Oh, good! You’re just in time to join our tea party!” She said, motioning for Sara to sit. She did so timidly. The girl pushed her hair out of her eyes. My hair. Sara thought. Mine? The girl laughed, as if she could hear what Sara was thinking and found it amusing. She fingered the deep black stone on her necklace as she laughed.
“I-I have to go.” Sara whispered, standing up.
“Go ahead. You’ll join me soon enough. And then we’re going to play forever.” The girl replied. Sara tried to run, but there was no door. The shadows reached out and pushed her back, back. The cold laugh returned, mixed with the maniacal chortle of the little girl. Sara screamed, and woke up.
She was back in the hallway, staring at Nerezza’s necklace, as if no time had passed at all. She had a feeling that none had. She stared for a moment.
“Have you not another insult?” Nerezza finally asked, snapping Sara back to reality.
“You… You’re…” She spluttered.
“At last.” Breathed Nerezza, her eyes widening. She walked off, leaving Sara standing in the now empty hallway.

I am now your fan!

“Are you too dense to remember that I’m supposed to give you a tour?”

Hmm. Although dense is a very good word, but I'm not sure if a thirteen year old would use it in their vocabulary on a daily basis, even if they are trying to belittle someone. I'd stick with dumb, stupid, lame...that kind of thing.

She asked, even though Nerezza would only get a tour over her dead body.

When read out loud, this sounds a little awkward. I know what you are trying to get across, but it's confusing.

Nerezza’s head snapped up

Snapped? I don't mean to sound too nitpicky, but picturing it in my head, makes me think inhuman quick movement, and I'm pretty sure you aren't going for that at this time. Maybe just have her nod once, or just kind of humph.

ABlack tee, black jeans, and black Converses, oddly contrasting with her rosy complexion.

silence.”

Comma not period.

Sara realized that she was blocking her way.

I know this is extremely nitpicky now, but I wanted to point out this sentence to you because you use two pronouns for two different people and sometimes, not necessarily here, it can be confusing. I know it seems weird to write out names over and over, but in this case, I'd use Nerezza's name instead of 'her'.

now, and give up.

Not sure if a comma is needed here.

This one was different.

Try 'one's' instead of "one was". Makes it sound more teenager realistic.

Realize that I was anomalous.

This is what I call a SAT word. Words that are definitely not used in every day vocabulary. There is no context clues here to tell the reader what this word means. Granted, a thesaurus is always neat to have handy when writing. But keep it a little more simple.

Okay. Wow. Intense dream. I liked it very much.
Sorry if I was a little nit-picky. I'm working on my research paper, so I'm in total edit mode at the moment.
Your MCs are very interesting. Although I had said before that I think it'd be better not to change POV's, I really would like to see more of Nerezza's life. What's with her? Why is she playing out the stereotypical goth?
And Sara, another stereotypical character, but I think that may change, yes?
Good luck with your writing. PM me when your next part is up. I'd like to see more.

Hello, Dreamy.

Class ended. “Hey,” Sara called out to Nerezza in the hallway. “Are you too stupid to remember that I’m supposed to give you a tour?”

I feel it'd be best to elaborate on the "class ended." I mean, you can have a lot of tension/suspense build up in just a few moments. Think of what Sara would do/think/feel in those few moments.

“Goth much? God, your clothes are ugly.” Sara threw out, hoping to get a reaction.

For dialogue, it's usually best to make it a separate paragraph. Like this:

"How are you?" Jane said.
"Fine," George replied.

See what I mean?

Sara shivered and kept walking.

After the dream sequence, you have Sara still standing in front of Nerezza. Just a small inconsistency.

This one was different. Normally, they would cower before me by now, and give up. Realize that I was anomalous. At this time, I am too powerful, less in control. If she does not realize my abnormality soon, a painful end for her will ensue.

For thoughts, usually you put them in quotes like this: 'holy cow.' or in italics: holy cow. I prefer the latter, because it's easier to pick it out from normal situations.

Sara was scared. This girl, Nerezza wasn’t normal. She was mysterious, unreadable. She spoke like someone from long ago. However, this only made Sara want to hurt her more. But before she could continue thinking, her vision swam, and she blacked out.

A little more detail before this point would be good. Everything seems to be happening rather fast.

The dream is a little confusing, but then, I haven't read the first part yet. I suggest you add more descriptions and detail; at the moment, it's hard to tell how the dream person and Nerezza are the same.

Overall, good. I suggest some more details, and more description. I like Nerezza because she reminds me of one of my own characters. Also, slow it down a bit; I mean, this is the second part. We need to see Sara's character some more before the life changing event. Other than that, keep writing! I'm very interested in Nerezza.

*Seraph*

Thanks, Seraph. Actually, the dream person and Nerezza aren't supposed to be the same-- you'll see why later. Thanks for all the reviews.

Np. Alright, I'll wait and see how it goes.

Once again, your story is well written, and very interesting, but there are some mistakes.

When you say "a black tee, black jeans, and black Converses", the story sounds slightly awkward. I think it flows better when you only say the word "black" once.

Not far after that Sara says, "Goth much?" I find it a little confusing, and I would just say "Goth?"

There weren't many more mistakes. It was mostly just punctuation and spelling.

Remember your audience. Also, remember to like your characters.

Keep working!

'Ello good citizens of YWS! So, I reallllly want to post the next part of my story, but I could use some more reviews first. So, pleasey please *bats eyelashes* review? Thanks!!!

--Dreamy


p.s. Title suggestions are welcome!!! Actually, more then welcome.

Hi. Since you asked for more reviews, and I really liked the 1st part, here I am!

I’m supposed to give you a tour?” She asked

Change she back to lowercase--it's part of a dialogue tag, so there's no need to capitalize it.

“Now if you would be so kind as to grant me passage.” She said without emotion.

Same mistake here--she shouldn't be capitalized. Also, like part 1, you put periods at the end of quotations when there's dialogue tags behind them. Oops!

It was black, so dark that it seemed to absorb the light.

Here, I would advise changing dark to black. It just makes sense to me, since you've already used the previous black. And if punctuation gets messy, you can just change the comma to a hyphen.

“Have you not another insult?”

The word order is a little awkward here. You might say something like, "It's amazing you don't have another insult for me," Nerezza calmly commented/remarked.

“You… You’re…”

Second you're doesn't have to be capitalized.

Anyway, great story overall! Very exciting and suspenseful--I can't wait to review the 3rd! (Hehe--it's probably gonna be done within 45 minutes, seeing that I'm participating in 100 Reviews in 15 Days 2009!) Still, I think my favorite part was the dream. It was so haunting and descriptive--I was able to visualize the whole thing in my head. Thanks for such a nice story! Later.