Over the Rainbow (Prologue)

I knew that when I met her she'd be my everything. Is there a problem with that? You would say, "I don't see a problem with that." Well, you don't know my family. You see, I was raised in the best neighborhood in New Jersey and I attended the best school in the state. My parents loved me and did everything in their will to make sure I was the happiest child in the world. Nothing wrong quite yet. But, the best is yet to come. I met this girl named Callie my sophomore year of high school and I knew that she and I had a connection right away. It's hard enough as it is for me to come to realize who I really am. You know, my identity in life. Callie helped me find who I really am. But you see, it didn't start out like that right away, we didn't speak to each other until junior year. That's not too important right now.

Before I start, I should give you a background story of myself, not too long but just enough for you to get to know who I was. When I realized who I really was, who I was meant to be. But who knew, me, Melissa B. Johnson, bi-sexual. And freshman year I was sure of it. I couldn't let anyone know because I was the popular girl. You know the one who was the cheerleader, the one who dated the captain of the football team. That was until everyone found out who I really was. My life when downhill from there, my parents resented me, especially my father. He didn't expect it at all and I didn't expect his reaction.

But as I said, that's not too important right now. And I began thinking where should I start? Well, I guess I should begin the summer right before my freshman year or should I start with my sophomore year? Eh, I'll start with my summer, right before the years of hell. Yeah, that's a good place to start.

Ello! I saw no one had commented, and i was like, hey! I have some time.
I like the way you wrote this. The way the narrator is speaking is different, and rather refreshing. She has a voice, and is narrating as if actually speaking to you. I like that, a lot. Good job, You should PM me when you post more of this story, i would enjoy reading it!
~Classy

hello Kimmy

I was going to review this piece, but I realized I really couldn't. their isn't much here to be perfectly honest, This seems like more of a, back of the book description, then an actual prologue.

their is nothing wrong with this of course, just isn't that much to review.

what I can say is, I enjoy were the story could potentially head. Honestly at first glance I thought it was going to be some sort of cheesy romances but I was mistaken

Overall, like I mentioned, I enjoy were this story could lead, a few tips. Try and stay away from making it to cliche, I assume you plan on making this a long story, following the main character through her years in high school. Just remember, this has been written about many times, so a lot of creativity and hard work will be needed to create a masterpiece

Looking forward to a real Prologue or even a chapter one soon!

If you need any help please feel free to PM me!

-Zerkk

I love the way you wrote this, but seriously I think you need to put this into more paragraphs. Your skipping from one think to another and it's kind of confusing. I had trouble figuring out who was speaking, too, at first.

I'm not sure if anyone has already said this, but I hoped it helped!

Hey hi!

Okay, first things first: The block of text here is actually kind of hard to read. It looks intimidating and is just a strain on the eyes. A good improvement would be to break it up into several paragraphs. You have several places throughout that could start their own paragraphs, so try breaking it up and it will be a lot easier to read.

I liked the voice of the narrator. I really did. Problem is, all she is doing is infodumping on us. We don't have much of a story, just a lot of stuff she is telling us, and then telling us that it isn't important. If it isn't important, then why is she telling us? It's okay to do that occasionally, in order to pique a reader's interest, but this is just a solid block of exposition that we don't care about yet because we don't know the character. Let us meet the character and get to care about her first before we get saddled with her life story.

All in all, this has potential. It looks like it could really be interesting, but for a beginning, it doesn't have much of a hook.

I'd still like to see where you go with this. PM me when you update! I'd like to see more.

~GryphonFledgling

I liked this. I feel the overall story with the struggle will be interesting. I'm sure someone else has probably mentioned this, but you should break it up into more paragraphs. It'd be a lot easier to read.