The Human Mind - Part One

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Fletcher McCarthy glared at the tiny disc of metal that was on his work-table. For years he had been working on this invention, the scattered materials all over the room were blatant proof of that. But this time, it would work. He hadn’t come this far, given up his family and friends for nothing.

And he couldn’t fail again when He is counting on him. After Fletcher’s wife had left him, claiming that she was tired of him just working on pointless inventions that never worked, he had almost given up. What if she’s right? He had thought to himself sadly. What if I’ll never get another invention right?

But then He came. Fletcher had been at the alcohol cabinet again, and he was hopelessly drunk. But then the knocking came from the front door. Fletcher hadn't wanted to deal with anybody that night, so he just turned up the volume on the TV and tried to ignore it. But the person at the door just wouldn't give up, not even after Fletcher had shouted “go away!” at the top of his lungs.

Angrily, Fletcher had stomped to the door and flung it open. “What do you want?” He snarled. But the man outside only smirked at him. He was taller than Fletcher, with dark brown hair barely covered with a black fedora. Every inch of this strange man screamed ‘rich’, from His impeccably tailored suit to His Italian leather designer shoes.

But before Fletcher could slam the door in this man’s expensive face, He had calmly placed one designer shoe in the door. “I have a proposition for you.” He had said, as He stepped through the door.

And now, here he was, stretched almost to the end of his rope, struggling to get this done. But just the night before, he had had an epiphany. Now he knew why his earlier attempts had never worked. And now all the bugs were fixed.

Just one last touch, and he was done. The tiny disc was finished. And now He would help Fletcher with his problems. He would help Fletcher get his family back. But first He had to get here.

Fletcher didn't have to wait long though, for not even five minutes after the device was finished, and He was at the door. But when Fletcher opened the door to let Him in, he noticed that He was not alone, as He usually was. With the man were two equally tall, but way more built men. It seemed as if they were just waiting to beat some poor soul into a pulp.

Fletcher didn't get to ask the question as to who these men were, for at the same moment that they barged into his house, they had knocked him out.

***

Fletcher woke a while later, but he definitely wasn't in his house. It seemed that he was in the trunk of a car that was speeding down a road. His hands and feet were tied, and he could barely see anything. Panicking, Fletcher began to scream and thrash around in the tiny space, but nothing helped his situation.

After what seemed like hours though, he felt the car come to a stop, and heard the doors open and close. One of the burly men came to the back and pulled him out of the trunk, quickly throwing a bag over his head and hoisting him over his shoulder.

Fletcher screamed and tried to fight his way away from the man, but he only laughed and threw him to the floor, inside what Fletcher assumed to be a house. The bag was lifted off his head, and he saw that he was right about it being a house. He was sitting on the floor of a fancy bedroom, with the two men and Him standing in the doorway.

Looking around, Fletcher saw that there was only one window in the room, and that was barred up like a jail cell. And that’s what this is, Fletcher thought to himself. He couldn’t believe that he had been so stupid. Why on earth had he thought that this man was trustworthy?

Fletcher looked back to the man, and narrowed his eyes. “So what is this?” he growled. “Why did you bring me here? You got what you wanted.”

The man laughed boisterously. “Oh, you would think that, wouldn’t you? But no. Your job is not quite done. I need you to do one more thing for me. And no, I don’t think that you’ll be able to refuse this.”

Sorry it's a bit short. The second part will be up soon. Please be as harsh as you like with your critiques! Thank you so much in advance!

~ Trish :smt006
~ Patricia Tina :smt006

Don't look in the spoiler.

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Good start. Catchy. It does need work though.
The biggest thing I noticed was that you do too much telling and not enough showing.
But then the knocking came from the front door. Fletcher hadn't wanted to deal with anybody that night, so he just turned up the volume on the TV and tried to ignore it. But the person at the door just wouldn't give up, not even after Fletcher had shouted “go away!” at the top of his lungs.

Describe what happens here. What is he doing exactly when the knocking starts? You could have Fletcher actually say "go away!". Example:
Fletcher was watching TV when the knocking came. He tried to ignore it by turning the volume up. But the person at the door just wouldn't go away.
"Go away!" Fletcher yelled from the top of his lungs.


But before Fletcher could slam the door in this man’s expensive face, He had calmly placed one designer shoe in the door. “I have a proposition for you.” He had said, as He stepped through the door.

And now, here he was, stretched almost to the end of his rope, struggling to get this done. But just the night before, he had had an epiphany. Now he knew why his earlier attempts had never worked. And now all the bugs were fixed.

This is confusing. Did the rich guy force him to finish the invention? Could you put another sentence or two here to explain?

Fletcher didn't get to ask the question as to who these men were, for at the same moment that they barged into his house, they had knocked him out.

What method did they use to knock him out? Did it hurt?

Fletcher woke a while later, but he definitely wasn't in his house. It seemed that he was in the trunk of a car that was speeding down a road. His hands and feet were tied, and he could barely see anything. Panicking, Fletcher began to scream and thrash around in the tiny space, but nothing helped his situation.

Isn't there usually side effects to being knocked out? Like grogginess or headache or something?

Overall it's a good start. There's a lot of fixing up needed here, but you seem to have an interesting story plot. Hope my suggestions helped! And remember you don't have to do them.
Happy Writing! :mrgreen:
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Hi there. I'm Jay! It's nice to meet you. =]

This piece certainly intrigued me. Fletcher's story seems very interesting and adventurous.

I agree with Pretty Crazy - you need to describe things a lot more. I want to be able to picture Fletcher, his workshop, his house - all those things. Expand on the five senses; what does Fletcher hear, see, taste, feel, smell?

Also, I want to see what Fletcher is like. What kind of person is he? What are his likes and dislikes? Things like that. I think that as this story develops, his personality will develop as well.

Details are the biggest thing with me. But don't go completely overboard - you don't need two pages of details describing the windowsills, haha.

I love it so far, though! I can't wait to read some more. :)




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OK.
I really liked this as an opening: it worked well.

However, I would really like a little more information on Fletcher. What has he invented before? Why does he undertake in this invention? What does it do?

More description on Fletcher would be good: age, appearance, etc. Maybe you could add in him looking in a mirror in his hall before he opens the door??

All in all, however, a great start!!

Keep writing!

Mia
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I agree it is a good start, but it is a bit confusing about 6 paragraphs into it. In my opinion, character development should take time.
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