Removing.

Hi Nightmares! You're new, aren't you? I'm Kara, nice to meet you. ^^

It's been a while since I've come to YWS, so I might be rusty at this but here goes nothing!

The buildings shifted past; grey skeletons against a black backdrop.

I don't think this should be a semicolon. A comma would be more appropriate.

Harsh lights glinted in the upper parts of the towering skyscrapers, while the ground levels stood open to the elements

No comma.

piles of human bodies lay asleep on the cement trying to beat the summer heat.

Beat the summer heat is a little jarring since it rhymes. Try changing it? ^^

He had no intention of using the weapon unless he had to something that became increasingly likely the longer he stayed in this city.

...using the weapon unless he had to - something that became increasingly likely...

Two black clad figures moved silently along the street, their helmeted heads sweeping the length of it searching for anything that may be out of place.

...their helmeted heads sweeping the length of it, searching for anything that may be out of place.

His heading your way alpha team, stand down!

He's.
His is possessive. This goes for the other misuse of his in the story. ^^

I should start to see it shortly.

I should see it shortly. Cutting start would make the sentence stronger.

The word bounced off the walls stirring a few people awake.

The word bounced off the walls, stirring a few people awake.

“Who are you helping, are their more of you?”

"Who are you helping? Are there more of you?"


Now on to the overall review.

The Good:

This was one explosive piece. I like it a lot. It's...I don't know. It's just there - the entire thing was intense, and there wasn't a pointless scene in it. The dialogue didn't sound stilted, and you seem to know your world inside out. Good job.

The Bad:

The grammatical errors. And I didn't really get the mind reading part and the poking and prodding part. That's it. Seriously.

If you have any questions about my review, PM me.

~ Kara Hargreaves

Hi, my name's Narniafreak. I guess I'll critique your story as best as I can. Mainly there are little errors that Kara already pointed out, so fix those. Good job describing the setting of the place, I could really picture it. Quick question: Is this another world completely, or is it Earth in future events? The answer might determine where you want to put it in, fantasy or science fiction. The action was intense and kept me reading so good job on that. At the beginning when "they" are reporting in or whatever, you could maybe say who is talking. I get the gist that it's soldiers or something but not exactly sure who. The mind reading/probbing thing was very creative. I would love to read more of this story and find out what happens with Seven and the little girls and whatever else. Keep up the good work and keep writing. Hope this helped.

-Narniafreak