Learning the Truth (Chapter 4)

“Yeah, yeah, that was so funny.” I said, sarcastically. When I was about to open the door I herd something. “Jacob! Hailey!” We turned around to see who it was. It was Dahlia, Mahad and Lena. Mahad and Lena are siblings, Dahlia is Mahad’s girlfriend. Mahad is very tall about an inch shorter than Jacob. He has short black hair and combs it in a spiky style. Pale skin and light blue eyes. Lena is short about two inches shorter than me. She has short black that is cut right under her jaw, pale skin and the exact same shade of blue eyes as her older brother. Dahlia has blond hair that reaches the end of her neck is about three inches taller than me. She has pale skin chocolate brown eyes and this tough look that never seems to leave her face. Mahad and Lena’s parents were kidnapped and never found. And Dahlias parents were in the military. They died. They got together about two years ago and came here. The amazing thing is that Lena is like me and Jacob. She has powers. She has the powers of telekinessis and telepathy, creating energy bolts and balls, projecting memories, and remotely sensing the presence of things and people. Cool.

“Hey guys.” said Jacob.

“What’s up?” I added.

“Not much.” Dahlia said, while shrugging. “We just need your help.” she added. “What do you need?” asked Jacob, concerned. “Well we’re low on supplies and we need your help to get some. If it’s okay with you.” said Lena. “Of cores I’ll help you.” Jacob looked at me hopeful. “Are you coming Hail?” he asked. “Uh, duh.” he smiled.

I smiled too. “Okay I have a plan.” said Dahlia. She tolled us her plan and it was a good one. I put the bag in the kitchen and ran back out side. This was gonna be fun.

***

We walked a couple blocks away from where we live. We walked to a market where the owner is really cruel. Hey if we’re gonna steal let’s do it to someone who deserves it. The market is huge and it has security guards. But we planed for this. Everything is under control. “Okay let’s start the plan.” said Dahlia. “This is gonna be fun.” said Mahad, smiling. I can’t believe he actually likes this.

I rolled my eyes. We all walked toward different directions. I pretended to look at some things for a while. As planed I called some security guards. “Um, excuse me. Could you come over here for a second?” Two really huge security guards came walking towards me. “Yes?” one of them asked. “Um… what is this, some cheap brand? I thought this was a high quality store? What the heck are non-brands doing here?” I complained. “And what about this tampons? Shmampons? What kind of person would have the nerve to order shmampons?” I turned around to keep complaining, when someone caught my eye.

It was a man. He was standing right in front of the store. He was wearing a trench coat and a hat. He looked at me and gave me an evil smirk. I gasped. The room was becoming a blur. No, no, no, no, not now. I can’t be having a vision. Not now. Usually when I have these visions I lose my balance. And I did. My knees gave out and I fell to the ground.

I felt that one of the security guards kneel next to me. “Are you okay?” he asked. I didn’t answer him. I was to busy. I could hear the other security guard calling someone. His voice was faint.

In my vision Jacob and I were running. Running away from something… or someone? Is it Trench coat guy? I don’t know. I can’t see who it is. I have a scared and worried look in my face. And Jacob has a look I’ve never seen before on his face. I don’t even know how to describe it. I could hear it coming closer and closer…

Someone was next to me. “Can you hear me?” said a man I didn’t recognize. “Yes.” I said to see if he would leave me alone. I needed to concentrate. It was getting difficult to see what was going on. “I’m Dr. Smith. I’m going to help you. I’m calling an ambulance right away.” Those words stun me. “No! Don’t! Get away from me!” I yelled pushing him away. That did it.

Everything went blank. I ruined my concentration, because of Dr. Smith. “I’m fine I said getting up.” I said getting up. Why won’t my vision come back? Why is everything still blank? Before I could give it anymore thought, I slowly started seeing the room.

I looked at the back door and the guys were walking out. Jacob was looking at me with a worried expression. I inconspicuously nodded once. He sighed with relief and nodded once. Then he walked out with the others.

“I’m fine. I’m getting out of here.” I said, angrily and stomped out of the store. I walked around the corner and met up with the guys. “That was a success.” said Dahlia. “That was awesome! We rock, man!” said Mahad. I chuckled.

“Are you okay?” asked Jacob, in a low voice. I nodded. “I’m fine. Really, I am. Don’t worry about it, okay?”

“Okay.”

I didn’t feel good lying to Jacob, but I didn’t want to talk about it in front of the guys. When we’re home I’ll tell him everything.

***

We walked inside our house and I sat down on the couch. “Jacob?” I asked. He turned around to look at me. “Yeah?” he said, sitting down next to me. “I had I vision out there.”

“I figured, what about?”

I told him everything. Every single detail from when it started to when it ended. After I told him he had this serious look on his face. After a moment of silence he finally spoke. “So, what does this mean?”

Hey there! Ok first of all let me say this is awsome! Read all the chapters and Loved them. Ok one of the things that I've noticed is that like me, we both make the same mistake I'll show you a few examples:

“Hey guys.” said Jacob.

This should be: "Hey guys," said Jacob. (Hope I'm making sense)

“Not much.” Dahlia said, while shrugging. “We just need your help.” she added. “What do you need?” asked Jacob, concerned. “Well we’re low on supplies and we need your help to get some. If it’s okay with you.” said Lena. “Of cores I’ll help you.” Jacob looked at me hopeful. “Are you coming Hail?” he asked. “Uh, duh.” he smiled.

The same here and in others too. There should be a comma not a period. Because the sentence doesnt end there. ( I hope you understand! )

Everything went blank. I ruined my concentration, because of Dr. Smith. “I’m fine I said getting up.” I said getting up. Why won’t my vision come back? Why is everything still blank? Before I could give it anymore thought, I slowly started seeing the room.

This was an Oops moment

Well,I guess thats it for today! Hope you write the next one faster... Or else (You get it)
PS: I'm on nobodys team... For now

Yo, wookie! Wazzup? I really enjoyed this chapter. It kind of showed that, while Hail doesn't particularly enjoy stealing, she's got a bit of a cavalier attitude about it, since it's necessary. I like the way you portrayed that. Also: watching her complain about tampons was quite amusing (teehee).
So, onto the critique! Wow, I've missed this...

“Yeah, yeah, that was so funny,” I said sarcastically.

First off: you've got to remember that when you're going straight from the speaking part to the he said/she said/I said part, you use a comma, not a period. I also took out the comma between 'said' and 'sarcastically.' If you're using the word that come after the 'I said' part to describe how Hail was saying the words, you don't add that comma. But if you're putting something she did while speaking after the 'I said,' then you'd use that comma. Ex: "Yeah, yeah, that was so funny," I said, shaking my head disgustedly. Ask your English teacher if you're still confused...

When I was about to open the door I herd something. [P] “Jacob! Hailey!” We turned around to see who it was.

Okay. For that first sentence, you either have to add in a comma after the word 'door' (When I was about to open the door, I heard something) or you can switch around the words (I heard something when I was about to open the door). If you choose the second option, you could add in the third sentence: 'I heard something when I was about to open the door, and we turned around to see who it was.' That's just a suggestion, though. Also, you always have to start a new paragraph when you make someone new talking, and you should've used 'heard' where I underlined it, not 'herd': 'heard' is hearing in the past tense, and 'herd' is like, 'a herd of rampaging buffalo.' Mm-kay?

It was Dahlia, Mahad, and Lena. Mahad and Lena are siblings, Dahlia is Mahad’s girlfriend.

Okay. I underlined two commas there. In the first sentence, I underlined it because it was something I threw in- I'm pretty sure that you need commas all throughout a list, even when you're saying 'and'- and in the second sentence, you have a choice of what to do. You can't leave the comma as it is, but you could add an 'and' after it, or just change it into a semicolon. So: 'Mahad and Lena are siblings, and Dahlia is Mahad's girlfriend,' or 'Mahad and Lena are siblings; Dahlia is Mahad's girlfriend.'

Mahad is very tall about an inch shorter than Jacob. He has short black hair and combs it in a spiky style. Pale skin and light blue eyes.

In the first sentence, I think you should throw in a comma, so it'd be like: Mahad is very tall, about an inch shorter than Jacob. Then, you can combine the two sentences after that by just switching around a few words: He has short black hair that he combs into a spiky style, pale skin, and light blue eyes. The third sentence was more of a fragment than an actual sentence, so combining it with the sentence before it is probably the easiest way to fix that.

Lena is short about two inches shorter than me. She has short black that is cut right under her jaw, pale skin and the exact same shade of blue eyes as her older brother.

I underlined a few spots where I think you should add commas. Since the first sentence is pretty much the same as the first sentence to describe Mahad, you should have that comma in there: Lena is short, about two inches shorter than me. Then, you need that extra comma before the 'and'. Also... typo... you forgot the word 'hair' after the word 'black.'

Dahlia has blond hair that reaches the end of her neck and is about three inches taller than me. She has pale skin, chocolate brown eyes, and this tough look that never seems to leave her face.

Everything I threw in is pretty much self-explanatory. Now, overall... I'm not sure whether or not Mahad, Lena, and Dahlia are going to be somewhat major characters overall, or if you're going to mention them that much after this. If you're not going to use them that much after this chapter, the in-depth character descriptions aren't completely necessary. If you are going to use them a lot after this, however, you can just throw out a random description- like eye/hair color- every once in a while. The descriptions just take a while to read and distract you from everything else. People remember things better if you mention them a little bit at a time, anyway.
Back to critiquing grammer:

Mahad and Lena’s parents were kidnapped and never found. And Dahlias parents were in the military. They died.

Lately, I've been discovering that I have something else that I always end up critiquing, besides my obsession with commas: I like turning many sentences into one! You could write here, 'Mahad and Lena's parents were kidnapped and never found, and Dahlia's parents died in the military.' That's just a suggestion to shorten it up overall, but in any case, you forgot the apostrophe in 'Dahlia's'. You also don't need that 'And' to start off the sentence about Dahlia's parents.

She has powers.

This sentence isn't entirely necessary, since right after it, you begin talking about her different powers, and right before it, you say that she's the same as Hail and Jacob, which would imply that she had powers in any case.
ALSO, IT SEEMS LIKE LENA HIT THE 'POWERS' JACKPOT. THAT'S A LOT OF COOL STUFF!
Okay. I know Cynara mentioned this already and I think I've mentioned it once or twice as well, but:

“Not much,” Dahlia said, -while- shrugging. “We just need your help.” -she added.- [P]“What do you need?” asked Jacob, concerned. [P] “Well, we’re low on supplies and we need your help to get some. If it’s okay with you,” said Lena. [P] “Of cores I’ll help you.” Jacob looked at me hopeful. “Are you coming, Hail?” he asked. [P] “Uh, duh.” [P] He smiled.

You've got to have the commas when you're going directly from speech into the he said/she said/I said. Also, whenever someone new begins to talk, you need to make a new paragraph. Yes, I know it's annoying, because it takes up so much more space, but hey, that's grammar for ya. Since there's no longer any strikethrough, for some reason *shrugs*, I decided to use -these things- whenever there's words you don't need. You don't need that 'while' before you say that Dahlia was shrugging; just 'Dahlia said, shrugging,' is fine. You also don't need to say 'she added,' as long as you don't make a new paragraph. I threw in some commas there (like that's different). When Lena's talking, you can combine those two sentences, like: "Well, we're low on supplies and we need your help to get some, if it's okay with you," said Lena. Then, when you're talking about Jacob, you should've used 'hopefully,' not just 'hopeful.' Lastly, Jacob said something along the lines of 'Of cores I'll help you,' but you need to say 'Of course I'll help you.' Stupid homonyms, I know. But 'cores' is the plural form of the center of something (ex: core of an apple, core of the Earth) and 'course' is like 'of course' or courses in school. Okay?
Wow, that ^ was a big block of text. I hope you don't get lost in it.

I smiled, too. [P] “Okay, I have a plan,” said Dahlia. She tolled us her plan, and it was a good one.

Okay. I put in commas. Also, you should've had 'told,' not 'tolled.' 'Told' is past tense of 'telling,' and 'tolled' is... actually, I'm not exactly sure. I know a 'toll' is like paying money when you pass a certain place on a highway, but 'tolled'... *mulls over it for a while, then gives up* That last sentence... I don't know, it just seemed a bit unnecessary. Almost forced. I'm not exactly sure how to explain it, but it just seemed a bit out-of-place. Maybe you can kind of imply that she's telling the plan by having her say after she said that they had a plan, "This is how it's going to work...." or something like that.

ran back out side.

Outside: one word.

We walked a couple blocks away from where we live. We walked to a market where the owner is really cruel.

That's a bit repetitive. You could combine those two sentences, like: We walked to a market a couple blocks away where the owner is really cruel. Or something like that.

Hey, if we’re gonna steal, let’s do it to someone who deserves it.

Comma magic! Za-za-zing! Also, for the sentence in general: teehee. I like it.

But we planed for this.

'Planned.' You need those two 'n's in there. 'Planed'... hm... what does that mean...? *beginning to get frustrated*
Also- I'm not going to copy-pasta just to save time and space- but in the two sentences after that, you need to remember to make new paragraphs when people begin to speak and to have commas instead of periods.

I pretended to look at some things for a while. As planed, I called some security guards.

These sentences just seem a bit off to me. You could combine them, if you want. In any case: planned, not planed, and you need that comma after 'planned.'

I thought this was a high quality store?

Okay. I really liked this entire part, so I'm just going to throw in some suggestions to make her sound more exasperated. You might want to put an exclamation point here, instead of a question mark, and throw in tons of italicized words into the paragraph! The more, the better! It'll make her seem bitchier. Yay!

He was standing right in front of the store. He was wearing a trench coat and a hat. He looked at me and gave me an evil smirk.

Too many sentences beginning with 'he'. You might want to combine the first two.

No, no, no, no, not now. I can’t be having a vision. Not now.

I italicized that part for one simple reason: to show you how it looked. You might want to italicize just that part, so it looks more like she's thinking it instead of telling us about it.

Usually when I have these visions I lose my balance.

Okay. You either need to throw in a comma after 'visions' (Usually when I have these visions, I lose my balance) or switch around the words (I usually lose my balance when I have these visions). I think these are called dependent and independent clauses, but don't call me out on that.

I felt -that- one of the security guards kneel next to me.

Self-explanatory. Cut out that 'that.'

I was to busy.

Homonyms are so annoying, aren't they? You need 'too' here, instead of 'to.'

Is it Trench Coat Guy?

Heh. Trench Coat Guy. If you give someone a weird title like that, you need to capitalize all the words of said weird title.

I have a scared and worried look in my face.

'On.' Not 'in.'

I don’t even know how to describe it. [P] I could hear it coming closer and closer…

That new paragraph isn't entirely necessary. It might just add to the drama of the scene.

“Yes,” I said, to see if he would leave me alone.

I threw in that comma after 'I said,' and also the whole 'he said/she said/I said' thingy.

I yelled, pushing him away.

You need that comma in there, because it's an action she's doing as she's speaking.

“I’m fine I said getting up.” I said getting up.

Typo.

Before I could give it anymore thought

Sometimes, 'anymore' can be one word, but at other times, you have to use it as two. This is one of those times. *sigh* I hate the English language.

I inconspicuously nodded once. He sighed with relief and nodded once.

Repetitive. You might want to say that Jake nodded back, instead of nodded once.

“I’m fine. I’m getting out of here,” I said angrily, and stomped out of the store.

I moved that comma around in the second part of the sentence. 'Angrily' is describing her tone of voice while she speaks, and the rest is something she's doing after she speaks, so you need it after angrily, but not before. Confusing? Yes. I know. Ask your English teacher.

When -we’re- we get home, I’ll tell him everything.

Okay. I don't think you necessarily need the 'we get' instead of the 'we're,' but it's just another suggestion.

“I figured, what about?”

You can either change that comma to a semicolon or a period, but you can't keep it as a comma. Personally, I'd recommend a period.
I am officially done ripping this chapter to shreds!
I liked this chapter a lot. Her visions keep getting cooler and cooler, and I'm waiting anxiously for them to come true.... Keep writing, and I'll see you around!