Untitled, chapter two part one *edited*

Hey =] I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to write this part, but I've had a really bad case of writers block I'm not 100% hapy with this part, but I'm hoping that you guys will be able to make it 10 times better. It's rather long, but I couldn't find any other place to break it off. Please read and review! I hope you like it, xDudettex =]


*One month earlier*

The chorus of ‘happy birthday’ still rang in my ears as I left the marquee and entered the cold September night. The gravel crunched beneath my heels and I pulled my shawl closer around me for warmth. Stupid party. I don’t even know why I had to come. It’s not like I actually know whose birthday it is or anything. But I did know why I had come; Gabby would have thrown a fit if I’d have missed it.
‘No-one’s going to know who you are if you don’t show up to parties like this.’ Her words echoed at the back of my mind yet I heard them as clearly as if she were standing next to me, yelling in my ear.

So what? What if I didn’t want anyone to know who I was? But I knew I was lying to myself. What’s the point in writing stories if no-one reads them? I was never going to be an author if my stories stayed hidden away in a computer file forever. Apparently there was some editing guy here who Gabby wanted me to meet with, but I’d escaped before she could return with him.

I breathed out sharply and watched as my warm breath mingled with the chilly night air. It reminded me so much of smoke, the way that my breath whirled and danced until it disappeared with the cold. Smoke. That would help calm me down.

I unclasped my bag and fumbled around inside. The string of lanterns above me illuminated my bag at the same moment that I felt my finger tips brush smooth cardboard. I withdrew my hand with a small box in its grasp. I flipped the lid open and pulled out the last cigarette before I dropped the empty box back amongst my purse and hairbrush. I placed the cigarette between my lips. Now where did I put the lighter? I leaned my bag on top of the wrought iron fence that lined the edge of the gravelled driveway. Cheers and laughter was still audible from the white marquee behind me, but I ignored it and tried to focus on finding my lighter.

Come on. Stupid bag. Can’t ever find anything in it. I pursed my lips and felt the cigarette bend with the pressure. Good job I’m not a regular smoker. By the time I find the bleedin’ lighter, I’ll be fifty. I shook my bag with frustration, but paused when I heard the sound of footsteps on the gravel behind me. Please don’t let it be Gabby. She’ll only go on and on about how smoking is bad for my health. She knows I only smoke when I’m stressed and being in a room full of strangers is enough to make anyone stressed.

I shook my bag once more, hearing my keys jingle, before someone come to a halt beside me. The smell of expensive perfume was overwhelming and the alcoholic scent of it stung my nose. After a couple of moments though, the aroma was mingled with the smell of cigarettes and I watched out of the corner of my eye as a plume of smoke whirled in the still air. I tried to ignore the figure next to me, not wanting to have to talk to anyone, and went back to routing around in my handbag.

“Need a light?” The voice broke the nights silence.

My gaze was immediately pulled to the figure standing next to me, though I wish it hadn’t been. My stomach knotted and I leaned forward into the fence to stop myself from falling over the moment that my sight landed on him. The light from the lanterns above shone across his face, making his blue eyes twinkle. My stomach felt as if it were being strangled by my intestines.
Oh my gosh. I can’t believe this is happening to me. I’m having a cigarette with Chace Milligan. The Chace Milligan. The same Chace Milligan that I have had a huge crush on since I was thirteen. The same guy that I have pictures of plastered all over my bedroom walls. I can’t believe it!
“I’m sorry.” His voice was sincere yet his grin was cheeky. It was almost as if he had been expecting my reaction.

I took the cigarette from my mouth as he held his lighter out towards me.
“Thanks,” I mumbled as he lit it. I immediately turned away from him and took a long drag.
“So, you are?”
Wait. He was talking to me?
“Uh, Sadie,” I stammered. He smiled and his eyes seemed to light up.
“Nice to meet you Sadie. I’m Chace.” He said the last part with a small laugh. It was obvious that I knew who he was. Come on. Every girl in the United Kingdom knew who he was. I felt myself blush under his gaze, so I looked behind me at the marquee to try and re-compose myself.
“This isn‘t really my idea of a great night out, you know,” he sighed, bringing my attention back to him. “My agent insisted that I come. There’s some big director at this party and since his last film went straight to number one, my agent figured it could do wonders for my career. So, what brings you here?”
I coughed. Half from the cigarette smoke that was filling my lungs for the first time in two months and half with surprise that he was still choosing to talk to me.
“Uh, well.” Come on Sadie. Get a grip! “My friend Gabby dragged me here actually.”
“Oh.”
His simple answer surprised me. I had kind of expected him to ask how I had snuck in, seeing as I wasn’t famous like the rest of the guests. Gabby included.
“Gabby who?”
“Gabby Mitchell,” I said, before taking another drag from my cigarette. My hands were shaking and I was still leaning against the fence. I could feel my knees threatening to buckle.
He suddenly sounding more interested. “The weather girl from channel seven?”
I nodded, not trusting my voice as I exhaled. I didn’t want to choke on the cigarette smoke and look like a complete fool in front of Britain’s fittest up and coming actor.
I watched Chace as he seemed to take in my answering nod. Wow. His jaw line is so strong and masculine and…
“She’s got a nice pair on her, hasn’t she?”
“Excuse me?” I tried to keep the surprise from my voice. Chace Milligan wasn’t supposed to say things like that.

He grinned, flashing his perfectly white teeth. “I bet you wouldn’t say no if you were a lesbian.”
“What?” My voice was shaky. I screwed my eyes shut. I could almost feel the picture of Chace Milligan in my head crumbling to pieces. The real Chace was nothing like the Chace I’d read about in magazines. He wasn’t the respectful, polite, angelic guy that I’d daydreamed about for the last four years. He was acting just like a pathetic, immature, good-for-nothing teenage boy.
“Don’t deny it,” he said, and I heard him step closer to me. My eyes sprang open against the nights sky. “Come to mention it, you’re not bad yourself.”
I whirled around to face him just in time to see him flick his cigarette butt to the ground and reach towards me.
“W-what?” I stuttered, stepping backwards as he leered at me. That’s when I smelt it. The stale stench of alcohol on his breath was enough to make me drop my cigarette to the floor so that I could cover my face with both hands.
“Come on babes,” he drawled, the effect of the alcohol suddenly more apparent.
I snatched my handbag from it’s place atop the fence. “Get away,” I said, swatting at his outstretched hand.
“Oh come on,” he jeered. “Any sane girl would kill to be in your position right now.”
“B-being harassed is not a c-common wish,” I stuttered, taking another tense step backwards.
“Babes,” he said, “don’t be stupid.” His hair suddenly seemed less perfect and his eyes no longer twinkled. I felt bile rising in my throat. How could I have ever fallen for such a creep?
“I said get away,” I spat, as I decided to make a run for it back towards the marquee.
“Babes!” He yelled, but I wasn’t stopping. I didn’t stop when my heels switched from scuttling on the gravel, to clicking on the linoleum. I didn’t stop when I bumped into a photographer, or when I sent someone’s drink crashing to the floor. I only stopped once I had reached the safe haven of the girls toilets at the entrance to the grand estate.

My lungs were wheezing and my ankles felt sore and swollen from running in heels. My mind ached from trying to figure out a reasonable explanation. I was on a game show and Chace was only pretending to be a disrespectful prat. Someone had spiked his drink with some kind of rudeness drug. The real Chace had been abducted by aliens and the Chace I’d just spoken to was an alien clone. Chace had an evil twin? All stupid, made-up lies to stop myself from believing the truth.

I dropped my bag onto the cold marble countertop between the bank of sinks and leaned forward, burying my head in my hands. I could feel tears running down my cheeks. Why did I have to come to this stupid party in the first place?

Something that I’d been so sure of had turned out to be false. A lie. A stupid, believable lie. I could almost feel my heart breaking. Chace wasn’t the loving, caring, polite, considerate, one hundred percent good guy that the media had painted him out to be after all.

Thanks for reading!

Very, very good! A brilliant return from writer's block!

Hey Dudette! Stella here! Ooh, flashback time- my favourite...

I. NITPICKS

Gabby would have thrown a fit if I’d have missed it.

If Gabby's a best friend figure, she hasn't been mentioned yet, at least, not that I can remember.

That would help calm me down.

Naughty girl

[quote[I withdrew my hand from the bag with a small cardboard box in its grasp. I flipped the lid of the box[/quote]

Repeat of the word cardboard, also, we get the idea, she's taking her fags out.

She’ll only go on about how smoking is bad for my health. She knows I only smoke when I’m stressed though and being in a room full of strangers is enough to make anyone stressed.

Well, it is bad for your health and stress is no excuse.

You can probably see where I stand on this.

the aroma of cinnamon perfume

Cut out this second perfume, perhaps.

“The weather girl from channel seven?” He asked, suddenly sounding more interested.

he, not He.

“She’s got a nice pair on her, hasn’t she.”

Question mark, and OMG! Blunt!

The stale stench of alcohol on his breath

If he was really drunk, wouldn't she have smelt it beforehand?

an extra on Causality.

Causality or Casualty?

Okay...

II. GABBY

I just feel that she's the cause of this, and yet we don't have a picture of her- plus, to my knowledge, she's never been mentioned before. I think she could use some building up, and some screen time. Could you fit her in somewhere? A description of her or something, so that we can get a clearer picture.

III. SMELL

Now, I'm weird, because when people smell of drink, I always find it difficult to discern what's drink and what's perfume- lots of perfumes do have that alcoholly scent. But you can definitely smell if someone's drunk. So maybe she could first smell it, but disregard it, then realise? Or maybe not smell anything at first- but she definitely wouldn't notice any distinct perfume, like cinnamon. It's just a long nitpick...

IV. OVERALL

I'm liking that you're going to the flashback, really great. And exciting, after Chapter One. I enjoyed it!

Hope I helped, drop me a line if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hi! I enjoyed this part! That evil writers block *shakes fist angrily* I am suffering from it a bit at the moment myself Still this is a great piece to get out of it I agree with the comments Stella made but still have a few of my own to add too

My heels crunched on the gravel and I pulled my shawl closer for warmth.

It's not necessary but this sentence might sound better with something after 'closer' to say closer to what- like 'about my shoulders' or 'around me'.

I was never going to be an author if my stories stayed locked away on my computer forever.

I think this works OK but if I am being really picky, I think you could say something better as the 'locked' doesn't really fit in with the computer, it just sounded a bit odd to me. I'd maybe change it to either say something about it being locked away in her mind or sitting in a file unread on her computer or something like that

I breathed out sharply and watched as my warm breath mingled with the bitter night air.

I'm not sure about 'bitter' here, I wouldn't really describe night air as 'bitter', perhaps as you are talking about it being cold something like 'frosty' or 'chilling' would be more at place.

I unclasped my clutch bag and fumbled around inside. The string of lanterns above me shone a beam of light into my bag at the same moment that I felt my finger tips brush smooth cardboard. I withdrew my hand from the bag with a small cardboard box in its grasp. I flipped the lid of the box open and pulled out the last cigarette before I dropped the empty box back into my bag. I placed the cigarette between my lips. Now where did I put the lighter? I leant my bag on top of the wrought iron fence that lined the edge of the gravelled driveway. Cheers and laughter was still audible from the white marquee behind me, but I ignored it and tried to focus on my bag in front of me.

I know long quote sorry! I just wanted to get the whole paragraph as you say 'bag' quite a few times. At some points I think you can just leave it out as you have recently referred to it or I would try and work around mentioning it, like for the last sentence maybe saying you were focusing on finding the lighter instead of the bag. I would suggest replacing it with another word but I don't think there really is one that would work

I shook my bag with frustration, but I paused when I heard

I think this might run smoother without 'I' after 'but'.

“Need a light?” The voice pierced the night air.

Instead of the 'night air', maybe something about the quiet would be better like 'the nights silence' as that's what it is really doing

My stomach knotted and I leaned into the fence to stop myself from falling

You don't really need to but I was just wondering where the fence was in relation to where she is standing like in front or behind or at the side, I think you could maybe add something after 'leaned' to show what direction she is leaning in.

I took the cigarette from my mouth as he held his lighter out towards me.
“Thanks,” I mumbled as he lit my cigarette. I immediately turned away from him and took a drag from the cigarette.

You repeat cigarette here a few times and more afterwards, I think you can leave it out a couple of times so it is not repeated, like the last sentence here could be just 'took a drag from it' or 'and took a long drag' as the reader will already know what you are referring to.

“Not really my idea of a great night out either,“ he sighed, bringing my attention back to him.

Here it kind of sounds like she has said something about it not being a great night out but she hasn't yet so I'd maybe re word this a little. Something like 'This isn't really my idea of a great night out, you know.' could be better as he is introducing the topic.

“My agent insisted that I come here. There’s some big director here and since his last film went straight to number one, my agent figured it could do wonders for my career. So what brings you here?”

You repeat 'here' a few times, I'd maybe change it or leave it out once or twice, for instance in the first sentence you could just have it as 'My agent insisted that I come' or 'that I come to this party'.

Wow. His jaw line was so strong and masculine and…

I'm not sure but 'is' instead of 'was' might be better here as it is her thoughts at that time.

He was just a stereotypical teenage boy.

I kind of got confused about his age here, I'd always imagined him late twenties-ish, if he is just a teenager I'd maybe mention it earlier on but if you meant that he was similar to a teenage boy then maybe you could add 'like' or something like that after 'just' to make clear that he isn't actually a teenage boy, just acts like one

he drawled, the effect of the alcohol seeming to be suddenly present.

This sentence sounded a bit awkward, I'd reword it a bit. Maybe something like 'the effect of alcohol suddenly more apparent' or 'the effect of alcohol now clear'.

placing my head into my hands.

As you know I hate the word 'placing' maybe something like 'resting' or 'burying'?

Overall: I really enjoyed this part, I think it really helped fill in some gaps and give more background to the character along with who Gabby is and how she first met Chace, I look forward to reading more!

I think you have described all Sadie's thoughts and feelings brilliantly, I could really imagine what it would be like for her. I think Chace is described pretty well too, the only person left out is Gabby and I think you could maybe add more to the party before hand so we get a better picture of what she is like. There was the phone call in the last part and that she is a weather girl but not much else, I think if you just added a few more sentence perhaps on to how the party had been with her chatting easily with people as Sadie stood stiffly beside her. Or you could maybe have her arriving at the end instead to comfort her

That's all I could find! I'm so glad you are back writing this, all my comments are just suggestions and hope I've helped!

Hiya!

Some nit-picks that haven't been pointed out:

Now where did I put the lighter?

I think this would be better in italics, since it's more her thoughts.

She knows I only smoke when I’m stressed though and being in a room full of strangers is enough to make anyone stressed.

I think you should put commas around "though" or just delete it. The way it is now, the sentence is rather hard to read.

The smell of expensive perfume was overwhelming and it stung my nose. After a couple of moments though, the aroma of cinnamon perfume

I would mention that it's cinnamon perfume in the first line, then delete the mention in the second line. ^_^

was mingled with the smell of cigarette smoke and I watched out of the corner of my eye as a plume of smoke whirled in the still air.

I find "smoke" rather repetitive here. Try finding a synonym for the second mention. ^_^

My gaze was immediately pulled to the figure standing next to me though I wish it hadn’t been.

Comma after "me."

“The weather girl from channel seven?” He asked, suddenly sounding more interested.

I feel this line could have the tag put in front of the dialogue. ^_^

You're being pretty consistent with putting tags after the dialogue. I would play around with some of these lines to put more action and description in.

What?
“Excuse me?”

"What" and "excuse me" seem to contradict themselves here. I would delete "what" in this case. ^_^

about for the last four years. He was just a stereotypical teenage boy.

Two tings dealing with ages here. One, the point Pippie mentioned about how old Chace is. Two, the point of how old your MC is. Seventeen seems a bit young to be smoking in my opinion.

and I felt him step closer to me.

Felt or heard? ^_^

“What?” I stuttered,

I'd like to see that stutter, something along the liens of "w-what?"

swatting at his outstretched hand with my bag that I’d pulled quickly from its place atop the fence.

I think this is another location where the tag and dialogue should be switched. Right now, this tag is hard to read because it lacks tense. It is also rather long. I'd add some commas or break this up into two sentences. ^_^

“Being harassed is not a common wish,” I stuttered, taking another tense step backwards.

Again, I'd like to see some of that stuttering. Not enough that this is impossible to read, but some so that we know how to read the dialogue without the tag. ^_^

I felt let down.

I don't know how much I like this piece of prose. It's rather telling, if you get that. I would like it better if you told us how she felt down, instead of using a rather vague term for how she feels. You do a pretty good job of doing that after, so I would consider deleting this line.

Characters: So, after reading everything, I think you should emphasize on how much she doesn't like Chace and how big a blow it was to have him not be perfect. Since there isn't much emphasis on what he was like to her, it's hard to fully understand why she's taking it so hard. Or, hmm, maybe put more emphasis on how much she just wants Chace to leave her alone.

In short, something more to make her panic attack more feasible.

(This next bit is about the last segment, btw)- I find the mother could be a bit more forceful in stopping Sadie from going out. Like grabbing her. But, if her character doesn't do that, then don't change it. Just something to point out that I didn't find very real.

Overall: I think I covered most of what I found off with this chapter in my nit-picks and comments about the characters. You're pretty good with description, although I think you could add more smells and choice words. Like when talking about how disappointed she is, describe the bathroom in such a way that it lets us down too. Instead of just saying "the marble counter-top" you could say "the cold marble counter-top." That would emphasise how she feels. ^_^

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Hey Dudette,

Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this piece, but I've finally gotten around to it. As for your review on my piece, I'm extremely grateful for that, and as always, it was really helpful.

xDudettex wrote:The chorus of ‘happy birthday’ still rang in my ears as I left the marquee and entered the cold September night.

Great opening line.

My heels crunched on the gravel and I pulled my shawl closer for warmth.

Perhaps, "The gravel crunched beneath my heels, as I pulled my shawl closer to shield me from the cold."

Stupid party. I don’t even know why I had to come. It’s not like I actually know whose birthday it is or anything.

This persona of yours just keeps getting better and better.

‘No-one’s going to know who you are if you don’t show up to parties like this.’ Her words echoed at the back of my mind yet I heard them as clearly as if she were standing next to me, shouting through a loud speaker.

Perhaps, change "shouting through a loud speaker" to "as if she were yelling into my ear." This is not vital, but personally, I think this would give off a better effect.

So what? What if I didn’t want anyone to know who I was? But then I’d be lying to myself.

Perhaps, "But I knew I was lying to myself." You just thought that, you have already lied to yourself.

What’s the point in writing stories if no-one reads them? I was never going to be an author if my stories stayed locked away on my computer forever. Apparently there was some editing guy here that Gabby wanted me to meet with, but I’d escaped before she could return with him.

This is a really informative paragraph. It tells us so much about your character. There was, however, some editing guy here who Gabby wanted you to meet with.

I breathed out sharply and watched as my warm breath mingled with the bitter night air. It reminded me so much of smoke, the way that my breath whirled and danced until it disappeared with the cold. Smoke. That would help calm me down.

Chilling!

I unclasped my clutch bag and fumbled around inside.

I would nix the "clutch". You want us to feel a chilling effect, and too much description takes away from this effect. Also, weren't you too busy searching for the cigarettes to notice what kind of bag yours was?

The string of lanterns above me shone a beam of light into my bag at the same moment that I felt my finger tips brush smooth cardboard.

I wouldn't say it shone you a beam of light. I would think a more accurate description would be, "it illuminated your bag". Once again this is just a stylistic preference.

I leant my bag on top of the wrought iron fence that lined the edge of the gravelled driveway.

You leaned your bag. Also as far as I'm aware graveled is spelled with a single "l". But this might be a British/American thing.

I shook my bag with frustration, but I paused when I heard the sound of footsteps crunching on the gravel behind me.

You don't need all of the "I"s in this sentence. Also, You've repeated the "crunching gravel" combo over here.

Please don’t let it be Gabby. She’ll only go on about how smoking is bad for my health. She knows I only smoke when I’m stressed though and being in a room full of strangers is enough to make anyone stressed.

Are you so worried that it's Gabby? If you are, is it because she's going to go on about how bad smoking is for your health? I would think it would be more likely that it would be because she's going to make you feel worse. Perhaps this was just me, but I found this a little unbecoming of your Persona's character.

I shook my bag once more, hearing my keys jingle, before I felt someone come to a halt beside me.

Why didn't you turn around to see who it was before this? Also, how did you feel him stop? Did he touch you? If it was an innate feeling, tell us this. We need to know as the sentence reads a little awkward without you expounding a little more on it.

The smell of expensive perfume was overwhelming and it stung my nose. After a couple of moments though, the aroma of cinnamon perfume was mingled with the smell of cigarette smoke and I watched out of the corner of my eye as a plume of smoke whirled in the still air. I tried to ignore the figure next to me and went back to routing around in my handbag.

Why did you try to ignore him at this point. Did you already know who he was? If so, tell us this. If not, explain your intention. Alternatively, you could cut that you tried to ignore him out of the piece completely.

“Need a light?” The voice pierced the night air.

Perhaps, "The voice pierced the thick cold of the night air." For something to pierce something else, it must have a little resistance. Explain why it needed to pierce the night air.

Oh my gosh. I can’t believe this is happening to me. I’m having a cigarette with Chace Milligan. The Chace Milligan. The same Chace Milligan that I have had a huge crush on since I was thirteen. The same guy that I have pictures of plastered all over my bedroom walls. I can’t believe it!

Interesting. I think this would fit a little better above. As soon as you recognize him. The delayed reaction doesn't give such a great effect.

“So you are?”

Comma after "so".

I coughed. Half with surprise that he was still choosing to talk to me and half from the cigarette smoke that was filling my lungs for the first time in two months.

I would switch around the two halves. You want to end with the less obvious one.

"She’s got a nice pair on her, hasn’t she.”

Great flip of the switch!

“Don’t lie,” he grinned, flashing his perfectly white teeth. “I bet you wouldn’t say no if you were a lesbian.”

She didn't lie. She merely said, "excuse me." I would simply cut out the "don't lie."

He was just a stereotypical teenage boy.

Instead of saying it so mildly, pour your anger into this. He was a rude, good-for-nothing immature teenage boy!

“What?” I stuttered, stepping backwards as he leered at me. That’s when I smelt it. The stale stench of alcohol on his breath was enough to make me drop my cigarette to the floor so that I could cover my face with both hands.

Excellent. You have us just as disgusted as you want us!

“Come on babes,” he drawled, the effect of the alcohol seeming to be suddenly present.

Try, "the affect of the alcohol suddenly obvious.

“Oh come on,” he jeered. “Any girl would kill to be in your position right now.”

Make the dialogue more emotive. Perhaps, "Any sane girl would kill to be in your position right now." Make us hate him. Show him how much your character is loathing him now.

“Babes,” he said, “don’t be stupid.” His hair suddenly seemed less perfect and his eyes no longer twinkled.
“I said get away,” I spat, as I decided to make a run for it back towards the marquee.
“Babes!” He yelled, but I wasn’t stopping.

Magically enchanting dialogue!

I didn’t stop when my heels switched from crunching on the gravel to clicking on the linoleum.

Once again, you've got that crunching gravel combo going. It's one of those things that you can't really use three times in half a chapter.

I only stopped once I had reached the safe haven of the girls toilets at the entrance to the grand estate the party was being held at.

Kill the "the party was being held at". We don't need it, and it is clumsy. You only need to tell us if it's at a different location to where the party is held at.

I was on a game show and Chace was only pretending to be a disrespectful prat. Someone had spiked his drink with some kind of rudeness drug. The real Chace had been abducted by aliens and the Chace I’d just spoken to was an alien clone. Chace had an evil twin? All stupid, made-up lies to stop myself from believing the truth.

Once again, great!

Why did I have to come to this stupid party in the first place? If I hadn’t have come then I’d still believe in the Chace Milligan that I’ve obsessed about ever since I first saw him as an extra on Causality.

Don't write the second part. "Why did I have to come to this stupid party in the first place?", is emotive enough to describe your feelings.

I felt let down. Something that I’d been so sure of had turned out to be false. A lie. A stupid, believable lie. I could almost feel my heart breaking. Chace wasn’t the loving, caring, polite, considerate, one hundred percent good guy that the media had painted him out to be after all.

Great ending to a great chapter.

Overall:
Description: You describe feelings remarkably well. We might want to know a little bit more about the scenery, though. Also, there are a couple of times where you describe things that your main character wouldn't notice. You need to be careful with this. On the whole though, it's great.

Characters: You've let us into the mind of your main character, and she's perfectly believable. You've also given Chace a great character, so well done on that as well. I would like a little more characterization on Gabby. I'm finding her a little too cliche. A little too unbelievable.

Dialogue: Once again, for the most part, this is great. Do try to show as much emotion in your dialogue as you possibly can, though.

Prose: There are times that I feel you get a little long winded, and it turns almost purple. You can alter this by trying to be a little more concise, and being as brief and to the point as you can, unless you specifically need the long windedness.

Summary: This is a great addition. It sends chills down my back. It's getting stronger and stronger, and if you carry on like this, you'll have a great story. As for my reviews, I think they're getting shorter and shorter.

Have a good one!

Hey, thanks for the PM. Sorry, I didn't get to this. I was on vacation. I thought I'd just tell you I really liked this part and it cleared up a lot. I was wondering why she was so freaked out by Chace and now I get it. Nice attention to detail. Great job!

So, this is where it really starts to get interesting. One thing I would change is the strange way this line is worded:
Good job I’m not a regular smoker.
It could be just because I'm from America, but the wording is awkward.
Good Job!