Struck Sightless- prologue

pronunciation guide:
Girl=Tuli= Toolie
Boy=Seacus= See cus


Struck Sightless
“How” Tuli innocently asks. She of all people has to be the one to ask the question that I have been avoiding for five years.
I lower my gaze. I know the action is useless, but it is a habit that I have not yet gotten out of. I desperately want to let my story flow out of my lips. I want another to share the burden. I have kept it in so long it has become a part of me, a part of me that is meant for me.
I decide to go with the first alternative.
“From the beginning?” My voice is barely audible.
“The very beginning.”
“It is pretty long.” I know that I will not be able to avoid the question this time.
“Then I suggest you begin.” She prods.
I take a deep breath in attempt to steady myself, and against all instincts I begin. “I was ten. My friends and I were out in the fields playing blind mans bluff.” My words are choppy and do not flow smoothly as they are extracted like a sliver. “It was my turn to be it. My friend Moore tied the scrap of cloth around my eyes. The pressure was somewhat comfortable.


“He ran back to the others leaving me alone. To face my number one fear, loneliness. I started to wander toward the footsteps and occasional giggles. Soon they became fewer, then none came at all. All I could hear was the dry grass beating against my legs. I think I knew that I was going the wrong direction. My legs would not stop moving, as if some invisible force was pulling me forward with its claws outstretched.
“Soon I found the will power to slow myself to a stop, and subconsciously I took the cloth off of my eyes. The scene around me is unwanted, but not unexpected. The endless grassy void stretches for miles. Broken only by a small maple that is a few paces away. Wandering around aimlessly could prove fatal so I decided to walk over and rest beneath its shade.
“The next thing I knew a clap of thunder was pounding on my eardrums. I darted out from under the tree to look up at the sky. To my amazement it was cloudless. The stars blinked in and out of existence as the lightning clawed their way to the earth. I stood there paralyzed, a few feet from the tree just starring at the dotted sky; counting elephants.
“Soon there was no seconds between the flash and the drums. I knew that the storm was near, but too ignorant to notice that it was directly overhead. Far too ignorant to notice the branch that was barley brushing my head.
“With a deafening roar the beast pounced, coming in for the kill. The Blue claws deposited themselves into the tree with a hiss of satisfaction.
“Beautiful, indescribable colors danced and molded together giving my eyes quite a show. They did not seem to understand that when you close your eyes the light is supposed to disappear. No mater how much I blinked they would not leave me.
“In my confusion I did not notice the heat that was engulfing my body. Once I did however, I began to blindly stumble away from the source. Falling and tripping I ran, desperate for the cool night air that I knew was just outside of my grasp. I soon found it.”

The memory is so intense it is leaving me sweating, but I know I must continue. “The thing that slowed me is probably the reason that I am alive today. I heard someone calling my name ‘Seacus, Seacus is that you?’ I later found that it was your grandma. At the time I did not have the sense to call back. Luckily she found me, as soon as she did I collapsed.
“Two days later I awoke in a world of darkness. The doctor told me that I am lucky to be alive. He also explained to me what happened that night, the lightning struck the tree and somehow blinded me. Not knowing how or why he guessed that it is permanent. What I felt was fire and I am moderately burned. Since there was nothing else he could do for me he let Ember take me home.
“For weeks afterward I stayed within my house, refusing to be acknowledge the outside world that is no longer mine to see. Only to be seen. I am now more lonely than ever, wallowing in my own fear and pity.
“I planned to spend the rest of my life within the walls of my house, avoiding
everything else. Ember on the other hand had different ideas. I ended up going back to school. Whenever I was in public I could feel the glances drilling into my back, creating unforgettable wounds both physically and mentally.
“There is no escape, not even in my dreams. The last colorful dream I had was under the tree. It was of Ember and I, before Mom and Dad died. We were playing in the forest by our old house. I shall cherish it forever.
“I have lost so much, and yet gained so little. That is my story.”
However there are some secrets that I am not ready to part with. For instance, I shall not let on that I have gained far more than one would think.

Wow!


Thats is very describtive and gives


a GREAT picture in my head!!



The way you described the colours she saw



and the fire burning her was Great


Well done


Borntoshop.

Grammar

I'm assuming you're doing present tense, since that is what the majority of this story is in. During the dialogue, it looks like you're using past tense, but a few times you switch to present tense. Switching tenses makes things seem unprofessional and hard for the reader to, well, read. Sometimes it's wanted, but others, it's not. I'll point out the times when it's not:

The scene around me is unwanted, but not unexpected. The endless grassy void stretches for miles. Broken only by a small maple that is a few paces away. Wandering around aimlessly could prove fatal

Soon there was no seconds between the flash and the drums.

What I felt was fire and I am moderately burned.

Nit-picks

counting elephants.

Elephants? Where?? Augh! Dancing pink elephants are sprouting wings and taking over the cloudless sky! Noooooo!!!



Haha, ahem, in all seriousness, I honestly don't know why Seacus would be counting elephants in what seems like Western civilization. Unless this isn't the West, though it sure as heck seems like it.

Plot

However there are some secrets that I am not ready to part with. For instance, I shall not let on that I have gained far more than one would think.

This seems more like a prologue than a first chapter, although that may have been what you were going for. And that last line makes you want to continue to read the story! I'm anxious! If this is a stand alone piece, I'll finish it myself just so we can see what happens!

Description

The description is amazing! You just show the reader a movie with only words. It forms a perfect picture in your mind, and is really exciting. I'm sorry, I can't comment on things that are great without going on and on, I'm better at pointing out confusing things and grammar things


Overall

I like how this is in present tense; not many stories are like that. You're kept on the edge of your seat every ten seconds.




I apollogize for such a short review, but this was too good! Oh, and these are just suggestions. Ignore them if you are so inclined.

Hope I could help!
-Tex

Hi Poem Person! June here!

I'm so sorry it took me ages to get to this. Ugh, physics homework had to be finished before I could review again, so! This is much overdue. And, for the delay, I owe you 2 reviews on anything of your choice, dear. Just PM me with what you need reviewed .

Let's begin!


I like your opening alot. Instead of giving us the whole boring descriptive or "once-upon-a-time" traditional opening, you begin with dialogue, which is fantastic.

However! Punctuation is important, dearie .

“How” Tuli innocently asks.

You need to put a question mark inside of the quotation mark, dear. See, you could leave it off if you were doing it like this:

"How," Tuli innocently asks, "How do you do it?"

See? The only situation when you don't want to use a question mark right after How is where you have a dialogue tag interrupting the dialogue, understand dear?

The scene around me is unwanted,

See that is? It should be was, dear, since you're speaking in past tense . Keep an eye on this; as Texan Writer pointed out, you switch tenses a lot.

“Soon there was no seconds between the flash and the drums.

was should be were .

Far too ignorant to notice the branch that was barley brushing my head.

barley should be barely, dearie. We're not talking about food/grain here.

“I planned to spend the rest of my life within the walls of my house, avoiding

everything else. Ember on the other hand had different ideas. I ended up going back to school. Whenever I was in public I could feel the glances drilling into my back, creating unforgettable wounds both physically and mentally.

Eek! Kill that unnecessary line break there, dear .


*

So!

Your description was absolutely brilliant. Everything was described crystal-clearly, and the pictures you created for us were absolutely brilliant, dear.

However, does this sound accurate to you? (I'm not criticizing your character, dear) Think about if this were you. Would you describe an incident with this much description? I'm not saying that it's no good to do this, but from myself, when I talk about incidents I try to be as brief as possible, using very little (if any) description.

But, this is up to you! I'm sure that this has something to do with Seacus' character development, Aye?

I enjoy how you've spoken in present tense throughout this piece, dear. It's making this rather lively, rather relative to the audience and making it easier for us to read. Brilliant job with that .

Lastly! This was an amazing start; I'm pretty confident that this will turn out to be a great story, dear.

One favor though, May you PM me when you have the next part, please?

June

Well done

Hey PoemPerson! Here as requested. Thanks for using my thread. ^_^

So. Like, wow. This was really good. I could find nothing glaring to point out, but I'll link you to a grammar tutorial just so that you can make sure about your Punctuation within Dialogue.

Present -vs- Past

Okay, so. This proluge-ish thing is written in present tense, which is totally fine. Great, actually, because I think it gives the actions a nice effect. However, I don't really think the best way to execute the dialogue is to use that same present tense. Think about it; when telling a story orally, you don't really use present tense. It's a memory, so, yeah, this boy is recalling the event, but he's not technically reliving it. Dialgoue, especially long stories, are normally told in past, and I think you'd do best to do that also, and change all of your 'is' and 'am' to 'was'and 'were'. Such changes.

Description

So, I'm torn. Because you have these chunks of absolutely glorious description, and it sets the scene perfectly. Sets the memory perfectly, I should say. Because that's what it is-- a memory, told by a survivor. But, I'm going to echo what June said: is this natural?

Seacus would have to be incredibly mature and well-educated to be able to tell this story, complete with all of this description and analogies, at the drop of a hat. It's all nice and good if that is the case, but you're going to have to keep that up the entire story if that's how you've chosen to characterize him. Which could prove quite difficult, I'm warning you.

I know that when I tell a story, especially a story that is painful for me to relive, a story that I have been avoiding for five years, I wouldn't dwell on every detail. For Seacus to do this-- spin this eloquent and captivating tale of what is probably the worst day of his life --is quite impressive, and something that won't go overlooked. Part of me would hate to see you take any of it out or tone it done, but another part of me is arguing that the believability of your character is weakened by all of this description.

So. You'll need to decide: edit this section so that it's a bit more natural, or make that maturity and eloquence part of Seacus's personality for the entire story.

*nods*



Actions behind words.

I can't imagine this blind guy standing there with this Tuli girl, just monotonously telling his tragic story. With the part about the beast I see him jumping up in his adrenaline, his fingers forming clams to imitate the lightning. I see his fists clenching, his eyes closing, his voice breaking, his volume decresing to almost inaudible. This is a horrible memory that he's recalling, and there would be a lot of emotion behind his words, and a lot of action as he tells the story.

Does he blame his friends?

This is something I immediately want to know. You mention Moore; is he furious that they let him drift off in the storm, that they didn't go to find them, that they left him to have his sight stripped from him forever? Surely there's some amount of anger, some amount of blame, to go along with that. And then, you have to believe that his friends are guilty.

Yes? So, I think this was wonderful, despite some realistic issues that I'm sure you can resolve. Post in my thread again when the next part is up; I'd love to critique it as well!

~Evi

Thank You for all of the great reviews!
I love how you mentioned that the story was a little too descriptive, because that is Seacus's talent. It turns out that this is not a prologue, but a piece out of the middle of my book that i am writing with Peanutgallery007, so both of us will be posting pieces out of our book.

Thanks!

Hey ima

I'm here like you asked to look over your story! Here it goes!

I desperately want to let my story flow out of my lips. - The repetition of 'my' annoys me in this sentence. It kind of distracts me and pulls me out of the story when there is a lot of repitition. You could try something simple like - I desperately want to let the story flow out of my lips.

I have kept it in so long it has become a part of me, a part of me that is meant for me. - Here again is a lot of repitition and once more it's kind of distracting. You could try something like - I have kept it in so long it has become part of my being, a part of myself that is meant only for me. - Just switching up the words a little can make a massive difference

“It is pretty long.” I know that I will not be able to avoid the question this time. - I always tell people that you should consider, when writing dialogue, that people in real life don't talk in perfect english all the time. You can make dialogue feel a lot more natural and flow better if you read it out loud and ask yourself whether someone would really say this. Here I would merely change it to - It's pretty long - It just kind of feels more natural.

“Then I suggest you begin.” She prods. - prods? Lol I got this image of her just jabbing him in the side with her finger. Perhaps probes would be better or pushed. Unless you wanted her to jab him :p

For weeks afterward I stayed within my house, refusing to be acknowledge the outside world that is no longer mine to see. - I think it should be - refusing to acknowledge the outside world - just take the 'be' out.

I think you had a couple of problems with your tenses. They seemed to keep switching but I am no expert so I won't try and point them out lol

I think that the chunks of dialogue are a bit too much and very descriptive. Perhaps if you just chop them up with some action in the room, perhaps he can pace, or hesitates when he is telling her (He does seem pretty hesitant at the start). Perhaps she interrupts or he pauses because it's upsetting him to remember. It seems to be a painful memory for him. Just kind of put those sort of human reactions in and it probably won't seem like such a huge and daunting section of dialogue. Also remember what I said about natural and believeable dialogue. Read it out to yourself and just ask yourself whether someone would actually talk like that or if he talks that way because it is a certain character trait. It is important to know how your character speaks.

I would like you to keep writing this piece. It seems very interesting and you had that hook that you need at the beginning of the story. You definitely drew me in and I want to get to know Seacus better. Your characterisation of him is pretty good, I can sort of seem him in my head. This intimate insight we get into his mind from the beginning is very interesting and drew me in to how he perceives the world. It's good to be able to connect that way with main characters

So there you go lol PM me if you have any questions or want any help.

Bex x

Hey, there! I'm Jared.

As countless others have said before, you can really write. I don't say this to everyone, and when I do, it should be taken seriously. You shouldn't let a talent like this go to waste. I can see your name on a Bestseller book. You have Star Quality written over your forehead.

But there is a time when you must decide whether to choose one thing or another. First, I loved your opening, with the dialog. It really draws us into the scene and captivates us. On the other hand, when he begins telling his story, it becomes totally unrealistic, because on one can speak like that. No one tells these beatiful passages in their speech. No one can describe like that when they are merely recounting a story.

This is your choice.

Either stick with the dialog opening, and rewrite the entire story that the boy tells, or cut the dialog and start with the story. Either way is bound to be good, but I think the second option will be better, because you are a fantastic story teller. So, what I'm recommending you to do is rewrite this whole thing, using your amazing writing abilities, and don't start off with, "So what happened?". Really. This will make your story a heck of a lot better.

-Jared

I LOVE this. One nitpic. You said the words are choppy and do not flow smoothly but they in fact did. the story that was being told ebgulfed my vision and i saw it all. from begining to end. keep working!