Plain Jane [Prologue]

I had this dream. I was on my bike, just pedaling, frantically looking for something. I don't remember what it was. Maybe I didn't even know what I was looking for.

All the streets, I knew them. They looked so, so familiar, but I was starting to panic. I knew this place, but it was so... different in this dream. Almost like I didn't know it.

There were trees; tons of them. And the roads were left unpaved and scattered with stray leaves, so unlike how I remembered it. There were no cars, no street signs, no houses, no forms of human life, or any sort of life for that matter.

I became exceedingly more frantic, searching for anything to comfort me, to tell me I wasn't alone.

The funny thing about the whole thing, though, is that the dream was completely in black and white, like those old films at the drive-in theaters. Except for me. I was the only thing containing any color whatsoever. The leaves that had so often changed colors according to season now only contained various bleak shades of black and white.

I can only imagine where every other person on Earth was and what could've possibly been running through their minds. And, all at once, my bike screeched to a halt. Almost as if against my will, I hopped off and looked around.

I didn't see anyone. Was this some kind of sick joke? Was I being punked?

I screamed, "Okay guys! You've gone way overboard with the pranks this time! You can come out now!" Somehow, I secretly knew no one was coming out of hiding this time.

No one came out from behind the trees, or came running around the corner screaming, "Gotcha', loser!"

And then, I really realized that there was no way this was a prank. There was no way they could pull off something like this.

So... what was I supposed to do?

As if by instinct, I checked my pockets. I had a few dollars, a piece of gum, and... my cell phone!

I flipped open my cell phone and went to my contacts list. There were no names or numbers in it. Well, just one.

Becca.

My first thought was: Huh?

And my second thought: Becca's been dead for two years...

Out of curiosity, I called the number. I hesitantly lifted the phone to my ear as I waited for, well, I don't know what I thought I was going to hear.

But someone picked up. After the sixth ring, someone said, "Hello?"

It was Becca.

I couldn't find the words. My face went numb. My mouth became dry. I couldn't process what was happening.

"Hell-oooo?" she spoke again.

I didn't want her to hang up. I finally found my voice and managed to stammer out, in a low whisper: "Hello?"

"Who is this?"

For some reason, I debated with myself for a few seconds, wondering if I should tell her that it's me. Her best friend. The girl she loved like a sister, loved enough to die for.

I answered, "It's me. Kelsey."

There was a long gap of silence. Then, something that sounded like a sob being held back.

She began to speak again, but all I hear was, "I am---", before the call was dropped.

"UGH! Work, you piece of crap!" I ran around screaming and cursing, looking for a signal. I couldn't find one anywhere.

After about an hour of running around unnamed streets, I came to a stop in the middle of the dirt road, screamed to the sky, and threw my phone at a tree to the side of the road.

To my surprise, it shattered as if it were as delicate as glass. Had I not been having a crisis, I would've been fascinated.

But I was too frustrated and tired to care.

Uncaring of anything anymore, I laid down in the middle of the road, spread out my arms, and fell asleep.

Hmmm. This sounds like it will turn into a really good story.
I liked how you put that the Becca girl was dead, and then all of a sudden she answered the phone. I was like....what?

And then I reminded myself it was a dream.

My only advice would be to add a little more detail, on how things looked, sounded, how your character felt. It makes you more connected to the story.

Good start!!! =]

:] Thanks.

Monkiiiiiii! It's June here!

Now, I don't think I've reviewed much of anything by you, and if I have, it was probably poetry? Anyway! Let's tear this up!

All the streets, I knew them.

•Should this be "All of the streets..."

They looked so, so familiar,

Now, I know, if someone was speaking, they would use "so" consecutively like this, but I'm not so sure it's doing much good here, dear. It's fine if you keep it, but it just stumbled a little.

[s]So...[/s] what was I supposed to do?

Ask yourself is using "So" is really necessary?

Had I not been having a crisis

I believe this should be, "Had I not been in a crisis..."

*

Monki, you made it sound like your writing was going to be this horrible, cliche, nonsensical piece with atrocious spelling and all sorts of horrible stuff, but it's not!

You're of to a good start here, dear. A fabulous start, at that. I really don't have anything to point out or suggest to change (making this a pretty weak review xD) but, I think this is great, Monki . Very well written-- you've defined the MC's point of view very clearly-- especially for a prologue.

Keep it up! I plan to follow along with this and make sure you keep it up!


June

Great work, though try to be more involved in your work. It is as if you are detatched, outside of your work. Put your heart and soul into writing and it will seem more vibrant.

I must agree with girlwithquestions here. The story needs a bit more detail to make it seem more realistic. It might also help to give a sense of verisimilitude (the ability to make a work seem more real and true), such as adding a location(where is the setting?) or even a familiar shop or something(McDonalds, etc).

It sounds nice and mysterious. I'm looking forward, as a hardcore writer and reader(though fairly new to this site), to see the next part.

Juniper! (I've always wanted to call you that...) Thanks for reviewing as you said you would. :] No! You're going to follow along and... *gasp* make sure I continue this? I never continue. It's kind of a hobby of mine. Writing stuff and never finishing them. xD (Although I'd love it if I could finish something for once.) <3 Thank you for the review.

Dallas > Thank you so much for the review. :] Ha ha. I'm not so good with detail, but I guess that's my weakness as a writer. I'll work on it and once I edit this/put another part up, I'll let you know, if you want.

Thanks, everybody, for the reviews. :] I didn't really think I'd get any...

Hell, Monkey, you write well. I really don't think you need much help with this piece, as I found it to be remarkable, intriguing, and any other positive compliment you might want to add.

There's only one nitpick that I must add to Springrains':

She began to speak again, but all I hear was, "I am---", before the call was dropped.

I believe that you meant "heard" in the past tense. Alternatively, I don't think it would look too bad in this context if you changed the "was" to "is" in this case. If you did this you could leave the "hear" alone, and I don't think the change of tense would be too problematic here.

Also, maybe this:

To my surprise, it shattered as if it were as delicate as glass.

would look better if it said: "It shattered as if it were a delicate glass."

There really isn't much else even remotely problematic here. Well done, and I believe a star is in order.

Hey Monki

I had this dream. I was on my bike, just pedaling, frantically looking for something. I don't remember what it was. Maybe I didn't even know what I was looking for. I love dreams for this reason. They can be such trivial things, yet they carry within them deep meaning. You incorprate the two of them in this sentence brilliantly I love this as an opener, mainly due to the trivial/ philosophical balance of the sentence.


All the streets, I knew them. They looked [s]so, so[/s] You don't really need either of these sos, but you could use one if you want, just be careful not to make the sentence redundant familiar, but I was starting to panic. I knew this place, but it was so... different in this dream. Almost like I didn't know it.


There were trees; tons of them. And the roads were left unpaved and scattered with stray[s]s[/s]No need for stray to be plural, unless you're using it as a verb even then it's not plural though, it's just got an s on the end, lol. leaves, [s]so[/s]No need for that so again! unlike how I remembered it. There were no cars, no street signs, no houses, no forms of human life, or any sort of life for that matter.


I became exceedingly more frantic Erm... too many words methinks , searching for anything to comfort me, to tell me I wasn't alone.


The funny thing about the whole thing, though, is that the dream was completely in black and white, like those old films at the drive-in theaters. Except for me. I was the only thing containing any color whatsoever. The leaves that had so often changed colors according to season now only contained various bleak shades of black and white. I love the idea to make you colourful, and everywhere else black and white, it portrays both what the narrator believes of herself and what the world believes of her, if you get what I mean, lol.


I can only imagine where every other person on Earth was and what could've possibly been running through their minds. And, all at once, my bike screeched to a halt. Almost as if against my will, I hopped off and looked around.


I didn't see anyone. Was this some kind of sick joke? Was I being punked?


I screamed, "Okay guys! You've gone way overboard with the pranks this time! You can come out now!" Somehow, I secretly knew no one was coming out of hiding this time.


No one came out from behind the trees, or came running around the corner screaming, "Gotcha', loser!"


And then, I really realized that there was no way this was a prank. There was no way they could pull off something like this.


So... what was I supposed to do?


As if by instinct, I checked my pockets. I had a few dollars, a piece of gum, and... my cell phone!


I flipped open my cell phone and went to my contacts list. There were no names or numbers in it. Well, just one.


Becca.


My first thought was: Huh?


And my second thought: Becca's been dead for two years...


Out of curiosity, I called the number. I hesitantly lifted the phone to my ear as I waited for, well, I don't know what I thought I was going to hear.


But someone picked up. After the sixth ring, someone said, "Hello?"


It was Becca.


I couldn't find the words. My face went numb. My mouth became dry. I couldn't process what was happening.


"Hell-oooo?" she spoke again.


I didn't want her to hang up. I finally found my voice and managed to stammer out, in a low whisper: "Hello?"


"Who is this?"


For some reason, I debated with myself for a few seconds, wondering if I should tell her that it's me. Her best friend. The girl she loved like a sister, loved enough to die for.


I answered, "It's me. Kelsey."


There was a long gap of silence. Then, something that sounded like a sob being held back.


She began to speak again, but all I hear was, "I am---", before the call was dropped.


"FUCK! God dammit! Work, you fucking piece of shit!"Ha! A little too much swearing? I ran around screaming and cursing, looking for a signal. I couldn't find one anywhere.


After about an hour of running around unnamed streets, I came to a stop in the middle of the dirt road, screamed to the sky, and threw my phone at a tree to the side of the road.


To my surprise, it shattered as if it were as delicate as glass. Had I not been having a crisis, I would've been fascinated.


But I was too frustrated and tired to care.


Uncaring of anything anymore, I laid down in the middle of the road, spread out my arms, and fell asleep.

I really enjoyed this, Monki. I love the idea of writing the prologue as a dream. It means you can incorprate the surface and deeper meaning, we can also ponder how the dream reflects her real life &c. Very interesting I'm not normally a fan of the really personal way of writing you use in this piece, yet I think it works for you. For some reason this piece sounds to me as though it's in a documentary. That probably sounds really weird, but I can imagine someone saying this, in an interview on a documentary. Really, I am sane. I think. I really enjoyed this
~Kirsten

Hey, Monki!

I had this dream. I was on my bike, just pedaling, frantically looking for something. I don't remember what it was. Maybe I didn't even know what I was looking for.

I suggest you rewrite: "I was having a dream [or this dream, whatever sounds better to you]. I was driving my bike, just pedaling, frantically looking for something. I don't remember what it was. I'm not even sure whether I even knew what it was."
At this point, what you have sounds a little choppy, and I know that my suggestion does, too, but I think it sort of fits in the atmosphere of a dream.

I knew this place, but it was so... different in this dream. Almost like I didn't know it.

I think it would read better if you added 'after all' after that last sentence.

There were trees; tons of them. And the roads were left unpaved and scattered with strays leaves, so unlike how I remembered it. There were no cars, no street signs, no houses, no forms of human life, or any sort of life for that matter.

I don't think 'tons of' is the best word to describe trees, but it will do if you want to it to be. Do you mean 'stray leaves', by the way? And 'unlike how I remembered'... hmm... what about 'so different from how I remembered it'? And the last comma should be ditched. Oh gosh, I feel so nit-picky, sorry.

wondering if I should tell her that it's me.

This is somewhat awkward, better rephrase.

After about an hour of running around unnamed streets, I came to a stop in the middle of the dirt road, screamed to the sky, and threw my phone at a tree to the side of the road.

To me, it doesn't seem quite right that she would be running around for a whole hour. It's a long time – of course, we must remind ourselves that it's a dream we're talking about. Then again, for a dream it would seem more real if you wrote something like 'After an unidentified amount of time'

Uncaring

Hmm. Reconsider the word choice.


I enjoyed this piece. It was interesting and kept me on the edge, wanting to read more. The ending was clever, I think – a bit of a cliffhanger as well. Though it seems funny (but in a good way!) that she fell asleep in a dream! I love dream worlds – anything can happen there. Only thing that I would've maybe changed (apart from those nitpicks) was the lack of information about 'them', who she talked to and thought they were pranking her. Just tell a bit more about who they are.

And I really hope you will continue writing this! Let me know when you do (and I say when, because I really want you to), will you? I would very much like to read more.

See you around, and hope this was helpful!

Demeter
xxx

Yea Melissa nice story! She is my aiater she is the most awesomest eva! No cuss words aloud!