Life, Love, and Chocolate (Ch.2)

Chapter 2: Maple Syrup and Voltswagens
"Love is the greatest revenge ~ Tremelo
When I came to, the first thing I saw wre Clay's eyes, gazing at me with what could only be described as mindless worry.
"Um, what happened?" I asked.
With relief and amusement combined in his eyes, he replied "What do you think? You passed out!"
"I know but why?"
"I don't know! I'm not a biologist!!"
We stared at each other for a moment, then burst out laughing. Then, a worrisome thought struck me...
"Oh no! The car! Oh my god what happened to the car? I need that car! I loved that car!" I started yelling hysterically, until he clamped a hand over my mouth.
"I love how you ask about my car before you ask about me!"
Mortified, I stared and then burst into another round of hysteria.
"I'm sorry! How are you? Are you okay? Did you break anything? Are we dead?"
Clay gave an amused chuckle before launching into an explanation.
"We hit one of the trees and you passed out. We're both fine. The car is a little dented but otherwise okay. Luckily we're both not dead!"
I blinked at him once then luurched forward and wrapped my arms around him.
"Praise the lord, you're okay!!!"
His arms twined around my waist, immersing me in the familiar smell of maple syrup.
"I'm glad you're fine too," he whispered softly in my ear.
We stayed there for a minute, his emerald eyes piercing my hazel ones.
"This is why..." he murmured before stopping at staring and staring at me, horrified.
I gazed at him questioningly. "Clay, what do you mean?" I asked
Just as he was about to speak my cell rang out singing my favorite Taylor Swift song :
"But she wears short skirts,
I wear t-shirts,
She's cheer captain,
And I'm on the bleachers,
Dreaming about the day,
When you wake up and find,
What you're looking for,
Has been here the whole time."
I checked the Caller ID and, with a smirk, put it on speaker phone. Erin's voice screamed at me :
"Where are you? Why haven't you been picking up? I left 18 voicemails!!!"
"I'm sorry, apparently I was busy having a near-death experience!"
"Oh god, Rach! Are you okay? Is Clay okay? Did you tell him you love him?"
I stared at my phone, utterly shocked by my best friend's word-vomit.
"Um, Erin, I'm going to have to get back to you on that."
I quickly hung up on her but seemed unable to tear my eyes away from the phone, my emotions ranging from bursting into tears and laughing hysterically.
My face turned a new shade of tomato red as I wondered if I would ever be able to face Clay again.

Wow, Twin, awesome! Didn't see any grammar mistakes so that's good.

It seems really short though. A lot shorter than when we hand-wrote it. But that's probably because I write big.

Anyways, love ya Twin and always remember to give me half the credit for this. After all, I did write the short that sparked the collab (*winkwink* like you'd ever forget).

Not bad. Really short though, rather pointless in a way. I mean, they get in a car crash, she's embarrassed. The end. Um, OK, now what? I would suggest combining chapters or something. Sacrifice the cliffhanger for the sake of the flow. Also, the ending didn't really make sense. She's standing right next to him, so the "face him again" thing doesn't seem to work. Also, I don't know how you guys changed things around, but I liked what you originally showed me better.

A few little things though:

When I came to,

This doesn't really make sense to me. I don't know if you forgot a word or what.

then luurched forward

Tsk tsk. Silly typo that you know how to fix.

Anyway, uh, adios.

Im sorry but the part were her friend spills the beans about her loving him, that part is hilarious. Partly because i can totaly relate and partly just because its funny I liked it alot...keep up the good work, ill be waiting for more.

thedelphinater wrote: Also, I don't know how you guys changed things around, but I liked what you originally showed me better.

Actually, so do I, but that's probably just because I wrote it. xD
But I feel like we've changed her original personality too much.
I mean Twin, remember in the short she was all thoughtful and pretty much inside her own head? I feel like we've sacrificed that for the humor.
Plus, I was reading the whole thing over, and it's actually very repetetive and full of cliches. BUT! I read that first drafts actually should be ridiculously horrid (okay, that's hyperbole, but you know what I mean).
I say we finish the whole thing before doing a serious rewrite. And I think we're speeding it up way too fast. Like Erin shouldn't do it over the phone. It'd be way funnier in person.

Again, I'm high on soda. Don't mind me.

Yeah, twin I think you're right. We should slow down and add more details. But I like that Erin spills the beans over the phone. It seems to make more sense...but I like this version waaayyyyyy better than your short. Sorry twinnn xD

Hey Flutey! You ask me to review, so here I am. ^_^

Okay, a couple of things.

I thought the grammar was really good, so good job with that, darling.

This is actually flowing nicely, but it would help with more emotion and description. You give us a little bit, but more would be great!

Emotion and Description Like, all we know is that they crashed. Where did they crash? Was her pants dirty? More description on where they are? They could be in the forest or in the city! We can see the two of them together and a dented Volkswagon bug, but not the area around it!

And we only know a little bit on how the characters are feeling by the dialouge. And we know that the MC is starting to act crazy after the crash. But was Clay blushing at all? Was he smiling? Use some of that description so we can know more about how the characters are feeling?

Other bits and thingys I love the song pick. I love how it fits right in with the story as well. Plus, it's a good song.

And the part when her best friend calls is hiliarious. I love it. Way to pick that one.

I'm about to read the next part! Good job! ^_^

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments, dear.

*Lin