This Christmas, let's end our lives. Part 1

“My life is over,” Cheryl wailed, tears streaming down her rosy cheeks. Being dumped by her boyfriend of three years for her best friend just before Christmas wasn’t her idea of a perfect holiday.
“I mean, it was all so perfect. The times at the beach and the late night phone calls. All that meant nothing to him?” she murmured helplessly, among tears and sniffs. Maybe he knew all along that a day would come when it would end this way- he walking away with Leandra, who has always been like a sister to me and I sitting here and crying pathetically for my lost love, Cheryl thought.
“Don’t worry, it’s going to be all right,” Tara comforted her, with one hand on Cheryl’s shoulder and the other, fumbling with a tissue box. “Those green eyes don’t go well with all those tears. Come on now, wipe it off.” Tara was always an anti-love kind of girl. Ever since, she’d been dumped by her fifth grade boy friend, she never dated again. So assuring Cheryl that everything would be all right made her feel uneasy since she still felt the pain every time she thought of her painful break up.
“Tara’s right! You don’t deserve this, Cheryl. I didn’t like that guy since the first day,” Sonia, their other friend, spoke. Sonia kneeled on the marble floor of their high school’s washroom and held Cheryl’s hand in hers, locking her grey pupils with Cheryl’s, she went on, “You know, if he didn’t have the courtesy to come up to you and talk about it politely, maybe he just wasn’t the right guy. As for Leandra, come on, we all had noticed the change in her a few days back, hadn’t we?” Sonia questioned, shifting her gaze from Tara to Cheryl. Sonia meant what she said because she always knew that Joshua had been the wrong guy; she never got the right vibes from him. And she didn’t even fell pity for Cheryl. Instead, she felt sad at how love obsessed her friend was.
Cheryl fell silent but the unending tears continued to flood her eyes. For the first time in her life, Sonia’s words failed to take her to a comforting place. Her comforting, wise words and knowing smile weren’t enough to fulfill her expectation in life. Cheryl knew what they were saying was true and that the guy was really not meant for her but this wasn’t about him, it was about something that mattered more - it was about her. All her life, Cheryl had known the bad side of life – her mother passed away two years ago and she lived with her conservative aunt, her one and only brother committed suicide and she was always picked on by the popular kids in her school. So what if her aunt didn’t come to pick her up with a Porsche or Mercedes, her bicycle was good enough! When she reached college, things had become worse- with the portion getting tougher, teachers picking on her every single minute and difficulty in making friends but when Joshua entered her life, everything magically converted to good. His false appreciation and shallow promises transformed everything in her life. One look at that alluring smile and all those troubles seemed to wipe away from her life, disappear into thin air. Now, when he betrayed her for another girl, the black marks in Cheryl’s lives became more and more visible. More than the hurt of deception, the realization that she had to return to her lousy life ached even more.
Steadily Cheryl stood up and walked over to the mirror. She saw the reflection, lost in her own thoughts of deceit and hopelessness, she realized something. She wasn’t just a girl in a blue top, she was the girl who had been shattered by some guy who had no value to the world and she wasn’t going to let that happen to her. Wiping her tears, she tried to look confident. I can do it, she told to herself. I don’t need him. One day, I will get some one who isn’t using me to get my best friend but some one who likes me irrespective of who my best friend is. She grabbed her white handbag from Tara’s hand and turned to the two of them. “Come on, we are missing science class,” she informed the two of them and opened the door to the hallway.
“Glad she realized it,” Tara whispered to Sonia, with satisfaction on her friend’s return to normality.
“Yeah but she realized it too late. Science is over 10 minutes ago,” Sonia bantered, folding her hands and giving a grin. “We better not bump into Tr. Gupta or she’ll give an earful on skipping classes.” Sonia warned, turning to Cheryl.
They had reached the hallway, which was buzzing with excitement like it always does on the last day of school. Boys’ howls and girls’ giggles echoed in the room. Cheryl watched them; all so happy! She was in the same state that morning, with plans of Christmas time with Joshua on her mind. But then came that moment of confrontation and Cheryl was crushed…real badly. She stuffed all her books into her pink bag, still trying very hard to get her mind off the harsh break up. “See you after the holidays, Leandra,” someone’s voice boomed through the hallway. She turned around to see her ex best friend in a pretty white skirt and a green halter top.
“Have a great holiday with Joshua…Oops! My bad,” Leandra hissed, and turned around whipping Cheryl on the face with her soft, brown hair but more importantly, in the heart by her cold words.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Miss Sonia Sharma,” A husky voice hit Sonia’s ears. Sonia knew that voice…she knew it very well. It was Tr. Gupta! Sonia’s froze in front of her locker and her heart was beating at the fastest rate. Gathering the courage to look Tr. Gupta in the eye, she slowly turned around, her fingers crossed and her mind running fast, searching for explanation.
“Just about where do you think you and your ‘gang’ was during my class today,” she continued, pointing towards her with a pen and giving an evil smile.
“Well…you see, madam…umm, Tara was hurt real badly on the ground so…umm…we took her to the…the…nurse,” Sonia concluded, hesitantly. Once her cooked-up-at-the-spot story was presented, Sonia felt really proud of herself.
Tr. Gupta’s looked at her with a questioning expression and quizzed her further, “Couldn’t you bother to spare a few minutes and take my permission for it?”
“Umm…Yeah, actually her leg was bleeding way too much so we didn’t have time for permission. Sorry, this won’t happen again,” Tara apologized, faking an expression of shame, when actually she was bursting with excitement to narrate the historic incident of fooling the much feared lecturer. But Tara had gotten excited too soon because just when Prof. Gupta was about to leave, Tara shouted from the other end of the hallway, “Hey Sonia is Cheryl okay now?” Damn! Sonia thought. Her back-to-normal heart beat began racing again.
Tr. Gupta turned around with a look of pure malice on her face, and with sadistic pleasure she beamed, “Broken leg, huh?”
Oh no! Horrible Timing Tara, jut plain horrible. Sonia said to herself.
When Tara noticed Tr. Gupta standing right there, she was dumfounded. “I…I…I-” Tara began.
“Go get you third ‘gang member’. You students are in big trouble,” Tr. Gupta instructed, with satisfaction that she hadn’t just got one, but three lives to ruin before the holidays.
Sonia turned around and walked away to call Cheryl, while Tara just stood there still trying to put her words into sentences, “I…science…bunked…I….Sonia…sorry…Tara…I.”
Tr. Gupta smiled to herself. Destroying the lives of innocent students. What a feeling it is!

Hm, I liked the title of this, very unique. I'm just going to critique as I read, so here we go.

“This is the worst day of my life,” Cheryl wailed, tears streaming down her rosy cheeks.

Like Rosey said, dialogue seems very unnatural. Try reading dialogue out loud (it'll be easier to tell if it's natural or not).

“We better not bump into Prof. Gupta or she’ll give an earful on skipping classes.” Sonia warned, turning to Cheryl.

My dad is a professor in college and from what he's told me, other professors really don't care if students miss class. Students are paying to take a class in college and it's on their hands if they decide to miss class. Sure, you get the professors who really do care (maybe like Prof. Gupta?) I better read on to find out. =)

“Have a great holiday with Joshua…Oops! My bad,” Leandra hissed, and turned around hitting Cheryl on the face with her soft, brown hair but more importantly, in the heart by her cold words.

Yeesh, what a jerk. But, it seems like your characters are acting more like they are in high school than they are in college. Sure, people act immature all the time. But maybe you should try to mature your characters up just a little bit to fit them into the college age group.

Prof. Gupta smiled to herself. Destroying the lives of innocent students. What a feeling it is!

This is my opinion, but I highly doubt that teachers would be that evil (unless they're my math teacher). Good characterization, though.

Overall, I suggest that you do some research on what it's like to live on a college campus, proffesors, classes, etc. It would make this seem so much more realistic.

Good luck!

Nariel

Hiya, fun4eva!
I have a reviewing system of Positives and Negatives. Let's get started:

Negatives:
In the beginning, I had no idea that they were in a college bathroom, or even college aged! The picture that formed in my mind was Cheryl sitting on her bed, in her room, at home, bawling her eyes out. Not until they left the bathroom did I realize they were in college.

So what if her aunt didn’t come to pick her up with a Porsche or Mercedes, her bicycle was good enough!

Whose bycycle, Cheryls aunts or Cheryls?

I would've liked a little more detail on the looks of the characters.

And Professor Gupta was a little on the stereotypical evil teacher side... actually, alot. More than stereotypical. I wouldn't be surprised if she were a vamp. That's all I have to say negative wise.

Positives:
This was beatuifully written! Obviously you've been writing a while. You pictured the protagonist beautifully in my mind, and gave a good background on her. "Show, don't tell". You did just that wonderfully! I mean awesome! Marble floor, not crummy tile, how she felt with Joshua around, nice job! There's really nothing more for me to say. I'll give you a gold star!

Hey there! Here you go, as requested, just a few comments on the story itself, I'll not be too nit-picky:

“My life is over,” Cheryl wailed, tears streaming down her rosy cheeks. Being dumped by her boyfriend of three years for her best friend just before Christmas wasn’t her idea of a perfect holiday.

[I think your start could build more tension. Your first line of dialogue outlines your character as being over dramatic which isn't always a good first impression but even so you at least have the reader wondering why her life is over and then tell them in the next sentence. Draw it out a little. Spend some time describing where she is and having her sniff and wipe away tears and maybe make-up remnants and then let it be known why she's upset.]

“Don’t worry, it’s going to be all right,” Tara comforted her, with one hand on Cheryl’s shoulder and the other, fumbling with a tissue box. “Those green eyes don’t go well with all those tears. Come on now, wipe it off.” Tara was always an anti-love kind of girl. Ever since, she’d been dumped by her fifth grade boy friend, she never dated again. So assuring Cheryl that everything would be all right made her feel uneasy since she still felt the pain every time she thought of her painful break up.

[Rather than telling us she feels uneasy, you could show it. Have her bite her lip or avoid looking into her friend's eyes. Have her hunch her shoulders a little or maybe she's the time to scowl or tap her foot impatiently to hide the awkwardness.]

“Tara’s right! You don’t deserve this, Cheryl. I didn’t like that guy since the first day,” Sonia, their other friend, spoke. Sonia [s]kneeled[/s] knelt on the marble floor of their high school’s washroom and held Cheryl’s hand in hers, locking her grey pupils with Cheryl’s, she went on,

Characters

I think my main advice is to make your characters stand out more. There has to be a reason that we like these three girls, there's got to be something about them that stands out and individualises them. At the moment they all seem a little similar, just your average teenage students. You need to personalise their actions, think of how they fidget when they say things or what they do while others speak. Are they feigning interest in their friend's love life just because she's their friend or are they really completely involved in it. Do they share secret glances with each other or does one disaprove of the other rolling her eyes behind Cheryl's back. Think about it carefully. And when deciding on dialogue, ask yourself if you could imagine one of your friends saying that/ a teacher saying that. The teacher is much too easily almost fooled. A more likely response would have been 'And it took three of you to take Tara to the nurse?' or possibly 'I'll just go check with Helen then shall I? I'm sure she'll certainly remember such an urgent casualty.'

Plot

Looking good so far but then I'm judging mostly by the title. I think your rush of back-story on the main character was a bit too over the top and made her a little 'Mary Sue' but you've set this toward what could be an excellent plot line.

Overall

I think it needs work, mostly on the side of characters, but it's a good start and you've got something firm to work on. Re-consider your opening, add more characterisation and description and keep molding that plot line =) One suggestion I have is mentioning some minor details like are the girls wearing Christmas earrings? Is there tinsel decorating the school when they step out of the toilets? Has someone graffitied the mirror with snow spray? That was always a favourite at my old school XD Just minor things that mean you don't have to tell the reader that it's Christmas or the last day of school and that will start to build the right atmosphere.

Hope this helps a little!

Heather xx