Aubrey's Raven - Chapter 2

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Hope you enjoy :D You are very welcome to give harsh reviews.

Chapter 2

Wishes never come true. This was reality therefore:
1. There were no such things as genies in a bottle.
2. A pumpkin will never become a golden carriage.
3. There is no knight in shining armor.
4. I was not done with the “mess” I made.
I wiped the tears off my face and slowly stood up again—my legs were stiff from kneeling. I had no idea how long I was on the ground but it couldn’t have been long because Michael still faced me but was now joined by a policeman. The policeman was round and had a burly moustache with specks of crumbs tangled in it. His cheeks were rosy red so you would think that he would have a smile too but his face was in a confused frown.
“Well, good afternoon.” He paused as if he was not sure what to say next.
“I’m Mr. Lauren. What is your name, please?” He looked at me as if anxious to get the conversation over with. Michael muttered something under his breath realizing he forgot to ask one of the most simple of questions. He should of known better.
“Aubrey, sir.” I fumbled at my answer. In small towns, everyone knew everybody’s name. Highland doesn’t have its own police force so all our police come from the neighboring areas. Since this was the first time I had to talk to the police, it was not often that I had to be asked.
“Well, Aubrey, come with me. All we want to do is ask you some questions to figure out what’s going on.”
What is going on? I thought. It was an accident. It was an accident. It was just an accident. I thought it over and over again. Closing my eyes harder and harder each time to make it come true. It was true, right?
Mr. Lauren and Michael already were several feet ahead of me before I started to walk forward. Was this the way I was supposed to be treated? No hugs of reassurance, no friendly pats on the back or even just a smile. Even just a smile.
I followed the two men down Glimmer Parkway, my home road. We departed from the side of my house, jumped over my fence, and walked along the long winding pavement. Glimmer Parkway got its name from all the trees that lined it or at least because of one special day. It is told that one night, right before dawn, the morning dew on all the trees glimmered so brightly that the whole road was lit. All the townsfolk were so amazed at the sight that they renamed the street, Glimmer. Of course, now, no one truly believed in the ol’ folklore of Highland but whenever I walked down Glimmer Parkway, I felt magic running through my bare feet. As if something was telling me that one day I was going to shine so brightly to light up the whole world. Though this time around, I didn’t feel anything. Only the cold, the agony, and the fear. Where was I going? Where’s Mamma? Surely, the police would have contacted her before now. Then again, they didn’t even know my name. I broke from my reminiscent trance to see where Mr. Lauren and Michael were. I needed them to contact Mamma.
They were walking a considerable distance ahead of me. I felt my legs bolt into a full run to catch up. I could feel the wind blowing through my brown frizzy auburn hair as it lifted it up off of my neck. Though after awhile, I could feel my bare feet starting to sting from the hard pavement. Finally, the men were coming into arms distance. Michael was the first to look behind him—to look at me.
He smiled. It was the first sign of human emotion, I had seen out of him. Though it was a quick smile; his face became serious again soon afterwards.
I slowed down to walk besides Mr. Lauren.
“I need to talk—“
I cut myself off. Glimmer Parkway stopped right where we were standing. Police cars, and huge fire trucks lined Freeway Street. It seemed like a hundred men and women were involved in the beginning of what would be known as the Aubrey case. They were all departing the scene also, getting into their fire trucks and other assorted cars. There was a lone ambulance at the end of Freeway. But most importantly, there was a black police car parked in front of us. I never took into consideration that I would have to go to the police station.
“Before we start the interrogation, we need the consent of your parents” Mr. Lauren turned towards me obviously waiting for a quick answer.
But that was part of the exact problem I needed to solve.
“She doesn’t know where her mom is, Sir.” Michael proudly reported to Mr. Lauren. His eyes shone brighter than any star in the sky. I understood Michael after that. He was one of those people who are obsessed with their career, pleasing their boss, and overall success. I used to be one of them.
Mr. Lauren looked at Michael and then at me. He then finally figured out what to say.
“Where’s your Dad?” It was an ingenious question if I wasn’t raised by a single mother for the majority of my life.
“I don’t know.” I felt the blood drain from my face. “He left when I was little.” It was not a fact I like to be reminded of. The little memories that I have of Daddy are small but they tell a story of a man that loved his little girl. Those memories are wrong.
I looked up hopelessly at the two men. I wanted to talk to Mamma even though it meant saying I destroyed all of our treasures. I wanted to talk to her for comfort.
That’s when it hit me.
The policeman had other ideas in store for contacting Mamma. He said that we needed to start an interrogation. Interrogations aren’t like what Michael did, asking me a few harmless questions. Interrogations are hard-core; they’re for suspects—for suspected criminals.
I wasn’t a criminal, was I? No. Don’t panic, Aubrey. Don’t panic.
“Do you need a phone?” Mr. Lauren’s voice was softer this time. My fear must have been evident to them.
“Yes.” Yes, I desperately needed a phone.
My hand reached out, expecting to be given a cell phone of some kind. Mine was in my room. Now, gone.
I felt nothing in my palm.
“Before, we allow you to contact anyone else, we need to go over a few things.” Mr. Lauren said, and then pointed to Michael.
“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights?” Michael recited the Miranda rights perfectly just like we learned in school. Though I never thought I would ever have to be given them. I thought I was good for life.
The words blew one by one over my head, I didn’t understand until something caught my eye. A man had come out of the lone ambulance and started to walk towards us. He was tall, and had a white lab coat on. But, it wasn’t what he was wearing that was interesting. It was what he was holding. The tall man with the lab coat carried a small plastic baggy containing what looked like ash. But it wasn’t the type of regular ash you see at a fire. This was chunky ash. Big black with specks of a red substance ash. The man was nearing the police car that Mr. Lauren, Michael, and I were standing next to. Mr. Lauren looked behind him, now also looking at the tall man.
“Its human.” The tall man made his way to Mr. Lauren and whispered those two words in his ear.
Mr. Lauren nodded gravely. The sight would plague me for years to come.
Give hugs not bombs or whatever that saying says




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Nice work!

Wishes never come true. This was reality therefore:
1. There were no such things as genies in a bottle.
2. A pumpkin will never become a golden carriage.
3. There is no knight in shining armor.
4. I was not done with the “mess” I made


Unless the book is being written in diary format, I wouldn't list things.
Also, the word "therefore" at the end of the 2nd sentence seems unessacary

His cheeks were rosy red so you would think that he would have a smile too but his face was in a confused frown.


The sentence begins to feel like I run on. It's awkwardly written as well. Chop it up into small sections maybe.

Michael muttered something under his breath realizing he forgot to ask one of the most simple of questions. He should of known better.


What's the most simple question? Maybe you, Michael and Aubrey know, but the reader doesn't!


Even just a smile.


I don't think you need repetition here. If you want it, I would put "Not even a smile" instead. Reread it yourself and you'll see how it seems weird.

As if something was telling me that one day I was going to shine so brightly to light up the whole world


Nice line

I felt my legs bolt into a full run to catch up.


This makes it seem like Aubrey is possessed. :) Can she not control herself? It sounds like a higher force is compelling her to run.

It was the first sign of human emotion, I had seen out of him


I don't think you need a comma there.

“She doesn’t know where her mom is, Sir.”


Sir doesn't need to be capitalized unless it is follwed by a proper noun 9at least i don't think so)
Example: Sir George
Example 2: Yes, sir. as compared to "Yes, Sir Bob."

The little memories that I have of Daddy are small but they tell a story of a man that loved his little girl


you use the adjective small too much here. If the memories are little we know they are small. Pick one. Then, Aubrey refers to herself as little. Perhaps change it to daughter?

Good work! I'd like to see more posted soon!
Hope this was helpful.
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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Pretty good prose-wise, and Sakura's done the nit-picks already, but there's one thing:

You spend zero time discussing the consiquences of her being in a smoke-filled house for so long. Did she get burned at all? How did she get out? Why isn't she being treated for smoke inhalation? It's more seriouse then you think.


http://www.cbc.ca/news/background/healt ... ation.html <---- That's a news website's info on what smoke inhalation can do and the treatment. It's pretty scary. No investigation should be done until she's been given a clean bill of health. The police might not be the nicest guys out there when dealing with s suspect (they can still be kind, though. Not totally cold. Considering she's just lost everything, some kindness is expected) but I don't think they wouldn't take a person who could go into resperatory failure at any time in for questioning.

So, with that in my head, I had a really hard time believing this. The prose and imagery is good, there might be a few places where you gave a bit too much info but that is to be expected, but the lack of health consiquences isn't believable.

That's really all that's missing here. You'd be able to pick up this plot thread after she's been checked out. Look up what members of the police, fire-squad and paramedics would do in such a situation before going farther. I wouldn't be afraid to ask the local members of the police, firefighters and paramedics what they'd do in a situation like this. Just explain it's for research and they should be happy to help. You just might have to be patient if they get called out while you're talking.

Hope I helped!
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Rosey Unicorn wrote:You spend zero time discussing the consiquences of her being in a smoke-filled house for so long. Did she get burned at all? How did she get out? Why isn't she being treated for smoke inhalation? It's more seriouse then you think.


Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too :?

I had no idea how long I was on the ground, but it couldn’t have been long because Michael still faced me but was now joined by a policeman.


You need a comma where indicated, and although the sentence is technically correct, it is a bit of a mouthful. "I had no idea how long I was on the ground, but it couldn't have been long. Michael still faced me, but a policeman joined him." That would separate the sentence into two easier-to-read ones and also eliminate your use of the passive voice in "but was now joined".

“Yes.” Yes, I desperately needed a phone.


Even though the first part is a quote and the second is the narrator's words to the reader, it is still a bit repetitive. We all ready know that she needs a phone by answering positively. To get rid of the repetition and still emphasize her urgent need for the phone, I suggest

"Yes," I desperately answered/responded/replied. Whichever you prefer.

“Before, we allow you to contact anyone else, we need to go over a few things,” Mr. Lauren said, and then pointed to Michael.


You need a comma at the end instead of a period.

The thing I see the most is that you don't use a lot of conversational verbs (said, answered, asked, stated, etc.). You place quotes followed by actions, not really stating who the talking person was. Also, like the above edit, you place a lot of periods at the end of quotes where commas should be, lol.

Keep an eye out for that.

PM me when chapter three is posted; I look forward to it :)



People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
— Albus Dumbledore