Eve-Prologue

~Hey, everyone. I decided awhile back that I didn't like my Fallen Sorrows. So I'm redoing everything. The characters will be the same but a whole other plot and different setting, and so on... I would greatly appreciate the feedback. Well, Enjoy!~

With the countless number of bands that played at The Viper, I couldn't tell who was playing tonight. It was some alternative or indie band, that somehow got great ratings on the billboard charts. I could care less who they were, I just wasn't in the mood.
I didn't want to spoil Annie's evening at the venue, so I mentally pushed myself to be enthusiastic for her. It was hard but I didn't want to think of myself, so I did it for Annie.
About a few hours ago, Annie was so excited to go to the concert. We were at my house and she spent an hour on her hair, makeup and clothes.
I remember leaning against the white door frame, waiting for her. “Come on Annie. Do you have to take forever?” With my left arm on my hip, I spoke in a frustrated and whiny tone.
She turned to face me, with the curling iron stuck in her hair, “Eve, you know too well that The Viper is like the only place in Salina to see and be seen.”
She was right. The Viper was the most popular music venue in Salina and everyone went there on the weekends. It was just the place to go.
Rolling my emerald eyes in defeat, I spoke, “Oh, come on.” I pushed myself away from the bathroom door and took a step towards Annie. “You know, that if you take this long, we'll never be there on time.”
I looked at the mirror and saw Annie staring at me with her leave-me-be lime colored eyes, “Give me two minutes and then we can leave.”
Sighing at her words, I turned to leave, “Fine. Just hurry up Annie.” With that I left the bathroom to grab my converses.
Tugging myself away from the thought, I took in the raunchy, loud tunes to the band. Listening to the lyrics, I believe that the male singer was singing some song about a chick that broke up with him. You've got to be joking. These lyrics suck. Then I considered the band, itself. And so does the band.
With the melodic tunes vibrating off the dark tinted walls, it felt like I was actually on the stage. The music was so loud that I bet people could hear it on the edge of Salina. Then I stopped and reconsidered. No, maybe not that loud.
Glancing around the room, I saw teens jumping up and throwing their fists in the air, showing their commitment to the band. Even Annie was doing it. Trying not to stand out, I started bouncing on my toes and raised my right arm up, doing the same as everyone else.
After that lame song ended, God, it was really bad, the band took a minute and prepared for the upcoming song.
While every teen girl gossiped about the hottest band member, I glanced at Annie. Her eyes expanded at the sight of one of the guys up on stage. No, she couldn't have fallen for some guys hotness. “Annie?”
She spun on her feet and looked at me, “Oh my God! Isn't he cute?!” I was right. She was one of those girls.
Trying to be interested in what she was saying, I asked, “Who?”
“The bass guitarist.”
“Oh. That's cool.” I wasn't in the mood to talk about guys.
Then all of a sudden, Annie gave me one of her you-promised looks, “Come on, Eve. You promised you'd do this for me.”
Giving her a half attempt at a smile I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. “Huh?” I pulled the phone out and saw that Riley left me a text. “Hey, Annie. I'll be right back.”
“But-” Leaving before she could rant anymore I left the venue.
The outside air was cold for the month of October and thank god I had a jacket on. Rounding a corner to the back alley, I flipped open my phone to read the message.
Except before I even read the note, I smelt something. Something really bad. I closed my phone, put it back in my jeans pocket and glanced around where the horrible smell was coming from.
Taking a few seconds to actually breathe fresh air, something caught my eye. I saw a foot or more like legs besides the gray dumpster.
I walked over and froze. That's where the smell was coming from. Laying against garbage bags was a dead guy. I could just tell he was dead.
Bending down, I saw that there was two bite marks on the guy's throat. “No. It can't be.” I whispered to myself. We're very careful on how much blood we take. This is just beyond the line. Shaking my head in disgust, I pulled myself up. I got to tell someone about this. But, then they'll probably blame it on me.
Strangely I heard something coming closer. I glanced at my right and saw nothing. All it was, was the end of the dark alley that led to the other streets.
The sound was getting louder and my senses were becoming acute to every possible echo. It's probably nothing at all. Come on, Eve. Don't let your emotions get the best of you.
Then the noise stopped. There's gotta be some rational explanation on why it ended. Turning very carefully to my left I saw someone. He or she was at the end of the alley, with their face blocked out by the dark shadows.
I bet it's Annie worrying about me. “You know, Annie. You didn't have to come out here. I said I'd be right back.”
Except they didn't say anything. All they did was take a step closer to me. Do not freak out, Eve. I mentally told myself.
Walking a step closer, they took one back. “Huh? What's going on.” I called out.
“I know it's you, Eve.”
“What?”
“You're the vampire who killed them all.”

Although I love cliff-hangers, this seemed a bit cliche... It may be better to keep this a secret for a while....hinting at it but never quite revealing it....

I love the style though...very promising...can't recall whether I have reviewed your work before but I certainly will again!

Overall, quite enjoyable, but I'm never too keen on a first person narrative unless your characterisation is perfect...otherwise descriptions of the scenery and whatnot gets forgotten....

Not sure I like the flashbacks being in italics either, but i understand you are limited in how to portray it in other ways

OH MY GOD! This si so good! I love this is starts off really good too, so it make the reader want to read more! Like me! Haha.

Anyway, I never would have expected her to be a vamp. In the beginning it sounded so normal, but then it changed. I was liek WOAH! Haha.

I really like this! Please PM when the next chapter is posted!

Krisy

Merry_Haven wrote:~Hey, everyone. I decided awhile back that I didn't like my Fallen Sorrows. So I'm redoing everything. The characters will be the same but a whole other plot and different setting, and so on... I would greatly appreciate the feedback. Well, Enjoy!~ Comments in red.

With the countless number of bands that played at The Viper, I couldn't tell who was playing tonight. It was some alternative or indie band, that somehow got great ratings on the billboard charts. I could care less who they were, I just wasn't in the mood.
I didn't want to spoil Annie's evening at the venue, so I mentally pushed myself to be enthusiastic for her. It was hard but I didn't want to think of myself, so I did it for Annie.
About a few hours ago, Annie was so excited to go to the concert. We were at my house and she spent an hour on her hair, makeup and clothes.
I remember leaning against the white door frame, waiting for her. “Come on Annie. Do you have to take forever?” With my left arm on my hip, I spoke in a frustrated and whiny tone.
She turned to face me, with the curling iron stuck in her hair, “Eve, you know too well that The Viper is like the only place in Salina to see and be seen.”
She was right. The Viper was the most popular music venue in Salina and everyone went there on the weekends. It was just the place to go.
Rolling my emerald eyes in defeat, I spoke, “Oh, come on.” I pushed myself away from the bathroom door and took a step towards Annie. “You know, that if you take this long, we'll never be there on time.”
I looked at the mirror and saw Annie staring at me with her leave-me-be lime colored eyes, “Give me two minutes and then we can leave.”
Sighing at her words, I turned to leave, “Fine. Just hurry up Annie.” With that I left the bathroom to grab my converses. Why is this italicized? Technically speaking, it's not a flashback if you say, 'I remember..." or something like that. If you want it to stay italicized, then the first italicized line would be something along the lines of, "I was leaning against the white door frame..."
Tugging myself away from the thought, I took in the raunchy, loud tunes to the band Loud tunes to the band? Do you mean the loud tunes of the band?. Listening to the lyrics, I believed that the male singer was singing A singer singing, tends to happen. Might want to change one. some song about a chick that broke up with him. You've got to be joking;[s]. T[/s]these lyrics suck. Then I considered the band, itself. And so does the band.
With the melodic tunes If the band sucks then would the tunes really be melodic? vibrating off the dark tinted walls, it felt like I was actually on the stage. The music was so loud that I bet people could hear it on the edge of Salina. Then I stopped and reconsidered. No, maybe not that loud.
Glancing around the room, I saw teens jumping up and throwing their fists in the air, showing their commitment to the band. Even Annie was doing it. Trying not to stand out, I started bouncing on my toes and raised my right arm up, doing the same as everyone else.
After that lame song ended, God, it was really bad, the band took a minute and prepared for the upcoming song.
While every teen girl gossiped about the hottest band member, I glanced at Annie. Her eyes expanded at the sight of one of the guys up on stage. No, she couldn't have fallen for some guy's hotness. “Annie?”
She spun on her feet and looked at me, “Oh my God! Isn't he cute?!” I was right. She was one of those girls.
Trying to be interested in what she was saying, I asked, “Who?”
“The bass guitarist.”
“Oh. That's cool.” I wasn't in the mood to talk about guys.
Then all of a sudden, Annie gave me one of her you-promised looks, “Come on, Eve. You promised you'd do this for me.” Hold on, the narrator is a she? I thought it was Annie's date. You might want to clear that up a little bit earlier.
Giving her a half attempt at a smile I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. “Huh?” I pulled the phone out and saw that Riley left me a text. “Hey, Annie. I'll be right back.”
“But-” Leaving before she could rant anymore I left the venue.
The outside air was cold for the month of October and thank [s]g[/s]God I had a jacket on. Rounding a corner to the back alley, I flipped open my phone to read the message.
Except before I even read the note, I smelt something. Something really bad. I closed my phone, put it back in my jeans pocket and glanced around to see where, maybe? where the horrible smell was coming from.
Taking a few seconds to actually breathe fresh air, Where did you get the fresh air from? Did you walk a few steps backwards? If you did, I certainly wasn't informed. something caught my eye. I saw a foot, or more like legs besides the gray dumpster.
I walked over and froze. That's where the smell was coming from. Laying against garbage bags was a dead guy. I could just tell he was dead.
Bending down, I saw that there was two bite marks on the guy's throat. “No. It can't be.” I whispered to myself. We're very careful on how much blood we take. This is just beyond the line. Shaking my head in disgust, I pulled myself up. I got to tell someone about this. But, then they'll probably blame it on me. Well, that was a bit of a surprise, to say the least. Good job.
Strangely I heard something coming closer. Why is that strange? I glanced [s]at[/s] to my right and saw nothing. All it was, was the end of the dark alley that led to the other streets.
The sound was getting louder and my senses were becoming acute to every possible echo. It's probably nothing at all. Come on, Eve. Don't let your emotions get the best of you.
Then the noise stopped. There's gotta be some rational explanation on why it ended. Turning very carefully to my left I saw someone. He or she was at the end of the alley, with their face blocked out by the dark shadows.
I bet it's Annie worrying about me. “You know, Annie. You didn't have to come out here. I said I'd be right back.”
Except they didn't say anything. All they did was take a step closer to me. Do not freak out, Eve. I [s]mentally[/s] told myself. Yeah, if you tell yourself something adn it's in italica, we'll get that it's mentally. You don't specifically have to tell us.
Walking a step closer, they took one back. “Huh? What's going on.” I called out.
“I know it's you, Eve.”
“What?”
“You're the vampire who killed them all.”

Okay, with that out of the way. let's get down to what I came here for: tearing this to pieces!

No, I won't really do that, and it actually was pretty good. I have a few standards I'm trying out for all reviews, so let's get started.

Title: I personally don't like it when authors make the name of the main character the title of the story. It seems a little too Disney, but also it seems like a last resort. An author who doesn't have anything better to use generally uses the MCs name. I don't know if that's the case with you, and if it isn't you might want to change that.

Individuality: So far, I don't see how different Eve is going to be from any other vampire story I've read. The stories still young though, so there's plenty of time for you to make it your own.

Characters: I like Eve, not so much Annie. It's just my personal preference, I don't like the preppy ones, but you should by no means want to change it. Some people will take a liking to Annie, some to Eve, some will love them both. As I said in the line-by-line, you might want to clarify a little earlier that the narrator is a woman, because I was under the impression it was Annie's date. Although the title is the narrator's name, that doesn't necessarily clear it up for readers, because Eve is a word as well as a name, and I thought you meant it in the word way.

Plot Development: This was a very short piece to critique, so I don't have much to go on as far as development goes. I can get a vague sense of where the plot might be going, and I'm not sure how different it will be from other vampire stories. If you want more in this section, you'll have to message me when you put out the first chapter.

Overall: I like your writing styles so far, and I definitely liked the way you introduced Eve's vampire-ness to the story. I think you have a good idea of where the stories going, even if I dont' just yet, which is good. It was a little choppy in places, but overall it seems like you have a good solid start with a lot of potential, and I'll probably come back to see what you've done with it.