An Apple and a Graveyard - Chap. 1

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Whew. Edited as of 6-22-09. It's been so long since I've worked on this; I'm really excited to get back into the plot. Hope you guys enjoy the rewrite. I made the MC older, so if any of you decide to keep reading the other chapters they're as of yet unchanged; I'm working on them. Be mean! Nitpicks, please!

Chapter One

Like many stories, like many trees, like many snacks… it all began with an apple. The object itself was red. It was so clean one could see their reflection in it, and I had a very firm belief that a person’s reflection would indeed affect the taste of the fruit, whether or not the expression in the apple was sour or joyful
This apple, my apple, was sweet. I’d just gotten out of my car with this particular fruit, and had taken my first bite. The juice exploded in my mouth, and being a person who likes to enjoy experiences, I closed my eyes in pleasure. Kids behind me jostled my arm, and the apple hit my chin. “Watch it!” a small boy snapped. My town was so small that our school combined all grades; all the older kids were mixed in with the young ones. Ignoring him, I clutched the apple in my hand and found a spot on the curb.
I had my purse under one arm and my bulging book-bag hitched up on the other shoulder. Needless to say, it was a very uncomfortable position, but I just had to take a bite of the apple I’d grabbed from the fridge that morning. My stomach was rumbling, and I wanted to taste that juice again.
It was then that it happened. Then that my end began. It was then that would put a conclusion to all that I had in the living world and start something crucial and strange in the after. I stepped off the curb to cross the street, as all the other kids were doing.
And I dropped my apple.
So many things could have happened then. The adult crossing the street could have stopped and helped me, instead of hiding me from sight from the woman with the stop sign. I could have left the apple. I could have taken the apple and turned back. But, as it was, I bent down to pick up the apple; an adult crossed the street right in front of me and hid me from view; and, after the apple was in my hand, I continued on my way across the divide of my life and my death.
It was then that I died.
A car, having been given the go-ahead by the woman with the sign, surged forward. Afterward, I could imagine that foot hitting the gas, and the driver spotting me one second too late, but, at that moment, I was hit by the front of that car. I flew back and hit my head on the pavement.
I never got to see what happened after that. I never got to watch the reaction of the driver, or of the woman with the stop sign, because I was flying.
The only thing that I could think of while I was flying was, So it’s true. There is a tunnel. It was like I had been told. Everything all around me was darkness. But at the end, I could see a vivid light, almost like the beam of a flashlight, shining like a beacon.
But I did not experience the joy, or anticipation, or fear that I’d heard some people felt. The only emotion I felt was… unhappiness. I wasn’t ready to leave my home yet. I wanted to stay, to live. I had plans to be an English teacher when I grew up. I wanted to see my sister’s baby when it was born. I was only sixteen! I’d been healthy, I’d been a good student. Why did this have to happen to me now?
And as I neared the light, I became more and more agitated and angry. It was an odd emotion for me. I was rarely angry; it was just who I was. At home, I really didn’t have anything to be angry about. I had no siblings to annoy me. School didn’t bother me, and I got along with all my teachers.
The strange, new anger flooded my being, and I began to flail my arms and legs. It was as if I was in outer space, and there was no gravity, because nothing happened. I merely continued floating my way towards the infuriating light.
I fought at the air, trying to hit it as if it had a face. My anger only grew when I felt like I was being ignored. No one had ever ignored me in my life.
“You’re so stupid!” I shrieked at it, kicking and thrusting my arms out some more. “I hate you! I’m going to make you miserable!” It was what my mom had said to my dad once.
The light was becoming brighter and larger, and, as I neared it, I felt as if I was drawing to my own death, though I had already died. I began to scream, and then wail; my sobs sounded like short gasps, as if my lungs were out of air. I gave up, sagging, and the cool air all around seemed to gather me closer. I stared at the light, lips trembling. The desire to live within me had silenced in resolution. I had lost.
Then, suddenly, I was let go. The grip on my body seemed to vanish, and I fell. The bottom of the tunnel came to meet me, and I cringed in anticipation, but I fell through it, as if the darkness was a cloud. I blinked, and the wind blew through my hair. I looked around me, and felt my eyes widen in reaction to what they saw.
I was falling through the sky. Blue, not black, was all around me then. Instead of being cool, the air was cold. I clutched my arms to myself and brought my knees up. In the past, I’d heard that when at a great height, it was always a bad idea to look down.
Look down I did. Strangely, I was not alarmed at what I saw. I’d been in an airplane before, and the view coming fast at me was what I had seen from out of the window. There were little squares, and lines, and a lot of green. Briefly, as I enjoyed studying everything below, I wondered what would happen when I reached the ground. Would it hurt? Would I die again?
Then more questions popped into my head. Was it possible to die twice? What had happened in the tunnel? Why had I been released from going to the light? Had that ever happened to anyone else?
Then I realized that there should have been butterflies in my stomach, like there had been when I was at the amusement park, riding the biggest roller coaster. But there was nothing. All I could feel was the temperature of the air. It was as if all feeling had left my body.
In a way I supposed that made sense, if I was dead. Technically, I had no body. I was a soul, I believed. But I still felt a loss. It would have been fun to have the butterflies. It was always the best part of riding roller coasters, or being on an airplane.
I mentally shrugged, and again went back to looking at the ground. It wasn’t far then, and I experienced a moment of worry, again uncharacteristic for me. Perhaps one worries more in death than one does in life, I pondered. But I could not deny the profound relief I felt at having escaped that looming light that I hadn’t been ready to go to.
It occurred to me that maybe I was being given back my life, and new excitement flowed through my veins.
I could make out the cars then, and the buildings and roads. Only a little more time. I tried to discern where I would fall. There was a field below me. It would be the perfect place for a landing. That way I wouldn’t hit anything. If I even lived after the fall.
My house wasn’t to be seen. In fact, I didn’t recognize what city I was falling into. There were many tall buildings, as my home city had had, but I didn’t remember any of them. They were all different from mine. Had the tunnel been above a completely different place than where I died?
But that wouldn’t make sense, would it?
I hated not knowing the rules of dying. I’d always known the rules. They had been my safety net. Now that they were gone I felt uncomfortable, to say in the least.
I was closer than ever to the ground. I hoped no one would see me. It would cause a panic, and I wanted my return to be as quiet as possible. I’d never liked attention.
Maneuvering my body by holding out my arms and legs, I headed for the obliging field. It rushed closer and closer, and I shut my eyes in true fear. Pain was something I’d experienced only in minimal amounts. Stubbing a toe, cutting my finger on the side of a piece of paper, bumping my head. I hadn’t even felt my death—it had happened too quickly.
I opened one eye a slit to see how close I was, and I uttered a small scream.
I hit the ground.
Last edited by KJ on Tue Jun 23, 2009 12:38 am, edited 4 times in total.




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KJ you're doing it again! You are writing so many great stories and you leave people hanging, thirsting for more. This was too good for words. Every time you write something it just reeks this weird brilliance and it makes people focus on it intently until the end...which came too soon. Please, I beg of you finish this or I will send a strawberry pie to your face through the internet!!
Now enough of my rants, I liked this, really I did. The beginning part about the apple I thought was hilarious because the MC of the story was so in love with it. Wow, I just never knew someone who really liked apples but okay...the dying part was a little whoa! She was screaming at the light, normal for someone who is scared :D My thoughts are a little rambled but all in all I thought this has promise. The only problem I have with this is that if you don't add more you'll have strawberry all over your face. Hope you like strawberries!! :lol:
Good Job and keep writing,
Angel :D :D :D
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Good job.
A few things though.
I think the start of your story dosont capture the eye very well. Espeacialy with the snack thing. In my opinion it pushes the reader away. You should try something of the sort:
Like many stories, it all began with an apple.

or
It all began with an apple...


And this too.

Like many stories, like many snacks, like many trees… it all began with an apple. The object itself was red. It was so clean one could see their reflection in it. Whether or not the expression seen was sour or joyful, I had a very firm belief [s]that [/s]that it would indeed affect the taste of the fruit


No need for two "that". Probably just a typo though.

The only thing that I could think of while I was flying was, So it’s true. There is a tunnel. It was like I had been told. Everything all around me was darkness. But at the end, I could see a vivid light, almost like the beam of a flashlight, shining like a beacon.


Maybe you should write her thoughts in italic. it would help the reader.

It was as if all feeling had left my body.


"Feelings" ????

Perhaps one worries more in death than one does in life,


Again you should write it in italic.

Ok. Im done.
Keep it up!
:P
When the power of love is greater than the love of power, there will be peace.




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I love this piece. Verey, very interesting, and very original. There is no other way to put it. Awesome story. It's very interesting, and I like the character and her voice.
Keep up the great writing - I like chapter 2 as well. Very good, that's all I can say.
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Wow, kelsey, just simply wow! I must have a round applause sent to you!

*boisterous screams of joy and echoing claps ring in the room*

This was a really amazing piece of literature. See! This is the reward for stepping outside the box, and thinking beyond normal insight. :D

I praise you!

Umm, I noticed nothing wrong. Everything seemed simply divine.

All I have to say is that I am on to chapter two!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


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KJ- I'm glad that you decided to go out of the box, because this piece was amazing. It is writers like you that not only motivate me to write, but scare the living daylights out of me. You make writing seem so effortless and simple!

The juice exploded in my mouth, and being a person who likes to enjoy experiences, I closed my eyes in pleasure. Kids behind me jostled my arm, and the apple hit my chin, but I simply tucked it under my arm and found a spot on the curb.


For some reason..this quote made me chuckle... i can almost see it the child being so focused on the apple that nothing else matters.

Again.. very nicely done.. I'm going to be paying attention to you.. in case you get famous some day!




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Gorgeous! I have to read the next chapters!


Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!


~Lily~
"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."
~Anonymous

Nulla dies sine linea. --Not a day without a line




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Wow, this was a great beginning. I love her fascination with the apple, how she died, and how she reacted to being dead. :D

Like many stories, like many trees, like many snacks… it all began with an apple.

I like this beginning.

Whether or not the expression seen was sour or joyful, I had a very firm belief that it would indeed affect the taste of the fruit.

I think you should switch these clauses around. Or, else connect it further to being able to see the face in the apple.

Kids behind me jostled my arm, and the apple hit my chin, but I simply tucked it under my arm and found a spot on the curb.

First, a bit of a run on sentence. Second, I'm a bit confused about the action taken in the underlined part.

Needless to say, it was a very uncomfortable position, but I just had to take a bite of the apple I’d picked from our family orchard that morning before going into the school.

Also a bit of a run-on, and that kind of makes the orchard part a bit of an info-dump. Separate it out, and it should do fine.

It was then that it happened. Then that my end began. Then that would put a conclusion to all that I had in the living world but would start something crucial and strange in the after.

I'm not so sure about all of the 'then that's. This part does kind of remind me of the beginning of YuYu Hakusho, but that's not important.

But, as it was, I bent down to pick up the apple; an adult crossed the street right in front of me and hid me from view; and, after the apple was in my hand, I continued on my way across the divide of my life and my death.

Commas added, also, I switched the list commas over to semicolons. I think they'll work a bit better.

Afterward, I could imagine that foot hitting the gas, and the driver spotting me one second too late, but, at that moment, I was hit by the front of that car. I flew back and hit my head on the pavement.

Fixed a bit of commas, and I combined one sentence, and formed another.

I had no little brothers to annoy me.

Speaking from experience, older sisters can also be annoying.

“You’re so stupid!” I shrieked at it, kicking and thrusting my arms out some more. “I hate you! I’m going to make you miserable!”

I love this part.

The light was becoming brighter and larger, and, as I neared it, I felt as if I was drawing to my own death, though I had already died. I began to scream, then wail; my sobs sounding like short gasps, as if my lungs were out of air.

Commas, and I separated a contraction. Second sentence, I added a semicolon.

The desire to live within me was silencing in resolution.

I'm not sure if that's the correct form of the word that you want to use.

[s]And s[/s] Strangely, I was not alarmed at what I saw.

I don't think you needed the 'And.'

You also use 'Then' a lot, especially for beginning sentences.

There were many tall buildings, as my home had had, but I couldn’t remember any of them.

Her home was a tall building? Or, do you mean that it was a city. I think this one could use a bit of clarification.

All in all, great story! I really like the imagery shown through your words. I'm very interested in seeing what happens to your character next and, luckily, I can go and see. :D
Some people fall in love and touch the sky.
Some people fall in love and find Quicksand.

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It's wonderfully intriguing and you have this way with words. Sort of quirky and dark. Like evryone else is looking from above and you're there, peeking out from under the table, with a unique and revealing perspective. Having said this, I have, maybe, three improvments to suggest.

This first one is probably just a preference thing, but maybe it will help anyway? Some parts of the story gave a slightly choppy impression for me. Not so much that I wanted to stop reading, but just enough to pull me away a little.

Secondly, I agree italics for thoughts would be spiffy.

And last. when your character thinks,

"Perhaps one worries more in life than one does in death,"


I just don't think of a 13 year old. Maybe you want it to seem that way, but if not, then now you know.

It was a pleasure to read.

~Laeken




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Very good, yet again you have written a story that draws the reader in almost instantly. I have very few suggestions, just a couple nitpicks.


Then that would put a conclusion to all that I had in the living world but would start something crucial and strange in the after.


This is hard to read. I think it would it read better if you wrote
It was then that would put a conclusion to all that I had in the living world and would start something crucial and strange in the after. Maybe? idk.

I was rarely angry.


You're 13, at the brink of raging hormones and puberty and you are rarely angry? Seems strange.

It wasn’t far then, and I experienced a moment of worry, again uncharacteristic for me.


I apologize but this characteristic makes your character unrealistic to me. Everyone worries, maybe not excessively but I'm pretty sure everyone worries more than once or twice.

I hadn’t even felt my death—it had happened too quickly.


I'm a little uncertain about your character's age, they seem much more mature than 13. And I am also unsure of the MCs sex, male or female? Other than that I really enjoyed this story. Keep it up.




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Oh my gosh, I'm so late. XD I'm sorry! I was planning to review this from the first minute you asked me to, but somehow it all kind of got lost.... XD

Anyway, I loved this. I really did. It was a great opening for a story, and now I really want to read more. You've done a great job with this!

The only thing that I could think of while I was flying was, So it’s true. There is a tunnel.

Just wanted to say, I love that line.

Some small nitpicky things:

The adult crossing the street could have stopped and helped me, instead of hiding me from sight from the woman with the stop sign.

This sentence kinda confused me a little. By the woman with the stop sign, did you mean, like, the crossing guard? Or someone by the stop sign? Or, like, what? Actually, during this whole scene, I had a little trouble figuring out where your MC was and what they were doing. XD Like, I wasn't sure whether they were going to or leaving school, and where they were walking. Eh, might be just me.

Then I realized that there should have been butterflies in my stomach, like there had been when I was at the fair, riding the biggest roller coaster.

This might be a weird/silly question, but do fairs actually have any roller coaster one could call big? I mean, all the fairs I've ever been to had one little roller coaster that goes around in a circle, and was, at very most, about ten feet off the ground. But then again, almost all the fairs I've been to have been in tiny Illinois towns, so... eh, I dunno. But I think even at the state fair here in Phoenix, they only have those little kiddie ones. Anyhow, nitpick over.

I sort of agree with a previous reviewer that I don't know much about your MC yet, but I imagine they will get more development in later chapters. From what I've seen so far, though, she (or was it a he? I can't actually remember) seemed likable and interesting enough.

Anyway, great job, I can't wait to find out what comes next. ^_^
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?




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KJ,

Hello (: I know this has been out for quite some times, but it seems I rarely actually critique something right away. I mean, I read it when it was first posted, just was to lazy to write a proper critique^^


***

Quote:
Like many stories, like many trees, like many snacks… it all began with an apple.

Wonderful beginning. *adores next sentence.


Quote:
Kids behind me jostled my arm, and the apple hit my chin, but I simply tucked it under my arm and found a spot on the curb.

I guess I’ll have to take your word for it that it makes sense. An apple can be tucked under one’s arm? (Really, it’s been some time since I’ve had any contact with English, and so perhaps… er, yeah, just answer the question xD Else I‘ll keep thinking about it the whole week).


Quote:
Needless to say, it was a very uncomfortable position, but I just had to take a bite of the apple I’d picked from our family orchard that morning before going into the school.

Nothing wrong with this sentence. It’s just that… “that morning before going into school” draaags that sentence so much. Is the info really necessary? And if it is, can it not be slipped in somewhere else? Because this is like a log long tail trailing behind.


Quote:
But as it was, I bent down to pick up the apple, an adult crossed the street right in front of me and hid me from view, and after the apple was in my hand, I continued on my way across the divide of my life and my death.

Something is missing: “(…) apple, an adult”.


Quote:
The desire to live within me was silencing in resolution.

Consider rephrasing?


Quote:
Only a little more time.

I didn’t quite understand the purpose of this sentence. I mean, more or less, yes, but it kind of - floats about.


***

This was absolutely brilliant - I particularly adored the beginning, which pulled me right in. I liked how you tackled the subject of death. Very original, I think.

I have only one tiny suggestion, and that would be:

-> Rules. A vague description? Something in likes of what you did with pain - that was a nice touch, and I would like to see that done, more or less, with “rules”.

I don’t have anything else (constructive, that is, because paeans can always be repeated) to say. I loved your description, I loved how this piece was written, how the facts were portrayed.

KJ - Lovely.


Cheers,
Esme




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Whew. Edited as of 6-22-09. It's been so long since I've worked on this; I'm really excited to get back into the plot. Hope you guys enjoy the rewrite. I made the MC older, so if any of you decide to keep reading the other chapters they're as of yet unchanged; I'm working on them. Be mean! Nitpicks, please!



flamin hot cool ranch doritos say a lot about the duality of man
— dissonance