Medium Line Chpt 1

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Chapter 1




“Without thinking, Chei darted into the open and sprinted into the dark undergrowth, dodging a heavy barrage of bullets. As he crawled over to where Payne had fallen, the hail of deadly ammunition stopped and an eerie silence rocked his eardrums from the intense noise that had abruptly ceased.
'Find him!' An angry and slightly intoxicated voice sounded. 'I wan’ him dead!' His annunciation was slurred somewhat but his words still fairly clear.
At that Chei hurriedly crawled over to Payne whom he could barely see in the dim light cast by the moon. Chei lifted one of Payne’s arms over his neck and realized just how badly his friend was hurt. Blood was seeping through his jacket and his whole left shoulder darkened with the crimson fluid. Chei was slightly impressed though; Payne wasn’t making a single sound and his facial expression was just as stolid as always.
'Do you need help wrapping that?' Chei asked after they had managed to get away from Captain Blue and his gang of bounty hunters. He tried not to grin but it was pretty funny to watch Payne bend and struggle to wrap his shoulder with one hand. To ensure he wouldn’t laugh Chei diverted his attention to the small embers, which had scarcely begun to spread on the firewood. The fire was small and didn’t give off too much light, or heat for that matter, but it was enough to last them the night.
Payne was still having difficulties wrapping his shoulder that a bullet had grazed, but when Chei offered to help again, Payne only peered up at Chei for a moment or two with an unreadable expression and kept on at his work.
Chei rolled his eyes, wondering why he even bothered, and reached over for his canteen. Taking a swig, he looked up at the stars for a moment, thinking he could handle it, but then looked away as memories of grief slowly began settling on his heart like dust on a table.
'When is all going to stop?' Chei asked, watching the small embers that seemed to slow down as soon as he said those words left his lips. Everything feel silent, even the trickle of the creek, and a shiver drove up Chei’s spine. His skin tingled because of his boldness to speak about it openly.
Payne surprised him by answering. 'I don’t know,' he said. 'As soon as the—




A hand covered the blank page; the index finger stopped my pencil from writing down the next word. With a sigh, I didn’t even bother looking up at my teacher, Mr. Crock, as I leaned away from my journal which was swiftly taken from my desk and set at the bottom of the chalkboard.
Kids turned around in their chairs and stared at me, some with the I-can’t-believe-it-this-is-the-second-time-this-week look while others gave me the classic I’m-so-much-more-superior-than-you-you’re-lame stare.
And the worst part of it is—Jason ogled at me like I was some sort of alien who had rabbis or something and was foaming at the mouth.
Normally I didn’t blush because this sort of thing happened on a regular basis, me getting caught writing a story during class and whatnot, but I could feel the intense heat mercilessly scorning my face more so than when I ate red peppers. My guess was probably because Jason never acknowledged my existence until for some odd reason this particular moment, which wasn’t my most glorious to say the least, though it was routine.
I made sure to avoid Jason’s gaze as I sent the other kids a look-away-or-else¬ glare.
Last edited by Shallowdepth on Mon Aug 04, 2008 4:30 am, edited 1 time in total.
"When a thought takes one's breath away, a grammar lesson seems an impertienence."
~Thomas W. Higginson




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OMGosh!

This was soooo good! Especially the begining when she's writing the story!
I loved how you did that. It's like the beginning of a movie or something. Very creative, well I've seen people do it before, but I love how you wrote that.


And the her getting caught in class, loved it.


Write more, I'm already hooked, ;)
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. :)




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Nice. I like how you began with her writing a story in class. That is so me! However, this was very short, and we don't know much about these characters. We know that the narrator loves to write, has gotten in trouble for writing in class repeatedly, is probably not the most popular person in school, and she probably has a little crush on a guy named Jason. About Jason, we know nothing except that he has never noticed the main character like that before. We mostly only know about the characters in the MC's story. Since this is the first chapter, we should pretty much have the main character(s) established so that we understand them. I should be able to know if the MC is shy or outgoing, cautious or a daredevil, what they look like, what they talk like, etc. I mean, don't tell everything, just enough that we can get attached to the character and know what we're going to be dealing with for the rest of the story. Although, for me, I am already attached to your MC because she's like me, well, so far.

You also had a few typos, which I am too lazy to point out right now, except for rabbis are the chief religious officials of a synagogue, and rabies is an infectious disease of dogs, cats, and other animals, transmitted to humans by the bite of an infected animal and usually fatal if prophylactic treatment is not administered (yes I looked it up on dictionary.com). You choose which word you mean.

I do like it, though. I'm interested to see what's going to happen. This is the stasis, and I am looking forward to the trigger! (Please excuse my nerdness.) Keep writing more!




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No no no no no! I want to know what happened in the story she was writing!!!!!
Your use of words and your ability to get the reader totally involved in the story is spectacular. As a beginning writer, I am very interested in seeing more posts from you.



the only theft here is of decency when carina decided to rob me of my pride and put me on a banana
— veeren