Paranoia, Ch.1 /P

Removed.

"I can put it back [s]it[/s] if you like."

The driver grunted out his reasons for passage when the Officer said: "Sir, have you seen two young boys? They went missing around London Way. It seems they may have disappeared into your cart."

Dang, those things are observant.

Ain't seen no boys today, and ain't none gotten in my cart. [s]Not today, not ever.[/[/s]b] Now let me pass ya stupid metal scrap."

The bolded line sounds kind of cartoonish.

She was very different than when Will had[b] lost seen her

Typo. *points*

Overall, I love this story. I can think of no nitpicks or qualms I have with it, and though I had questions about things I was never confused about anything.

This is just wonderful, and I hope you have more/will post more. I love the world you've created here. C:

Brad!

Grammar and First Impressions

...or else he'd be the little brother nobody remembered, and that was not happening.

This was cute. xD

Adults weren't always trustworthy, after all.

Awesome. XD

...and two optic sensors above that [s]that [/s]which let it "see" the rooms it was to sweep.

"I can put it back [s]it[/s] if you like."

They lay in the fruit and the sound of the horses and the other's breathing for a long while before the driver approached the gate to the West Quarter.

They lay in the fruit. That makes sense, but the rest of the underlined portion doesn't to me. A slight rewrite of it should do the trick. ^^

She was very different than when Will had lost seen her.

Lost: No longer to be found
Last: Most recent; latest

"Ow," Tok said.

Excellent. XD

That must have been another difference between her and Central:

Her: Objective case of she
Here: This place; this spot

They were now well away from the populated hub they had met Alex in and [s]approaching [/s]approached a large stone wall.

Overall

This was excellent!

You're probably already realizing how useless I'm going to be right now. XD I love this story. Your imagery is so wonderful described and easy to picture, and the society is so unique and interesting to read about. Very creative, 'course I'm one of those geeks. XD

I wish I had something specific to nit-pick. The three kiddos were well-introduced, each being different and unique to the others, and the robots were awesomely represented as.. well, robots. This was fantastic, and I can't wait to read more. ^_^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

This was awesome! At first when I looked at it I was thinking about how long it was but then...it ended so soon. I need more! You've got many...elements in this story that I don't understand (not meant to understand just yet) reminds me of Ch. how it introduces all of these things that no one knows but then slowly reveals what they are in time. I like . Now hurry up and write the next one so I can find out! ...Please.

P.S. mostly looking foreward to finding out what this "feeling" implies and also what The Drug is. Already action and robot things and sneakiness just in the beginning. Can't wait the second post.

~Rieda

I would only change your choice of words in some areas of this piece. Other than that I thought the overall product came out nice. Also, watch your grammer spelling...but I guess you can edit through all that on your own.
The underlined words are those which I think should be changed...just my opinion, no hard feelings...please don't hate me =P
It was really only the first paragraph that caught my attention as a major errorized spot...haha, errorized. Well anywho, keep up the great work! I hope to see more of what you got dude!

Just a few more minutes, and summer vacation would be upon Will and his classmates? [s]them[/s]It wasn't just any summer vacation; it was the summer vacation of their fifteenth year. Will had remembered his brother talking about how much fun he had his fifteenth year. He told Will how he and his best friend even managed to sneak over to the Lake without getting caught, but it's still unknown whether or not that actually happened.

The last sentence is only a sugestion...I would just use somthing other than parenthesis...

The bell suddenly chirped in their ears and the seat straps fell limp around their bodies as the underground machine heaved with a gigantic sigh.

"Tok!" Will said, slightly cringing at how other people must have heard him. "Has the reader finished?"


Will and Tok emerged from the school relatively sp(unscathed).

This is excellent! When I read the first sentence, I thought it was in the present-day at a normal school, but as I kept reading, I found it was certainly not what I expected! You did a wonderful job at describing the robots without just saying, "There was a robot." You also gave just enough information that we know something is very different about this setting and can, for the most part, understand it, but still left some to be revealed. I want to read more!

I can't find many things wrong that haven't already been addressed. However, there is one little thing:

She had grown several inches, and her white-blonde hair had grown itself to right between her shoulder blades, but there was no mistaking her laughter.

I don't think you need to put the bolded word. You could just say, "Her white-blonde hair had grown to right between her shoulder blades." I also changed "blond" to "blonde," because it's feminine when it has an "e" and masculine without it.

Overall, I am really loving this story. I cannot wait to read more!

Buh-rad!

You know how much I love Will--even though it's just the beginning of the story, I can tell why you chose him as the narrator. He's not overbearing enough to dissuade me from checking out his world, but he's not too much of a doormat that I don't care about him. He's the perfect observer, and I like him from the first paragraph.

New Paris is also a cool character in itself. With the Sweepers and the canopied streets, you managed to do the intangible futuristic utopia without making it cartoonish or simply a copy of 1984, the Twilight Zone, etc. That's a feat in itself, especially when you're writing for kids.

Minxtique?

DIALOGUE YOGA

I know, I know, I whine about dialogue all the time. But you've proven to me with Foreign Markets that you can write dialogue that is flexible and flows well, so I have proof if you whine. *pets*

The thing that bugs me about children's lit, usually, is the fact that the dialogue is stiff--and not that kind of stiff. It's joyless, and formal, which is weird because kids are terrible butchers of the English language, and yet they create most of the new words and slang. In a way, it's exuberance that allows the language to grow, and that's something that "grown-ups" don't portray quite the right way.

A few basic tips for revision:

- Omit words, especially helping verbs. "Have the readers started?" = "The readers started yet?"

- It helps dialogue flow if not every exchange has an action or a tag to go with it. Shrugging, pointing, etc. happens an unnatural amount in Will/Tok exchanges. If they're especially animated, mention it, but animated conversations often lend themselves to going quickly between speakers.

- You don't have to be grammatically correct. Save your pretty sentences for the narration--since your narration is kind of heavy and obviously "adult", the contrast between the narration and the dialogue will help your characters pop out even more. This contrast is important in character development, as well as just setting the mood for exchanges.

GUESS WHAT?!

Especially at the beginning, where Will is reading, you throw in the description of the New Paris technology when it goes haywire, and not when it's a part of the scenery. If he's belted to his seat, it's easier to envision the straps falling off if we know they were there in the first place. Otherwise, I'm envisioning basic-suburban-desks, when really it's a complex system that could have its own book.

Establishing a setting--even if it's just a passing reference to shapes and colors--helps to clarify what's going on, especially when you're using a setting that no one has ever seen.

__

See? I get to things...eventually.

Everyone covered everything. Good story, good job.

-Always

I think I'm already excited to read the next part (which may already be up, I haven't checked). A few things I noted though were -


Just a few more minutes, and summer vacation would be upon them—and not just any summer vacation. "and not just any summer vacation" sounds way too cliche. Change it, or leave it out.

there were still people who believed the lies of history…. Heh. Sounds like typical humans (if they are that... hmm...) to me =D Love it.

"We just go and then turn right and then left," Tok said. "Right?" You're missing something after "We just go" I'm not sure if it's "up here, down there" but somethings missing from after those words.

Now I'm off to check for more!