Run, Fat Boy, Run! Day 3

Here is Day Three! A change of heart is in store for our overweight Fat Boy. Hopefully, within the week, he can organize himself enough to set up a routine. But nah, I would spoil nothing.

Enjoy.

-

Day Three


It’s just… not working out. This whole… ‘I’m gonna live better’ lifestyle. It’s impossible for me to keep up with it! I just… I don’ t know what to do.

Every night I write in this journal, and every night I go to sleep in tears. I’ve just suddenly realized how horrible my life has been. Not necessarily just my eating habits but also my entire life. I’m slowly destroying it, step by step. Think of it like a cookie. There are tons of ingredients to make a hot, steamy cookie. Each one of those ingredients is a part of my life.

For example, sugar could be my school. Stress, homework, and gym – it just all gets tossed in with some flour, which is my family. You have to beat them together – mixing and swirling – in order to add the rest of my life in: church, food and television.

After furiously twisting the wooden spoon ruthlessly, you find that you’ve snapped it in half just as you would a small twig. Then you would sigh and grab another spoon to start mixing life. It’s just so frustrating that no matter what I do, the spoon always breaks.

Oh my gosh. I just related my life to food. That’s all I ever think about.

Seriously, I need to get a life and quick.

There’s something stirring within me, and no, it’s not that breakable wooden spoon. I think that it’s God.

I believe in Him, I guess. Well… I go to church every week. I know that He’s up there… it’s just… He’s not down here with me. He’s supposed to help me, isn’t He? Whenever I pray, He’s supposed to answer me and give me all that I need.

Isn’t that the way Heaven works? You pray and He gives? I don’t know anymore. Nothing is making sense. I need to rethink my life. I need to start over – clean the slate. I need to cut down on my eating. I need to exercise.

I need you. I need your help, whoever is reading this. Someday – whenever that may be – I would very much like to publish this and get the kids my age that are facing the same difficulties as me to read this. I know, deep within me, that I’m not alone.

I’m not the only Fat Boy.

But I am alone for now. Please… God… you… whoever is reading this. Help me. I’ll try my best. I’ll eat right. I’ll try and work out. I know that it’s not going to be easy, but there has to be some way for me to look like those models in the magazines. There has to be some way for me to be thin.

Look at that word. Thin. It’s much more pleasant than fat. ‘Cause when you’re fat, you become the Fat Boy.

Run, Fat Boy, because you're gonna need it.

-

I'm not quite sure about the underlined portion. I'm trying to decide whether it should be:

Run, Fat Boy, run, because you're gonna need it.


Or should I leave it as is?

Comments? Suggestions?

-Jared

This is good. The internal conflict is really evident and very well done and it contributes towards this work very well. This character appears to be very real and that is very refreshing in fiction. kudos.

Hiya! ^^

Every night I write in this journal, and every night I go to sleep in tears.

Not necessarily just my eating habits, [no comma] but also my entire life.

I’m slowly destroying it, [dash instead] step by step.

Stress, homework, and gym – it just all gets tossed in with some flour, which is my family.

Underlined: Looks like you're listing them as separate items. Adjust the first two so it looks like it's one entire item. Stress -- homework, or Stress is homework.

Isn’t that the way [s]that [/s]Heaven works?

I need your help, whoever is reading this.

I'm coming for you, buddy-boy! *reaches out*

I know, deep within me, that I’m not alone.

I know that it’s not going to be easy, but there has to be some way for me to look like those models in the magazines.

Run, Fat Boy, run, [no comma] because you’re gonna to change your life today.

And I actually like your second one: Run, Fat Boy, run, because you're gonna need it. It kind of leaves a hint of humor-ish whatevers -- a tone. The other one seems a bit too deep and goose-bumpy for this story. Just my opinion, and it's horribly described.

I hope I helped. This is going along very well! This entry was a little...weird, but it's a real journal entry, so I can't complain. We suddenly went from story-telling to religious beliefs. That was just different, I guess.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

BBB, I'm starting to like this, and like Jabber, I like the second ending better.
A suggestion:

"Oh my gosh. I just related my life to food. That’s all I ever think about."

The cookie comparison was good but this line spoiled it. I can imagine a fat boy going about his thinning with a kind of quiet determination. And I think that would fit better. Even in his own diary, where he can be expressive, it would be nice to see him going about it with silence....I mean no desperate emotional wordings like the above line. Just a suggestion though. Thanks for the read...

Why so short? ( Still, it was a very nice ending.

You showed how the fat boy slowly began to not only dream of being thin, but believing he could do it. That's really how things change. And it might not be immediately, but they do.

This had a very nice touch to it in the sense that you made the character real, three-dimensional. And that's why this story deserves a gold star

Very good! There wasn't anything really to shred.

It’s just… not working out. This whole… ‘I’m gonna live better’ lifestyle. It’s impossible for me to keep up with it! I just… I don’ t know what to do.

I'd suggest taking out all these ellipses. They just bog it down.

Think of it like a cookie. There are tons of ingredients to make a hot, steamy cookie. Each one of those ingredients is a part of my life.

For example, sugar could be my school. Stress, homework, and gym – it just all gets tossed in with some flour, which is my family. You have to beat them together – mixing and swirling – in order to add the rest of my life in: church, food and television.

After furiously twisting the wooden spoon ruthlessly, you find that you’ve snapped it in half just as you would a small twig. Then you would sigh and grab another spoon to start mixing life. It’s just so frustrating that no matter what I do, the spoon always breaks.

Oh my gosh. I just related my life to food. That’s all I ever think about.

Great metaphor, or whatever picture-thing it is. And I personally like the last line ^_^


Nice! This is very enjoyable and easy to read (have I said this before? >.< )

ahh, i like it.
the internal conflict is good .
touching.

Hiya!

don’ t

There's a space between the contraction and 't'.

Seriously, I need to get a life and quick.

I would stick in a comma after 'life'.

I would very much like to publish this

A bit of post-modernism? lol, but seriously though, a good paragraph

Run, Fat Boy, because you're gonna need it.

-

I'm not quite sure about the underlined portion. I'm trying to decide whether it should be:

Run, Fat Boy, run, because you're gonna need it.

Ye, I agree that the second one flows a bit better. The repetition is more effective and it relates to the title.

I enjoyed that once again! Quite short, but I thought the metaphor was great, and I disagree with Palatalid, that line was very clever.

Well done, I look forward to more as usual!
-Mark

Hello again!

Same format as always.




Highlighted Comments

1. Suggestion: ‘It’s not working out.’ I don’t like the ellipses…
2. This seems to contradict all the ellipses. Just talking softly, sadly, then yelling, then soft again?
3. I’d ditch this – you’re repeating ‘just’ too much.
4. I’d also ditch this.
5. I’d make this a new paragraph.
6. This is confusing me. At first I thought this was a different ingredient than sugar. Rewording, please? (Also, I’d ditch the ‘and.’
7. Suggestion: all just.
8. Pick one: furiously or ruthlessly.
9. I’d ditch ‘then.’
10. I really don’t like this sentence. Rewording to lengthen it, maybe?
11. A little odd. Does the spoon break because it’s frustrating, or is it frustrating that it always breaks?
12. Look at this again: for the rest, you were saying ‘you.’ Now you’ve switched?
13. I really don’t like this. Can’t he say ‘God?’ Or swear? Or…something?
14. I’d ditch this word.
15. Don’t like this…I’d ditch it.
16. Looks like you already chose one! Don’t forget to edit out the underlined part. ;P

Overall Comments

I think you like using extra words. ;P

I actually liked the first sentence better – it seems to relate to the current topic more. But, in either case, I would definitely use ‘cause instead of because. It flows so much better.

Again, I loved it. Simple yet amazing. Just look at the ingredients – you get a little confusing.

PM me with questions/more for me to review/edited pieces/boredom/the next piece.

~JFW1415

How come you always get the best reviews ever? Ugh. No one ever critiques me.

Anyway, best part so far! I am in love with this story! It rocks my socks!

I love the whole religion thing. I think that it makes Fatty here seem really developed. He's so unique in his own way. I love it, I love it, I love it. It was truely amazing.

So.. uh... critiques... well, I already told you what I think about it at school...

Yeah. Amazingness.

:Sythe:

Bear - day three, here I come. Yes, I always need the intros, but since that has been taken care of, let’s move on to the critique.


Quote:
This whole… ‘I’m gonna live better’ lifestyle.
Scrap the eclipses.


Quote:
Not necessarily just my eating habits but also my entire life.
That sounds awkward. “not necessarily just”… hmm. Comma, I think.


Quote:
Then you would sigh and grab another spoon to start mixing life.
In the sentence above, there is no “would”. If it’s not there, it can’t be here, and if it’s here, then it has to be there.


Quote:
Oh my gosh. I just related my life to food. That’s all I ever think about.
Heh.


Quote:
I know that He’s up there… it’s just… He’s not down here with me.
Good one.


O. That’s all. See, it flowed so well that the abruption of the realization that it ended is a compliment itself. But, you’ve kept your style - no changes there, and that’s good. I like it. The MC is as good as ever, and the cookie and life analogy I loved. The part about God was good, too.


Cheers,
Esme

Sorry for the lateness, I'm having real trouble editing this chapter. it's hard to find things that are wrong with it, frankly. XD

You're doing a great job with this story. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'll say again that I reallly like your narrative voice and word choice, and your character is very likable.

It’s just… not working out. This whole… ‘I’m gonna live better’ lifestyle. It’s impossible for me to keep up with it! I just… I don’ t know what to do.

The repetition of "just" here sounds a little odd... You might want to rephrase this bit.

Also, (and please don't get upset, I don't mean to sound harsh, really!) I realized something while I was re-reading this: the story never seems to go in to anything other than the weight loss problem. I mean, I presume you're trying to show us that there's more to your MC than his weight, but he never talks about anything except that... you know? Even his relationships with other characters always seem to be all about his weight problem. I mean, he's a really great and well-developed character, but I think he would be 100x more realistic if the diary entries occasionally ventured into something else, anything else. I'm sure the MC has a hobby, or a favorite class, or something he dwells on other than his appearance. I get that the need to lose weight is the theme and all, but... I dunno. Maybe I'm just deluded, huh? ^_^

And obviously, it's still early in the story, so maybe I'm demanding too much, too soon...

Again, really sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, it's just a suggestion. You don't have to listen to me, obviously. ^^; After all, since when do I know what I'm talking about?

Uh... I don't think the cookie analogy works. Sorry, but I don't see how mixing a bowl of cookie dough relates to life, but maybe I'm just not in a metaphorical mood right now. Anyway, on to the comments. At this point it would be beneficial to externalize. All FB's internal conflict is good for the two first chapters, but readers will lose interest unless they know what's going on in the outside world. A good trick with first person writing is drop "I" narration and act like you're writing from 3rd as FB describes what happens around him.
So please, more! We can only learn more about FB from the way he interacts with the world, not just with himself.
On the bright side, this story is very fun and easy to read. I'm on to part four right now.

Hey. This is slowly becoming my secret pleasure

Every night I write in this journal, and every night I go to sleep in tears.

The meaning of this sentence didn't quite open to me. Yeah... what do you exactly mean by this? Is it possible to reword it so it would become clearer?

Oh my gosh. I just related my life to food. That’s all I ever think about.

That's funny I only think "That seems to be all I ever think about" would fit the tone better. What do you say?


This was kind of short. And the God thing just hits the reader in the face, it comes so suddenly. I don't know what to do about it, though. But it's great that the MC shows some depth, and thinks something else than himself and food Keep writing, and I'll keep reading.


Demeter xx