The Hell Of College- Chapter 1

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In this story I talk from the POV of a nineteen year old female freshman in college and the hell she experiences there...

Here's Chapter 1!

Chapter 1: The First Few Days

I waved goodbye to my mother for one last time as her car pool pulled up and the driver of the car honked the car's horn. "19 and in college," my mother thought. "I raised her well," she also thought whilst sobbing.

I was also sobbing while she pulled away from her home, where she spent the first 19 years of her life.

Coincidentally, today was my nineteenth birthday which made me extra sad. But after a few hours of travelling towards the college she was fine.
They pulled up towards the college which I was flabbergasted by the size.

"Here it is, UCLA", my future roommate said to me "Wow" I thought to myself.
"Come on, let me show you around", Kelly said. "You're so lucky you got here today, you are just in time for freshman orientation.
"Hi, I'm your D.A. or dormitory advisor Molly, your dorm rules are posted up on your dorm door,” she said.


"Oh no, whiny bitch alert", Molly said. "Who is that?” I asked quizzically. "Veronica Wilkerson," Kelly said, "Is the most spoiled whiny, bitch-ass rich brat in this school. She is a member of a sorority made up of all queen bees. Her father actually paid the Board of Admissions to get her big whiny brat ass over here" Kelly went on.

"Hey, I have a plan to bring Veronica's brat pack whimpering down to the hard ground" I started. "We will have to do it on dormitory orientation night which is in... two weeks" I continued.
"The plan is we will start a rival sorority to hers, start a few bitchy catfights, win, and that will bring her college popularity status as a college sorority leader bitch crashing to the ground.” I said cruelly. I slept peacefully until 7:30 AM until my roommate Kelly, blasted me with a dose of an air horn on the day that classes were to begin.

At 8:00 AM on the dot, I arrived at my 1st class of the college year, Geographical History. My teacher was a very prudent man named Mr. Finkelstein. He was black-haired, gravelly voiced, and had a no-nonsense approach in his class.

“ Ms. Pinkston, you’re early, how nice, it’s a pure invigorating refreshment to see a student come in so early… it’s the opposite that I usually get… Late students… 15 minutes late JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO GET THEIR LITTLE FRIENDS AND THEMSELVES A CUP OF COFFEE JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BE “ENERGIZED” FOR MY CLASS… WELL, HERE’S MY ADVICE TO THOSE MISCREANTS, HAVE A HEALTHY BREAKFAST AND GET SOME SLEEP INSTEAD OF BLINDLY CRAMMING FOR AN EXAM WHICH THEY WILL MOST LIKELY FAIL! But… I am sure you, yourself, do that, do you, Ms. Pinkston?” He said, yelled and asked while writing the day’s lesson on his two-way whiteboard, pacing, and looking at me with intent.

“No, sir… I certainly do not do that AT ALL” I said.
“Good” Mr. Finkelstein said…
“Sir, could you please explain what the purpose of this class is as well as everything else, like, the grading structure, how we learn in this class, and other things too, I am afraid I am a bit confused.” I said.

Why certainly, Ms. Pinkston.” Finkelstein said.
“You see I do your grades like this, 10% for the world’s countries’ history papers you will be doing weekly, 20% for your basic run-of-the-mill homework assignments, 30% for tests, and 40% for research papers I will assign twice every quarter of every year, one at the beginning and one at the end” Finkelstein said.

“The purpose of this class is to delve into history by the world’s continents and its countries too” Mr. Finkelstein said.

“Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Thank you” I said.
“Anytime” Mr. Finkelstein said.

The bell rang at 8:30 am.
All the students piled into the class room like a stampede of rhinoceros.
“Today class,” Mr. Finkelstein began, we are going to begin in Eurasia, in Ancient Greece, in the time of gladiators and philosophers,” He finished.
“Oooh, the class cooed.
“Oooh, indeed” Finkelstein coyly replied.

Classes roughly last about forty five minutes to one hour fifteen minutes.
When the bell rang, I sighed with relief because I had not found any morons in my classes. Yet.
My next class was Philosophy.

We basically talked about Aristotle and shit.
We had no homework so far.
My next class is English. Oh joy.

English bores me, A LOT.
My third class is Literary Discussion which also, is now my favorite class because we get to delve into the writer’s mind and we get to debate what the writer was thinking when he or she was thinking when he or she wrote that particular scene as we are reading one of the writer’s books.
My fourth and fifth classes are math and social studies. SNORE.
Then I have lunch at the cafeteria.
I had pizza, French Fries, a salad, and a chocolate mocha chip ice cream sundae. Mmmmmmmmmm, mmmmmmmmm.

My sixth and seventh classes are Science and Gym. SNORE.
My eighth and final class before I pick my afterclass clubs and/or electives is… MUSIC. SNORE.

As much as I would like to hear an off key, out of tune, off beat, and off tempo version of Pachelbel’s Canon In D Minor played by about… seventy five violins, a cello, and a hell of a lot more instruments… I would rather have my ears cut off with a fucking CHAINSAW and go deaf, than hear again what I heard today…

Well on to my electives… I picked Creative Writing, Academic League, Debate and Choir.

Just as I walked in to do my HW and socialize with my dorm mates, I walk in and see that that bitch Veronica has trashed my room…
“Well, Veronica, I guess that this means war…” I thought to myself…

The next four days were filled with the same thing… Geographical History, Philosophy, Lit Diss., Math, Social Studies, Lunch, Science, Gym, Music with that same god awful version of Canon, electives, homework, socialization, TV, and sleep.

Any critiques?
Reviews?




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Reviews 410
Hey there and welcome to the site!

I waved goodbye to my mother for one last time as her car pool pulled up and the driver of the car honked the car's horn

'Pool' has no relevance to the sentence. Scrap it.

"19 and in college," my mother thought. "I raised her well," she also thought whilst sobbing.

As your story is in first person, it doesn't really work to have the mother's thoughts. How would you know what your mum was thinking unless you're a mind reader? Either get rids of this or change the person that your story is in.

I was also sobbing while she pulled away from her home, where she spent the first 19 years of her life

This completely confuses me. Who is 'she'? I think you've accidentally swapped persons.

Coincidentally, today was my nineteenth birthday which made me extra sad. But after a few hours of traveling towards the college she was fine.
They pulled up towards the college which I was flabbergasted by the size.

Doesn't make sense again as you swap persons. Also, the last sentence needs punctuation and more words in it to make it complete.

"Here it is, UCLA", my future roommate said to me "Wow" I thought to myself.
"Come on, let me show you around", Kelly said. "You're so lucky you got here today, you are just in time for freshman orientation.
"Hi, I'm your D.A. or dormitory advisor Molly, your dorm rules are posted up on your dorm door,” she said.

Some of your punctuation here is all over the place and you don't clearly show the reader who is talking when and you introduce your characters without really showing who is who. Remember, we can't see what you can see when you write this.

"Hey, I have a plan to bring Veronica's brat pack whimpering down to the hard ground" I started. "We will have to do it on dormitory orientation night which is in... two weeks" I continued.
"The plan is we will start a rival sorority to hers, start a few bitchy catfights, win, and that will bring her college popularity status as a college sorority leader bitch crashing to the ground.” I said cruelly.

Whoa! Very sudden, a bit unrealistic and to be honest highly weird. There seems no motive to this and I'm struggling to believe your characters.

BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO GET THEIR LITTLE FRIENDS AND THEMSELVES A CUP OF COFFEE JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BE “ENERGIZED” FOR MY CLASS… WELL, HERE’S MY ADVICE TO THOSE MISCREANTS, HAVE A HEALTHY BREAKFAST AND GET SOME SLEEP INSTEAD OF BLINDLY CRAMMING FOR AN EXAM WHICH THEY WILL MOST LIKELY FAIL

Italics would be better here than blocks.

Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,

Very unnecessary.

Classes roughly last about forty five minutes to one hour fifteen minutes.
When the bell rang, I sighed with relief because I had not found any morons in my classes. Yet.
My next class was Philosophy.

This and the next three paragraphs are just pure info dumping and add nothing to your plot.

Just as I walked in to do my HW and socialize with my dorm mates, I walk in and see that that bitch Veronica has trashed my room…
“Well, Veronica, I guess that this means war…” I thought to myself…

Erm, sudden. How does the character know that it was Veronica? Very, very sudden.

OK, overall this lacked description, structure and plot. Try to make the reader absorbed by your tale. You have potential and this could be whipped into a good story.

Keep writing,
Alainna
xxx
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

Got YWS?




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at the beginning it kinda seems like u keep forgetting that you were writing in the 1st person...

8) 8) 8) 8) 8) Now for a very Nikki like remark.....(note this is a joke) u need 2 get some magic and samuri swords in that, and ummm deamons it needs more deamons!!!! o yeah AND killing needs more samuri sword related killing!!!!!! lololololol jkjkjkjkjk JUST KIDDING!!!!! lol
:P :P :P :P :P :P :P




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Alainna wrote:Hey there and welcome to the site!

I waved goodbye to my mother for one last time as her car pool pulled up and the driver of the car honked the car's horn

'Pool' has no relevance to the sentence. Scrap it.

"19 and in college," my mother thought. "I raised her well," she also thought whilst sobbing.

As your story is in first person, it doesn't really work to have the mother's thoughts. How would you know what your mum was thinking unless you're a mind reader? Either get rids of this or change the person that your story is in.

I was also sobbing while she pulled away from her home, where she spent the first 19 years of her life

This completely confuses me. Who is 'she'? I think you've accidentally swapped persons.

Coincidentally, today was my nineteenth birthday which made me extra sad. But after a few hours of traveling towards the college she was fine.
They pulled up towards the college which I was flabbergasted by the size.

Doesn't make sense again as you swap persons. Also, the last sentence needs punctuation and more words in it to make it complete.

"Here it is, UCLA", my future roommate said to me "Wow" I thought to myself.
"Come on, let me show you around", Kelly said. "You're so lucky you got here today, you are just in time for freshman orientation.
"Hi, I'm your D.A. or dormitory advisor Molly, your dorm rules are posted up on your dorm door,” she said.

Some of your punctuation here is all over the place and you don't clearly show the reader who is talking when and you introduce your characters without really showing who is who. Remember, we can't see what you can see when you write this.

"Hey, I have a plan to bring Veronica's brat pack whimpering down to the hard ground" I started. "We will have to do it on dormitory orientation night which is in... two weeks" I continued.
"The plan is we will start a rival sorority to hers, start a few bitchy catfights, win, and that will bring her college popularity status as a college sorority leader bitch crashing to the ground.” I said cruelly.

Whoa! Very sudden, a bit unrealistic and to be honest highly weird. There seems no motive to this and I'm struggling to believe your characters.

BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO GET THEIR LITTLE FRIENDS AND THEMSELVES A CUP OF COFFEE JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BE “ENERGIZED” FOR MY CLASS… WELL, HERE’S MY ADVICE TO THOSE MISCREANTS, HAVE A HEALTHY BREAKFAST AND GET SOME SLEEP INSTEAD OF BLINDLY CRAMMING FOR AN EXAM WHICH THEY WILL MOST LIKELY FAIL

Italics would be better here than blocks.

Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,

Very unnecessary.

Classes roughly last about forty five minutes to one hour fifteen minutes.
When the bell rang, I sighed with relief because I had not found any morons in my classes. Yet.
My next class was Philosophy.

This and the next three paragraphs are just pure info dumping and add nothing to your plot.

Just as I walked in to do my HW and socialize with my dorm mates, I walk in and see that that bitch Veronica has trashed my room…
“Well, Veronica, I guess that this means war…” I thought to myself…

Erm, sudden. How does the character know that it was Veronica? Very, very sudden.

OK, overall this lacked description, structure and plot. Try to make the reader absorbed by your tale. You have potential and this could be whipped into a good story.

xxx


Ditto. :D
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf.




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Reviews 516
To be honest, this story was very boring. I'm not going to go through it all and tell you every little thing you did wrong, since Alainna pretty much covered it, but I will point out a few things that really bugged me.

I waved goodbye to my mother for one last time as her car pool pulled up and the driver of the car honked the car's horn. "19 and in college," my mother thought. "I raised her well," she also thought whilst sobbing.


Your character cannot know what her mother is thinking if it's being written in first person.

"Hey, I have a plan to bring Veronica's brat pack whimpering down to the hard ground" I started. "We will have to do it on dormitory orientation night which is in... two weeks" I continued.
"The plan is we will start a rival sorority to hers, start a few bitchy catfights, win, and that will bring her college popularity status as a college sorority leader bitch crashing to the ground.”


First of all, she oesn't even know the girl. Second, this is the typical American college TV show plot, and it's not interesting.

JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO GET THEIR LITTLE FRIENDS AND THEMSELVES A CUP OF COFFEE JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BE “ENERGIZED” FOR MY CLASS… WELL, HERE’S MY ADVICE TO THOSE MISCREANTS, HAVE A HEALTHY BREAKFAST AND GET SOME SLEEP INSTEAD OF BLINDLY CRAMMING FOR AN EXAM WHICH THEY WILL MOST LIKELY FAIL!


I highly doubt a teacher would explode like this in front of a student.

Classes roughly last about forty five minutes to one hour fifteen minutes.
When the bell rang, I sighed with relief because I had not found any morons in my classes. Yet.
My next class was Philosophy.

We basically talked about Aristotle and shit.
We had no homework so far.
My next class is English. Oh joy.

English bores me, A LOT.
My third class is Literary Discussion which also, is now my favorite class because we get to delve into the writer’s mind and we get to debate what the writer was thinking when he or she was thinking when he or she wrote that particular scene as we are reading one of the writer’s books.
My fourth and fifth classes are math and social studies. SNORE.
Then I have lunch at the cafeteria.
I had pizza, French Fries, a salad, and a chocolate mocha chip ice cream sundae. Mmmmmmmmmm, mmmmmmmmm.

My sixth and seventh classes are Science and Gym. SNORE.
My eighth and final class before I pick my afterclass clubs and/or electives is… MUSIC. SNORE.

As much as I would like to hear an off key, out of tune, off beat, and off tempo version of Pachelbel’s Canon In D Minor played by about… seventy five violins, a cello, and a hell of a lot more instruments… I would rather have my ears cut off with a fucking CHAINSAW and go deaf, than hear again what I heard today…

Well on to my electives… I picked Creative Writing, Academic League, Debate and Choir.


There is nothing interesting in what you wrote here. It's all telling and no showing, and we don't need to know it. I'd scrap this entire bit, it's pointless.

Just as I walked in to do my HW and socialize with my dorm mates, I walk in and see that that bitch Veronica has trashed my room…
“Well, Veronica, I guess that this means war…” I thought to myself…


How does she know that Veronica messed up her stuff?

Overall, this story is cliche and quite boring. We've all seen this plot thousands of times, and the writing makes me want to cancel the page and read something else. You need to put in more description. Show, don't tell. And don't put in things that make absolutely no difference to the story.

Good luck, and PM me if you edit.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




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Points 890
Reviews 27
The others have said pretty much everything I wanted to say :D. Ditto the cliche. It doesn't really grab my attention, honestly.
They tell me I'm a lazy lump of waste.

I'm just too humble to show them my genius :D

Want a review? PM me!



hmmm. you know, the quote generator deserves some garlic bread
— SilverNight