Lessons From a Manikin (ch 1?)

What a pretty world it is! Look up, what do you see? Yes, yes exactly, it is just that. This is just that; like a dull show for toddlers asking questions that aren't rhetorical, but won't be answered.

Jamie felt like that her entire life. That her questions weren't being answered because no one thought they needed to be, because she was rather dull. Worse yet, she didn't realize the world was pretty. You could even say she got a shard of the goblin mirror in her eye.

Well, one day Jamie was walking along, staring at the ground, (certainly not up and all the Pretty) minding her own business as always, when-woah there, look out! She walked straight into a manikin.

Looking startled and more annoyed than she had the right to be considering it was her who wasn't watching where she was going Jamie apologized, "Oh, sorry, sorry, you all right?"

The manikin didn't like her tone, so answered thus, " ."

Jamie at that point realized it was a manikin, for only manikins are really able to answer what they are feeling uninhibited without fearing whether they will be thought of. You may think you are capable of this, but I'll tell you now: you're not.

With the realization it was a manikin Jamie first laughed at herself in case anyone was watching, knowing that the surest way to avoid embarrassment is to laugh at yourself, then she checked to see if anyone was around; no one was. The manikin looked at her self consciousness with unbridled scorn; Jamie didn't notice and began to wonder what a manikin was doing on the sidewalk just a block from her house.

Something strange then took over Jamie, something that rarely happens to everyday people who don't look up or see pretty, the people who were sheep in their last life, the urge to do something not typically perceived as normal. Taking a last look around to make sure she was alone, Jamie grabbed the manikin around the waist, and ran for home.

Thus Jamie took the first step to becoming the snowflake that teachers tell us we are all.


PLEASE REVIEW

Note: I don't do grammar, but you've got LOTS of mistakes. XD

Alright, right from the beginning you don't start off very strong. It reminds me of a middle schooler starting off an essay. The beginning and ending are the most important parts of a story, and any other writing piece for that matter. If you don't start out strong, then no one will want to even bother waiting for the ending to come. This could be one reason that you don't have many crits.

Of course, this does seem to be a curious piece. One must wonder why a girl would take a manikin o.O no one knows where it has been.....

I don't really have much to say--it's a short piece--but you can still use your words better. Don't just rely on one's curiousity to hook the reader to your story. This also seems to be more of a prologue, and not a first chapter. So I suggest in changing that.

Yep...that's about all I can really point out. Just a reminder to get someone to tell you all where all the run-ons are...

--meow

Very... full of humor.

Was this supposed to be a story? Because, no offense, I felt like it was just something randomly thrown together with no thought process at all.

Where's the plot? The characters? The setting?

I didn't... get it, to say in the least.

Very random. Thrown together at a sudden moment. However, I found this kind of interesting. The end part when she ran away with the manikin made me smile. Very funny...but I'm not sure if that was your purpose. Anyway, I think if you wanted to, you could stretch it out a bit and add a little bit more to the whole point of the story to make it more interesting.