Circus Pirates 1

Edited! I hope you enjoy it!

~Yoyo



Circus Pirates - Part 1

My name is Isabella Bailey and I am running away.

I have lived with my brother from age nine here at the Inn. He worked as busboy for years until he was allowed to serve behind the bar. Once I turned twelve, I was put to work as barmaid at night and waitress during the day. I am nineteen now, and he is twenty-six.

James has always been mean to me. I didn’t mind the threats and the beating. But what did make me finally leave was when he had tried to sell me as a prostitute. He told me one day that he had earned enough to buy me my own room across the hall from the room we shared now. But the night I moved my few belongings into the room, there was a man waiting for me, standing by the window.

He was big, unshaven, and very foul. I dropped my bundle of things on the floor and I heard my mother’s small porcelain vase shatter when he literally picked me up and kissed me. He then half carried and half dragged me across the room over to the bed where he threw me down violently. He began struggling to get his pants off and I took the opportunity to grab the brass candlestick off the nightstand and promptly proceeded to knock him out with it. He fell with a thud to the floor, his pants halfway down around his knees.

I went across the hall to where James was. I marched up to him and slapped him across the face. He shouted at me.

“What are you doing out of that room, Isabella Katherine Bailey?” he spat, his face turning a bright angry red. He dragged me back into the room and upon seeing his “customer” out cold, proceeded to beat me.

In between blows, I managed to say, “I… am not… your prostitute!”

When I awoke, it was pitch dark outside, and the inn was silent. I picked up my bruised and sore body and found my bundle of belongings still spilled on the floor near the door. I picked up my hair comb, which had been kicked across the room at some point. I left the useless, shattered pieces of my vase on the floor and I replaced the comb with the rest of my belongings. I then re-wrapped my bundle in the cloth and leather pouch, and I snuck out of the inn and I never looked back.

I was foolish for thinking I could make it across. But I was so desperate to get away; I was willing to change my plans somewhat. I had found a rowboat on the shore by the docks, and I had taken it.

The moon was high overhead when I first saw its grungy grey sails ahead of me near the horizon. It looked to be a safe merchant ship. I just hoped it wasn’t overrun by pirates or worse ghosts. I kept rowing, taking small breaks to get a sip from my canteen before realigning myself with the stars and rowing onwards.


I knew a little bit of navigating, having lived near a seaport all my life. But I still wasn’t quite sure if I was going in the right direction, let alone, where I was trying to go. I had finally made up my mind to cross with the ship ahead of me and see if they could help.
I could now see there were people on board and they had obviously spotted me. Arms were pointing and waving. I stood in my little rowboat and waved my arms at them, signaling help. This was hard to do with the waves being so large in the ocean in comparison to my tiny boat. A large wave slapped the side of my boat, sending me into the cold water unexpectedly. I hit my head on the latent oar floating in the water and blacked out for a second. I soon resurfaced for air, and being a decent swimmer, I slowly paddled my way towards the ship. I heard shouts of alarm from the merchant ship and I saw a figure dive into the water before the weight of my skirts dragged me under. I began wrestling my boots off underwater. I got one off and kicked fiercely to the surface to gasp for air. I sunk under again and got my other boot off.

As I came up for air again, I saw a man swimming a few feet away from me. I began ripping at my heavy skirts when I felt a pair of hands grab me and pulled me towards the surface. I wrestled in his grip

We sputtered to the surface and he shouted, “Are you alright?”

“My skirts!” I spat, still wrestling to get out of them. He let go of me and dove underwater. I felt something hard on my hip and I soon felt my skirts fall away under the waves. The man reemerged holding a knife and I gasped but clung to him anyways. We both swam back to the ship and climbed up the ladder that was lowered down the sides and I promptly fainted on the boat deck.

I must have been out for only a minute or so, because when I opened my eyes, hovering above me were many faces.

“Are you hurt?” I heard two voices ask me simultaneously.

“Huh? Uh, no,” I said, attempting to sit up. Arms pushed me back down.

“Whoa there, hon,” a husky female voice said. “You rest there; Harry said you hit your head with your little fall there.”

“No, I’m okay,” I mumbled. Then realizing where I was again, I immediately bolted upward, shouting, “Don’t hurt me! I can work!” I stood up on my own, dizzily.

The crowd of people backed away slowly, their eyes were wide. The sunlight of early morning was just beginning to tint the sails gold. A handsome man approached me. “We aren’t going to hurt you. And if you want to work, that can be arranges. Just put the knife down.” I looked at him. Knife? I thought. I looked down and in my hand, I viciously held the knife out that the man, my rescuer had used to cut off my skirts. I immediately dropped the knife, shocked. It clattered to the deck and the man bent to return it to its sheath in his boot.

Arms reached around me from behind and wrapped me in a blanket. Suddenly realizing how exhausted I was, I allowed myself to be led to a bunk where I slept.



*Here is Part 2! *

I enjoyed this

But, there was so much going on I had a hard time keeping up. First she's rowing, then she's a prostitute, then she's rowing, then she blacked out, then some handsome guy is rescuing her...etc etc. I think if you took a page or two to really illustrate her brothers foulness and then wrote her running away the story would go more smoothly.

My name is Isabella Bailey and I am running away from my family, which now only consists of my brother. Pa left when James, my older brother was eight. I was still in infancy. It was right after our eldest brother, John, had died. Pa had all hopes of him taking over the farm. James was, well, too simple minded. Mama was then left to care for us alone. She lasted two years before she got consumption and died. I was three by then, when our neighbor took in James and me until he bought us a room at the inn in town. He worked as a busboy. James was sixteen then, and I was nine.

I didn't like this passage because you were just sitting there and TELLING us what happened, thus, it was dry and boring. Maybe have a little paragraph of one of Isabella's memories, her Mother dying, her Father leaving...it would bring more life to the story.
I was also a little suspicious of John just mysteriously dying, how did he die? why did he die? and also, it was confusing how you had two brothers with names that both started with "J" I kept getting them mixed up. Two unique names are easier to remember.

...the weight of my skirts dragged me under. I began wrestling my boots off underwater.

I didn't like the repetition of the word "under", it made the sentence sound old and stale.

A handsome man approached me.

Is this the same man that rescued her? If it is the same man you should replace the "A" with "The". So it reads: "The handsome man approached me". Makes more sense to me.

“We aren’t going to hurt you. And if you want to work, that can be arranges...

"arranged" not "arranges"

...Just put the knife down.” I looked at him. Knife? [s]I thought.[/s] you don't need that description I looked down and in my hand, I viciously held the knife out that the man, my rescuer had used to cut off my skirts.

The bold text was very hard to understand, I had to read it about three times to catch what was going on. Maybe a comma after "that"? so it read like this: "I viciously held the knife out that, the man, my rescuer had used to cut off my skirts." or word it differently, your choice.

Overall I think this story has tremendous potential, it just needs to be tweaked. Right now if it was a book or anything like that, I would just put it back on the shelf.

But I will keep a look out for segment 2

I'm with hekate girl about the paragraph that she intrducer herself in. The best exposition is worked in subtly throughout the action or in dialogue. You could have Isabella tell her rescuers why she was running away in a latr scene, or put a little more action in the beginning to show us what's going on.

Been there, done that. The story itself is--as you said--a little rough, but you can improve it easily.

The first thing you need to focus on is the time period. It this during the Golden Age of Piracy(late 1600s-early1700s)? If it is, you may want to refer to actions the way that they would have been called back then. A person may 'freak' but how would you describe it during your time period?

(I'm writing a pirate story myself, and have had trouble with this, so don't feel bad.) Period phrasing and double-checking is a little tedious, but it really helps to draw people into your story and make even the most lucrative story seem believable.

What about the ship they're on? Is it old? run down? New? Stolen? Little details like this give your characters a solid scene to walk on, instead of standing in a watercolored blur, or worse yet, on nothing at all.

Speaking of characters, you may want to think about describing them a bit more. What do they look like? Are they gruff? Do they talk like sailors(no pun intended)? Give them a reason for hanging out together (other than the fact that they're pirates).

There's definitely promise in this story. It's got a good set up and sounds like a best seller. As Honorary Pirate Captain and all-around Capt. Jack Sparrow Understudy and World's Biggest Fan, I wish you the best of luck!

I've DEFINITELY got my deck hands up in the rigging, scouting ashore for part 2.

I was not definitely not bored, and that's saying something. This has a ton of potential. But one thing I would've liked to be different is how you began the story. I mean, the rowing was good and all that, but the narrative stuff I didn't like. How you went back and explained about her brothers and mother, etc. It would have been better if you'd gradually placed Isabella's history within the present-time things happening. Maybe she could dream about it or something. I think that putting it there right in the action takes away the enthrallment.

I'd like to see more, and I'll be watching for Part 2!

You have an interesting plot, the base of some good characters and a lot of action but it doesn't quite flow. Rather than starting where she's rowing towards the boat and then having flash-backs, why not start at the beginning? It would take away the sections of telling and give you a chance to show more of James and your persona and their relationship together. You could start with the part where James tells her that he's bought her a room. There's no need for the background on their parents and older brother. That can either be covered a little later when a member of the crew asks her or maybe not at all. Is it really necessary to the story?

Alternatively, you could go for mystery. Start where she's rowing towards the boat and cut out the flashback. Give small hints that there's something/ someone she's escaping from but keep it vague and then later, when she's more settled, she could write a diary entry on the day's events.

In general, I thought it was quite well written and some of the dialogue is great. Work on characterization a touch and here's a few more specific suggestions -

I just hoped it wasn’t overrun by pirates, or [s]worst, a ghost ship.[/s] worse, ghosts.

I kept rowing, taking small breaks to get a sip from my canteen [s]of fresh water[/s] before realigning myself with the stars and rowing onwards.

I dropped my bundle of things on the floor and I heard my porcelain vase [Why does she have a porcelain vase? You give the impression that they have little money and yet she keeps an item such as that? A porcelain doll maybe but she was too young when her mother died to own a vase and I'd imagine that any such valluables were repossessed when their home was. But a doll she would be allowed to keep or something small that she could have hidden.] shatter when he literally picked me up and kissed me.

“What are you doing out of that room, girl [Use her name. Even the most uncaring, horrible brother would still call his sister by her name.]?” he [s]spit[/s] spat, his face turning a bright angry red.

I began ripping at my heavy skirts when I felt a pair of hands grab me and [s]pulled[/s] pull [Or maybe '...and they pulled...'] me towards the surface.

“We aren’t going to hurt you. And if you want to work, that can be [s]arranges[/s] arranged.

____________________________
Overall, a good start. Slow the action down a little to give yourself a chance to introduce the characters and settings more efficiently. Listen to Sweeney Todd's advice on period because you need to build the atmosphere - consider the clothing more and the way your persona should speak. At the moment, she's too bold and too colloquially modern for it to fit the period entirely.

Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

Thanks everyone! Especially hekate and Heather. That's very helpful and I thing I'll use your first suggestion on reworking the beginning of that Heather. Thanks. I'll try to update this eventually.

~Yoyo

EDIT: Updated! 8/17/08 - Revised the beginning, and some minor grammar, spelling, and typos.

Pirates. Uhmmm, yummmy <3 Hehe.

I wanted to enjoy the story so I didn't keep my eye out for grammatical things, but I didn't notice anything outstanding. Everyone else covered anything I could've mentioned.

Anyway, about the story. I reallly enjoyed. It was interesting and you definitely grabbed my attention. It's funny because I've been browsing Other Fiction for a couple hours and I put off reading this one because 1st from the title I thought it was going to be about clowns or something... *wince* and 2nd, because it had a second chapter. But funnily enough, I think this was one of my favorites of the day.

*Goes to Chapter Two*

But what did make me finally leave was when he had tried to sell me as a prostitute.

Change the beginning to 'But what made me finally...' It flows better.

He told me one day that he had earned enough to buy me my own room across the hall from the room we shared now.

I think you used the word 'room' too much. change the last part to '... across the hall from the one we shared now.'

. But the night I moved my few belongings into the room, there was a man waiting for me, standing by the window.

"Oh, snap! I wonder what he wants...." said mikedb1492 sarcastically.

I then re-wrapped my bundle in the cloth and leather pouch, and I snuck out of the inn and I never looked back.

I don't like the repetition of the word 'and'. Rephrase as so there's less of them.

“My skirts!” I spat, still wrestling to get out of them.

Even though she's trying to ditch her skirt, why would she be trying to get away from the one trying to save her?

This was pretty good. I liked it. It had pretty good descriptions and all that good stuff. The only thing was the beginning where you told us about her (just like everyone else said). Other than that, the only problem is that if the people who saved her were pirates they wouldn't have been that nice. Remember, they weren't that nice of people and were a bunch of rowdy pigs, but if they aren't the pirates, then never mind.

Thanks guys! And Mike, continue into Chapter 2 and you'll see they arent' exactly pirates. It's called Cahpter 2 for a reason. ^_^

~Yoyo

There aren't enough mistakes for me to do one of my extremely long reviews, so I'm just going to give you an overall and tell you to capitalize the I in Inn throughout your entire story. ;P There are a few places where you can work on grammar, but you are smart enough to find them on your own; just re-look at it when you haven't just worked on it for hours. When you're staring at your writing for ages you begin to see what you want to see, not what is actually there.

The part where she is rescued could be explained a bit better. Maybe she can't move her legs because they are tangled in her skirts, so she wants to get them off so she can kick her legs and help him bring her to the boat? Give her a reason to struggle in his grasp.

My main problem with this story is that Isabella didn't seem alive. She seems hollow and boring, a shell walking around and completing the actions you tell her to do. For every action there is a reaction; what are hers? When she fell off the boat, what did it feel like to pierce into that water? What was she thinking when her head was under? What was her reaction to hovering faces around her? What made her suddenly realize who the people around her were?

I know, a bunch of questions, but they all need to be answered (well, most of them.) She needs to have emotions, thoughts, and physical reactions to show what she is going through. If she was previously beaten, I'm guessing she wouldn't take well to a man holding her in the water with a knife in his hand, whether he was saving her or not.

Also, the beginning is a little blah. Way too much telling. Is all that important? Is there any way you could incorporate that into your story? We don't need to know all of this right away. Maybe she is talking to one of the people on the boat, and she tells them a little. Maybe she freaks out when someone grabs her, and she shamefully admits that she was beaten as a child? Slip in her background; never start out a novel with a bibliography.

I did enjoy your writing style. You didn't have many mistakes, and the description was (for the most part) well done. You just need to work on breathing life into your characters; why and how do they act the way they do?

Good luck! PM me with any questions, or if you'd like me to review anything else!

~JFW1415

EDIT: I have an idea! Maybe skip all the background (for now, slip it in later,) and begin with her desperately rowing away from the docks? Show us her worry, her need to get away, but don't tell us WHY yet. Make us read to find out. This will need to have a lot of emotion and subtle hints to work; good luck if you try it! I think the beginning will have a MUCH better hook that way, though.

Thanks JFW! That's really helpful for me. ^_^ I'll look over it again in a few days (to let my mind get off it) and try your suggestion with making her more, uh, believeable I guess. I hope to update again soon!

~Yoyo

Heya, hon.

I agree with Heather and Sweeney Todd, so I don't really touch on what they said. If you have any problem reading my handwriting or need clarification, please tell me.






Ta,
Cal.

Much better. Good job editing.

““We aren’t going to hurt you. And if you want to work, that can be arranges.”
- Arranged.

Hi Toy!

Okay. I’m really liking the plot of this, but there is an issue with the execution. Everything moves way too quickly, and her entire personality seems too detached from the action itself. I think what you need to do here is expand. This could be brilliant as a prologue, but I think it needs to be longer, for the situation itself. The entire first section could be a prologue in itself, and the bit when she wakes up on the ship would be a great beginning to a new chapter.

The first paragraph, as a re-cap of her life, feels like an info dump. Describe where the inn is, describe her brother, and the work as a waitress, as a young girl, and as she is now. There are a stack of minute details that would work so well for description. Perhaps there was always one man, who tugged her skirt when he wanted a drink, and it would spill everything she had on her try, no matter what, but he was never remorseful, only asked for his next beer. That kind of thing. It seems trivial, but it connects the reader to the main character, especially considering it is in first person.

I think in first person we need to be feeling what the character is feeling as it happens, I’m not getting that here. We don’t get her emotions, other than “I was angry” and so forth, it seems a little choppy, basic. I know you can do better. ^^ Especially considering the flow. I like your movement from scenes, but within the scenes itself the action, and situations lack flow, they feel disjointed, and this puts out the reader.

Summed up that is: Expansion through description, looking at the flow – this will be helped by the introduced descriptions – and attempting to get the reader fully engaged with the actions and emotions. O.O lol. If you have any questions, Ask, and you shall be answered as best as I can answer.

I did really like the plot, and I intend to read the other chapters. I look forward to any editing – Pm me when you do, and post, and I’ll have another look at it.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.