How You Break My Heart (Chapter 4)

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(Thirteen years old)

“I hate you!” I screamed at Dad. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!”

Dad just laughed and patted me on the head. His rough hand messed up my hair so much that it took twenty minutes of brushing to get untangled.

“Go back up to your room sweetheart.”

I turned on my heel and stomped back up to my room, throwing my bag on the floor and collapsing on my bed in tears. All I wanted to do was go to Olivia’s house, was that so bad? I mean, I knew I was grounded, but so what?

My mobile rang and I swooped to pick it up. The ring tone was one my friend Grace had picked for me. It was Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson. I was starting to hate it.

“Where are ya?” Olivia asked.

I groaned. “I’m grounded. Dad won’t let me go. Wanna come over?”

“Can’t,” I heard Olivia sigh. “I’m grounded too. Mum caught me on the phone last night instead of doing my homework. How stupid is that?”

I agreed and we hung up. I knew I had to do something, so I opened up my email and read Rosa’s last letter.

Hey Josie,
How are things at home? I’m doing good. Right now I’m in Paris, France. I’m sitting in a café typing away and waiting for one of the handsome waiters to bring me a crepe. I’m telling you sis, the men in France are gorgeous!
So how’s dad treating you? I got a phone call from mum today, she said she had the baby. A Boy, isn’t that wonderful?
Well, I’ve got to go now. Say hi to everyone for me,
Rosa.


I envied Rosa. As a birthday present, she was allowed to go traveling around Europe for a year! I wanted to go traveling around Europe for a year. I pressed reply and slowly typed a letter back.

Dear Rosa.
I’m good, I’m good. I saw the baby, he’s really big. Dave say’s they’re going to name him Marshall, but mum say’s that’s a stupid name. I’ll take some photos of him and send them later.
Bye,
Josie.


“Will you play with me, Josie?”

I turned around. Five-year-old Benny was standing beside my bed. I couldn’t say no to his big blue eyes, so I was stuck playing make-believe until dinner.

“When are we seeing mum again?” I asked over dinner.

Dad looked at Eliza fleetingly, and then turned back to me.

“We'll see her tonight.”

I nodded.

"Good."

Eliza picked up my plate.

“Finish your homework and we’ll leave at seven," Dad said

Just before seven I stepped into dad’s black four-wheel drive and leaned back in the leather seat, wishing Dad would hurry up. Benny sat in the back, but Eliza was staying behind.

“All ready?” Dad asked, poking his head in the car door.

I nodded hurriedly. “Yes, now get in and drive!”

Dad slipped into the driver’s seat and reved the engine. We were stuck in traffic for a long time when we got on the main roads, but finally we made it to the hospital. I jumped out of the car and hurried up the stairs to Mum’s room.

“Hi Mum!” I grinned, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Where’s Dave?”

“Gone to get coffee,” mum said, kissing me on the cheek. “Hi sweetie.”

I looked around the room for my little brother.

“Where’s the baby, mum?” I asked, standing up and opening a box of chocolate that was sitting on mum’s chest of drawers.

“One of the nurses took him a little while ago,” Mum smiled. “So I could have some rest, but I don’t think that’s going to be happening now that you’re here. Who else is with you?”

I shrugged and put a chocolate in my mouth. “Just Dad and Benny,” I answered after swallowing, the creamy taste of rich milk chocolate still present in my mouth.

The door opened, and Benny rushed in with Dad and Dave following. They got on alright when they saw each other, but always kept the conversation strictly about work and sport. Benny had always loved Mum, even though he wasn’t related to her and hardly ever saw her.

“Hi Marianne,” Dad said, leaning over to hug Mum. “How are you?”

“Fine,” Mum said. “I’m doing fine. What about yourself?”

Dad nodded. “I’m alright,” he glanced at Dave and then back at Mum. “Listen, Josie, there's something we want to talk to you about."

I sat on the bed casually.

"Yeah, what?"

Mum sighed. Her expression was pained and I didn’t think it was fair of my dad to do this to her just after she had the baby.

"We think you should go and stay with your Dad for a while."

"We think it would be better now that Mum's got a new baby. Just for a few months, so everyone can adjust."

They all stared at me, and it made me nervous. I turned to Mum.

"Is this true?"

She nodded.

With that one small gesture I felt my heart break again. Tears welled up in my eyes and I shook my head.

Mum started speaking to me, trying to hug me, but I just pushed her away and ran out the door.
Last edited by chocoholic on Mon Mar 10, 2008 2:17 am, edited 3 times in total.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




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Hiya Rosie.

This was good, it seemed a bit rushed though. So, here we go:

(Thirteen years old)

I think you know by now what I'm gonna say about that. :wink:

“I hate you I hate you I hate you!”

You need some commas in there. Each time after the 'you'.

Have you talked to mum about this?”

If you want Josie to sound even more venomous then I think you could have her say 'my mother' instead of 'mum'. It would make her seem even angrier.

How dare they say something like that to me!

Question mark instead of exclamation mark.

Dad slipped into the driver’s seat and revs the engine. We’re stuck in traffic for a long time when we get on the main roads, but finally we make it to the hospital.

Whoa! What happened to your tenses here? It should all be in the past, to follow the same tense that it has been in through out.

Mum looked at Dave and then back at dad, and nodded. With that one small gesture, I felt my heart break in two and it was everything I could do to stop myself from running out of the room. I didn’t want to live with dad and Eliza permanently, I wanted to stay with my mummy, like I had done my whole life.

This is a bit too rushed and I want to see more...

Research
Ok, so the way your story has panned out with Josie being given over to her dad permanently both shocked me and seemed odd. Let me explain why, because it's a good idea, I just think it's been shown in the wrong way.
If her parents are divorced then there would be some sort of legal agreement, stating who gets Josie when and for how long. It's not as easy as 'I don't want you anymore - go to your father'.
Try and research how legal agreements are made and changed regarding child custody.
I also suggest, for writing purposes, that you change it so that there is no tell of the change at dinner. Then, when they go to the hospital, both parents know and break it to Josie, in as friendly way as possible. That way, we can have a real shock as the reader and it is more believable and horrid for Josie.

Writing
Your writing would benefit so much more if you used literary devices. For example:
Metaphors
Similies
Questions
Repetition
Alliteration
etc...
Description and conflict are key to a good piece. The right balance of both keeps the reader hooked.

So, Rosie, keep up your writing and remember to pm me if you ever need anything. Good luck with the rest of this and pm me when you post more.

Alainna
xxxx
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Hi,
Your story line is really well done. I really like the idea.

It felt really rushed to me though, how you just kind of jumped from, 4 to 7 to 10 to 13. It's your story though so do what you want! :)

"We think you should go and stay with your Dad for a while."

"We think it would be better now that Mum's got a new baby. Give them some time alone, as a family.”


This part seemed a bit harsh to me, when they said:

Give them some time alone, as a family.”


It seemed like they were disowning her. Maybe that's what you were going for, i don't know.

I really want to read more of this, so KEEP WRITING!

-lg*
Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else.
-Gloria Steinem




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Boing! My stomach hurts. For the fourth time today. And this is Chapter Four. Symbolic much? =/

Anyway... *shoves foot in mouth*

“I hate you!” I screamed at dad. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!”
This is the last time I'm going to point this out to you, but Dad is a proper noun in this context. ^^

Hey Josie,
How are things at home? I’m doing good. Right now I’m in Paris, France. I’m sitting in a café typing away and waiting for one of the handsome waiters to bring me a crepe. I’m telling you sis, the men in France are gorgeous!
So how’s dad treating you? I got a phone call from mum today, she said she had the baby. A Boy, isn’t that wonderful?
Well, I’ve got to go now. Say hi to everyone for me,
Rosa.

This should be in italics to differentiate an e-mail from the rest of the narration. ;)

Same for Josie's response. Keeps it clear that it's a seperate entity.

but finally we make it to the hospital.

Look at you, tense hopping again! Should be "but finally we made it to the hospital."

With that ne small gesture I felt my heart break again.

Typo! One* small gesture.

Gaah! Another chapter that ends in tears. Your character's getting older now, it's slightly less excusable. ;)

Also, I think you should have more buildup in this chapter. It's fairly short given that there's a bit of a blow to be taken. It's like, "Sister's in Europe Mum had a baby and you're going to stay with Dad for a couple months bye." Not very dramatic or riveting. It'd be better if you fleshed out this chapter a bit.

What do I have, one more chapter that you've posted. Woohoo. *scurries off*

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I agree with the comments about this seeming rushed...it lacked the depth and character definition that you had so successfully achieved in the first three chapters...it hasn't put me off though and I will carry on battling through them and giving you seemingly pointless reviews...

This is a very good topic for adding description and quite easily as well...if you want a hand I'd be glad to help!
Olivia
xxx
If you wake up in the morning and all you can think of is writing, then you're a writer...



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