No title Chapter one: tears of remebrance

I’ve never been to a funeral where it hasn’t rained. I remember passing funerals in my car, on a perfectly sunny day, and I remember asking myself, “where are the raindrops,?” It was odd to me. Rain on the day of the funeral where like God’s tears…Gods mourning. As I sat in the front row of an outside funeral service I was relived that huge raindrops were falling from the sky, and mixing with my tears. This was gods way of helping us say goodbye to her, but I didn’t want to.
All I could do was stare at the big burgundy box that held my best friend, as the priest went on about how Kate was a model student, and a responsible, caring human being. All this did was made me angry. They don’t know Kate. Not like I do. They don’t know that she had her first kiss with the biggest geek in our grade when she was six, because she was the only one who thought he was cute, or that she could fit a total number of seven jellybeans up her nose, which she proved on valentines day in grade four. And they didn’t know her biggest dream was to be a professional singer, let alone know she was a good singer. That’s because these people aren’t me. I’m the only one who ever knew Kate, and it makes me sad to know that I’m the only one who ever will.



Hey guys!! this is my first piece of writing, i dont have a title yet but i soon will. Read it over and help me make it better, i want your criticism! i know i dont explain much but i did this in like 5 minutes

Hi,
Well, this is a good piece, but not for a beginning. I have no idea who these people are.

I can't say much, because this is how I posted my first part of Lake Girls.

I don't think you should start it off this way, something about it just doesn't make me feel for them.

I want to read more though, so keep writing.

-lg*

I`m actually going to keep this as my beginning, because i need to add to it more, and make it more rounded and explanitory. So once I start explaining things it will be more satisfactory. Because i did this in literally five minutes out of boredom.

Hey, Tickled Pink!

Welcome to YWS. ^_^ This was a really impressive piece for a first post--you've got a really great start. Kate sounds amazing--are we going to see the jellybeans-up-the-nose in real time? XD

A few things, though:

As I sat in the front row of an outside funeral service

This paragraph is really pretty, but it's kind of confusing. You mention other funeral services in passing, but then we're not certain at this point why she's suddenly at one. It would be better, "As I sat in the front row of this outside funeral service" or something such, it would be better. Clarify where you are! It will help people keep track of position better, which makes for really happy readers.

i know i dont explain much but i did this in like 5 minutes

Eeek! This is definitely something you don't want to tell your readers. Critiquing's kind of a tough deal, because you're not sure whether or not it's going to be helpful. If you did it in five minutes, chances are critiquers are going to be picking up mainly on things that would have been easier for you to fix yourself. Take some pride in your work--you've got plenty to be proud of. Write, take a break, come back, and edit like mad before posting, to make sure you get the most out of every critique.

PM me when you put more up, okay? ^_^