Screams in the Night part 1

Screams in the Night
Part 1

Laughing faces swam into view; mocking, taunting. “Where’s your God now, little girl?” one of them cackled, raising a glass bottle above his head. The others laughed as if watching the little ten year old girl cower in fright was the most amusing thing they had ever seen. Then…
Lynette awoke with a start. She sat bolt upright in bed, her long brown hair a tangled mess. Her eyes darted around the room, looking for any sense of abnormality that might have sneaked in while she was sleeping. Once satisfied that there was no danger there that night, she ran to the bathroom, the taste of bile rising unpleasantly in her throat.
Once she had coughed up last night’s dinner (and possibly lunch), she lay her head against the cool porcelain, crying. She was so sick of having these nightmares every night. She wanted to tell someone about what was going on, but it would be no use. Her mother would just dismiss everything she said as “bullshit”, or a “outright lie”. She would most likely throw Lynette back into that crazy people hospital.
Lynette wanted more than anything to have one of those nice mother-daughter relationships. One where her mom might actually listen to what was going on with her. But she knew that would never happen. Lynette knew that her mom cared about her and loved her, that much Lynette knew full well. But her mom just thought of her has a “compulsive liar”. She even went as far as to say that she had a mental illness that hindered her from telling the truth!
Lynette hated that about herself. Sure, she had bipolar disorder; sure, she had serious depression. But that didn’t mean that she was any less of a person than the next guy. And she wasn’t a compulsive liar.
She thought that her mother only told herself that Lynette was a compulsive liar to soothe herself. Why other? Lynette hadn’t given her parents a reason to think she was, so why should she be? It was absolutely crazy. Maybe her mom just wanted to tell herself that so she didn’t have to confront an even bigger issue--the real problems with Lynette. She would rather think her daughter was crazy than having a bad life. Or at least, that was what Lynette thought.

Hello,
This was a little short, but I can manage a nice review.

First, I think you should put a space between your paragraphs like this:

Laughing faces swam into view; mocking, taunting. “Where’s your God now, little girl?” one of them cackled, raising a glass bottle above his head. The others laughed as if watching the little ten year old girl cower in fright was the most amusing thing they had ever seen. Then…

Lynette awoke with a start. She sat bolt upright in bed, her long brown hair a tangled mess. Her eyes darted around the room, looking for any sense of abnormality that might have sneaked in while she was sleeping. Once satisfied that there was no danger there that night, she ran to the bathroom, the taste of bile rising unpleasantly in her throat.

Once she had coughed up last night’s dinner (and possibly lunch), she lay her head against the cool porcelain, crying. She was so sick of having these nightmares every night. She wanted to tell someone about what was going on, but it would be no use. Her mother would just dismiss everything she said as “bullshit”, or a “outright lie”. She would most likely throw Lynette back into that crazy people hospital.

That way, it doesn't look like a big blob of text. Next, you're kind of telling us a lot in this piece. It's like your cramming all the information in together and that makes this boring to read.

Instead of telling us that Lynette is depressed why don't you show us? Instead of saying: Lynette is depressed, you could go: Lynette couldn't stop the tears from coming. It had been like this for at least two years...Or something like that.

Does that make sense?

Other than that, this was very interesting and a good start.

Nariel

I like this, it expresses a lot of emotion without making the story boring or unpleasent to read. I couldn't find any real gramatical errors. All I can say is that I look forward to reading the next installment. oh, I agree with nariel though. You should show us how Lynette is depressed and maybe even reveal a little more about her past and her mother. Good job

-Joel-