Depredation of Nightmares Chapter 9

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uhh sorry it took so long but here it is!
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Chapter 9
“Coden, Coden!” Rheeba tapped my shoulder.

“Hmmph?” I mumbled, looking up, “What?”

“What on earth are you doing,” she whispered, her green eyes hinting humor. We were still in the Chow Hall, sitting at a cold brown table with Stryder and Ray. Someone must have removed cotton or something like it from my ears, because the atmosphere seemed suddenly louder.

I tried to remember what I had been doing; playing with my chicken leg and glaring at Stryder. Oh. Well how smart of me.

“Nothing,” I replied, shaking my head and using a careless tone. I felt like an idiot. Stryder was wearing a huge grin, possibly interpreting my glares the wrong way. Knowing him, which I didn’t, he was probably smugly accepting my adoring stare. My eyebrows lowered.

I looked down at my chicken, which was horribly mangled but barely diminished in size. I stabbed a particularly juicy looking strip and jammed it in my mouth, chewing angrily.

Feeling Stryder’s unrelenting smile still on me, I turned quickly to Rheeba and started a conversation, “So, how’d things go with Zhou Li or whatever his name is?”

She smiled over animatedly and I saw her eyes dart towards Stryder, “Great, he’s like the most awesome master ever! He teaches me things I actually want to know and he gave us gift cards from some store in Jackson. Hey, do you want to head down there right now? We have the rest of the day off and besides, Coden, you need some supplies.”

I shrugged, “I’m game for it.”

“Yay!” she shrieked, “Ray, you wanna come too? Stryder?”

I rolled my eyes but Rheeba’s attention was fixed on Stryder so she didn’t see me.

“Sure I’ll go. Breck and Diana might come too, Breck said he’s outgrown his old clothes,” Stryder laughed, “I told him that I haven’t seen him grow at all.”

Ray grinned appreciatively, flipped his hair characteristically and glanced over at Rheeba’s unnaturally high giggle. As for me, the idea brightened my outlook considerably. I liked Breck and Diana seemed talkative enough to keep Rheeba busy.

“I’ll go get them,” Ray volunteered and left.

I finished my chicken and slid my tray across the table and into the garbage can at the end.

“So S-Stryder,” Rheeba began, stumbling at first but then regaining her stride, “How was Rhigos?”

“Let’s just say he’s pure evil. He made us prowl the perimeter of our land and document it, right Coden?”

“Mmhhmm,” I nodded, not looking at him but instead focusing on a small cut in the table. I cupped my hand under my neck as a shield, showing I didn’t want to talk.

I concentrated on the cut then, tuning out their conversation until one word broke into my thoughts.

“…Godzilla.”

I don’t know who said it but my hand slipped from my neck, I lurched forward, caught myself before I hit the table, and said, “Godzilla… Godzilla!! He doesn’t remember his past either, does he?”

“No…” Rheeba answered slowly, “Why?”

“Because I don’t either.”

“Oh well, Godzilla received a concussion when he was knocked to the ground, so he lost his memory,” Rheeba explained, “But that can’t have happened to you, because Godzilla hardly remembered how to talk.”

My shoulders slumped in disappointment and I turned away, staring at the cut again.

Thankfully, Ray returned with Breck and Diana then.

“Hey everybody!” Diana greeted cheerfully, showing a full mouth of shining white teeth. Her blonde curls bounced and her golden eyes shimmered, she looked like a miniature sun; bright, happy, and beautiful.

I caught Ray eyeing her with interest and smiled knowingly at him. He blushed slightly and grinned sheepishly.

Breck waved at me and I grinned back.

“So,” Diana clasped her hands together, “Are we taking the bus?”

Rheeba nodded enthusiastically and they fell into step with each other on a deserted path leading out of the park. I followed, walking next to Breck.
“Well Breck, who’s your master?”

“Uhh… I forget his name but he’s the master of knowledge.”

“Cool, he okay?”

“Nehh, he’s alright I guess, kind of boring. Hey! I heard you and Stryder are training with Rhigos, the master of power.”

I shrugged, “Yeah, he’s a jerk though.”

“Still… the master of power. Wow. I knew you would get in though, Rhigos is attracted to anything unique. Like a… treasure hunter or something.”

“So I know why he picked me. What about Stryder and Lathan?”

“Them? They’re both very athletic and talented. Stryder has a… something about him that makes people like him. Gives him power in Rhigos’ mind. Lathan is cool, nothing can touch him. I think Rhigos sees a lot of himself there.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” I nodded, thinking of their identical, cruel natures, “So who’re you training with?”

“Evalee and Bethany. They’re both pretty shy so I have no one to talk to.”

“Ha. We should trade. Stryder’s always jabbering on and Lathan bugs me to no end.”

“Well why don’t you talk to Stryder?”

“I… don’t really like him all that much,” I admitted sheepishly.

He raised an eyebrow but let it go, “Maybe we should trade.”

I nodded, looking back at Ray and Stryder, who were talking and joking comfortably. Ahead of me, Diana and Rheeba were giggling and sneaking looks at Stryder.

“Hey Coden, I need to ask Stryder a question. Catch you later?”

I nodded and Breck dropped back with Stryder and Ray. I jammed my hands into the pockets of my jeans and continued walking, staring at the trampled leaves before me.

I caught snippets of conversation from ahead and behind me, “Yeah, yeah. Hey listen guys, I’ll be right back.”

Stryder jogged up to walk beside me, “Hey Coden.”

I looked up, acknowledging him with my eyes and then dropping them to the leaves again. His seemed to follow my gaze, “Where’re your shoes?”

“I don’t have any,” I looked up at him this time.

He frowned, “You’re going to get hypothermia you know?”

I shrugged.

“Well, we’ll get you some in Jackson,” he smiled, ducking into sight when I tried to look away.

I stared into his eyes, which seemed to be ignited with energy, and felt my gut tighten. I jerked my head away quickly, closing my eyes, “What do you want Stryder?”

“What did I do?” his forehead creased in confusion.

“What are you talking about?” I snapped, knowing perfectly well what he was talking about.

“You know what I’m talking about.”

Dang it. “Do I really need a reason to dislike someone?” I answered without thinking.

He laughed, “Duh! What’s yours?”

I glared at him, he smiled back, my lips twitched, I fought a smile, and then I was saved.

Thank you Rheeba!! I felt like screaming as she asked him to come up with her and Diana for a second.

He gave me a look that said quite plainly ‘we’re not done’ and reluctantly joined them.

From then to the bus stop was only a couple more minutes. Stryder decided to sit next to me.

Sheesh, he doesn’t take a hint, does he?

Thankfully, Diana claimed the seat to his left and her effervescent personality eventually captured his attention. I glared out the window the entire ride. Not that it was a particularly long ride; forty-five minutes tops.

Diana and Rheeba then proceeded to drag us to every store in the whole dang place. Breck and Rheeba were payrolling our joyride because, as they explained, they had been rich in their human life and when their parents were brutally murdered (which Rheeba saw fit to describe in detail while we walked) they were left fair fortunes. Since they were cooped up in the camp most of the time, they didn’t get much of a chance to spend it. Maybe that’s why we went a little overboard.

We managed to find a fancy clothing store in the middle of the cowboy town(which became the center of several ‘wild west’ jokes), where Rheeba gushed over these ‘cute shoes’ and Diana bought about five million shirts. At the first opportunity, I headed to a less frilly, kinda sporty section in an attempt to evade the shopping enthusiasts and the ever present Stryder, who attempted to start a couple of conversations with me. He also got me some shoes, handing them over as a peace offering, I supposed. He stopped trying after awhile, apparently shot down by my tactics for the time being.

Well, I sure as heck branched out as far as clothes go. Instead of going with the usual(at least I think they were usual. I didn’t know, but they appealed to me) black baggy t-shirts, I got a blue one. And several black ones, I have to admit. Jeans and cargo pants made up the rest of my wardrobe.

Ray, Stryder, and Breck made similar purchases then Ray and Breck went to help Diana and Rheeba with their oversize loads while Stryder gave friendship another try. But he didn’t know me, I could be unbelievably stubborn. Like the time… oh wait. I have no examples because I literally have no life! Right, forgot ‘bout that.

“So Coden…” he began, “What’d you get?”

“Clothes.”

“No der. Specifically?”

I ignored him.

He sighed and slumped dramatically off to the rest of the crew. He was probably just messin’ with me to make Diana or Rheeba jealous. Ugh, weirdo that one.

After a couple more clothing stores, in which only Rheeba, Diana, and Breck got anything, and a drug store to get nessecessities like toothbrushes we headed to an electronics store to spend the leftover money on stuff we could actually enjoy.

Like an iPod. I couldn’t believe it at first when Rheeba handed it to me.
“It’s been used before though, so it didn’t cost as much. It’s got a whole bunch of songs on it already, some pretty good ones. Radio too. I figured you could use it, I noticed you kinda like to be alone sometimes.”

I smiled, she really was a good friend, “Thanks Rheeba, you were right. I love it.”

Her face brightened, reminding me of Diana’s sunny personality.

So that worked well. I listened to some of my favorite songs (I assumed they were, they seemed vaguely familiar and I liked them) the whole way and Stryder didn’t bug me.

Well he didn’t bug me much. He seemed to be determined to get a polite conversation out of me. And the more determined he was, the more resisting I became. Luckily, he didn’t have much of a chance on the bus seeing as I was sitting next to Ray and Rheeba this time. Every once and a while, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him watching me, obviously scheming up more plans which wouldn’t work. If he thought he was persistent, he hadn’t seen anything yet.

Obnoxious little guy, though. Sure knows how to get on my nerves.
Last edited by cat4prowl on Wed Dec 26, 2007 9:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Merry Christmas, Cat!

Well, I am halfway done with reading this and I have noticed that you are sort of...lacking in inserting commas. I'll show a few examples:

“Hey everybody!” Diana greeted cheerfully,


Insert a comma after Hey.

“Yeah I can see that,” I nodded, thinking of their identical, cold, cruel natures,


Insert comma after Yeah. And also "identical, cold, cruel natures" that's quite a lot of adjectives. I would remove one.

*ok, now back to reading*

Stryder decided to sit next to me on the bus.


I would delete the "on the bus" part, because the sentence will be fine without it.
And the ever present Stryder, who attempted to start a couple of conversations with me


this isn't a complete sentence...maybe cut the comma and insert the word 'that' after Stryder, so it would look like this:

"And the ever present Stryder that attempted to start a couple of converstations with me."
Like the time… oh wait. I have no examples because I literally have no life! Right, forgot ‘bout that.


:D Funny!


Great! Fantastic! Brilliant! Your characters are really getting fun to read and everything good. I loved this chapter. It really brings out the girl side of Coden. I loved it. Keep writing, and I'll keep reading.

your #1 fan

BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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Bigbadbear covered most of the problems but, it was stil awesome. Don't feel discouraged to make them please.

~ ♥Spirit♥




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Hi!

Sorry I haven't reviewed this sooner. Well, I really liked this chapter... your story is getting really interesting!

I might be stupid, but this seemed wrong...
cat4prowl wrote:“No der. Specifically?”

What's the "der." doing there? Is it supposed to mean something?

I think BBB got everything... :oops:

The characters are very good, but just as a precaution: Make sure you don't make their characteristics too refined--because think about it, real people aren't like one's happy, one's mean, one's talkative, one's quiet, and so on. They have strong traits, sure, but they still have other substance to their personality. Just make sure to include that, because it seems to me that a lot of writers fall into stereotypes and "cartoonish" characters... you haven't done it much so far, and I would be really sad if you ended up doing it later on, because so far it's been really good.

I'm sorry if that didn't make any sense. :roll:

Please PM me when you write the next chapter!!

~Azila~




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Hey Cat!
Sorry it's taken me so long to critique... :oops:

Anyways, as BBB and Azila have already covered all the nit-picks, I'll just give you some general advice, using examples form the story. :)

Ray grinned appreciatively, flipped his hair characteristically and glanced over at Rheeba’s unnaturally high giggle. As for me, the idea brightened my outlook considerably. I liked Breck and Diana seemed talkative enough to keep Rheeba busy.


I think Rheeba is a clichéd character, unfortunately. I've read tons of books where there's this girl who has powers above the rest but isn't showy about them,and she has a friend who's preppy and likes boys more than her and all... take Twilight as an example. Bella is more of a quiet person, and then her friend Jessica is a lot like Rheeba: talkative and more flirty than Coden/Bella. You understand so far?

I also agree with Azila that you should be warned about one-dimensional characters. So far, Coden's the tom-boy-ish, sporty one, Rheeba is the talkative, bubbly one, Stryder's that hot guy that everyone likes, and then there's Lathan: cold beyond feeling. So far, there's little references and insights to their "other sides". I mean, Lathan can't be cool all the time, right?

I've noticed another similarity to Twilight: Edward's this really attractive guy that all the girls like (including Jessica), but of course, he likes Bella - and she's more quiet and reserved.
See the connections? Rheeba = Jessica. Coden = Bella (sort of). Stryder = Edward.
You may not even have read the Twilight books, but I just thought I'd let you know about those similarities. :wink:

Diana and Rheeba then proceeded to drag us to every store in the whole dang place. Breck and Rheeba were payrolling our joyride because, as they explained, they had been rich in their human life and when their parents were brutally murdered (which Rheeba saw fit to describe in detail while we walked) they were left fair fortunes. Since they were cooped up in the camp most of the time, they didn’t get much of a chance to spend it. Maybe that’s why we went a little overboard.

We managed to find a fancy clothing store in the middle of the cowboy town(which became the center of several ‘wild west’ jokes), where Rheeba gushed over these ‘cute shoes’ and Diana bought about five million shirts. At the first opportunity, I headed to a less frilly, kinda sporty section in an attempt to evade the shopping enthusiasts and the ever present Stryder, who attempted to start a couple of conversations with me. He also got me some shoes, handing them over as a peace offering, I supposed. He stopped trying after awhile, apparently shot down by my tactics for the time being.


Whoa, whoa! Slow down a little.
You didn't describe the shopping mall in enough detail for me to have a vivid mental image. Maybe just give us a quick, one-sentence description somehow? *pleading*

At the first opportunity, I headed to a less frilly, kinda sporty section in an attempt to evade the shopping enthusiasts and the ever present Stryder, who attempted to start a couple of conversations with me. He also got me some shoes, handing them over as a peace offering, I supposed. He stopped trying after awhile, apparently shot down by my tactics for the time being.

Well, I sure as heck branched out as far as clothes go. Instead of going with the usual(at least I think they were usual. I didn’t know, but they appealed to me) black baggy t-shirts, I got a blue one. And several black ones, I have to admit. Jeans and cargo pants made up the rest of my wardrobe.


:? Hhmmm...
I don't know you [very] well, but it seems to me like Coden is A LOT like you. And that's isn't good. It seems like you're kind of using Coden as a mouthpiece for your own clothing ideals, opinions, and maybe even making Coden who you want to be?
Since the story is far from even half-done (or so I hope), you can still fix this problem. Give Coden some less appealing flaw; at the moment, she's very likable. Too much so - she needs to have some problems in order to be interesting.

You might find this Mary-Sue Litmus test helpful if what I've said is true. If it isn't... well, feel free to strangle me anytime. :P



Anyways, that concludes my lectures! Other than the things I've ranted on about, this is very good. Your characters are well-developed - if not a little clichéd and slightly cardboard - and the pace is steady.

Actually, I do have one more thing to say. >.<

The plot-line so far is a little clichéd. I mean, how many stories have you read where there's a kid/teenager who lives a normal life until - bam! They're thrown into a fantasy world. But of course, they'd have some powers or something special would happen to them (such as Coden evading the werecat in the beginning for so long, and her transforming into a werecat when it wasn't a full moon) that makes them suddenly popular and all that jazz. You savvy?

I'll leave you to consider these mini-rambles for now, and please PM me when Chapter 10 is up!

Cheers,
Camille :D
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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