"Double Dad" Chapter 2

I'm not too sure about this chapter, it seems a bit weak to me. Tell me what you think


CHAPTER 2 RICK'S GIRL

"Damn this rain. I can't see a thing."

As I stare out the windscreen trying to make sense of the road ahead, I get more and more stressed out.

"Couldn't she have bloody died in summer?!" I ask.

Marge's gaze burns into my cheek.

"Hey! Don't curse the dead." She orders. Not like I care. Celeste was nothing more than a dog to me. I hire her for one night and the rest of my life was filled with Celeste related drama. Let me tell you, the only good to have come out of that whore was her baby girl. Well, she's not a baby anymore, as she keeps reminding me. But she'll always be a baby to me. My baby girl. My Corrie.

My Corrie, who's got me driving a good seven hours to Melbourne in pouring rain just to snatch her back from the grasp of her pretty princess, good for nothing aunt, who spends her days at the Garden Club, drinking tea and talking about daisies. Corrie doesn't belong there. She belongs with me. And that's why I'm going to get her back.

When I look out the car window into the blackness of the stormy night, I could see her. Her spirit was dancing among the creepy dark trees with their long jagged fingers, as if they were her friends. Corrie was a dark child who believed in the beauty of the night. Every time it rained with thick black clouds, I thought of her, like I did tonight.

God I miss her.


grrr, so flimsy

I disn't think it was flimsy. I thoguht it showed some genuine emotion. I mean, how many people these days have respect for people who drink tea and talk about daisies?

Also, I think the tenses might change around a little. Not sure about that one. You'll have to ask the other people who crit this.

Anyways, nice work (again). I'll look forward to the next bit!

-Mat

I like it and i dont think it's flimsy.

I did wonder if this was the same person from Ch. 1 talking though. I dont think it is.

The distaste for the Mother is very believable and a natural reation to death. Anger always comes first. Great job.

This was a great small piece of writing. I liked it very much. Maybe make it a little longer if you want to turn it into a story or something. Good Job!

Ok, this does give a little more info....but from a different person.

Again, this is a bit short, it was good though and believable. But I still want more.......

To improve:
1) More background info....in whatever form you feel comfortable..
2) Longer chapters!!

Great work, don't worry about it being flimsy.....some more description and dialouge could change that!!!

Hope to see more,
Alainna
xxxxx

I agree with Adam_Atlantian, that I don't think it's the same person talking in the first chapter.

I didnt think it was flimsy...but you caould add some more details here and there to build it up a bit more, Like Alianna said some more dialogue and description could help there

Meevs
x

I can see where you would find this flimsy...and it's not so much that, as it is inconstant.

You kept switching tenses. One sentence you were saying was, the next you were saying is, which I find to be a very bad technique. I've seen you do better.

Also, there should be more indication that this is somebody else telling the story here. There are a few things you can consider to fix that. Either change it to third person or state earlier in the chapter that this is somebody else. Prepare the reader.

Other than that it was a good chapter. Short. But good. I'm gonna go read chap. 3 now. =D see you soon!

-JC

It's not flimsy! far from it.

Good twist- not only has someone died, the family is divided. Very interesting.
Well written, I like how you have her so opinionated- it gives a real sense of character, like the character herself wrote this part.
More to come yet...

Short but Sweet. I love it how you're writing each chapter through a different person. Off to read chapter three.