he cold on my tongue, clanking it round, gives me a sense of false pleasure.'gives' is in the wrong tense unless you split it up and said "It gives me..."
“My room is here, where shall I put my collection of shells if I can’t have them here?”I'm curious what age you are trying to project for your main character? By her actions she seems under ten, but by some of her dialog, she seems like an older woman from the 19th century... Shall is an old usage word, A little kid would have no idea how to use it. This word doesn't really become apart of your vocabulary until you read it or hear it enough (about middle school, for me, was when the old words started being used.) but your character seems like she's eight or so... I can't really figure out how old she is, her action and her dialog don't click. Her action is good, her dialog just seems kind of ridge, not flow-y like a child's.
“Having a boy here with us has always been our dream” The kind lady beamed at me.not to mention so didn't punctuation your dialog correctly, the kid is a boy? This surprised me. I'm not exactly sure why? To me I saw a little girl. Maybe you should put something in near the beginning to give us the idea that it is a boy, like him playing with toy trucks or something... The name caught me off guard I figured an odd spelling of the female "jaime", but not a boy... Guess I'm bad at guessing gender?
It turned out that Rob and Clarice had a daughter of their own, her name was Rebecca, but wanted to be called Becca apparently. Becca was a year older than me and she had black hair that was think with grease. Clarice told Becca to take me to my new bedroom, so I cautiously followed her up the stairs. Never before had I walked behind someone so painfully thin as their daughter, her clothes shifted heavily as she climbed the stairs, like someone running out of breath as they run a race. Her clothes were running a race, that’s it.even though this does fit nicely in place, I think it's kind of an info dump and could be improved on. The descriptions could be split apart and the "clarice told becca..." could be done through actual dialog, this whole scene you write here could be done through action, dialog, and description and will help bring us more into the story. Don't skip over these minor scenes, it gives you room to delve into your characters.
I never told Rob that I actually found football a mind numbing experience that was simply dull to the core of existence.an eleven-year-old boy thinking this? That doesn't sound to fit. Sure, its gender biased but...little boys will like anything if their "father figure" does, well...usually? Eh, this is just me.
I actually really love it, the story is so sad, and your characters, the family, is some how heart warming, all but the daughter! It leaves so much room for fun conflict. I have some problems, but easily fixed. 1. your dialog punctuation is all wrecked. I'll have to find some sort of link to give you to help you out with this... 2. Who exactly is Yvette? The social worker? I never quiet got that. 3. Sometimes you sort of sum up what is going on, and it's kind of boring. Why not just show us what is really happening, rather than telling us? Don't think you have to make this as short as possible, think you can write as much as you need to get it out, in fact write more than you need. It is a first draft, you'll end up crossing a lot out at the end. Act out those scenes, don't tell us about them.
Keep writing, will you? I'll try to remember to keep reading.
“My names Jamiy”
I always did say that I'd get around to reading Ice Cubes one day. It was just a bit later than I thought it would be lol. I think I only found one thing:
125,005 Literary Works • 672,807 Reviews
