My New Idea

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Chapter One

The pen moved radically along the page. The expensive handwriting pen printed its royal blue ink onto the lined A4 writing pad. The writing on the paper was all joined up and the paper was in perfect condition; with no folded edges or smudged ink and not a crease in sight.

Seventeen year old David Tepp sat at his polished Dickensian oak desk writing his latest story, “My Soul And I”. It was about a girl that travelled the world seeing wonderful things that no one had ever seen before. She kept a diary with her at all times and wrote in it everyday. Sometime her diary notes are emotional, sometimes they are just quick and sometimes they are just happy.

David was really trying to finish the chapter before he left for high school. He was on the last sentence when there was a knock at the door. David sighed with disgust. He was nearly finished when some idiot comes knocking at the door.
“Who is it?” David shouted.
“It’s me!” shouted a voice from behind the front door. “Judith!”

David smiled and got up out of his chair. He didn’t mind if Judith disturbed him because she was his best friend and his writing partner. “Doors open!”

The front door opened and a pretty girl with long blond hair carrying books walked into the hallway. David walked out of his study and came to meet Judith.

Judith put her books down on a small table and gave David a large hug and David exchanged her with a kiss on the lips.

David was tall and looked about twenty. He had pitch-black hair with blue eyes that sparkled when you looked into them.
“You ready then?” asked Judith, picking up her books.
“Yeah, hold on a minute,” said David, and he ran back into his study, and came back ten seconds later with his school bag on his back and carrying books in his arms.
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You should post this to fantasy, or something. This forum is more for talking ABOUT what you're writing than posting it.

-elein




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Didn't seem to head anywhere to me. You repeat "pen" in the first line and "writing" in the second line. The colon on line 3 should just be a comma. You leave the description of David to the end, so we don't know what he looks like until the story ends which it doesn't really do, it just stops. To be honest I didn't really like this. You say that the writing was all joined up (YAY) but then you tell us that David is 17, a bit strange. He exchanged her with a kiss on the lips? Surely he is not trading her for a kiss?

Sorry to be harsh but you post at your own risk.
ln(-a)=i(pi) + lna




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*moved to Other Fiction*
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.




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Hello!

How can a pen move radically?

“Doors open!”

Door's. Since it's a contraction for Door is.

Give your dialogue a paragraph of its own, please. :) It makes it easier to read.

This was okay, but it didn't really interest me. I'd rather read a story that starts out with a dramatic moment. Also, you use way to many adjectives, and it pollutes your writing. Try to use more active verbs and less fluffy description of things that don't matter, like what his pen looks like.

It would be cool to know the thoughts of one of your characters instead of just their action. So far, I have no reason to like them at all. They're just random people, why should I care about what happens in their lives?

Good luck. :)

-Jenna
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Jennafina wrote:Hello!

How can a pen move radically?

“Doors open!”

Door's. Since it's a contraction for Door is.

Give your dialogue a paragraph of its own, please. :) It makes it easier to read.

This was okay, but it didn't really interest me. I'd rather read a story that starts out with a dramatic moment. Also, you use way to many adjectives, and it pollutes your writing. Try to use more active verbs and less fluffy description of things that don't matter, like what his pen looks like.

It would be cool to know the thoughts of one of your characters instead of just their action. So far, I have no reason to like them at all. They're just random people, why should I care about what happens in their lives?

Good luck. :)

-Jenna


I don't think you'll like this, so have a look at this:

viewtopic.php?t=13173&highlight=
Always happy to help!



It's all a matter of perspective. Everyone is the hero of their own story, and the villain of another's.
— James