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(Unnamed) Chapter three



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Reviews: 30
Sun Nov 29, 2009 8:58 pm
Stealth_Slicer says...



Here is chapter three. I am picking a title but i dont know yet. I dont know what Dragon Market part three or Shadow Flight part five will be up but hopefuly it will be soon. All comments welcome

__________________________________________________________________________________________
Soraka and the others head out to spy on the enemy, and a Vorog team uncovers a secret of pure horror.
__________________________________________________________________________________________

----------------------------------------------------
“Black Wolf” tape recorder recording.
Wednesday 11.08.3472
08:52
Sol system Earth

----------------------------------------------------

“Black Wolf to Leader the targets have been eliminated,” a low, stealthy voiced person said.

“This is Leader…well done you can expect your payment within twenty-four hours,” Leader replied.

“Good anything else you want me to do before I…um...disappear for a while?” Black Wolf asked.

“Now that you mention it I believe I do…” Leader began but trailed off.

“Go on,” Black Wolf said.

“If the Lizarians' princess was to suddenly become deceased the Lizarian war machine would be in disarray, and let's just say things will be easier,” Leader explained.

“Assassinating someone as protected as her won't be easy…or cheap. What’s your offer?” Black Wolf asked.

“Two and a half million,” Leader replied.

“Now I know your bluffing the highest recorded reward is one million,” Black Wolf replied.

“Then lets change that…I suggest you look at your account,” Leader said. There was a tapping sound as something was typed. Then silence for a moment.

“Now you have seen half a million has found its way into your account I think you will believe me,” Leader said. “Half a million now, two million later,”

“I will see what I can do,” Black Wolf replied. There was a distinctive double click sound as a firearm was readied.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

After the three hours were up we were soon on our way to a supposed enemy rally point. We were going to drop out in a nearby dust cloud to remain undetected, and hopefully monitor the enemy. That was the good news; the bad news was that the dust clouds natural properties prevents a rift from being opened within it. So in order to get back at any time we would need to leave its protection and expose ourselves to the enemy.

“Dropping out in ten seconds,” the female said.

“All crew to full alert everyone to stations,” Soraka said over the ship intercom.

“Five seconds,” The female continued. Exactly five seconds later we dropped out. In front of us looked like a light sandstorm. I could make out heavily blurred blue green and red lights in front of us but that was about it.

“Enemy radio frequencies hacked listening in on strongest frequency,” someone said.

“Are you sure sergeant?” a gruff sounding Vorog asked.

“Yes I’m sure,” he replied.

“I see…very well report to the scientists at Black Dawn’s development site; tell them development will continue as planned, and that I will station more troops there.” the first one ordered.

“Roger that but I was never given the location of the site care to share it?” the sergeant asked.

“What kind of commander would I be to deny my most trusted subordinate vital information?” the first asked. “The site is located at 223 180 622 419 but keep this between us. As far as you know this conversation never happened,”

“Understood out,” the sergeant replied.

“Where is that location?” I asked. There was a long pause.

“It is on the outskirts of the Mercury system, just inside the distortion area,” The female announced.

“That close to earth?” I asked concerned.

“No mistake 223 180 622 419,” she replied.

“New enemy transition intercepting,” the male said quickly.

“Commander what is Black Dawn’s progress?” a deep but softer voiced Vorog asked.

“Slow sir…the scientists are running into countless problems. Even if they can stabilize the power fluctuations they still have no idea how to control it,” the commander replied.

“I see. Do you know this has been my centre of attention since I found out that it existed?" the first asked. "We need a control system,”

“I agree Black Dawn is intriguing. Can you tell me what it actually does? I have been kept in the dark about much for a long time,” the commander asked. A ripple of excitement spread through the bridge, we were listening in on highly classified transitions and no one was any wiser.

“Black Dawn is a machine thought capable of creating an infinite amount of energy, and producing an infinite amount of material known as Black Light; Black Light is able to totally withstand all but the strongest of conventional weapons, the only things we know that can even dent it are Human Nuclear weapons, Drakko Gauss Obliterators and Ancestor main guns. Black Dawn is Rovok’s backup plan, if the was lost. Black Dawn’s energy will be made into a weapon of unimaginable power, and used to fight back and ultimately win the war,” The first person explained.

“I see,” the commander replied.

“Dismissed,” the other said.

I looked at Soraka as if expecting he would know what to do.

“What now?” I asked.

“We report back,” Soraka answered. The ship lurched, performed a ninety degree turn and headed for the closest exit. There was a beeping sound as we exited. The female swore.

“Vorog forces were lurking just on the outer rim of the dust cloud they have powered up and are coming in for an attack run,” she said.

“Ignore them and get us out of here,” Soraka ordered. We managed to get through the rift just as several bombs hit the engines. Soraka activated communications just like last time.

“Princess I have news,” he said.

“So soon? Well go on then,” she replied.

“The Vorog have an experiment of some sort in the Mercury system, it isn’t finished but from what we heard it could become incredibly dangerous. I suggest we inform the Humans so they can eliminate it,” Soraka said.

“I see…I will have someone inform them. In the meantime I want you to return to Lizaria and-” three gunshots cut her sentence short.

“Princess!” Soraka yelled.


----------------------------------------------------
Vorog elite commando squad 2115
Wednesday 11.08.3472
12:15
Zolith system, Montaris, southern polar region
Deep inside secret underground facility

----------------------------------------------------

“Sergeant the factory is clear no one is alive,” Makko’s second in command said.

“They are all dead?” Makko asked.

“Yes most were injured looks like punctures and slashes, others just looked like they dropped dead on the spot.” someone ells said.

“We did find this,” Makko’s second in command said; handing Makko a small pocket sized black book. Makko took it and looked the cover over.

The book was light and the cover was made of rough strong black leather. On the cover was a silver embalm. The embalm was of a horned reptilian like skull facing downwards, the picture was inside a thick silver circle that had writing around it. Above it read “S.C.A.R” and below it read “Field operation manual”. Makko flicked it open at a page five and read it.

Since joining S.C.A.R you are sworn to absolute secrecy. No one is to know what you do, were you work or what our research has uncovered. You will have no further contact with your superiors outside of S.C.A.R, with your families or any of the outside world until the research S.C.A.R is doing had been completed. All mail from your families will be passed directly onto you, however you will not be able to reply. Your families will be monthly reassured about your status. They will be told you will not be able to contact them due to the secrecy of your work.

In the event of critical failure you are instructed to take your Respiration paralysis tablet immediately. You can find the tablet in your field operation kit. In the event that you have misplaced yours there are several methods that will accomplish the same task.

Refer to the information in the field operation guide often so you will know how to react in any situation. We wish you all the best in your time with S.C.A.R. See the rest of the manual for more in depth instructions on the facility and procedures.

Signed:

Dr.J.Kalo.

Makko was about to continue looking through when there was shouting form the corridor. Another Vorog burst into the room.

“Run they're coming!” it shouted before running off. Makko stepped out into the hall and grabbed a young Vorog that was running too.

“Private what’s going on?” Makko shouted. The privates eyes were wide and he was shaking; he had just seen a horror more disturbing than any other. He began to mumble incoherent sentences. A strange blood curdling moan like yell filled Makko’s ears causing him to let go of the private who ran off. Something stepped round the corner into full view; it was just under a meter away.

“My god…” was the last thing Makko ever said.
Last edited by Stealth_Slicer on Tue Dec 08, 2009 5:01 pm, edited 4 times in total.
  





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130 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 24514
Reviews: 130
Thu Dec 03, 2009 6:37 pm
*coco says...



Hi, sorry for the late review, I've just been so busy with my own story.
I like this but I think that the way you present your story given it quite a confusing feel. You just jump from one scene to another without informing the reader which made me feel kinda lost a few times. Try and work out another way of presenting this, a way that doesn't confuse your readers and a way that helps scenes flow.
Keep up the good work and check out my story when you can :D Happy writing!
"Do you know what my heart says now? It says that I should forget about politics and be with you. No matter what. You're a true Queen, a Queen any King would kill for." - Prince Francis ♕
  





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Reviews: 83
Sun Dec 06, 2009 10:30 pm
Fruits_Basket99Tohru says...



Hi, it's me yet again! I really like this series. :) Hope you post part 4 soon!

and a Vorog team uncovers a secret of pure horror
Add bolded letter. 'A team' is singular, so the verb should be plural.

“Black Wolf” tape recorder recording.
Wednesday 11.08.3472
08:52
Sol system Earth
Again, I feel like this should be in italics. Also, by Sol, did you mean solar? As in solar system?

Here's the main problem with this piece: punctuation. Yes, I realize you've said you're not good with punctuation, but if you don't work at it you're not going to get reviews because you keep making the same types of mistakes as before.

For example, you frequently leave the ends of dialogue quotations blank without anything. No comma, exclamation point, question mark, period, nothing. This is not good! Every single dialogue quotation must have an ending punctuation mark. Otherwise, it's considered gramatically incorrect.

Another major error I spotted: the spelling of princess. Often, you spelled it 'princes', which is the plural form of prince. Nope! Not correct; thank you for playing. The misspelling happens enough so that the reader will get annoyed at the repeated misspelling.

Before I can do a more constructive review, I'm going to ask you to fix most--if not all--of your punctuation mistakes. Right now, they're so numerous my post would take up about a full page to be totally complete and with no errors. So please, please, fix some of your punctuation/spelling errors!

However, on a brighter tone, the story itself was great and very action- and suspense-filled. I like how the excitement is starting (what? only starting?) to get tense and stuff. But anyway, I think Evi has this one post on dialogue rules...you might want to check it out...never mind, it was Demeter. Here: Punctuation within Dialogue. This should probably help quite a bit!
"We're all born with selfish desires, so we can all relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is something made individually by each person...so it's easy to misunderstand when others are trying to be kind to you."
--Fruits Basket Book 1, page 134

Do you need a review?
  





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30 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 4198
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Mon Dec 07, 2009 5:05 pm
Stealth_Slicer says...



“Black Wolf” tape recorder recording.
Wednesday 11.08.3472
08:52
Sol system Earth
By Sol, did you mean solar? As in solar system?


Ok I have gone over and edited chapter three to hopefully be better. Now to explain the word Sol.

Sol is another name for the Sun in our solar system; so I thought it would be fitting as a system name.

All the best.
  





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130 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 24514
Reviews: 130
Mon Dec 07, 2009 8:57 pm
*coco says...



Hi, again, sorry my first review didn't include much. I thought Makko’s perspective was really good, I liked that part, it really added some tension to the story and it made me want to read more. I especially liked the stuff about S.C.A.R because you described it really well
Hope this helps and I can't wait to read more. Best of luck!
*coco
"Do you know what my heart says now? It says that I should forget about politics and be with you. No matter what. You're a true Queen, a Queen any King would kill for." - Prince Francis ♕
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 7538
Reviews: 83
Mon Dec 07, 2009 11:52 pm
Fruits_Basket99Tohru says...



Wow, nice job! This looks so much better than before! :)

Now, one of the next annoying rules about punctuation, is that if words come after someone's dialogue quotation, then you can't end the quotation with a period. Example: "I'm going to Andy's party today." said Jack. That would be wrong! You'd have to change the period to a comma, because a question mark wouldn't make sense, and an exclamation point is only used when something truly is exclamatory. I noticed that period at end of quotation problem several times, especially at the beginning of your post.

“Good anything ells you want me to do
You meant 'else', right?

before I…er...disappearfor a while?
The story makes more sense when the second ellipse is taken out, an 'er' or 'um' or something like them is added in after 'I...', with another ellipse after it.

“If the Lizarians' princess was to suddenly become deceased the Lizarian war machine would be in disarray, and let's just say things will be easier,”
Lizarians is plural, so the apostrophe should come after the s. And let's is a contraction, so it needs an apostrophe between the t and s. (because you skip the u between let and us, the 'normal' version of let's)

as protected as her won't be easy
Again, won't is a contraction.

There was a tapping sound as something was typed. There was silence for a moment.
Here you start 2 consecutive sentences with the same word. These particular sentences were found in a really short, 3-sentence paragraph--so I'm sure you can rearrange the words in one or both of the above sentences. For example, you could say something like: 'There was a tapping sound as something was typed. Then silence.'

I think you will belie me
You meant 'believe me', right?

Even if they can stabilize the power fluctuations they still have no idea of how to control it
Take out 'of'. It is not needed in that sentence.

Can you tell me what it actually dose?
Does.

“Run their they're coming!”
Self-explanatory mistake.

You still have quite a few punctuation troubles, however. I noticed that a lot of your dialogue have no punctuation in the middle, just at the end. That makes them appear to be jumbled stacks of consecutive words.

Another punctuation mishap I found common was the misuse of commas and/or semicolons.

However, this revised draft is so much better than the first! Great job at following advice and such. :) I can't wait to read chapter 4--oh wait--there it is! It popped up on the front page! Anyway, thanks again for the awesome series, and expect a review coming soon...mua ha ha ha ha...( :P )
"We're all born with selfish desires, so we can all relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is something made individually by each person...so it's easy to misunderstand when others are trying to be kind to you."
--Fruits Basket Book 1, page 134

Do you need a review?
  








Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.
— Captain Raymond Holt