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Young Writers Society


White - Ch:2



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Fri Sep 18, 2009 7:33 am
Lava says...



Once again, the title is temporary. Suggestions for a title welcome. And, please be patient in case my chapters are delayed. My body is still getting used to college life. Thanks! :)

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"I need to talk to you, Rufus" said Carmen, looking all important and business-like.
"Mmhmm... Sure." replied Rufus and then slightly raising his voice, he added, "Hey Kelce, Carmen and I need to do a little work, We'll be back soon, I promise."
Kelcey looked up at the two of them and nodded, as if in submission.
Carmen walked over and spoke to her softly, "Kelcey dear, I'm really, really sorry I can't chat immediately, but works calls."

Rufus and Carmen walked out of the room and proceeded to sit across a table, in dark purple armchairs. Rufus stared absent-mindedly at the papers strewn across one end of the table. Carmen looked grave, and then started speaking.
"Rufus, I don’t know what the Board Of Directors is thinking, but I think they feel the same as the others, especially, along the lines of Dr. Ramer. I don't know what to do Rufus… I feel so horrid. She isn't showing the results that they expected, but I still say 17 years is a very little time, considering the fact that we started tutoring her, only when she was 9. She has about as much knowledge as a primary school student. This is unfair..."

Rufus sighed. He knew this was coming, at one point or another. He sighed again and lit a cigarette, ignoring Carmen's disapproving glare. He stared at the red LED sign that said 'W.L. Exp 76, Main Zone' until the letters started becoming fuzzy. He realized then, that sub-consciously he'd been planning to leave Wren Labs. He'd had enough of working late hours, staying on-site and the permanent reminders of sanitization. He looked around the main room, taking everything in, as if he would be leaving the next instant.
The walls were a pristine white bedecked with photographs of eminent biochemists and geneticists and each adorned with a garland of flowers. It was his request that they do it, a custom he'd seen on his tour of India, where the people garlanded the portraits of their late fathers and grandfathers. It kept away the nauseating smell of alcohol used to clean the rooms. The only other splashes of colour were found on the magazines on the mahogany table. At this point, he could smell the sickening fruity perfume that Carmen always wore, through the smoke. He glanced at her, twirling her hair and lost in thought. He had never found her this unattractive before. He reasoned that she was quite sexy, hot and intelligent. She was his, something the other blokes were jealous of. But he had never really liked her. Being trapped in the lab for the most of his life, he'd needed to satisfy his sexual desires. And that was why, he stuck to Carmen, always refusing her proposal to get into a serious relationship, stating that it might hold back their careers. Carmen leaned over and held his hand. Even though he despised her for this, he welcomed it. He looked into her eyes and said, "So tell me what exactly happened in the meeting."

"Mmmm… let's see, the B.O.D. called all the heads of this experiment and asked us our monthly reports. We presented them, and Sharon's presentation was highly in favour of continuing with it, even if it becomes a minor experiment. What she said did make a lot of sense, but Mr. Daye , said it was heavily biased owing to the fact that she's probably emotional after delivering her. I gave mine, making sure, it looks completely unbiased, though slightly veering toward the favourable. The others pretty much gave only the statistics, which really don't look promising.
But then, Dr.Ramer's report was purely suggesting that he'd be the first to accept the termination of this experiment. He didn't say it outright, but you could get his vibe. That good-for-nothing sonuvabitch." Carmen slightly choked over this. Rufus noticed this, thinking she must really hate the guy, as she rarely swore. He'd have been pleased if she'd added a few more words. He puffed some more, as she continued.
"Anyway, then the B.O.D. started doling out their usual crap and then it's done. Oh Rufus, I'm scared"

Rufus stroked her hand gently, not saying anything.

Rufus hated the B.O.D., a bunch of gung-ho guys, way up in the occupational hierarchy, who never spoke to others unless its at the monthly meeting which were attended only by the heads of each department. At the top of this ladder, was Sam Daye, who considered people invisible if they didn't sport something with big names. He hated the phony attitude of the people 'up there.'
Going through the people mentally, he paused at one name. Joshua Ramer. He didn't know what to make of this middle-aged once lepidopterist. Ramer had looked genuinely interested in the experiment when it all began, but now, he hardly cares. With his neurons processing a million thoughts, Rufus placed his head in his hands and muttered, "Oh Kelcey dear…"
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





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Sat Sep 19, 2009 9:21 pm
OxfordandOnyx says...



Hi, it's OxfordandOnyx again...
I am glad you posted this next chapter up so quickly, I was looking forward to having a read (:
Unfortunately, I'm in a rush so I have to give a very brief review.

First off, I have to say this... The first time I read this chapter I thought it was O.K and admittedly, I didn't think it was very interesting. I was confused at first what with all the experiements and the mentioning of characters I have never heard of but I re-read this...
"She isn't showing the results that they expected, but I still say 17 years is a very little time, considering the fact that we started tutoring her, only when she was 9. She has about as much knowledge as a primary school student. This is unfair..."
it sort of clicked.... That Kelce is an experiment!

Plot
The last chapter didn't give much away and I was starting to lost intrest in the stories and characters already. However, I thought I might read on just to give this a chance and I am so glad I did. I loved the subtle hints you give about Kelce being their experiment subject and her obviously not leading a normal life. I thought she was living in a white room because that is how everybody else lived. You really made that into a nice little plot twist there! (: I was pleasantly surprised.


Character

I find Rufus's hatred for Carmen a bit strange. Yes, you already explained he is using her for a little bit of female company but why would he want to punish himself and put up with a woman he hates so much? Even when she touched his hand he over reacted!.
Carmen leaned over and held his hand. Even though he despised her for this, he welcomed it.

Then you say that he welcomes it? Why would he? He seems like a confusing character to me.
However, it is interesting to see Carmen though Rufus's eyes as Kelce seems to think they are a close couple.

Description/Dialouge

The third paragraph seems like an information overload and I almost wanted to skim past it completely. It would not be so long winded if you split it in two at
At this point, he could smell the sickening fruity perfume that Carmen always wore, through the smoke. He glanced at her, twirling her hair and lost in thought
and then you could even cut the phrase, "At this point" out of the sentance, it would work without aswell. This is a short chapter so to me, the dialouge was pretty decent... There was plently of it and the characters gave us enough information when they spoke for us to understand the current situation. You also write the emotions the characters are feeling very well but I would like of seen this projected into thier voice.
I think you could add more setting description, I cannot work out where they are. I am getting the impression that they in a lab, if they are, wouldn't there be more protocols you have to follow to exit any rooms within? This is science fiction, it could be anywhere and look like anything... Help us along here!

Overall
The second to last paragraph, where you explain what the B.O.D are and who leads them all... Consider placing it near the beginning of the chapter right after you introduce the Board of Directors... Adding extra information on them five paragraphs just doesn't flow...
This story is looking great, it wasn't what I expected at all. I cannot wait to read more.
Keep writing and please update soon!
Good Luck!
(:


OxfordandOnyx


Edit: I forgot to paste a lot of my positive points into the reivew... Sorry if it sounded dead harsh! :P
Four kinds of people I hate most in life.
1. People who use a preposition to end a sentence with.
2. People who can't count.
3. People who think it's 'clever' to quote ironic phrases.
  





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Wed Sep 23, 2009 8:52 pm
GregPugn says...



Your chapters are really short. This would be fine if the chapters still gave us a piece of the story but I fell like this post and the previous one post haven't given out enough information to be out of chapter one yet. You really need to give more information about what is going on.

Reading this, it is obvious that you don't want to tell us everything yet, and you don't have to; however, you need to give us (the readers) something to nibble on while we are waiting for you to really get the ball rolling.
  








You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot stop Spring from coming.
— Pablo Neruda