Young Writers Society

This is a new story i've started. i need some reviews, although its not very long. i just want to know if its as good as my friends say it is. THANKS!


11:23 PM
YEAR 3021

It was dark out and the only things visible were the head lights of rapidly moving vehicles in the distance. The silent engine increasing dramatically in speed as the rider clamped her hand tightly on the acceleration of the motorcycle. The road she had been riding on wrapped itself around the jagged cliffs like a jungle river and flowed as such as the picking up wind pushed the gravel north. Suddenly the night sky lit up with a heated blast on the other side of the tall hills illuminating the young woman’s crystal blue eyes. She swerved as a chunk of metal that would have hit her landed next to her, the sides of it piercing right through her boot, scrapping her leg and her tire.
“Shit,” she muttered through clenched teeth as the motorcycle’s tire began to deflate. Her long strawberry-blond hair, which was pulled into a loose ponytail, whipped her face as she drove faster down the narrow road. If she had sped up any more she could have been flying to her destination. Behind her were four other motorcycles that were gaining on her. They were from the adversary company EEL.
The young woman looked behind her for a split second to see the motorcyclists were still following her. Why do they need me? She asked herself, grinding her teeth as a surge of pain traveled through her leg. It was the open cut from the large piece of metal chunk that was hurting. It was bleeding uncontrollably running down the side of her boot darkening the already red material.
There was a loud bang as one of the motorcyclists aimed a gun at the woman’s head. It flew past her hitting the metal on her tire spoke.
“Jerks!” she yelled wrathfully at them. She whipped her motorcycle around and began going the other way. Three of the other riders drove past her, except for the last one. Unaware that there had been four followers, she swerved to a fishtailing halt as the last motorcyclist came at her fast. The headlights turned on, blinding her. Her body was jolted vigorously as they collided throwing her hard to the ground.
~
“Put me down, assholes!” the young woman barked, squirming in midair. Two warriors had her hoisted in the air by locking their arms around hers so that they were simply futile. As she kicked wildly, even though her right leg was throbbing from the large gash on the side of it, she continued her rampaging.
“Where should we put her?” one of the guards asked his friend. The second guard, who had a demeanor of leadership, thrust the woman to the floor, while the other, ignorant to what his comrade had planned, continued to hold the woman's arm so that she hung halfway to the floor. He then did the same so that the woman lay helplessly on the cold stone.
“Boss will be with you in a moment,” said the leader of the two and they disappeared behind a door. The woman listened for a moment before she heard the locks click into place. Stiffly, she got up and walked around the large vacant room. She looked at the memorabilia of swords and guns that hung on the dank walls. Each weapon had a metal plate under it with a name under it. With consuming horror the woman realized they were names of late warriors from the NOVA military, which meant that these were trophies of the victories.
“It’s so nice to see you again, Thunder.” The familiar voice irked her, sending a chill up her spine. The woman turned around quickly on the heel of her boot, leaving a scuff mark. A man in a wheelchair sat in front of her. His face remained hidden by the dark shadows of a cloak that was securely wrapped around him.
“Why do you want me, Abalone?” The woman, Thunder, insisted stepping forward.
“You have good potential for working with us-”
“I would never work for you.” Thunder remarked brutally.
“That’s what I’ve been afraid of.” The man in the wheelchair said waving his hand as if to erase the thought.
“Then why are you so persistent. My answer is no-”
“That’s because you’ve always managed to get away from my guards. Now you will have no choice, but to accept our offer.” He said maliciously.
“What are you talking about? I don’t have to do anything you-”
“Unless your lover Jack is taken away from you.” The man finished her sentence.
“No,” Thunder breathed.
“Yes,”
“What did you do to him?” She shouted reaching for her gun. Her hand fell flat against the empty holster.
“What, did you really think that we would let you come in here with a weapon?” Abalone hissed. “And as for your lover, he’s fine. But if you do not accept our generous offer then we will use him as a warning to those who plan against the government. The choice is yours.”
Thunder felt her chest tighten as Abalone wheeled away.
“Wait,” Thunder called. Abalone stopped.
“Yes?”
“I’ll do it.” Thunder mumbled.
“Good, and just to be sure you won’t back out-” Abalone snapped his crooked fingers rippling his sagging skin. The two guards stepped out of two secret doors on either side of her armed with swords. Their armor clanked as they walked forward. One of them had a limp body nearly dragging behind him.
“Jack,” Thunder whispered gently, reaching towards him, the guilt clawing at her brain.
“Don’t or he’s dead.” Abalone said harshly. Thunder stopped in her tracks and watched as the guards’ yanked Jacks head up. He looked beaten and worn with dark maroon circles under his eyes. He looked up and smiled feebly at Thunder. One of the guards took a small computer chip from a crevice in his chest armor and held it in his hand while taking out a small pocket knife.
“No stop!” Thunder screamed. Abalone held out a gloved hand and a blue light shot out of a small hole in his palm, striking Thunder in her back knocking to the floor. Try as she might her meager attempts to get up failed her and she only collapsed again. She watched as the other guard came over and picked her up holding her arms tightly behind her back sending a sharp pang of discomfort through her shoulder blades. She was brought to her knees instantly so that she had no choice but to watch Jack’s neck get slashed open by the one guard with the pocket knife. Jack hadn’t made any attempt to avoid the blade, but took it stanchly as he could. The guard then jammed the chip into the open soar and Jack relinquished an inhumane scream causing Thunder to look away and focus on Abalone. He had an evil grin spread across his face as he noticed Thunder glaring at him.
“What are you doing to him?” she growled. Abalone smirked as the guard snapped her head so that she had to look at Jack again.
“We are implanting a chip in his neck, so that if you even as so much think about breaking him out of his prison I will kill him with this button.” Abalone said taking a small oval remote out of his pocket. Thunder stared at it with nothing but hate as he activated it. Jack let out another inhuman bellow as the chip activated itself as well. His body began to retract in awkward positions as the electrical pulse coursed through him. Thunder looked into his desolate eyes for any trace of sanity, but it had left with last screams of pain. He was broke, hard.
“What do you want me to do?” Thunder murmured looking down at the ground as small tears leaked down her flawless face.
“You will act as our assassin. Anyone who plots to-”
“I’m not going to kill anyone.” Thunder remarked breaking free from the guards grasp. She swiped his feet of the ground with her own and took his sword. She held it confidently in her hands and thrust it towards Abalone. He abruptly got up from his wheelchair blocking it with his own sword.
“Step down Ms. Thunder.” He hissed spit flying from his mouth.
“I’m not going to kill for you.” She growled. The remaining guard let Jack fall to the ground into a heap and went over to help his boss. Thunder whipped around kicking him square in his jaw. He went sprawling to the ground next Jack but nervously got up again.
“Thunder, I thought we had a deal.” Abalone whispered in her ear. She spun around, but Abalone was already behind her and knocked her on the back of her head. She fell to the floor and let the last few breaths out before she died.
~
The two bodies floated through the white abyss for a time of stillness as one of them tried to gather her thoughts. The silence was unbearable and Thunder’s eyes flickered opened. Hovering next to her was Jack. She tried to move her arm out to touch him, but it was like it wasn’t her body anymore.
“Jack,” she said hoarsely. Jack was looking at her with a hint of hope in his amber eyes.
“I love you,” he murmured. She smiled but then frowned. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Jack, am I dead?” she asked looking straight up.
“No.” He said. Thunder noticed he hadn’t taken in a breath yet, like he didn’t need to. “I’m dying.” His said raucously.
“No, you’ll be fine. We’ll both be fine.” Thunder said reassuringly. Jack abruptly began to move away as the words lingered from her mouth.
“I love you Runa.” He said moving farther away. Thunder had winced as her real name slipped out of Jack’s lips.
“No, Jack you’ll live! I won’t let you die-” Thunder was suddenly let go from her hovering state and began to fall. It made her gut wrench since there was no indication that she was falling since there was only the intense white that engulfed around her. It began to close in on her and her breaths began to get faster as it was being sucked out of her. She then closed her eyes as a tear leaked down her cheek and fell. The white rippled and she vanished.

Hey, Cookies! Great start you've got here! Let's take a looksie, shall we?


Okay, the first thing I noticed when I looked over your story was info dumping. Info dumping, just in case you aren't familiar with it, is a literary device used to explain. Example!

They were from the adversary company, EEL, which stood for everlasting energy leverage. EEL was a military company used by the Ravens, a secret society that later became the government. Now the government controlled everything to where you worked to how much money they would give you.

In theory, there is nothing wrong with this sentence. However, it bogs down the flow of your story because you take the time to put it there. What you have is a very promising chase scene, but the info-dumping slows it down dramatically.

What I suggest you do is read through your story and pick out places where you've stopped to explain things [EEL, NOVA], write them down or copy them into another word document so that you don't forget them, and put them somewhere else in the story. For instance, a character could have just moved to the city, and is confused about these two companies. You could use that as an opportunity to explain about these two companies in a dialogue that wouldn't slow down your story.

Her long strawberry-blond hair, which was pulled into a loose ponytail, whipped her face as she drove faster down the narrow road.

I love how you use the description of it whipping around her face. Great imagery.

Her body was jolted vigorously as they collided, throwing her hard to the ground.

One tiny thing I'm curious about. Is this the start of a novel, maybe a prologue? Or is it a standalone piece? If it's a standalone piece, I suggest putting in more detail, as it has the potential to confuse your readers.

Overall:

I quite enjoyed this! I'm a huge sucker for science fiction stories, and this has done a good job of catching my attention. Feel free to PM me if you post anymore!

Sachiko

Hey Cookies! ^^ Here as requested.

Grammar

You are missing a heck of a lot of commas, love, and you have an abundance of fragments here. I'm going to point out as many as I have time for, but if you need me to point them all out just PM me and I'll be sure to go through with a fine-toothed comb and help with your grammar and punctuation.

It was dark out, and the only thing visible were the head lights of a rapidly moving vehicle in the distance.

Subject-verb agreement here. For this to be grammatically correct, 'thing' needs to be plural-- things. Why? Because you're not talking about one thing being visible; you're talking about the two headlights being visible.

The silent engine [s]increasing[/s] increased dramatically in speed as the rider clamped her hand tightly on the acceleration of the motorcycle.

Here, using the -ing verb (increasing) you've formed a subordinate clause. Or, in other words, a non-complete sentence. A fragment. However, changing this to a past-tense -ed verb makes this a complete sentence. PM me if you need more help with this.

Her long strawberry-blond hair [comma here] which was pulled into a loose ponytail [comma here] whipped her face as she drove faster down the narrow road.

Off-set these kinds of descriptive clauses with commas, because they describe the blond-hair but aren't part of the sentence's action itself.

Why do they need me? She asked herself. Grinding her teeth as a surge of pain traveled through her leg.

Treat character's thoughts exactly as you would dialogue, but with italics. So, this would be rewritten:

Why do they need me? she asked herself, grinding her teeth as a surge of pain traveled through her leg.

--- Quick note: you mention this cut on her leg numerous times, and you mention it hurting. But if it's half as bad as you're implying...where's the blood? You can't overlook the little details. If there's a wound, there's blood.

The second guard with a demeanor of leadership thrust the woman to the floor while the other, ignorant to what the other had planned to do, remain holding the woman’s arm

This is a rather confusing sentence. First of all, you repeat the word 'other' twice, very close to one another, which becomes redundant and unnecessary. Then, you're verb (remain) doesn't really make sense, context-wise, and also is grammatically incorrect.

I may sound harsh, love, but I just say it like it is.

Rephrase the sentence as something more like this:

The second guard, who had a demeanor of leadership, thrust the woman to the floor, while the other, ignorant to what his comrade had planned, continued to hold the woman's arm.

“Boss will be with you in a moment.” Said the leader of the two and they disappeared behind a door.

Dialogue grammar! Aha! Click this link: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticlebody.php?t=44898. And use it. It will help you figure out how to punctuate dialogue. You need to remember to keep the tags lowercase and use commas.

Also, as I mentioned, you don't have nearly enough commas where you need them. Look through and read this story aloud to yourself. Wherever your voice pauses for breath or dramatic effect, add a comma. ^^

Her hand fell flat against the empty hilt.

Hilts are for swords. Gun's are in holsters.

“What, did you really think that we would let you come in here with a weapon?” Abalone hissed. “And as for your lover, he’s fine. But if you do not accept our generous offer then we will use [s]her[/s] him as a warning to those who plan against the government.

Unless Jack's a girl, this should be 'him' and you forget the subject in the first sentence. Remember your gender pronouns. And proofread next time.

Abalone held out his hand and a blue light shot out of his palm striking Thunder in her back, knocking her over.

This magic is so sudden and unexplained, I just stared at it for a while. O.o You can't just bring up bolts of blue light without giving some hint to magic before. See, this story isn't going to be as strong if you try to make it both sci-fi and fantasy/magical. And that reminds me.

YEAR 7021

Nuh-uh. That's way too far ahead. Because, as of now, nothing seems to have changed. Humans would have made much more progress by that year-- people wouldn't need wheelchairs, because we'd most likely have cured all illness. Guns would be replaced with something more efficient. You need to knock this year down to somewhere in the 3000s, and most. Probably late 2000s.

Alright. ^^ So, all in all, although it might not have seemed like it, I was impressed. Honestly, I was surprised. Because the posts I've seen of yours, including that PM you sent me, was full of run-ons and un-capitalized 'i' and stuff. I was expecting something much less grammatically correct. Even though this still can use a lot of work, I think you have a solid start.

For character development-- show more of that pain with Thunder when she hears that Jack is being ransomed for her services. Show guilt, fear-- you can show that in a later chapter, but you can't forget about it.

As far as plots go, don't fall into the regular cliche of "oh my lover is being captured so I'll do whatever you want" kind of thing. It's been done before, both good and bad, and I wouldn't suggest repeating it unless you know you've got some amazing way of making it original. Good luck!

PM me for anything.

~Evi

thank you some much Evi!
I told you, i'm no cry baby, i take it how it is. i love you reviews, it has helped me sooooo much. i've writen more, and i'll try to post it after i've proof read it!
once again thank you sooo much!
~Cookies

11:23 PM
YEAR 3021

It was dark out and the only things visible were the head lights [I believe that headlight is one word, not two] of rapidly moving vehicles in the distance.

The silent engine increased dramatically in speed as the rider clamped her hand tightly on the acceleration of the motorcycle.

I don't know much about motorcycles, but I imagine that there is a name for the part that makes it go faster. No? Just seems obvious that when you press on the acceleration, it accelerates. =P

The road she had been riding on wrapped itself around the jagged cliffs like a jungle river and flowed as such as the picking up wind pushed the gravel north.

I think you're trying to cram too many metaphors into the same sentence. Or maybe you meant:
'The road she had been riding on wrapped itself around the jagged cliffs like a jungle river as the wind picked up and began pushing the gravel north'? Either way, I might suggest you break that down to make it clearer and rephrase the ending.

Suddenly the night sky lit up with a heated blast on the other side of the tall hills,[Add a comma here] illuminating the young woman’s crystal blue eyes. [I don't usually say this, but crystal blue is a bit overrated. Maybe pick another way to describe it that will leave a more lasting impression] She swerved as a chunk of metal that would have hit her landed next to her, the sides of it piercing right through her boot, scrapping her leg and her tire.

It seems like it hit her anyways, so maybe you should take that out. It adds information to the sentence that doesn't need to be there and makes it a little hard to follow.

“Shit,” she muttered through clenched teeth as the motorcycle’s tire began to deflate. Her long strawberry-blond hair, which was pulled into a loose ponytail, whipped her face as she drove faster down the narrow road. If she had sped up any more she could have been flying to her destination. Behind her were four other motorcycles that were gaining on her. They were from the adversary company EEL.
The young woman looked behind her for a split second to see the motorcyclists were still following her. Why do they need me? She asked herself, grinding her teeth as a surge of pain traveled through her leg. It was the open cut from the large piece of metal chunk that was hurting. It was bleeding uncontrollably running down the side of her boot darkening the already red material.

1. You say that behind her are the other motorcycles, but then you add that she looks back to check and see if they are there. I think you need to go with one or the other, for the sake of keeping the narration consistent (since it seems to be reflecting her perspective so far).

2. I think it is self evident that the pain is from her injury. But what struck me was that when she was initially hit, you didn't mention her experiencing pain. Maybe you might consider mentioning it earlier when she gets hurt, then you could only need to say 'as she experienced another surge of pain' (or something like that) here. I'd leave the mention of the blood where it is, since it makes sense that she was too preoccupied to actually look at how bad the damage was until then.

Okay, I'm going to have to stop with the nitpicking right now. I have exams tomorrow and need to study. But if you don't mind it feel free to let me know and I can come back and go over it in more detail later.

warriors? Flot tire guards. Floor--but they're outside, so it would be ground. door?

There was a loud bang as one of the motorcyclists aimed a gun at the woman’s head. It flew past her hitting the metal on her tire spoke.
“Jerks!” she yelled wrathfully at them. She whipped her motorcycle around and began going the other way. Three of the other riders drove past her, except for the last one. Unaware that there had been four followers, she swerved to a fishtailing halt as the last motorcyclist came at her fast. The headlights turned on, blinding her. Her body was jolted vigorously as they collided throwing her hard to the ground.
~
“Put me down, assholes!” the young woman barked, squirming in midair. Two warriors had her hoisted in the air by locking their arms around hers so that they were simply futile. As she kicked wildly, even though her right leg was throbbing from the large gash on the side of it, she continued her rampaging.
“Where should we put her?” one of the guards asked his friend. The second guard, who had a demeanor of leadership, thrust the woman to the floor, while the other, ignorant to what his comrade had planned, continued to hold the woman's arm so that she hung halfway to the floor. He then did the same so that the woman lay helplessly on the cold stone.

1) You use warriors and guards to describe the men. I wasn't sure why you chose to describe them as motocyclists, then warriors, then guards. What time period is this? You might want to explain why you call them that.
2) She was outside on a motorcycle, and is now inside on the floor. When did that happen and how? It's a little confusing.
3) If her tire was deflating, I would think it would be hard to turn the bike suddenly and face off these guys while losing air from the tire. You make no mention of the effect the damage has on her driving.

Okay. I read the rest and I have a question: what about her injury? Her leg was injured, but she remains standing afterwards and seems to be quite spirited despite the fact she must be losing a lot of blood. I think you should think about continuing to describe how her injury effects her state, or mention that it's not really that bad earlier. Also, you might want to mention how deeply Jack is cut, because depending on how deep the cut is, getting this throat slashed should have killed him. Unless the chip keeps him alive somehow? That was a little confusing for me.

Otherwise, this is very interesting. I like that you're character starts with a history we don't know, and that as the story advances we want to know more about who she is and how she is related to the other characters in the story. The plot also sounds good, though some elements of the story (for example how you could say she died, and then have her not be dead) are confusing because they are not explained (but only a few!). There are some little things here and there (choice of words, syntax) that could use tweeking, but overall I thought this was quite interesting. I can see why your friends liked it.

My only other advice would be to add a little detail, because it's hard to visualize where everything is happening with what you currently have.

Good work!

Let me know if you want me to come back and do some more nitpicking.

^_^ Keek

*runs off to study for exams*

(I gave you a star, this reminds me a lot of the things I used to write when I had lots of ideas in my head and time to write them ^_^)

Wow thanks guys!

Wow you're story so far is just so action packed and exciting. I really enjoyed reading it especially the motorbike scene. Sadly the plot seems a little old and worn. The man in the wheelchair in the dark and the beaten up lover. It reminds me of James Bond only with a female main character. Still it is a good read and the reason that to me it seems worn maybe that I've seen all the James Bond films and read all the Alex Rider books etc. Keep writing, I demand and keep me posted of all your new additions.
P.s Could you please find the time to read and review some of my work, preferably Chapter 1 and the prologue.

Hey there!
I am going to comment as I go...

82manycookies wrote:The silent engine increasing dramatically in speed as the rider clamped her hand tightly on the acceleration of the motorcycle.

The verb usage threw me off... consider using "increased" rather than "increasing."

82manycookies wrote:The road she had been riding on wrapped itself around the jagged cliffs like a jungle river and flowed as such as the picking up wind pushed the gravel north. Suddenly the night sky lit up with a heated blast on the other side of the tall hills illuminating the young woman’s crystal blue eyes. She swerved as a chunk of metal that would have hit her landed next to her, the sides of it piercing right through her boot, scrapping her leg and her tire.

The first sentence does a good job of illustrating the rider's surroundings, but the second sentence is awkward and confusing. Adding a few commas will help, but I would consider revising.

82manycookies wrote:“Shit,” she muttered through clenched teeth as the motorcycle’s tire began to deflate. Her long strawberry-blond hair, which was pulled into a loose ponytail, whipped her face as she drove faster down the narrow road. If she had sped up any more she could have been flying to her destination. Behind her were four other motorcycles that were gaining on her. They were from the adversary company EEL.

How is she still going anywhere with a deflating tire? Especially at high speed? I don't know anything about motorcycles, but that doesn't sound believable. Seeing as it is the year 3021, maybe vamp up her bike a bit.

82manycookies wrote:“Jerks!” she yelled wrathfully at them. She whipped her motorcycle around and began going the other way. Three of the other riders drove past her, except for the last one. Unaware that there had been four followers, she swerved to a fishtailing halt as the last motorcyclist came at her fast. The headlights turned on, blinding her. Her body was jolted vigorously as they collided throwing her hard to the ground.

Hee hee, I like "fishtailing" halt. That's fantastic.

82manycookies wrote:“Put me down, assholes!” the young woman barked, squirming in midair. Two warriors had her hoisted in the air by locking their arms around hers so that they were simply futile. As she kicked wildly, even though her right leg was throbbing from the large gash on the side of it, she continued her rampaging.

Who is the "they" in the second sentence? What is futile?

82manycookies wrote: “It’s so nice to see you again, Thunder.” The familiar voice irked her, sending a chill up her spine. The woman turned around quickly on the heel of her boot, leaving a scuff mark. A man in a wheelchair sat in front of her. His face remained hidden by the dark shadows of a cloak that was securely wrapped around him.
“Why do you want me, Abalone?” The woman, Thunder, insisted stepping forward.
“You have good potential for working with us-”
“I would never work for you.” Thunder remarked brutally.

I love the details you sprinkled into the dialogue. The scuff mark, the chill... good job creating mood. The old man in the shadows makes me think of the Emperor in Star Wars, the Empire Strikes Back. Ha, ha, sorry. I am ever the nerd.

82manycookies wrote: “That’s because you’ve always managed to get away from my guards. Now you will have no choice, but to accept our offer.” He said maliciously.
“What are you talking about? I don’t have to do anything you-”

You've misplaced a comma. There is only one subject so you don't need a comma between "choice" and "but."

82manycookies wrote: “What, did you really think that we would let you come in here with a weapon?” Abalone hissed. “And as for your lover, he’s fine. But if you do not accept our generous offer then we will use him as a warning to those who plan against the government. The choice is yours.”
Thunder felt her chest tighten as Abalone wheeled away.

I would suggest using the word plot rather than plan, but that's entirely up to you. The image of Abalone wheeling away is kind of funny. It takes away from his "evil bad guy" vibe and instead makes him appear helpless. Besides, where is he wheeling away to?

82manycookies wrote: “Wait,” Thunder called. Abalone stopped.
“Yes?”
“I’ll do it.” Thunder mumbled.

What?! Just like that? I'd like to see some hesitation here!! You could do this internally. Describe how she mentally weighs her love for this man and her sense of duty... something to show she feels torn.

82manycookies wrote:He looked beaten and worn with dark maroon circles under his eyes. He looked up and smiled feebly at Thunder. One of the guards took a small computer chip from a crevice in his chest armor and held it in his hand while taking out a small pocket knife.

It's distracting to use the word "looked" twice, Instead, say he slowly lifted his head, or raised his eyes... etc.

Oooh, mysterious computer chip!! =D

82manycookies wrote:“No stop!” Thunder screamed. Abalone held out a gloved hand and a blue light shot out of a small hole in his palm, striking Thunder in her back knocking to the floor. Try as she might her meager attempts to get up failed her and she only collapsed again. She watched as the other guard came over and picked her up holding her arms tightly behind her back sending a sharp pang of discomfort through her shoulder blades. She was brought to her knees instantly so that she had no choice but to watch Jack’s neck get slashed open by the one guard with the pocket knife. Jack hadn’t made any attempt to avoid the blade, but took it stanchly as he could. The guard then jammed the chip into the open soar and Jack relinquished an inhumane scream causing Thunder to look away and focus on Abalone. He had an evil grin spread across his face as he noticed Thunder glaring at him.

Missing "her" after "knocking" in the third sentence, but you don't really need it after "failed." It's a little congested. Also, "stanchly" should be "staunchly."

As far as the plot right now, I'm definitely interested.

82manycookies wrote: “We are implanting a chip in his neck, so that if you even as so much think about breaking him out of his prison I will kill him with this button.” Abalone said taking a small oval remote out of his pocket. Thunder stared at it with nothing but hate as he activated it. Jack let out another inhuman bellow as the chip activated itself as well. His body began to retract in awkward positions as the electrical pulse coursed through him. Thunder looked into his desolate eyes for any trace of sanity, but it had left with last screams of pain. He was broke, hard.

I think you meant to say, "if you even so much as," not "if you even as so much."

Man, that Abalone is twisted.

What do you mean, "He was broke, hard"? You lost me there.

82manycookies wrote:“What do you want me to do?” Thunder murmured looking down at the ground as small tears leaked down her flawless face.

So this could be just me, but as a reader I instantly disconnect when a character is "flawless." It's okay if that is what you want for your story, but understand it will make it impossible for the reader to sympathize with your character as they might have otherwise.

82manycookies wrote: “Thunder, I thought we had a deal.” Abalone whispered in her ear. She spun around, but Abalone was already behind her and knocked her on the back of her head. She fell to the floor and let the last few breaths out before she died.

Woah, what??! *gasp*
That was abrupt. lol

82manycookies wrote: “Jack,” she said hoarsely. Jack was looking at her with a hint of hope in his amber eyes.
“I love you,” he murmured. She smiled but then frowned. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Jack, am I dead?” she asked looking straight up.
“No.” He said. Thunder noticed he hadn’t taken in a breath yet, like he didn’t need to. “I’m dying.” His said raucously.

The way you describe his breathing, or lack thereof, makes everything seems very peaceful, but the adjective "raucously" directly contradicts that feeling. Choose one or the other... personally I like the surreal best.

82manycookies wrote:“No, you’ll be fine. We’ll both be fine.” Thunder said reassuringly. Jack abruptly began to move away as the words lingered from her mouth.

I would place "abruptly" after "move away" in the first bit (feels more logical).

82manycookies wrote:“No, Jack you’ll live! I won’t let you die-” Thunder was suddenly let go from her hovering state and began to fall.

Don't use "let go," because what exactly is letting her go?
I suggest using "released" instead. It better describes the falling sensation.

82manycookies wrote:It made her gut wrench since there was no indication that she was falling since there was only the intense white that engulfed around her..

"Engulfed her"; there's no need to say "around."

As for the ending...
Woooooah!!
I feel totally confused but very interested.
I like your take on death; in fact, the entire last paragraph was great after the fast-paced action throughout the rest of the piece.

The only problem is Jack dies before the reader has a chance to really like him, so your audience does not understand or care about Thunder's lost.

All in all,
Good work & keep it up!

BABANUUK

HI 82manycookies I seem to find your work everywhere. I've read most of your Thunder and the Revenant and as I said whilst reviewing the last version of this. It sounds James Bond and Alex Rider etc. The only originality is the gender of the character and as for the bad guy in the wheel chair who hides in the dark well he seems really worn because it is a fact that there is guy very similar in James Bond. Ignoring the the similarity,it is a good read but i find it unrealistic when after her tire gets deflated and her leg badly wounded she still drives away. Also I don't get the being dead bit at the end.

P.s. could you please find the time to review some of my work preferably chapter 1.