A Titleless Story (1)

Hey lucyy.

I don't think you need a preface. All this can be shown in the first chapter of your novel. Why would need to introduce to us prior to the start of the narrative that the narrator is in love? That's what a romance novel is all about.

I looked into his emerald green eyes, sparkling with defiance. With love.

Just getting dead tired with all the eye cliches that I read in people's works. It is a common idea that by looking at someone's eye, it portrays their soul, what they are feeling and who they are as a person. Come on, I think we all know that.

I love you too, I wanted to shout back. I wanted so desperately to throw my arms around his neck, press my limp body against his strong statue, twist my fingers into his long, dark hair, and finally press my lips firmly against his. But I just couldn't - wouldn't. We both knew that our fates had been meddled with too much and we just could never be together.

I looked into his beautiful eyes one last time, turned wordlessly on my heel and walked away into the throng of holiday-makers, tears streaming down my face.

All this is physical description, but it doesn't give us a reason as to why we should care tha the narrator is in love. Does a person fall in love with someone just because of their looks...or is there more to it?

Andy.

Thank you both on taking your time to read and review this, I can't tell you how much it means to me =D

Angel of Death - You are too sweet, your review's going to make me smile all day (: hehe, and thank you for reading this. And thanks for your title suggestion - I really love it, I will definitely have that written down for when I start deciding on the title hehe, so thank you =D

Squall
Thank you for reading this, and I have used this as a preface, because 6this scene happens on much later in the story, and I just love writing prefaces to start a story =P hehe. And the reason this is so vague, is because I show their love for each other etc as I start the story. I think that's all your questions answered (: and thank you for taking your time to read this and give me your opinions on it - it's always good to know what people think of my work =D

Again, thank you both,
--Lucyy xx

hello lucyy..

i'm still new here at yws, and i was just checking things out..

may i ask: is "A Titleless Story" really your chosen title..?perhaps you still want to change it..? **it's just a suggestion, you know..**

the preface..it was not bad..actually it was nice, because many young people can relate, especially girls..those who just had bitter breakups..

I love you too, I wanted to shout back. I wanted so desperately to throw my arms around his neck, press my limp body against his strong statue, twist my fingers into his long, dark hair, and finally press my lips firmly against his.

**oh, how can i do that?!**

god bless..

Thank you for taking your time to read and review this, I appreciate it loads, so thank you And no, I don't have a title for this as of yet, but I'm open to suggestions!!

Thank you for reading this,
--Lucyy xx

After meeting you in one of the forums I wanted to read some of your work and for this piece I would just like to say WOW! It has captured my attention and my head is buzzing with ideas of what might happen next.Although, I think a little more detail would have grabbed every inch of my attention and not let go! Your descriptions were lovely and the idea of forbidden love is brilliant.I will enjoy reading more. Keep writing!
Writersblock101.

Thank you so much for taking your time to read this Writersblock, I appreciate it very much!! And I'm so glad you liked it!! =D
--Lucyy xx

Hey, lucyy
I just wanted to tell you what I thought about the preface of your story - I really liked it!
It really was a little short, and I think there are some parts that you can expand so it's a little longer. But I definitely liked your plot and am looking forward to reading more

Here's a little bit more (I didn't read the previous posts, so I might just repeat stuff ...)

I looked into his emerald green eyes, sparkling with defiance. With love.

My first suggestion for this would be to make that "I looked into his emeral green eyes that were sparkling with defiance" or something like that. To me, it seems like that means she is somehow sparkling with defiance, which doesn't make much sense, right?
Also, you can expand this thought a lot more. Maybe not go really overboard, but you could tell us where they are, describe the atmosphere and/or tension between them (at least I assume there's a lot of tension).

I love you too, I wanted to shout back. I so desperately wanted to throw my arms around his neck, press my limp body against his strong statue, twist my fingers into his long, dark hair, and finally press my lips firmly against his. But I just couldn't - wouldn't. We both knew that our fates had been meddled with too much and we just could never be together.

Loved this part! I think it really conveys her desperation and her wish to be with him, although they somehow can't. Good job
What you could add to this, though, is maybe some more information about who or what exactly is "meddling" with their past, as you put it. Just so we know if it's their "doing" or someone else's. Or do you plan to reveal that in the following chapter(s)?

I looked into his beautiful eyes one last time, turned wordlessly on my heel and walked away into the throng of holiday-makers, tears streaming down my face.

A little question non-related to the review: what exactly do you mean by holiday-makers? Shame on my unfamiliarity with a lot of English terms/words, haha ...

As I walked away from him, dragging my heavy suitcase behind me, I heard the dominant sound of my heart breaking in two, pulling me apart from the inside as I walked away from my true love. My soul mate. My only love.

Saying "my true love. My soul mate. My only love" sounds like a repetition. I think I'd sound a little better if you'd say something like "my one and only love. My soul mate".


Overall - again, this was really good and you got me hooked
I absolutely adore twisted love stories with fate and whatelsenot tearing apart the couple ^^
As far as I can tell (and I'm totally no expert on this), your writing style and sentences are pretty awesome and I really like how you write

Keep it up
MySunshine

Thank you so much, MySunshine for reading and reviewing this; I appreciate it soooo much!! Also, thank you for your tips, they will come in extra useful, so thank you. And as for holiday-makers, it's just people going on holiday, as this is set in an airport, which I really must put in... Ooh!! Thank you for pointing that out, I can now go back and make it a bit more obvious that they're in an airport!!
Thank again, Sunshine (:
--Lucyy xx

lucyy wrote:This is a pretty short preface, but any suggestions or critiques on how I could make it better are extremely appreciated . Also, I could always use some help in what to call this!! Anyways, hope you enjoy it!!& thanks for choosing to read it!

-----

Preface

I looked into his emerald green eyes, sparkling with defiance. With love. I don't think you should have 'with love' in there.
I love you too, I wanted to shout back. I wanted so desperately to throw my arms around his neck, press my limp body against his strong statue, twist my fingers into his long, dark hair, and finally press my lips firmly against his. But I just couldn't - maybe add I? wouldn't. We both knew that our fates had been meddled with too much and we just could never be together. Rephrase it a little.
I looked into his beautiful eyes one last time, turned wordlessly on my heel and walked away into the throng of holiday-makers, tears streaming down my face.
As I walked away from him, dragging my heavy suitcase behind me, I heard the dominant sound of my heart breaking in two, pulling me apart from the inside as I walked away from my true love. My soul mate. My only love.

Nice!

Hi Lucy! I'm Firman, and this is my first review. I'm sorry if it's not too helpful, but I'll try my best.

The storyline flowed just fine, and I love the plot of the story. Unrequited love, is it ?
But, maybe you can add a little more description to the scenery. Where are they talking or at what time of the day.

Maybe like "...dragging my suitcase behind me, and as the sun sets far into the horizon, I heard the dominant..." ahaha too dramatic? That's the only thing I could think of, 'cause the others had done a thorough observation of the preface.

I also love your choice of vocabulary. It really gives depth and edge to the story. Keep on it

That's all from me and I hope it's helpful.
Firman

Ok, the nit-picking has pretty much been covered.

I love this!

I wanted to shout back. I wanted so desperately to throw my arms around his neck, press my limp body against his strong statue, twist my fingers into his long, dark hair, and finally press my lips firmly against his. But I just couldn't - wouldn't. We both knew that our fates had been meddled with too much and we just could never be together.

This has me completly hooked! Nice work!
If you were looking for a chapter title you could always use "My only love."
Just a thought.
Anywho. . .Well done!

I've now seen first hand about the advice you gave me. I understand more about the things you said.

I lov ethe emotion you've got into the piece and how each line leaves you wanting more.

I do get the feeling that the rest of it is going to explain what's happened to get them to thay point. I love the mixture of fate into it, it gives it a more magical feel.

Even though the despcription of his eyes isn't long it feels like I'm looking into them to.

I do think in the second parargraph you could have a least one more work which shows the feelings of the MC.

Overall, Its wonderful.

x