Remembering Emily chapter 4 part 1

As I lay in my hospital bed trying to remember what had happened I was interrupted in my thoughts by yet another visitor. The guy that walked in seemd to be about my age. He was pretty tall and lanky, he was also what some might call black or African-American if you prefer.

"Jaaake!!! So nice to see you....alive," He said with a smile revealing those pearly whites that only black people can have.

He strolled over to my bed to give me a high five.

"Good to see you too uhhhh..."

"Michael Reed Jackson," said the guy with a regal air.

"Michael Jackson?" I asked suspiciously.

"Yes indeed, the very same!"

The man from the corner of the room, who for some reason was still there, snorted and said in a scratchy voice,"His name's Peter Jones."

I didn't know who to believe until Peter burst out laughing. "Oh this is gonna be fu-un!"
Another person walked into the room. It was a girl with darker skin as well and long silky black hair. She had a very tight pink tube top on and too short jean shorts that could not have been comfortable.

"Oh lay off him Pete, he doesn't even know who you are anymore." Then addressing me she said, "I'm Rachel, and don't mind him hun, you'll get used to him eventually, you guys were like best friends before all this. He just likes to goof off."

Peter laughed, " Yeah and this beauty here is so vain she can't go an hour without looking at herself in the mirror."

Even as the words left his mouth, Rachel was looking at her reflection in the hospital window applying some lip gloss. I can never understand why girls had to keep thier lips glossed 24/7.

"You better watch what you say hun, I know where you were last night." She said as she flipped her hair over her shoulder.

Peter put his hands to his face in mock horror "You mean you're gonna tell my mom that I was in my room?!?!? Just kill me now!"

Rachel rolled her eyes,"Yeah you got to your room at twelve after partying at Danny's place hun ."

"Well now HUN, who's my mom gonna believe? Me or you? She don't even know you!"

Rachel cackled "guess we'll find out."

I got tired of listening to them argue...I couldn't believe that these people were supposedly my friends. I leaned back and closed my eyes.

"Hey man, has Emily come to see you yet?" asked Peter suddenly.

"Mmhmm" I mumbled tiredly.

"I bet she was an emotional wreck."

"That poor thing, she probably couldn't get a word out. I know I couldn't when my boyfriend was in the hospital after that motorcycle wreck."

"Now was that boyfriend 32 or 56?" Peter teased

Rachel just glared.

"What do you mean boyfriend? Was Emily my..."

"Ahhh I forgot, you can't remember anything...yep she's your twin sister and she was always over protective of you and..."

"Peeeettteeeeer!!! Cut it out! Jake, Emily was your girlfriend...."

AAAAAH! Now I want the next one! Darn, cause you just posted this one, too.... Hurry up and keep writing; it's so good! Anyway, a few minor grammar and spelling errors, but not too many. Just remember to keep that in mind as you write. And keep posting on my wall when you finish chapters!

Hi,

Oh, my friend, you must hurry with that part 2. :] Haha, excellent! Uhm, a few grammatical errors and capitalization, as well as punctuation. Otherwise, it was perfect! Good job!

Farewell,
A.

Yay!! I have been waiting! Very good chapter. Nice job with the descriptions by the way!
Few errors. Mistakes like always will be in red.

As I lay in my hospital bed trying to remember what had happened I was interrupted in my thoughts by yet another visitor. The guy that walked in seemd to be about my age. He was pretty tall and lanky, he was also what some might call black or African-American if you prefer.

Just a little error, you just forgot the e.
A few other spelling errors and few grammatical errors. Just read over you work again, never hurts anyone
"I bet she was an emotional wreck."

"That poor thing, she probably couldn't get a word out. I know I couldn't when my boyfriend was in the hospital after that motorcycle wreck."
"Now was that boyfriend 32 of 56?" asked Peter playfully.
Rachel just glared.
"What do you mean boyfriend? Was Emily my..."
"Ahhh I forgot, you can't remember anything...yep she's your twin sister and she was always over protective of you and..."
"Peeeettteeeeer!!! Cut it out! Jake, Emily was your girlfriend...."

Okay so here I couldn't understand at some parts who was talking. It isn’t a big deal, but I’m just letting you know.
Write again soon It is such a good story line. I’m thinking you could publish this story when it’s done! You are a very talented writer, keep it up!

One thing is perhaps it moves too quickly, I mean, the guy gets hit pretty bad...we can only guess how long he was out but it doesn't seem like it was very long and then people start filing in to see him. I realize that to keep the action moving in a hospital can be hard but it reads pretty fast and could be confusing. Aside from that I think you have a great story in the works. When I started reading it I was worried it was going to be just like every other romance novel you can pick up in the teen section but you did a great job of adding conflict and action right away to get the reader hooked!