Chapter one

He constantly warned me of the danger I was in by merely staying with him. And yet, I couldn't find the strength to walk away...not even then, as he slowly came towards me, blood lust evident in his obsidian eyes. I was his addiction, his drug, and yet, still his heart.


It's not the first time I had this dream. In fact lately, whenever I close my eyes, it was the only thing I could see. It was the same dream, nothing new. I would find myself in the middle of a deserted street, the inky darkness surrounding and suffocating me. The quiet so deafening and stiff you could drag a knife through it. I would look left, then right, no signs of life, human or inhuman, to be found. And yet I knew he was coming. He always did. As if his queue, that would be when he appeared. I could never see his face, always hidden in the darkness, All except those eyes. Those dark, obsidian eyes that gleamed in the night. He would appear, as if out of no where. A head taller tan me. He easily loomed over me, almost intimidating.

"So beautiful..." He would whisper, his voice deep, seductive, alluring. It sent shivers down my spine. His lips would part in a small, captivating, crooked smirk. His gleaming white fangs was always in my line of vision. His hands would always reach and tingle themselves in my hair. I always felt my blood pump throughout my body to the point where he would lean down until his hot breath tickle my pale, smooth skin. His mouth would part, fangs glistening, inches from my bare skin. A tremble would shake my body and he would chuckle, a sound that was terrifying as it was enticing.

"Not yet," He whispered softly. His lips would gently, teasingly, slide down my neck to my collar bone.
"But I'll make you mine" He murmured into my skin.
That's when I wake up, chest heaving, and beads of sweat sliding down my forehead, slim hands wrap tightly around each other. I aways had that same dream since I was thirteen. The same dream that always left me confuse, while my mind pound over who that man was. That man has been with me since I was thirteen.

Creeeeeeeepy.

...in the best of ways.

All right, Giselle. I'm Rach, here to review..

Two itty technical matters first. The first one is, don't forget to space your paragraphs out. YWS gets rid of indenting and shoves the paragraphs together into one giant paragraphhuggle and while huggles are nice, paragraphs should not huggle. In fact, paragraphs should keep their hands to themselves in public....sorry, metaphorlove gets the best of me sometimes.

Also, don't forget to proofread before you post. I know you're excited to post and get feedback...but if you're anything like me, you don't want your feedback to consist of people pointing out where you didn't capitalize or didn't spell something right or didn't put a comma. That's lamesauce. And, generally, practicing good punctuation is just a good idea. (Trust me, keep practicing and writing a ton, and schoolwork with writing parts will become so easy. When you're a senior in high school teachers will trip over themselves in awe and you'll think, "You thought that was good? Ookay, suit yourself." Digression again.

Now, onto the cool stuff.

I typically don't mention similarities I see between work here on YWS and work I've read in books, but...this did remind me a teency bit of Twilight. If you're a Twilight fan, watch yourself and make sure that it continues to be your own story. If you're not a fan, and are in fact incredibly offended at the moment, don't worry. I found this darker than Twilight, which is a big change in itself. And there's a creepiness (a good creepy!) about this vampire that adds some dimension, some layers to the cake.

The creepiness comes largely out of the fact that he's stalking a 13 year old girl in her dreams, and his dialogue is threatening. I actually have a pretty decent picture and idea of him in my mind, considering this chapter here is so short, I can fit all of it on the screen and still see the reply box.

Critiquey stuff.

This line here:

My sea blue eyes would always widen at the sight of hi gleaming white fangs

There are a couple things gone amiss there that tie into a larger issue to be aware of. This is in first person, which means we're seeing things through her eyes. So how is it that your narrator knows that her eyes are widening? I'm never conscious of that fact myself. (Unless this is one of those weird dreams that you see from someone outside of yourself.)

The second thing: sea blue eyes. I don't know about you, but when a vampire's breathing on me and inches from killing me, the last thing I'm going to be thinking about is my eye color. The only time I think about my eye color is when someone asks me what color my eyes are or perhaps when I'm shopping for something special and want to bring out my eyes. Last thing that's going to be going through my head when a vampire's right there is, "My green eyes are so wide right now."

See how silly that is?

The same thing goes for her hair color. I'm definitely not thinking, "He's brushing aside strands of my brown hair." I don't think it and I don't feel the brown hair going over my face. Brown hair feels no different than blond or black or red hair...and in a dark alley, I'm certainly not going to be seeing my hair color really well, much less paying attention to it.

Don't worry, though. It happens. The reason is you want to tell us is because you want us to know what she looks like. You have to figure out some other sneaky way to do that, one that makes sense. The bottom line is that this is first person, and in first person you're limited to what the narrator knows and experiences, nothing more. (But first person has plenty of advantages to make up for it.)

And, that's it. Let me know if you have any questions!

Rach

Thanks for the review , it helped alot.

Hi there, Giselle. This is rather creepy. o.0 I feel like this story will have some really strong content. You should rate it. About your writing, I would suggest you to re-read before posting.


Now, some nitpicks:

Giselle97 wrote:And yet, I couldn't find the strength to walk away......not even then, as he slowly came towards me, blood lust evident in his obsidian eyes.

Those are a lot of periods, three periods make an ellipse.

Giselle97 wrote: Its not the first time I had this dream.

You forgot the apostrophe in "it's."

Giselle97 wrote:he easily loomed over me, almost intimidating.

The "H" in he should be uppercase.

Giselle97 wrote:"So beautiful......."

Again, too many periods.

Giselle97 wrote:My sea blue eyes would always widen at the sight of hi gleaming white fangs.

I found a typo! 8D

Giselle97 wrote:"Not yet" He whispered softly.

There should be a comma after "yet": Not yet," He whispered softly.

Giselle97 wrote:Thatswhen I wake up, chest heaving, and beads of sweat sliding down my forehead, slim hands wrap tightly around each other.

You forgot the apostrophe in "That's".

Giselle97 wrote:I aways had that same dream since I was 13.

There's a typo in "always". And I believe that thirteen should be written in words.

Giselle97 wrote:The same dream that always left me comfuse, while my mind pound over who that man was.

"Confuse" is with 'n' not with 'm'.

Giselle97 wrote:That man that been with me since I was 13.

I think you meant: That man that has been with me since I was thirteen.

Keep Writing.

~Solvy <3

Thanks for your view, sometimes I make mistakes like that but thanks for you advice ;D

Great start! I love the air of creepy mystery this has. Okay, a few minor nitpicks: In fact lately, whenever I close my eyes, it was the only thing I could see. Watch your verb tense here. I would find myself in the middle of a deserted street, the inky darkness surrounding and suffocating me. The quiet so deafening and stiff you could drag a knife through it. I would just join these to sentences. Put a comma after me, instead of a period. I would look left, then right, no signs of life, human or inhuman, to be found. I would look left, then right; there were no signs of life -- human or inhuman -- to be found. And yet I knew he was coming. He always did. Ooooh! I love this! As if his queue, that would be when he appeared. Hmmm... maybe delete this sentence and skip straight to the next one. I'm not really sure it fits there. I could never see his face, always hidden in the darkness, All except those eyes. All should be lowercase here. He would appear, as if out of no where. Nowhere is one word. A head taller tan me. You don't need to say this. Your next sentence takes care of it. "So beautiful..." He would whisper, his voice deep, seductive, alluring. He should be lowercase here. His hands would always reach and tingle themselves in my hair. Um, I believe you meant to say tangle? His gleaming white fangs was always in my line of vision. His hands would always reach and tingle themselves in my hair. I always felt my blood pump throughout my body to the point where he would lean down until his hot breath tickle my pale, smooth skin. You say always way too many times in these sentences. See if you can rephrase this bit with the same idea, but less uses of the same words. I always had that same dream since I was thirteen. The same dream that always left me confuse, while my mind pound over who that man was. That man has been with me since I was thirteen. This part is a bit awkward. Read it aloud to yourself, and see if you can change it to make it flow better.

Okay, overall I really really enjoyed reading this. Some minor verb tense and punctuation problems, so try to keep that in mind when you write. But other than that, fantastic job!!!

Thank you for the review. I'll make sure I fix the all the mistakes ;D