Chapter 2

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It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be when school started. Luckily Nick was in my homeroom and 1st block. But the rest I had to figure out myself. It wasn’t hard though. It was fairly easy to get around. But still at the end of the day I was tired. I was drained from all the day’s events.
When I got ‘home,’ I went straight upstairs. I threw my bag on the floor and sat on my twin bed sighing. I closed my eyes lying back on the soft comforter. I don’t know how long I was there but a soft knock on the door startled me. I looked up to see who it was. It was Mom.
“You did your homework?” She came to sit at the edge of the bed.
“No.” I groaned.
“Honey you need to do it then come eat dinner. We’ve been calling you down.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t hear you.”
“It’s ok. Well you get to that homework then come down for dinner.”
“Ok.” I said sitting up as she walked out of the room.
I got straight to my homework. I had Math and Social Studies homework but the rest of my classes didn’t give me homework. Once I was done I went down to eat my dinner. I had mashed potatoes, corn, steak and water. When I finished I went to the living room to say goodnight to everybody. The only person who wasn’t on the couch in front of the TV was Nick. I was told he was in his room.
Luckily for me (not) he was next door to my room. I had to pass his to get to mine. I went up and knocked on his door loudly to make sure he could hear me over his rock music that was blaring through the door. He opened the door with an impatient “Yes?” Then seeing it was me said “Oh! Sorry I thought you were my mom here to tell me to cut it down.”
“It’s ok. I came to say goodnight.”
“Oh ok. I guess I will have to cut it down so you can sleep.”
“Thanks.” I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. “Goodnight.” I slipped to my room while he was still shocked. I smiled to myself as I got dressed for bed. I stayed up a little while pondering what I had done.


The next day I went to school more confident about everything. Well that was of course the day a girl comes up to me and tries to start something. Of course on the second day of school right?!
“What are you doing with my boyfriend?”
“Who are you talking about?”
“Nick! God you’re so clueless!”
“I’m sorry but I live in his house.” I tried to get away.
“Well stay away from him you little tramp,” she said letting me go. I went down the hallway trying to look like she hadn’t gotten to me.
When I got to 1st block everybody was staring at me. Nick came to the desk next to me. “Why is everybody staring at you?” he whispered.
I turned to him. “Because your girlfriend threatened me this morning!” I stared at him hard.
“Seriously?! I keep telling her we are not dating!” He muttered to himself staring straight ahead. Then the math teacher came in and I had to face the front. When class ended Nick got his stuff together slowly.
I walked to the front of the classroom. I looked at his distracted look wondering what he was thinking. When he walked to the front of the room I put my hand on his shoulder. “You ok?”
He smiled at me though it didn’t reach his eyes. “Yea, I’m fine.”
I looked at him hard for a second then decided to let it go.
“Okay. As long as you say so.”
The rest of the day I busied myself with class. When lunch came around I went to the library to do my homework since I had so much of it.
“I told you to stay away from him!”
I looked up startled. “What?”
“You didn’t stop talking to my boyfriend! Now you’re going to get it!” she glared at me.
“Darlene leave her alone.” Nick said setting his stuff down at my table. I hadn’t even realized he had come up.
“Why? You’re mine.” She turned and looked at him.
He met her steely gaze. “How many times do I have to tell you? It’s over. We are not together anymore.” He glared at her.
She turned and stomped out of the library. I stared after her wondering if she was going to turn around and come back.
“Just ignore her.” I turned to Nick. I stared at him. He looked like nothing was wrong or had happened. Then after a few I turned back to my work. We worked in silence for a while. All you could hear was pencils and papers turning. Then I couldn’t take it any longer.
“So are you dating her?”
“Who?”
“Darlene.”
“No. We were dating then I broke up with her. Ever since then she has been stuck on me. Whoever I hang out with or show interest in she goes after. I have no idea why.”
“So basically she’s an ex who’s stuck on you and won’t let go?”
“Yes.”
“Lovely.” I said and went back to my work.
“Why she thinks we are still dating is beyond me. I don’t know what goes on in a girl’s mind. Sometimes I don’t even know what’s going on in a guy’s mind.”
“I guess she thinks we are together because I ride to school with you and we live in the same house.”
“I guess it would be easy excess to you right?” I looked up to see him smiling.
“Um…ok?” I was blushing and studying his face.
“Would you be willing to date me?” He said leaning over the table.
“I probably would.” I said blushing still.
“Well then now you’re my girlfriend.”
“What?!” I stared at him.
“Yep you’re my girlfriend. So be prepared.” He gathered his stuff and left before I could do anything about it.
The rest of the school day was a blur. I don’t remember much of it. Then when I got home I got a big shock.
“The court date is set! I’m divorcing your dad!” my mom said jumping up and down.
“Whoa! What?!”
“Your dad and I are divorcing.”
“Um…great?” I said still shocked over the news.
“We have to celebrate! Go out and have fun!”
I heard her down the hall talking to Carrie. I went to my room and dropped my bag on the floor. Then I went to my ‘boyfriends’ room. The door opened right after I knocked. “Well, well. Look who we have here.” He said smiling.
“Oh shut up and let me in.” I said but couldn’t help smiling too.
“Yes ma’am!” he said opening the door. His room was almost the same layout as mine. Bed in the corner, desk near the door only thing that was different was that there was a bookshelf unlike in my room. There were lots of posters too. They had cars, video games, and girls.
“So what brings you to my room?” he said sitting in his desk chair.
“I have to go and celebrate my mom divorcing my step-dad.” I said staring out the window.
“Oh.” He stared at me for a while. I guess he was watching my reaction to it all. I sighed and plopped down on the bed.
“I guess I never thought this would happen.”
“You probably didn’t. How long has he been your dad?”
“Since I can remember.”
“Hmmm.” Just then a knock came from the door. My mom cracked it open enough to stick her head in. She glanced between us smiling, then with her pointer finger motioned for me to come with her.
“Bye.” I said walking out of the room with a sigh. I thought I heard him chuckle as we left.
Turns out mom had a new dress for me. It goes to my knees and is white. It is sleeveless and has a deep neckline. It bugs me half to death because it’s so low. I felt like I was going to fall out of it when I bent down.
That night while we were out mom’s phone went off constantly. She would look at it let her finger hover over the answer key then press ignore. After a while Carrie took her phone and cut it off. Then when she did that we had more fun. It was great.




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Eh...erm...eeee...meh....mleh. This pains me.You have such fantastic potential but it's the little things that are keeping this from being good.

I have a mix of positive and negative things to say, so I'm gonna start with the negative to get it out of the way:

First of all, you go sosososososo fast with this! Like, it's just like wake up, new house, kiss, school, home, homework, kiss, school, fight, new boyfriend, then all the sudden she's out celebrating. I wish you would slow it down, pleeeeaaaase!!!!!

Second, go into more detail. PLEASE! Give me some more information, some more detail, some more insight, some more emotion, etc.

Also, you have to portray your characters better. I'd like to know more about all of them, not just that Anna is shy and Nick says, "You're my new girlfriend" 'cause that just makes me feel like he's seven. GIVE.ME.MORE!

I'm hoping what I've said will help some, and I look forward to reviewing more.

Now we're into the goods: I love love love the idea! Please keep developing this story and plot! PM me when you post more!
Live, Love, Laugh




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Okay, just like your last chapter, your biggest problem is sentences. A lot of them can be broken down and compacted into one. Try to do this as you write. It will make it much easier for the reader. Also, I agree with fictionfanatic in that this is moving too fast. We need more detail. I like the first kiss Nick gives her: it shows his bold, outgoing character. However, when Anna kisses him on the cheek, it's a little.... well, awkward. Maybe she should wait on that. Anyway, keep writing this story, and let me know when a third chapter arrives! Can't wait to read more!

TS
Behind every impossible achievement is a dreamer of impossible dreams.
--Robert Greenleaf




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Hey lovelyheart -

I just did a review on your first chapter, so I figured I'd stop in and check out the second one to see how things progressed here.

Generally speaking, my comments from the first chapter still stand: focus on character development, making the story your own, and developing a smoother prose style that's more comfortable for the reader. Nuance is a great thing. People are weird - sometimes they're stupider than you think they can be, but a lot of times they're smarter than you give them credit for. Assume your audience is intelligent, and then write accordingly.

Here are two big examples to follow on:
It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be when school started. Luckily Nick was in my homeroom and 1st block. But the rest I had to figure out myself. It wasn’t hard though. It was fairly easy to get around. But still at the end of the day I was tired. I was drained from all the day’s events.

This says, to me: School wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I had someone to help me. Then I didn't have help. But it was easy. I didn't need help. But I was tired anyway. I was drained from the events of not needing help at my new school that wasn't that hard.

Dude, snoozefest. I have complete faith in you that you can do better than that. Even a quick description of a quirky teacher would help. Or something funny or mildly embarrassing. She doesn't have to drop her lunch tray and have everyone laugh and point at how she's now covered in mashed potatoes (in fact, please don't; it's really overdone), but you know how it feels to be new somewhere. Everyone does. Capitalize on that. Maybe she tries to push open a door that she should pull and ends up feeling stupid. It doesn't have to be some huge, cataclysmic event - just something little that makes sense in context and can help us relate to your character.

Here was the other one:
I got straight to my homework. I had Math and Social Studies homework but the rest of my classes didn’t give me homework. Once I was done I went down to eat my dinner. I had mashed potatoes, corn, steak and water.

Again, why do I care? Unless she's been a vegetarian for three years and suddenly decided to eat a steak, why do I care if she ate steak? Or maybe she's lactose intolerant and somebody decided to make the mashed potatoes with milk and now her face is swelling up like a red balloon - that would at least be something happening. These are details, which is great, but they're mindless, unininteresting details, which is not so great.

Someone once said that a novel was life with all the boring parts taken out. Unless you can make her being bored interesting - ditch the mundane details.

Again - best of luck to you!

Ari
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"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie



May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death.
— An Unknown Bride, Leap Year