Not What They Appear

Today has been such a weird day. Thomas, my boyfriend, hugs me like he’s protecting me from something. But what? My best friend Nathan, who I’ve known since we were two, won’t even talk to me, and looks at me like I’m the most degusting thing. I think there’s something going on between Thomas and Nathan. Whenever Thomas and I would walk down the hallway, he would completely ignore Nathan and steer me away. Now we were walking to our class, hand in hand. When we got to my class, he lightly pulled my arm to bring me to him so he could kiss me. It was a small and short kiss but long enough for me to fill an edge to it.
When I walked into the classroom everyone, including Mrs. Bolls, my history teacher stared at me. Her classroom was the furthest from the rest of my classes. Apparently that isn’t a good enough excuse for being late. Again.
“Hmmm,” Mrs. Bolls said pulling out her tardy slip. Immediately she started scribbling on it. “Tardy again Ms. Class?” It wasn’t a real question, but the first time she asked me that, I told her no and she gave me ISS.
I walked over to my desk after receiving my tardy slip. It’s Friday, I reminded myself. Last bell. They had already started their notes on North and South cultural differences. Twenty minutes into class, I was starting to get bored, so I asked to go to the bathroom. As soon as I left I pulled out my phone and texted Thomas. When I looked up to walk around the corner I ran into him- literally.
“Alex!” he was holding his side and I saw that there was blood on his fingers.
“Your hurt.” my stomach turned from the sight of his blood.
“It’s nothing. You have to het out of here.” He turned his head as if someone called his name. “Now.”
He pushed me back into the classroom with the arm that wasn’t pushing down on the wound.
“Here,” he handed me his house keys and wrapped my fingers around it, and kept his fingers over mine. “Go to my place and stay in my room ‘til I get there.”
This time when he turned around, I heard his name being called. It was Nathan. Thomas let go of my hand and reached into his back pocket and pulled out a two-inched blade rapped in cloth.
“What the heck, Thomas.” I reached to grab the blade from him, but he was to fast and pulled it out of reach.
“If you haven’t noticed,” he pointed to his bloody side. “It’s my turn to fight back.” He unwrapped the blade and tucked the cloth in his pocket.
“Did Nathan do that to you?”
“Yea.” His side had stopped bleeding, but now the left side of his shirt was covered in blood. He was wearing a light blue- and now partly red- flannel shirt with a white T-shirt underneath. Before I could ask why, Nathan called his name again. But this time he was closer. Thomas turned back to me and lightly pushed me to the back door in the classroom.
“Run to my house and stay there. I’ll explain everything as soon as I can.” He kissed my forehead. Was he planning on killing Nathan?
I grabbed his arm before he could turn away. “Wait. Explain what? What’s wrong?”
“I’ll explain later.” He repeated. “It’s fine.” He opened the back door. “You need to hurry. I’ll see you soon.”
I softly kissed him on the lips. “Be careful.” I turned around and ran into the woods, praying Thomas would be okay.

Thomas
Ok, so all I have to do now is keep Alex safe, try not to die, and kill Nathan. Yea, this has really been my day. I took a deep breath and walked out of Mrs. Boll’s classroom to face Nathan.
“Don’t you look so tough with your little pocket knife?” he laughed.
He was right; all I had was a puny knife, and he had all the power in the world. I tightened my grip on the handle and stepped forward.
“Shut up and fight Nathan!” my grip on the handle was so tight, my knuckles were white.
“The words I want to hear.” He said seriously. He stared me down, not making a move.
I was the first to break the silence. I charged at him full speed, with the knife tight in my grip. A pain in my leg sent me falling. Nathan laughed, which sent a stream of shocks up my leg. I grunted in pain and tried to push myself back up, but the more I tried, the more the shocks spread across my body.
“It hurts doesn’t it? It’s new, so I thought I try it out on you.”
By the time I looked up he was over me. Ignoring the pain, I tried again to push myself up. I got to my hands and knees before I was straining to breathe. My whole body was in pain and was screaming for me to stay down.
“You know what sucks,” Nathan said crouching down in front of me. “You’re not even trying.”
That’s when I had enough. I took my chance, and fought back. With the knife still in my hands, I acted quickly and stabbed the back of his leg. I dug the knife into his leg until I felt bone, and then slightly twisted the knife. He groaned in response and reached for the knife. The pain slowly disappeared, fast enough for me to get up and take advantage of his weakness. I wrapped my arm around his neck and held him in a headlock. This time when he shocked me I was able to ignore it. I grabbed the knife, still in his leg, and pulled it to his neck. He struggled in my hold, but I tightened my grip around his neck.
“You know what sucks,” I said threatening him with the knife. “You’re not even trying.”
I slit his throat and dropped his body to the ground. My hand, covered in blood, was shaking, and my breathing was hard. Alex. I pulled out my phone and saw I had two new messages. Both were from Alex. I opened the first one:

Ugh, bored in history. Help.

It was sent right before I ran into her in the hallway. Not hesitating I opened the second. It was sent five minutes ago.

Call, I’m really freaked out. What’s going on?

I dialed her number. It rang three times before she picked up.
“Thomas! Where are you? Are you okay?” Alex asked. She sounded relieved.
“Alex, I’m fine, are you still at my place? Don’t leave, I’ll be there soon.” I took off the blue flannel shirt and used it to clean off the knife.
“What about Nathan? Is he...” She trailed off her sentence.
“Yea he’s dead. Don’t worry, but we need to leave.” After cleaning off my knife I tossed my shirt in the trash and wrapped my knife in the cloth. I tucked it back into my pocket and headed out the back and to my house. “Leave? You mean away… from here? Why?”
“Because, you here puts you into danger. We’ll talk about this-”
“Now,” she said interrupting me. “We’ll talk about this now. I just can’t leave. What about my parents? And what’s with you and Nathan? Why on Earth would he stab you, and you killing him?”
I walked up to the door. “I’m here, can you opened the door?”
With the phone still in her hand Alex opened the door and flung her arms over my neck. I wrapped my arms around her waist and laid my head on hers. We stayed like that for a while, but too soon she pulled away and said, “Explain.” She moved her hand from my neck to my hand and pulled me inside. She let go to sit down on the couch crossed-legged. I closed the front and I turned around to see her patting the seat next to her, inviting me over.
“It’s complicated.”
“Then make it uncomplicated. If I’m supposed to be leaving my family, I should know why.”
I sat down beside her and wrapped my arm around her shoulder. “It’s for your protection.”
“From what? Nathans dead, what else is there? I want to know why you killed him.”
“Same reason why we have to leave, to protect you.”
“You killed Nathan because you were protecting me?
“I killed Nathan because that’s what I do- kill the people who are trying to harm you.”
“Nathan was trying to hurt me?”
I tightened my grip around her shoulder. “I wasn’t going to let him. But there are others, which is why we have to go.”
She laid her head on my chest. I had to make a plan. Where would we go, where would she be safe? What about school, and Lucas, Nathan’s partner in crime. When he finds out that Nathans dead, he’ll know it was me. He would know I’d be with Alex trying to protect her. But if we got separated, he would see she was alone and,… No, I wouldn’t let it get that far. So we have to go far.
“Your side.” Alex said interrupting my train of thought. She lifted up my shirt. The stab mark was still fresh and was covered in dry blood. It looked pretty nasty, and Alex must have thought so too because she pulled down the shirt and got up and started pacing.
“Alex.” I held my hand out for her to sit back down, but when I looked at it, I saw that it was covered in dry blood. She waved my hand away.
“You need to the hospital, now.” She grabbed my dad’s keys on the counter. “you can drive, right?”
“Alex, it’s just a little scar. Sit back down.”
“Thomas, a little scar isn’t two inches deep.” She waved the keys in the air. “Either you drive, or I will.”

Hello Truth here for a review! I'll quote the whole thing if you don't mind, and edit as I go.

JAGibson1 wrote:Today has been such a weird day. Thomas, my boyfriend, hugs me like he’s protecting me from something. But what? My best friend Nathan, who I’ve known since we were two, won’t even talk to me, and looks at me like I’m the most disgusting thing. I think there’s something going on between Thomas and him. Whenever Thomas and I would walk down the hallway, he would completely ignore Nathan and steer me away, comma like now we were walking as we walk to our class, hand in hand. Is this what you meant? When we get to my class, he lightly pulls my arm to bring me to him so he can kiss me. It's a small and short kiss but long enough for me to fill an edge to it. Alright so just in the first paragraph, I can see you might have a bit of problems with your verb tenses to come in the rest of your story... I won't correct all of them, but only the ones that bother me most but when you review, keep in mind that everything should be in the present tense, except maybe if the character is recalling a past event

When I walked into the classroom everyone, including Mrs. Bolls, my history teacher, comma stares at me. Her classroom was the furthest from the rest of my classes. Apparently that isn’t a good enough excuse for being late. Again.

“Hmmm,” Mrs. Bolls said, comma and pulled out her tardy slip. Immediately, comma she started scribbling on it. “Tardy again Ms. Class?” It wasn’t a real question, but the first time she asked me that, I told her no, comma and she gave me ISS.

I walked over to my desk after receiving my tardy slip. It’s Friday, I reminded myself. Last bell. They had already started their notes on North and South cultural differences. Twenty minutes into class, and I start to get bored, so I asked to go to the bathroom. As soon as I leave I pulled out my phone and texted Thomas. When I looked up to walk around the corner I ran into him- literally.

“Alex!” he was holding his side and I saw that there was blood on his fingers.

“Your hurt, comma” my stomach turned from the sight of his blood. Also, keep in mind that there should always be a comma between your narration and your dialogue

“It’s nothing. You have to get out of here.” He turned his head as if someone called his name. “Now.”

He pushed me back into the classroom with the arm that wasn’t pushing down on the wound.

“Here,” he handed me his house keys and wrapped my fingers around it, and kept his fingers over mine. “Go to my place and stay in my room ‘til I get there.”

This time when he turned around, I heard his name being called. It was Nathan. Thomas let go of my hand and reached into his back pocket and pulled out a two-inched blade wrapped in cloth.

“What the heck, Thomas?” I reached to grab the blade from him, but he was to fast and pulled it out of reach.

“If you haven’t noticed,” he pointed to his bloody side. “It’s my turn to fight back.” He unwrapped the blade and tucked the cloth in his pocket.

“Did Nathan do that to you?”

“Yea.” His side had stopped bleeding, but now the left side of his shirt was covered in blood. He was wearing a light blue- and now partly red- flannel shirt with a white T-shirt underneath. Before I could ask why, Nathan called his name again. But this time he was closer. Thomas turned back to me and lightly pushed me to the back door in the classroom.

“Run to my house and stay there. I’ll explain everything as soon as I can.” He kissed my forehead. Was he planning on killing Nathan?

I grabbed his arm before he could turn away. “Wait. Explain what? What’s wrong?”

“I’ll explain later.” He repeated. “It’s fine.” He opened the back door. “You need to hurry. I’ll see you soon.”

I softly kissed him on the lips. “Be careful.” I turned around and ran into the woods, praying Thomas would be okay.

Thomas
Ok, so all I have to do now is keep Alex safe, try not to die, and kill Nathan. Yea, this has really been my day. I took a deep breath and walked out of Mrs. Boll’s classroom to face Nathan.

“Don’t you look so tough with your little pocket knife?” he laughed.

He was right; all I had was a puny knife, and he had all the power in the world. I tightened my grip on the handle and stepped forward.

“Shut up and fight Nathan!” my grip on the handle was so tight, my knuckles were white.

“The words I want to hear.” He said seriously and stared me down, not making a move.

I was the first to break the silence. I charged at him full speed, with the knife tight in my grip. A pain in my leg sent me falling. Nathan laughed, which sent a stream of shocks up my leg. I grunted in pain and tried to push myself back up, but the more I tried, the more the shocks spread across my body.

“It hurts doesn’t it? It’s new, so I thought I'd try it out on you.”

By the time I looked up he was over me. Ignoring the pain, I tried again to push myself up. I got to my hands and knees before I was straining to breathe. My whole body was in pain and was screaming for me to stay down.

“You know what sucks?” Nathan asked, comma crouching down in front of me. “You’re not even trying.”

That’s when I had enough. I took my chance, and fought back. With the knife still in my hands, I acted quickly and stabbed the back of his leg. I dug the knife into his leg until I felt bone, and then slightly twisted the knife. He groaned in response and reached for the knife. The pain slowly disappeared, fast enough for me to get up, comma and take advantage of his weakness. I wrapped my arm around his neck and held him in a headlock. This time when he shocked me I was able to ignore it. I grabbed the knife, still in his leg, and pulled it to his neck. He struggled in my hold, but I tightened my grip around his neck.

“You know what sucks?” I asked, comma threatening him with the knife. “You’re not even trying.”

I slit his throat and dropped his body to the ground. My hand, covered in blood, was shaking, and my breathing was hard. Alex. I pulled out my phone and saw I had two new messages. Both were from Alex. I opened the first one:

Ugh, bored in history. Help.

It was sent right before I ran into her in the hallway. Not hesitating, comma I opened the second. It was sent five minutes ago.

Call, I’m really freaked out. What’s going on?

I dialed her number. It rang three times before she picked up.

“Thomas! Where are you? Are you okay?” Alex asked. She sounded relieved.

“Alex, I’m fine, are you still at my place? Don’t leave, I’ll be there soon.” I took off the blue flannel shirt and used it to clean off the knife.

“What about Nathan? Is he...” She trailed off her sentence.

“Yea he’s dead. Don’t worry, but we need to leave.” After cleaning off my knife I tossed my shirt in the trash and wrapped my knife in the cloth. I tucked it back into my pocket and headed out the back and to my house.

“Leave? You mean away… from here? Why?”

“Because, you here puts you into danger. We’ll talk about this-”

“Now,” she said interrupting me. “We’ll talk about this now. I just can’t leave. What about my parents? And what’s with you and Nathan? Why on Earth would he stab you, and you killing him?”

I walked up to the door. “I’m here, can you opened the door?”

With the phone still in her hand, comma Alex opened the door and flung her arms over my neck. I wrapped my arms around her waist and laid my head on top of hers. We stayed like that for a while, but too soon, comma she pulled away and said, “Explain.”

She moved her hand from my neck to my hand and pulled me inside. She let go to sit down on the couch, comma crossed-legged. I closed the front door behind me and I turned around to see her patting the seat next to her, inviting me over.

“It’s complicated.”

“Then make it uncomplicated. If I’m supposed to be leaving my family, I should know why.”

I sat down beside her and wrapped my arm around her shoulder. “It’s for your protection.”

“From what? Nathan's dead, what else is there? I want to know why you killed him.

“Same reason why we have to leave, to protect you.”

“You killed Nathan because you were protecting me?"

“I killed Nathan because that’s what I do- kill the people who are trying to harm you.” Uh... that sounds creepy

“Nathan was trying to hurt me?”

I tightened my grip around her shoulder. “I wasn’t going to let him. But there are others, which is why we have to go.”

She laid her head on my chest. I had to make a plan. Where would we go, where would she be safe? What about school, and Lucas, Nathan’s partner in crime. When he finds out that Nathan's dead, he’ll know it was me. He would know I’d be with Alex, comma trying to protect her. But if we got separated, he would see she was alone and,… No, I wouldn’t let it get that far. So we have to go far.

“Your side.” Alex said interrupting my train of thought. She lifted up my shirt. The stab mark was still fresh and was covered in dry blood. It looked pretty nasty, and Alex must have thought so too because she pulled down the shirt and got up and started pacing.

“Alex.” I held my hand out for her to sit back down, but when I looked at it, I saw that it was covered in dry blood. She waved my hand away.

“You need to the hospital, now.” She grabbed my dad’s keys on the counter. “you can drive, right?”

“Alex, it’s just a little scar. Sit back down.”

“Thomas, a little scar isn’t two inches deep.” She waved the keys in the air. “Either you drive, or I will.”

Alright, so this sounds pretty good. My only complain would be the formatting, which is horrible and makes it really hard to read. But that can be fixed easily-- I spaced it out while editing-- Other than that, this beginning is making me curious, but it seems you might be going a bit fast, not explaining some details, or offering a nice intro first. Your characters seem pretty interesting, what with Thomas kinda freaking me out, and Alex who seems totally at lost of emotions, they make a nice couple! I'm curious of what could happen next. Keep on writing this!
-Truth-

Hey there. Before I start the review proper, I'd just like to say that your formatting could use a bit of help. Right now, there's no spaces in between paragraphs, which makes it a bit difficult to read on a screen.

You can easily fix this by hitting Edit and scrolling down to the bottom of the screen. There you'll find some formatting options. Selecting Story will automatically add a space in between paragraphs. :)

As for the content itself, spelling mistakes aside, this moved really fast and didn't make much sense. The main reason for this was twofold: the character's reactions were rushed and unrealistic, and there were almost no transitions between scenes.

Concerning the characters, Alex's reaction to the whole situation felt entirely too calm. Most girls I know would be completely flipping out and/or panicking at the sight of blood, much less their boyfriend having been stabbed, and would not just cooperate without even a scream or hysterics. Other girls I know would go and make the person who stabbed their boyfriend pay, especially if the stabber were their best childhood friend. In either case, just meekly cooperating with just token questions strikes me as being very unbelievable, and even if Alex may have good reasons to react that way, none of those possible reasons have been shown.

The next issue has to do with transitions. This is especially obvious at the point right after Thomas has killed Nathan. There is no mention between the time he kills Nathan and calls Alex of him going to his house or how long it takes him to get there. He's just at the school one moment and then at his house the next. If it's because he can teleport, then you need to mention something about him teleporting, otherwise it makes no sense to your readers how he got from the school to his house.

Basically, the main issue with this piece is how rushed everything is. Slow down, take your time writing, proofreading, and checking that everything makes sense, and this will be much better and less confusing to read.

Hi! I'll be reviewing this for you today.

Firstly, you just jumped into your story without really getting into the plot or anything. You just start the story right off the bat with no reeling or anything. Then you mention a bunch of names and conflicts and it seems so weird and unrealistic. I don't really understand where you're getting with all of it. Try slowing down your pace and explain your events little by little. No need to rush everything. This makes you forget important things like setting and characterization.
Your voice is strong and so is your dialogue but that can't stand on it's own. You'll have to go deeper into the story with that.

Right now, I don't really care about your characters. It's like a regular teenage story and nothing really that sets it apart or makes me really care about what kind of problems their having because I don't understand the person and his/her personality yet. That's important so make sure you make them a little more colorful.

You don't really explain things this ties back into how you make your story quite fast paced. This means you only give a little bit of explanation to the actions. Again, as the others have mentioned your formatting definitely needs to be fixed. Right now it looks like a very large block of text and that can be a little intimidating for other reviewers and may cost you some reviews. So, as Kyll mentioned you should click the edit button on top of your work and at the bottom there should be an option that allows you to put the story into a 'story' format and will create breaks for you automatically. This will help make your work feel lot more cleaner.

Some of the reactions in your story really don't make much sense either. Sometimes I ask myself why they're doing what their doing and why in the they're actin the way they're acting. You should ask yourself what you would do in that situation if you were that person. This can help create some more realism to the emotional scenes and we can make connections with the character's thoughts.

Overall, it has potential but it's going to have to be reworked a little bit.

-Pink

This has great potential but the onlything i really saw was you jumped into the plot a little too quickly without any backstory. Dont worry. I have that problem too. What might help is every so often ypu rereaf what you have and keep asking questions from thereaders point of view. The outside looking in. I hope that helps. Keep writing!!!!:D