Draw Near To Me

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Preface

Sometimes you just know when your in love. Its hard to explain how you know. Its impossible to put into words. Thats how it is for me. My name is Alison Meadows and I am in love with Jason Bentley.

We met last year, my freshman year in high school. I'm a sophmore now and he is a junior. He is the most amazing guy I've ever met. He is sweet, cute, and adorable. I've been secretly in love with him for a year.

He doesn't know how I feel about him. Barely anyone does. Hopefully that all will change soon. I'm tired of admiring from a far. Its time for something to happen and soon.


Chapter 1

It was finally January 4th. I had been waiting in agony for the past 2 weeks to pass. I was thrilled! I was finally going to get to see Jason.

Jason and I had met last year in art class. The first time he had looked at me he had smiled. During the second semester we had become friends and, I thought, on our way to something more. But something happened over the summer. For a whole semester we had barely talked or even looked at each other. This semester was going to be different.

I was armed for battle. I had on my brand new Tony Lama boots, with my gorgeous new belt. I had a very cute blouse, that I had worn to the FFA Christmas party, with a cropped blue jean jacket over it. I was going to be noticed this semester even if it killed me.

The seconds ticked by slowly. I thought the bus ride would never end. I walked down the hall of my school searching for Jason. I finally caught sight of him. My breath caught in my breath in my throat and my heart skipped a beat. I had not seen him in 2 weeks but time had not made me immune to his perfect features.

His blonde hair looking slightly messy with his ice blue eyes framed in dark lashes and his smile. Words cannot describe his smile. I couldn't help but think that he got sexier every dang day.

"Hey chica" I heard a high pitched voice practically scream in my ear.

I looked to see who it was and should have known it would be one of my best friends in the whole world, Cammie. "You might want to close your mouth and stop drooling." Cammie said.

I knew she was joking but she wasn't off by much. I glanced back at Jason for just a second. He was walking by me and we made eye contact for a second then he winked at me and flashed his million dollar smile. Let me repeat that. He winked at me. HE WINKED AT ME!

I almost screamed from the feeling of it. Finally he was noticing me again. Finally we were on our way to be something more, I hoped. I turned to Cammie with what I only supposed was a shocked look on my face.

"What?" Cammie asked with a curiousity rising in his voice. I couldn't answer. "What?!" Cammie nearly screamed.

"He winked at me" I barely managed to whisper.

"What?!" Cammie said in near disbelief.

"He winked at me!" I nearly screamed.

"OMG!" Cammie and I screamed in unison.

Then all of a sudden Cammie got deathly quiet. Her eyes got huge and her mouth nearly dropped open.

"What? Cammie what is it?!" I said frantically.

"Allie he's coming this way" Cammie said pronouncing every syllable.

I turned around so fast my long auburn hair whipped around me. When my hair layed flat again I saw him. Sure enough Jason was walking towards us. His eyes were locked on me and a smile was on his face. Not his normal smile but a nervous smile. I couldn't help myself, I had to smile back.

He walked right upo to me and wrapped his arms around my waist as he gave me a hug. I know hugs are normal but not for us, not with him. I threw my arms around him in response to him hugging me. I was in heaven. Him touching me made me remeber the last time he had touched me.

*It was the day of our ag final. We had all finished our test. I was sitting on a work table in the ag shop. I was talking to some of my friends when allof a sudden it felt like electricity coarsing through my leg. I looked down and Jason was laying his phone down on my leg and told me to pick a song.*

Jason pulled out of the hug after crossing the "just friends" line. I looked up at him and realized he had grew a few inches over the past two weeks. He flashed me a smile that made me want to melt right there and he put his arm around my shoulder.

I flashed Cammie a look that told her to get lost and fast. She glanced around a second then scurried off towards Brooke who was walking toward us. I knew that they would be watching us but I didn't care.

I slipped my arm around Jason's waist and kinda leaned into him. I don't know why I did this, it just seemed right. I looked up at Jason and saw a look on his face that I couldn't decipher.

"So how was your Christmas Break Allie?" Jason asked as he brushed a stray piece of hair out of my eyes.

"It was okay but it seemed very long and passed very slowly." I said. I was shocked at the words that had come out of my voice. What possessed me to say that?

A look of confusion flashed over Jason's perfect features but he instantly recovered and smiled at me. That smile was going to be the death of me. I would do anything for that smile.

"Why do you think it was so long?" Jason asked, his voice genuily curious.

"Because I couldn't see you." I said almost choking on the words as they came out of my mouth. I wished instantly I could take them back, but then again I didn't. Why was I being so honest with him? Five seconds ago I wouldn't have dreamed I would be this honest with him. It must be that smile. Curse that smile!

"So you misse me huh" Jason said with a very flirty smile on his face. Jason leaned down and whispered in my ear "I missed you too. A lot. More than you can imagine."

I shivered because Jason's breath had tickled my ear. He seemed to take pleasure in that little shiver. His grip around my shoulders tightened, pulling me closer to him. I moved in even closer savoring this moment.

All of a sudden the first bell rang. My whole self had been so focused on Jason that the bell had made me jump nearly jump out of my skin. Jason smile at my jumpiness. He moved his arms to around my waist and gave me another hug. I felt something in my hair. Could it have been his lips? I felt weak kneed at the thought of his lips in my hair.

Jason unwound his arms from around my waist and tilted my head up so I was looking at him. He smiled then said "see you next period."

I watched him as he walked toward his first period class. Every part of me that he had touched burned, especially my heart. I knew right then as I watched his retreating figure that this semester would be different. For the better.
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead :o <3




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Hey Allie, I'm going to review your piece! :>
Corrections/suggestions in red.

AllieMeadows wrote:Preface

Sometimes you just know when you're in love. It's hard to explain how you know. It's impossible to put into words. That's how it is for me. My name is Alison Meadows and I am in love with Jason Bentley.

We met last year, my freshman year in high school. I'm a sophomore now and he is a junior. He is the most amazing guy I've ever met. He is sweet, cute, and adorable<--these mean the same thing. I've been secretly in love with him for a year.

He doesn't know how I feel about him. Barely anyone does. Hopefully that all will change soon. I'm tired of admiring from a far. Its time for something to happen and soon.


Chapter 1

It was finally January 4th. I had been waiting in agony for the past two weeks to pass. I was thrilled! I was finally going to get to see Jason.

Jason and I had met last year in art class. The first time he had looked at me he had smiled. During the second semester we had become friends and, I thought, on our way to something more. But something happened over the summer. For a whole semester we had barely talked or even looked at each other. This semester was going to be different.

I was armed for battle. I had on my brand new Tony Lama boots, with my gorgeous new belt. I had a very cute blouse, that I had worn to the FFA Christmas party, with a cropped blue jean jacket over it. I was going to be noticed this semester even if it killed me.

The seconds ticked by slowly. I thought the bus ride would never end. I walked down the hall of my school searching for Jason. I finally caught sight of him. My breath caught in my breath in my throat and my heart skipped a beat. I had not seen him in two weeks but time had not made me immune to his perfect features.

His blond (you use blonde for girls) hair looking slightly messy with his ice blue eyes framed in dark lashes and his smile. Words cannot describe his smile. I couldn't help but think that he got sexier every dang day. Mmm, I love blonds too!

"Hey chica" I heard a high pitched voice practically scream in my ear.

I looked to see who it was and should have known it would be one of my best friends in the whole world, Cammie. "You might want to close your mouth and stop drooling." Cammie said.

I knew she was joking but she wasn't off by much. I glanced back at Jason for just a second. He was walking by me and we made eye contact for a second then he winked at me and flashed his million dollar smile. Let me repeat that. He winked at me. HE WINKED AT ME!

I almost screamed from the feeling of it. Finally he was noticing me again. Finally we were on our way to be something more, I hoped. I turned to Cammie with what I only supposed was a shocked look on my face.

"What?" Cammie asked with a curiosity rising in her voice. I couldn't answer. "What?!" Cammie nearly screamed.

"He winked at me" I barely managed to whisper.

"What?!" Cammie said in near disbelief.

"He winked at me!" I nearly screamed.

"OMG!" Cammie and I screamed in unison.

Then all of a sudden Cammie got deathly quiet. Her eyes got huge and her mouth nearly dropped open.

"What? Cammie what is it?!" I said frantically.

"Allie he's coming this way" Cammie said pronouncing every syllable.

I turned around so fast my long auburn hair whipped around me. When my hair lay flat again I saw him. Sure enough Jason was walking towards us. His eyes were locked on me and a smile was on his face. Not his normal smile but a nervous smile. I couldn't help myself, I had to smile back.

He walked right up to me and wrapped his arms around my waist as he gave me a hug. I know hugs are normal but not for us, not with him. I threw my arms around him in response to him hugging me. I was in heaven. Him touching me made me remember the last time he had touched me.

* <--why did you put a star here?It was the day of our ag (?) final. We had all finished our test. I was sitting on a work table in the ag shop. I was talking to some of my friends when all of a sudden it felt like electricity was coursing through my leg. I looked down and Jason was laying his phone down on my leg and told me to pick a song.* (?)

Jason pulled out of the hug after crossing the "just friends" line. I looked up at him and realized he had grew a few inches over the past two weeks. He flashed me a smile that made me want to melt right there and he put his arm around my shoulder.

I flashed Cammie a look that told her to get lost and fast. She glanced around a second then scurried off towards Brooke who was walking toward us. I knew that they would be watching us but I didn't care.

I slipped my arm around Jason's waist and kinda leaned into him. I don't know why I did this, it just seemed right. I looked up at Jason and saw a look on his face that I couldn't decipher.

"So how was your Christmas Break Allie?" Jason asked as he brushed a stray piece of hair out of my eyes.

"It was okay but it seemed very long and passed very slowly." I said. I was shocked at the words that had come out of my voice. What possessed me to say that?

A look of confusion flashed over Jason's perfect features but he instantly recovered and smiled at me. That smile was going to be the death of me. I would do anything for that smile.

"Why do you think it was so long?" Jason asked, his voice genuinely curious.

"Because I couldn't see you." I said almost choking on the words as they came out of my mouth. I wished instantly I could take them back, but then again I didn't. Why was I being so honest with him? Five seconds ago I wouldn't have dreamed I would be this honest with him. It must be that smile. Curse that smile!

"So you missed me, huh?" Jason said with a very flirty smile on his face. Jason leaned down and whispered in my ear "I missed you too. A lot. More than you can imagine." <--this seems a little heavy for a casual convo

I shivered because Jason's breath had tickled my ear. He seemed to take pleasure in that little shiver. His grip around my shoulders tightened, pulling me closer to him. I moved in even closer savoring this moment.

All of a sudden the first bell rang. My whole self had been so focused on Jason that the bell had made me jump nearly jump out of my skin. Jason smile at my jumpiness. He moved his arms to around my waist and gave me another hug. I felt something in my hair. Could it have been his lips? I felt weak kneed at the thought of his lips in my hair.

Jason unwound his arms from around my waist and tilted my head up so I was looking at him. He smiled then said "see you next period."

I watched him as he walked toward his first period class. Every part of me that he had touched burned, especially my heart. I knew right then as I watched his retreating figure that this semester would be different. For the better.


This was nice. Pretty common plot line, though. Keep writing!

~Lauren
Favorite books:

The Hunger Games

Eyes Like Stars

Life of Pi

Mortal Instruments

Howl's Moving Castle




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Hey :) welcome to YWS xD

I really like the preface :O it was short and straight to the point. Main character who's in love with Jason.

That's how it is for me. My name is Alison Meadows and I am in love with Jason Bentley.

We met last year, my freshman year in high school. I'm a sophomore now


When my hair layed (Lay) flat again I saw him.


Him touching me made me remember the last time he had touched me.


I was talking to some of my friends when all of a sudden it felt like electricity coursing through my leg.


This story is enjoyable, I love how it's written and the plot is great xD

The only thing that could improve this is a bit of background information about Alison and her friend Cammie. Who is Cammie? I know she's Alison's best friend but so far it doesn't seem like it, Cammie just appears and disappears in the story, so maybe you could describe her, tell us a bit more about her :) Then also about Alison- I'm sure she has a lot more to her character then her interest in Jason.

I reallyy like this story and I'm sure with a bit more information this chapter would be perfect. xD I can't wait to read more of this and find out what happens with Jason. Keep writing xD
"We love the ones that ignore us
But ignore the ones that love us"

Alexx




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Hello there. :)
That's how it is for me. My name is Alison Meadows and I am in love with Jason Bentley.

I'm tired of admiring him from far. Its time for something to happen comma and soon.

I had been waiting in agony for the past two weeks to pass.

Write the full number, it's looks better. :)
The seconds ticked by slowly. I thought the bus ride would never end, but I finally arrived at school. I walked down the hall of my school searching for Jason. I finally caught sight of him. My breath caught in my breath in my throat and my heart skipped a beat. I had not seen him in two weeks but time had not made me immune to his perfect features.

His blond hair looking slightly messy with his ice blue eyes were framed with dark lashes period. And his smile.

Cammie asked with a curiosity rising in her voice.

Allie he's coming this way comma" Cammie said comma pronouncing every syllable.

I turned around so fast comma my long auburn hair whipped around me.

He walked right up to me and wrapped his arms around my waist as he gave me a hug. I know hugs are normal but not for us, not with him. I threw my arms around him in response to him hugging me. I was in heaven. His touch made me remember the last time he had touched me.

I was talking to some of my friends when all of a sudden it felt like electricity coursing through my leg.

What possessed me to say that?

I don't know what you wanted to say here, but whatever it is, it doesn't quiet make sense.
Jason asked, his voice genuinely curious.

I said comma almost choking on the words as they came out of my mouth.

"So you missed me comma huh?

All of a sudden the first bell rang. My whole self had been so focused on Jason that the bell had made me jump nearly jump out of my skin. Jason smile at my jumpiness. He moved his arms to around my waist and gave me another hug. I felt something in my hair. Could it have been his lips? My knees felt weak kneed at the thought of his lips in my hair.

He smiled then said comma "see you next period."

This is a great beginning, but I can't help to wonder if a guy would actually do that when he haven't talked to her in a long time... I think it would be more probable that he talks to her, but no hugs yet, or something? Unless he's really confident, and if that's so, you might want to tell us that and show us how much he knows he's pretty and that everyone loves him. If you understand what I mean. Other than that, well beside the obvious grammatical mistakes, it's pretty good. I would, however, advise you to proof read your stuff before posting it.

I'm looking forward to reading more. :)

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




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hey everyone thank so much for the pointers so far. I've corrected my grammer and took in some of ya'lls points. I'm gonna post the edited version and to theotherone I'm gonna explain the background of Alli and Jason in Chapter 3. I'm about to post Chapter 2 so please read and comment.
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead :o <3




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Here is an edited version of Chapter 1. It's not perfect but its better.

Preface

Sometimes you just know when you’re in love. It’s hard to explain how you know. It’s impossible to put into words. That’s how it is for me. My name is Alison Meadows and I am in love with Jason Bentley.

We met last year, my freshman year in high school. I'm a sophomore now and he is a junior. He is the most amazing guy I've ever met. He is sweet, cute, and adorable. I've been secretly in love with him for a year.

He doesn't know how I feel about him. Barely anyone does. Hopefully that all will change soon. I'm tired of admiring from a far. Its time for something to happen and soon.


Chapter 1

It was finally January 4th. I had been waiting in agony for the past 2 weeks to pass. I was thrilled! I was finally going to get to see Jason.

Jason and I had met last year in art class. The first time he had looked at me he had smiled. During the second semester we had become friends and, I thought, on our way to something more. But something happened over the summer. For a whole semester we had barely talked or even looked at each other. This semester was going to be different.

I was armed for battle. I had on my brand new Tony Lama boots, with my gorgeous new belt. I had a very cute blouse, which I had worn to the FFA Christmas party, with a cropped blue jean jacket over it. I was going to be noticed this semester even if it killed me.

The seconds ticked by slowly. I thought the bus ride would never end. I walked down the hall of my school searching for Jason. I finally caught sight of him. My breath caught in my breath in my throat and my heart skipped a beat. I had not seen him in 2 weeks but time had not made me immune to his perfect features.

His blond hair looking slightly messy with his ice blue eyes framed in dark lashes and his smile. Words cannot describe his smile. I couldn't help but think that he got sexier every dang day.

"Hey chica" I heard a high-pitched voice practically scream in my ear.

I looked to see who it was and should have known it would be one of my best friends in the whole world, Cammie. "You might want to close your mouth and stop drooling." Cammie said.

Cammie and I had met last year. She sat behind me in English and we became friends instantly. As the year wore on we became even closer as we realized how much we had in common.

I knew she was joking but she wasn't off by much. I glanced back at Jason for just a second. He was walking by me and we made eye contact for a second then he winked at me and flashed his million-dollar smile. Let me repeat that. He winked at me. HE WINKED AT ME!

I almost screamed from the feeling of it. Finally he was noticing me again. Finally we were on our way to be something more, I hoped. I turned to Cammie with what I only supposed was a shocked look on my face.

"What?" Cammie asked with a curiosity rising in his voice. I couldn't answer. "What?!" Cammie nearly screamed.

"He winked at me" I barely managed to whisper.

"What?!" Cammie said in near disbelief.

"He winked at me!" I nearly screamed.

"OMG!" Cammie and I screamed in unison.

Then all of a sudden Cammie got deathly quiet. Her eyes got huge and her mouth nearly dropped open.

"What? Cammie what is it?!" I said frantically.

"Allie he's coming this way" Cammie said pronouncing every syllable.

I turned around so fast my long auburn hair whipped around me. When my hair layed flat again I saw him. Sure enough Jason was walking towards us. His eyes were locked on me and a smile was on his face. Not his normal smile but a nervous smile. I couldn't help myself, I had to smile back.

He walked right up to me and wrapped his arms around my waist as he gave me a hug. I know hugs are normal but not for us, not with him. I threw my arms around him in response to him hugging me. I was in heaven. Him touching me made me remember the last time he had touched me.

*It was the day of our Ag final. We had all finished our test. I was sitting on a worktable in the Ag shop. I was talking to some of my friends when all of a sudden it felt like electricity coursing through my leg. I looked down and Jason was laying his phone down on my leg and told me to pick a song. *

Jason pulled out of the hug after crossing the "just friends" line. I looked up at him and realized he had grown a few inches over the past two weeks. He flashed me a smile that made me want to melt right there and he put his arm around my shoulder.

I flashed Cammie a look that told her to get lost and fast. She glanced around a second then scurried off towards Brooke who was walking toward us. I knew that they would be watching us but I didn't care.

I slipped my arm around Jason's waist and kind of leaned into him. I don't know why I did this, it just seemed right. I looked up at Jason and saw a look on his face that I couldn't decipher.

"So how was your Christmas Break Allie?" Jason asked as he brushed a stray piece of hair out of my eyes.

"It was okay but it seemed very long and passed very slowly." I said. I was shocked at the words that had come out of my voice. What possessed me to say that?

A look of confusion flashed over Jason's perfect features but he instantly recovered and smiled at me. That smile was going to be the death of me. I would do anything for that smile.

"Why do you think it was so long?" Jason asked, his voice genuinely curious.

"Because I couldn't see you." I said almost choking on the words as they came out of my mouth. I wished instantly I could take them back, but then again I didn't. Why was I being so honest with him? Five seconds ago I wouldn't have dreamed I would be this honest with him. It must be that smile. Curse that smile!

"So you missed me huh,” Jason said with a very flirty smile on his face. Jason leaned down and whispered in my ear "I missed you too. A lot. More than you can imagine."

I shivered because Jason's breath had tickled my ear. He seemed to take pleasure in that little shiver. His grip around my shoulders tightened, pulling me closer to him. I moved in even closer savoring this moment.

All of a sudden the first bell rang. My whole self had been so focused on Jason that the bell had made me jump nearly jump out of my skin. Jason smile at my jumpiness. He moved his arms to around my waist and gave me another hug. I felt something in my hair. Could it have been his lips? I felt weak kneed at the thought of his lips in my hair.

Jason unwound his arms from around my waist and tilted my head up so I was looking at him. He smiled then said, "see you next period."

I watched him as he walked toward his first period class. Every part of me that he had touched burned, especially my heart. I knew right then as I watched his retreating figure that this semester would be different. For the better.
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead :o <3




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AllieMeadows wrote:Preface

Sometimes you just know when your in love. Its hard to explain how you know. Its impossible to put into words. Thats how it is for me. My name is Alison Meadows and I am in love with Jason Bentley.

We met last year, my freshman year in high school. I'm nowa sophmore now delete nowand he is a junior. He is the most amazing guy I've ever met. He is sweet, cute, and adorable. I've been secretly in love with him for a year.

He doesn't know how I feel about him. Barely anyone does. Hopefully that all will change soon. I'm tired of admiring from a far. Its time for something to happen and soon.


Chapter 1

It was finally January 4th. I had been waiting in agony for the past 2 weeks to pass. I was thrilled! I was finally going to get to see Jason.

Jason and I had met last year in art class. The first time he had looked at me he had smiled. During the second semester we had become friends and, I thought, on our way to something more. But something happened over the summer. For a whole semester we had barely talked or even looked at each other. This semester was going to be different.

I was armed for battle. I had on my brand new Tony Lama boots, with my gorgeous new belt. I had a very cute blouse, that I had worn to the FFA Christmas party, with a cropped blue jean jacket over it. I was going to be noticed this semester even if it killed me.

The seconds ticked by slowly. I thought the bus ride would never end. I walked down the hall of my school searching for Jason. I finally caught sight of him. My breath caught in my breath in my throat and my heart skipped a beat. I had not seen him in 2 weeks but time had not made me immune to his perfect features.

His blonde hair looking slightly messy with his ice blue eyes framed in dark lashes and his smile. Words cannot describe his smile. I couldn't help but think that he got sexier every dang day.

"Hey chicacomma" I heard a high pitched voice practically scream in my ear.

I looked to see who it was and should have known it would be one of my best friends in the whole world, Cammie. "You might want to close your mouth and stop droolingcomma not period." Cammie said.

I knew she was joking but she wasn't off by much. I glanced back at Jason for just a second. He was walking by me and we made eye contact for a second then he winked at me and flashed his million dollar smile. Let me repeat that. He winked at me. HE WINKED AT ME!

I almost screamed from the feeling of it. Finally he was noticing me again. Finally we were on our way to be something more, I hoped. I turned to Cammie with what I only supposed was a shocked look on my face.

"What?" Cammie asked with a curiousity rising in his voice. I couldn't answer. "What?!" Cammie nearly screamed.

"He winked at mecomma" I barely managed to whisper.

"What?!" Cammie said in near disbelief.

"He winked at me!" I nearly screamed.

"OMG!most people say ohmigod but I do not know if thats just me" Cammie and I screamed in unison.

Then all of a sudden Cammie got deathly quiet. Her eyes got huge and her mouth nearly dropped open.

"What? Cammie what is it?!" I said frantically.

"Allie he's coming this waycomma" Cammie said pronouncing every syllable.

I turned around so fast my long auburn hair whipped around me. When my hair layed flat again I saw him. Sure enough Jason was walking towards us. His eyes were locked on me and a smile was on his face. Not his normal smile but a nervous smile. I couldn't help myself, I had to smile back.

He walked right upo to me and wrapped his arms around my waist as he gave me a hug. I know hugs are normal but not for us, not with him. I threw my arms around him in response to him hugging me. I was in heaven. Him touching me made me remeber the last time he had touched me.

*It was the day of our ag final. We had all finished our test. I was sitting on a work table in the ag shop. I was talking to some of my friends when allof a sudden it felt like electricity coarsing through my leg. I looked down and Jason was laying his phone down on my leg and told me to pick a song.*

Jason pulled out of the hug after crossing the "just friends" line. I looked up at him and realized he had grew a few inches over the past two weeks. He flashed me a smile that made me want to melt right there and he put his arm around my shoulder.

I flashed Cammie a look that told her to get lost and fast. She glanced around a second then scurried off towards Brooke who was walking toward us. I knew that they would be watching us but I didn't care.

I slipped my arm around Jason's waist and kinda leaned into him. I don't know why I did this, it just seemed right. I looked up at Jason and saw a look on his face that I couldn't decipher.

"So how was your Christmas Break Allie?" Jason asked as he brushed a stray piece of hair out of my eyes.

"It was okay but it seemed very long and passed very slowly.comma" I said. I was shocked at the words that had come out of my voice. What possessed me to say that?

A look of confusion flashed over Jason's perfect features but he instantly recovered and smiled at me. That smile was going to be the death of me. I would do anything for that smile.

"Why do you think it was so long?" Jason asked, his voice genuily curious.

"Because I couldn't see you.comma" I said almost choking on the words as they came out of my mouth. I wished instantly I could take them back, but then again I didn't. Why was I being so honest with him? Five seconds ago I wouldn't have dreamed I would be this honest with him. It must be that smile. Curse that smile!

"So you missemiss mecomma huhcomam" Jason said with a very flirty smile on his face. Jason leaned down and whispered in my ear comma"I missed you too. A lot. More than you can imagine."

I shivered because Jason's breath had tickled my ear. He seemed to take pleasure in that little shiver. His grip around my shoulders tightened, pulling me closer to him. I moved in even closer savoring this moment.

All of a sudden the first bell rang. My whole self had been so focused on Jason that the bell had made me jump nearly jump out of my skin. Jason smile at my jumpiness. He moved his arms to around my waist and gave me another hug. I felt something in my hair. Could it have been his lips? I felt weak kneed at the thought of his lips in my hair.

Jason unwound his arms from around my waist and tilted my head up so I was looking at him. He smiled then saidcomma "scapital See you next period."

I watched him as he walked toward his first period class. Every part of me that he had touched burned, especially my heart. I knew right then as I watched his retreating figure that this semester would be different. For the better.

Overall. Good it sounds a little cliche but oh well I am not one to judge haha. I am cliche when I write too it must be us :) happy holidays Jenn
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn




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Chapter 2

I went to my first period class, English. Just the thought of the word made me groan. Let me set something straight. I hate English! I hate my sarcastic teacher who detests me. I hate all the work and the subjective answers.

As I was sitting in my seat I didn’t hear one word the teacher said. My mind was far away. Well actually not that far. It was just over in the annex in Mr. Johnston’s room. I was jolted back into reality by my friend Celest.

“So how was your Christmas Break Allie?” Celest said in her usual chipper voice.

I was so shocked by being brought back to reality it took a second for me to respond. “It was ok, kinda long. I babysitted quite a bit and went to see my cousins in Houston. How about you?”

I pretended to listen to Celest’s stories but I couldn’t concentrate. I slowly slipped back into Never Never Land. Somehow between being out of it and pretending to listen to Celest my 55 minute first period passed sort of quickly.

I walked towards the ag building and the much awaited second period. I was almost out the door when I felt someone’s arm around my shoulder and heard “hello beautiful” in my ear.

I should have known it would be Jason but still, seeing his face just a few inches away from me still shocked me. I quickly recovered and responded “hey” as coolly as possible. Not creative but still something.

We walked over to the ag building in silence. He held both doors open for me like a perfect gentleman but instead of letting me go to my table he steered me towards his.

I looked up at him about to ask him why when he leaned down and whispered “I thought you could sit with me today.” He, of course, flashed his smile making my heart skip a beat and rendering me incapable of speech.

Jason pulled out my chair for me and I sat down. He walked over and grabbed both of our folders. When he handed me mine he flashed that smile again.

I murmured “thank you.” I was officially freaked out. What the heck was going on? I wanted to find out and soon!
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead :o <3




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Chapter 3

Jason sat down and opened his mouth about to say something when Garcia decided to start his lecture. I painfully turned my head to listen to Garcia’s lecture when I felt a sheet of paper hit my hand. I looked down to see Jason’s very neat print.

So what else did you do over Christmas Break? Besides missing me of course. As I read Jason’s note I looked over at him and saw him grin.

I picked up my pen and wrote, I didn’t miss you that much. Jason cast me a sidelong glance as I wrote that. Well maybe I did but I also had to baby-sit for a week and a half so my mind was a little preoccupied. I also had to go to Houston and had to hang out with my slut of a cousin. How about you? I passed the paper back to Jason.

When he passed it back I read, I spent my whole time thinking about you.

I rolled my eyes at him. He took the paper back and wrote, What?

I took the paper and wrote, I’m supposed to believe that all you did for two weeks was miss me?

Jason looked at the paper and scribbled down, Well my older brother and his wife came home but seriously you were on my mind every day.

I finally had had enough, Jason why are you doing this?

Doing what? Jason wrote back.

Acting like you like me. I mean we barely said two words to each other. So what the crap is it all of a sudden.

Jason looked at the paper and wrote, Allie do you like me?

I just looked at the paper and slowly wrote, Do you like me?

Jason barely paused as he wrote, Yes I do. So now answer my question; do you like me?

I figured if he was being honest I might as well be too, Yes I do.

How long have you liked me?

You first.

Ok I’ve liked you since last year when we went to the Livestock Show in San Antonio. Maybe even before that.

Him mentioning San Antonio made my heart beat faster. We had spent the whole day together. It had been a blast. It was the day I truly fell for Jason.

*Our FFA group went to the Livestock Show in San Antonio to conduct school tours. We had to get in pairs of 3 or 4. I was in Jason and Alex’s group. After we finished touring I hung out with Jason and Alex. It was so much fun to hang out with them and for them to flirt with me and me flirting back. Jason and I became close that day.*

So how long have you liked me?

About as long. So if you liked me why didn’t you do anything?

I was trying to clear my head and think about everything. As I read that I remembered what I had heard about him and his ex-girlfriend Brandy and how she had broken his heart.

Jason took the paper back and wrote, Can I ask you something? All joking had left Jason’s face and he looked dead serious.

Sure I passed the paper back to him.

It seemed like an eternity before he passed the paper back to me. When he did there was apprehension on his face and six simple words on the paper. Will you go out with me?

Before I could even think about what to say the bell rang causing me to jump out of my skin.
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead :o <3




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Loved this and your writing style. Make sure to pre-read before posting tho :D silly errors always get me too haha. You have a future in this!




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Edits in red

Preface

Sometimes, you just know when your in love. Its hard to explain how you know. Its impossible to put into words. Thats how it is for me. My name is Alison Meadows and I am in love with Jason Bentley.

We met last year in my freshman year in high school. I'm a sophmore now and he is a junior. He is the most amazing guy I've ever met. He is sweet, cute, and adorable. I've been secretly in love with him for a year.

He doesn't know how I feel about him. Barely anyone does. Hopefully that all will change soon. I'm tired of admiring from afar. Its time for something to happen and soon.


Chapter 1

It was finally January 4th. I had been waiting in agony for the past 2 weeks to pass. I was thrilled! I was finally going to get to see Jason.

Jason and I had met last year in art class. The first time he had looked at me, he had smiled. During the second semester, we had become friends and, I thought, on our way to something more, or so I thought.

But something happened over the summer. For a whole semester we had barely talked, or even looked at each other. But this semester was going to be different.

I was armed for battle. I had on my brand new Tony Lama boots, with my gorgeous new belt. I had a very cute blouse, that I had worn to the FFA Christmas party, with a cropped blue jean jacket over it. I was going to be noticed this semester even if it killed me.

The seconds ticked by slowly. I thought the bus ride would never end. I walked down the hall of my school searching for Jason. When I finally caught sight of him, my breath caught in my breath in my throat and my heart skipped a beat. I had not seen him in 2 weeks, but time had not made me immune to his perfect features.

His blonde hair looking slightly messy with his ice blue eyes framed in dark lashes and his smile. Words cannot even begin to describe his smile. I couldn't help but think that he got sexier every dang day.

"Hey chica" I heard a high pitched voice practically scream in my ear.

I looked to see who it was and should have known it would be one of my best friends in the whole world, Cammie. "You might want to close your mouth and stop drooling." Cammie said.

I knew she was joking, but she wasn't off by much. I glanced back at Jason for just a second. He was walking by me and we made eye contact for a second, then he winked at me and flashed me his million dollar smile. Let me repeat that. He winked at me. HE WINKED AT ME!

I almost screamed from the feeling of it. Finally, he was noticing me again! Finally we were on our way to be something more I hoped. I turned to Cammie with what I only supposed was a shocked look on my face.

"What?" Cammie asked with a curiousity rising in her voice.

I couldn't answer.

"What?!" Cammie nearly screamed.

"He winked at me" I barely managed to whisper.

"What?!" Cammie said in near disbelief.

"He winked at me!" I nearly screamed.

"OMG!" Cammie and I screamed in unison.

Then all of a sudden Cammie got deathly quiet. Her eyes got huge and her mouth nearly dropped open.

"What? Cammie what is it?!" I said frantically.

"Allie, he's coming this way" Cammie said, pronouncing every syllable.

I turned around so fast my long auburn hair whipped around me. When my hair layed flat again I saw him. Sure enough Jason was walking towards us. His eyes were locked on me and a smile was on his face. Not his normal smile but a nervous smile. I couldn't help myself, I had to smile back.

He walked right upo to me and wrapped his arms around my waist as in a hug. I know hugs are normal, but not for us, not with him. I threw my arms around him in response to him hugging me. I was in heaven. Him touching me made me remember the last time he had touched me.

*It was the day of our ag final. We had all finished our test. I was sitting on a work table in the ag shop. I was talking to some of my friends when all of a sudden it felt like electricity coarsing through my leg. I looked down and Jason was laying his phone down on my leg and told me to pick a song.*

Jason pulled out of the hug after crossing the "just friends" line. I looked up at him and realized he had grew a few inches over the past two weeks. He flashed me a smile that made me want to melt right there and he put his arm around my shoulder.

I flashed Cammie a look that told her to get lost and fast. She glanced around a second then scurried off towards Brooke who was walking toward us. I knew that they would be watching us, but I didn't care.

I slipped my arm around Jason's waist and kinda leaned into him. I don't know why I did this, it just seemed right. I looked up at Jason and saw a look on his face that I couldn't decipher.

"So how was your Christmas break Allie?" Jason asked as he brushed a stray piece of hair out of my eyes.

"It was okay but it seemed very long and passed very slowly." I said. I was shocked at the words that had come out of my mouth. What possessed me to say that?

A look of confusion flashed over Jason's perfect features but he instantly recovered and smiled at me. That smile was going to be the death of me. I would do anything for that smile.

"Why do you think it was so long?" Jason asked, his voice genuily curious.

"Because I couldn't see you." I said almost choking on the words as they came out of my mouth. I wished instantly I could take them back, but at the same time I didn't. Why was I being so honest with him? Five seconds ago I wouldn't have dreamed I would be this honest with him. It must be that smile. Curse that smile!

"So you missed me huh" Jason said with a very flirty smile on his face. Jason leaned down and whispered in my ear "I missed you too. A lot. More than you can imagine."

I shivered because Jason's breath had tickled my ear. He seemed to take pleasure in that little shiver. His grip around my shoulders tightened, pulling me closer to him. I moved in even closer savoring this moment.

All of a sudden the first bell rang. My whole self had been so focused on Jason that the bell had made me jump nearly jump out of my skin. Jason smile at my jumpiness. He moved his arms to around my waist and gave me another hug. I felt something in my hair. Could it have been his lips? I felt weak kneed at the thought of his lips in my hair.

Jason unwound his arms from around my waist and tilted my head up so I was looking at him. He smiled then said "See you next period."

I watched him as he walked toward his first period class. Every part of me that he had touched burned, especially my heart. I knew right then as I watched his retreating figure that this semester would be different. For the better.


This was really good. I find it a little strange that Jason just walked up and did that, but it's kind of interesting too.
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Hi!
I really enjoyed these three chapters.
But I was very curious why he all of a sudden started talking to her after two weeks of not speaking to her.
But overall I really liked it. You have a wonderful way of writing and you are very creative and down to Earth!
I can't wait to read more!
If you prick us, shall we not bleed?
If you tickle us, shall we not laugh?
If you poison us, shall we not die?
If you wrong us, shall we not revenge?
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Hey Allie :) You asked me to read this so I thought I'd take a look. Don't expect anything extremely thorough from me today, I thought I'd focus on first impressions.

Okay, first of all, sorry I didn't notice you had posted an edited version of chapter 1, which was the one that I read. Some of these points might be dated, but I hope it'll still of some help to you.

Now, let's see the preface you've got. The first sentence alone has an apostrophe mistake. I'm not going to tell you what it is; mainly because I'm sure someone has already done that, and also because when you really think about it, you will find it out yourself. Just remember that when you miss an apostrophe in a word, the meaning may change. This is the case in such words as "it's" and "its", and "your" and "you're". Think of what the word means, not how it's pronounced.

A couple more words about the preface. The first page of a book, sometimes the first sentence, are supposed to be something that will hook the reader the moment s/he sets eyes on the book. Because naturally, we'll want people to read our books, not skim the first pages and then put them down. Your preface wasn't really of the hooking sort. With names, vague details and overly used adjectives you're hardly being original. When writing it's all about showing people what you really have in you. If you stick to what's easiest for you, people won't be interested for long. You need to add something else, a dash of your own self into it.

One of the most important you need to remember is proofreading your works. When you proofread before submitting, you'll save your reviewers from pointing out spelling mistakes, wrongly placed apostrophes, and sentences like this:

My breath caught in my breath in my throat


All in all, I can't say I'm much of a romance reader. I mean, I like stories with romance in them, but I usually want something else too. With that said, I personally probably wouldn't keep reading this, but I'm sure that people who like romance will also like this story. :) Keep writing!


Demeter
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Hiya Allie! Its Luxy here, as requested. My system is red for grammar/spelling, purple for word choice, and blue for my commentary.
AllieMeadows wrote:Preface

Sometimes you just know when your in love. Its hard to explain how you know. Its impossible to put into words. That's how it is for me. My name is Alison Meadows and I am in love with Jason Bentley.

We met last year, my freshman year in high school. I'm a sophmore now and he is a junior. He is the most amazing guy I've ever met. He is sweet, cute, and adorable. I've been secretly in love with him for a year.

He doesn't know how I feel about him. Barely anyone does. Hopefully that all will change soon. I'm tired of admiring from a far. Its time for something to happen and soon.


Chapter 1

It was finally January 4th. I had been waiting in agony for the past 2 weeks to pass. I was thrilled! I was finally going to get to see Jason. Mention in this first paragraph that they were on Xmas break.

Jason and I had met last year in art class. The first time he had looked at me, he had smiled The 'had' isn't wrong, but its not needed either.. During the second semester we had become friends and, I thought, on our way to something more. But something happened over the summer. For a whole semester we had barely talked or even looked at each other. This semester was going to be different.

I was armed for battle. I had on my brand new Tony Lama boots, with my gorgeous new belt. I had a very cute blouse, that I had worn to the FFA Christmas party, with a cropped blue jean jacket over it. I was going to be noticed this semester, even if it killed me.

The seconds ticked by slowly. I thought the bus ride would never end. I walked down the hall of my school, searching for Jason. I finally caught sight of him. My breath caught in my breath in my throat and my heart skipped a beat. I had not seen him in 2 weeks, but time had not made me immune to his perfect features.

His blonde hair looking slightly messy with his ice blue eyes framed in dark lashes and his smile this sentence doesn't make sense. Words cannot describe his smile. I couldn't help but think that he got sexier every dang day.

"Hey chica" I heard a high pitched voice practically scream in my ear.

I looked to see who it was and should have known it would be one of my best friends in the whole world, Cammie. "You might want to close your mouth and stop drooling." Cammie said.

I knew she was joking but she wasn't off by much. I glanced back at Jason for just a second. He was walking by me and we made eye contact for a second then he winked at me and flashed his million dollar smile. Let me repeat that. He winked at me. HE WINKED AT ME! I think if this were a diary then the all caps would be okay. Since it's not that or dialogue, you should take it out.

I almost screamed from the feeling of it. Finally he was noticing me again. Finally we were on our way to be something more, I hoped. I turned to Cammie with what I only supposed was a shocked look on my face.

"What?" Cammie asked with a curiousity rising in his voice. I couldn't answer. "What?!" Cammie nearly screamed.

"He winked at me," I barely managed to whisper.

"What?!" Cammie said in near disbelief.

"He winked at me!" I nearly screamed.

"OMG!" Cammie and I screamed in unison.

Then all of a sudden Cammie got deathly quiet. Her eyes got huge and her mouth nearly dropped open.

"What? Cammie, what is it?" I said frantically.

"Allie, he's coming this way," Cammie said, pronouncing every syllable.

I turned around so fast my long auburn hair whipped around me. When my hair layed flat again, I saw him. Sure enough, Jason was walking towards us. His eyes were locked on me and a smile was on his face. Not his normal smile, but a nervous smile. I couldn't help myself, I had to smile back.

He walked right upo to me and wrapped his arms around my waist as he gave me a hug. I know hugs are normal, but not for us, not with him. I threw my arms around him in response to him hugging me. I was in heaven. Him touching me made me remeber the last time he had touched me.

*It was the day of our ag final. Put ag in caps We had all finished our test. I was sitting on a work table in the ag shop. I was talking to some of my friends when all of a sudden it felt like electricity coarsing through my leg. I looked down and Jason was laying his phone down on my leg and told me to pick a song.*

Jason pulled out of the hug after crossing the "just friends" line. I looked up at him and realized he had grown a few inches over the past two weeks. People don't grow a few inches in a couple of weeks. It takes more like months He flashed me a smile that made me want to melt right there and he put his arm around my shoulder.

I flashed Cammie a look that told her to get lost and fast. She glanced around a second then scurried off towards Brooke, who was walking toward us. I knew that they would be watching us but I didn't care.

I slipped my arm around Jason's waist and kinda leaned into him. I don't know why I did this, it just seemed right. I looked up at Jason and saw a look on his face that I couldn't decipher.

"So how was your Christmas Break, Allie?" Jason asked as he brushed a stray piece of hair out of my eyes.

"It was okay, but it seemed very long and passed very slowly." I said. I was shocked at the words that had come out of my voice. What possessed me to say that?

A look of confusion flashed over Jason's perfect features, but he instantly recovered and smiled at me. That smile was going to be the death of me. I would do anything for that smile.

"Why do you think it was so long?" Jason asked, his voice genuily curious.

"Because I couldn't see you." I said almost choking on the words as they came out of my mouth. I wished instantly I could take them back, but then again I didn't. Why was I being so honest with him? Five seconds ago I wouldn't have dreamed I would be this honest with him. It must be that smile. Curse that smile!

"So you missed me, huh?" Jason said with a very flirty smile on his face. Jason leaned down and whispered in my ear, "I missed you too. A lot. More than you can imagine."

I shivered because Jason's breath had tickled my ear. He seemed to take pleasure in that little shiver. His grip around my shoulders tightened, pulling me closer to him. I moved in even closer savoring this moment.

All of a sudden the first bell rang. My whole self had been so focused on Jason that the bell had made me jump nearly jump out of my skin. Jason smiled at my jumpiness. He moved his arms to around my waist and gave me another hug. I felt something in my hair. Could it have been his lips? I felt weak kneed at the thought of his lips in my hair.

Jason unwound his arms from around my waist and tilted my head up so I was looking at him. He smiled then said, "See you next period."

I watched him as he walked toward his first period class. Every part of me that he had touched burned, especially my heart. I knew right then as I watched his retreating figure that this semester would be different. For the better.


Grammar:
Most of your grammar problems were when you would enter or exit dialogue. There were some missing punctuation marks depending on if it was a question or a statement. Also, be careful when you're using the '?!'. You kind of over did that because you did it 3 times in a row. Use those very sparingly. Other than that, sentence structure was pretty good and you separated your paragraphs when you needed to.

Word Choice:
Word choice was pretty good for the most part. Any words that I thought you should change are in purple up above. By the way, 'OMG' shouldn't be in there. For dialogue in stuff like this it should be used more for text messages or for making fun of other people. That's just me though.

Writing and my Thoughts:
Okay, so for the most part this was well written. However, there were quite a few parts that I thought were rather juvenile. I think having your MC be completely obsessive over Jason is a little over the top. And the fact that Cammie and her were both screaming like little girls because he winked at her is too. For the most part though, I liked this a lot! I especially liked the part where her and Jason were walking together. That was very well done. My only suggestion for that would be to add a little bit more of what's going on inside of her (i.e. sweaty palms, butterflies, racing heart, etc.) I felt like you could've delved into that a little more. Plus, I love that he didn't immediately kiss her on the lips. I thought that the kiss in the hair and the mystery of whether he did or not was very good!
Best of luck,
Luxy :D
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Hey Allie!

First off, I am a horrible person for not getting to you faster. I've been busier than a bee, but I should stop excusing myself. Sorry. Anyway, let's get onto this review! I liked this a lot. It smells strongly of a romantic paper back that would sell quite well. Still, it does require work. I'll do my best to give you a good review. I'll review all of chaps 1-3 as a whole, okay? Since actually they are all short enough and relevent enough to put in a single chapter. Perhaps you should keep that in mind, when revising this into a final draft. And I'm going to say, ahead of the nitpicks and all that, that I really liked this a lot. It was easy to follow and I enjoy the main character. On to the review.

GRAMMAR: Your grammar is pretty solid! My advice to you is that you should spell out your numbers. In writing, you should spell out numbers that are two words or less. Most of your numbers are twos and threes, so this applies to most of them. Look over your dialogue, too, since some of the quotations are off. If you have trouble with quotations, there are plenty of resources right here on YWS.

Also, when the characters are writing notes to each other, make the colors of the notes of a more contrasting color so the reader knows who is writing.

PLOT: Your plot is simple, and from the way your story is going it's going to stay simple! That's fine, that's great; not everything has to be complex if it is well written, and your plot is charming. On the other hand, it is a little cliche and sparing. I can find some parts here that really needed detail, but detail wasn't provided just so we could get to the lovey dove scenes faster. It's all about pace. I'll get to pace later, but here I'm going to point out some things.

Firstly, when you have your flashbacks, they feel like side notes! They are even put in asterisks! (***) For the sake of drawing readers into a story I don't think that it would hurt at all to flesh these flashbacks out a little more. Especially when these two characters bonded for the first time, since it seems like you aren't going to touch on it again, judging by the way you so full heartedly skipped it. I was simply dying to know what happened, but you skipped right over it. In fact, I skipped right over it because I knew that you weren't going to tell me anything of emotional importance. That's bad. I can tell you have this well thought out. Why don't you show us that you do? It's all so interesting. Please give me more! :D

Second, we have a slight believability issue going on here. When Jason walked up to Allie and just wrapped his arm around her, I went A) Wait, did I miss something? Did they get together already? and B) Jason, you're being a little touchy feeling on that here girl there. Allow me to elaborate.

A) Readers are going to have trouble believing that Jason is suddenly all attached to her. You describe in the second or third chapters that he liked her all along, but even in that case it's still hard to believe that he is suddenly willing to dump these emotions on her so quickly. :arrow: Don't be afraid to take these things slowly! It would be more believable and just as endearing if he walked up to her and initiated conversation. This would get the reader's interest up without making them go "huh?" Afterall, he hasn't talked to her in months, why start now? It's better than the sudden romance, and it saves from the possible overwhelming suspicion that...

B) He likes to kiss girls on the head, a VERY romantic gesture, even if he doesn't have a previous relationship with them. Some people do that, I guess, but I just don't think it would work to advantage his personality. Some readers would find it down right rude, or worse, creepy. I kind of found it creepy myself, but it's up to you on that one.

Lastly, I am going to say real quickly that I hope you do try to change this up a little. I hope this won't be the typical Girl meets Boy, G and B get together, G and B get in a fight, B makes up with G story line. I think this has more potential than that. I've written the above story line myself, but only with short stories, in which the reader does not have to use a lot of attention span. With novels, it's different, since there will be a lot of your story and you want it to be original. Don't be afraid of a little originality. Mix it up. On to

CHARACTERS: I don't know a lot about your characters yet, but I'll see what I can tell you about them. I like them a lot, and I am dying to see them grow, but they are lacking in some areas. Let's cover these.

Firstly, Allie and Cammie have these weird moments where they turn into hyper typical teenage girls. Typical is fine, but let's not push the envelope here. There are moments of sheer shallowness that make me cringe. When they started gushing over Jason winking at Allie, well, all I could see was this:

ALLIE: OMG OMG OMG!

CAMMIE: Like, tell me what's up!

ALLIE: OMG. JASON. SUPER HOTTIE. JUST WINKED AT ME!

It wasn't as bad as that, but try to make these little moments have more character. I couldn't tell the difference between the two when they talked, because they seem to have the same thinking pattern. When they are together, make sure to clarify the differences between the two, because no one likes a clone. Cammie should be more than just a girl to talk to, as well. Make her a character, not just a "chirpy" side kick.

As for Allie, I would love to see more of "her", not just the girl who is head over heels in love with Jason. What else does she like? What are her interests? Does she wear matching socks? What's her hair color? Seriously, I don't know. She's the main character, and if she is just a blob used to move a story forward, your readers will start closing the book. That's right, I said book.

And as for Jason, make him a little more subtle in his methods. He may be flirtatious, but don't take it too far, especially with a girl who is not his girlfriend yet, and with a girl whoms feelings he isn't sure about. Wait until their relationship is established before we get to the hugging and the kissing. Your readers, trust me, can wait. Which leads us to

FLOW: When I say flow I mean how a story is paced, how natural the dialogue and sentences are, and how steady a plot is progressing. While some parts flow spectacularly, some others fall down. For example, you sometimes go off topic or mention something that isn't relevent, like

I had a very cute blouse, that I had worn to the FFA Christmas party, with a cropped blue jean jacket over it. I was going to be noticed this semester even if it killed me.


What is the FFA Christmas Party, why is it important, and why do we need to know that she wore that blouse to it if we don't even know what the blouse or the party is like in the first place? Be sure to make sure that you aren't talking about things that you haven't gotten to yet, or check if you are saying something that is off topic. If you talk about FFA, without giving details, you come of as a writer who simple expects the readers to know what is going on. It doesn't work like that. You

Next, be sure to give detail where detail is needed. Like with your flashbacks, you seem to skip whole descriptions just to get to the juicy bits. Your story world is blank; unpainted. Elaborating would give this story a more steady pace, and make this world juicier a bit. And you don't have to go in extreme detail. Just enough so we have more context; more stuff to go off of And I'm not talking what your character is wearing. Good gosh, I don't need a paragraph description of what your character is wearing. What I am talking about are things that make your story deeper and more emotional. Does that make sense?

OVERALL:

Okay, I guess should bring this to a close. I really liked this a lot. It's a very nice idea. What you need are more details, essentially, that deepen your plot and characters. Rather than just moving from next romantic scene to the next, provide interludes which add to the plot and character. Don't be afraid to give other characters personalities, just because they aren't main characters. They are worth your time, trust me. Give a little more detail on your flashbacks, too. But overall, this was great. You have a good story on your hands, it just needs fleshing out. Good job, and don't stop writing.

Best of wishes,

Esther
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
http://veryrandompickle.blogspot.com/



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