Elena (1)

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No friends. No family. And no true love. Just me, myself, and I. All alone, in a world of solemn silence. Well, it's just me and the flowers. I sit and gaze at them, wondering how a lost princess could not have any friends in a wide forest. I am the lost princess, all alone, having to raise myself. I am trapped in an invisible cage, the cage surrounds a field. I am in the field, with the flowers. There is a man who sometimes visits me, he beats me with his whip. And then he pulls off my clothes and rapes me. I scream but no one can hear me, the cage blocks all sounds from the outside world. I need to escape. But there is no exit. Everyday I ask the flowers when I will escape. They are magical and they speak to me. They say it may be years and that I will escape one day. They say the key is just beyond the doorway. I am scared. I stood up and looked around the field of flowers. "Hello?" I called out. I saw a shadow and immediatly sat down. "Please go away." I whimpered.
"So that's what your voice sounds like, I have only heard your screams. You never talk to me." He snickered. He walked into the field and I looked down.
"Can you at least tell me your name and why you have me here? I have been here my whole life, I deserve to know." I whispered looking at his face. He was getting closer.
"No I can't, because if I do, when and if I ever let you go you will have me arrested and hung." He said smiling.
"Then what shall I call you?" I said, probing.
"How about Steven, that is my name, I am just not telling you my last name." He cackled. He sat beside me and began to pluck the flowers, I heard there screams. To him there was silence for only I could hear the flowers speak.
"No don't!" I screamed pulling his hand away. Grabbing the flower from his hand I gently created a small hole in the ground and I placed it in there, patting it down.
"That was odd. I was picking it to hang in the doorway, it was a red rose. And it reminded me of you, Rose." He mumbled. Rose, that was not my real name he had renamed me. I do not remember my old name.
"What was my old name?" I pondered, I pushed my hair behind my ear and looked into his dark brown eyes.
"Elena." He mumbled. "E for extraordinary, L for lovely, E for enchanting, N for nice eyes, mouth, and nose, A for amazing. At least thats how the king and queen described you. I brought you the mirror you asked for." He handed me a small hand held device with a shiny smooth surface. I had never seen myself before, I had only imagined what I looked like. I looked deep into it and gasped. Inside the mirror, looking at me was a pale beauty with freckles dotting her face, thousands of them. Red hair that was down to her breast, and sparkling blue eyes. I was like a flower, exotic and beautiful.
"Rose, I also brought you dinner." He said pulling out a loaf of bread from his satchel.
"Elena." I whispered. "My parents named me Elena and that what I demand to be called." He grabbed my wrist and twisted it downward, baring his teeth.
"I will choose what to call you, understood?" He snapped. My eyes began to water, and I looked away.
"I am no child." I whispered. "I am a lady, and I deserve to be treated like one."
"You are only eighteen years of age, you are still a child, and I will never treat you with respect." He threw my wrist down and trudged out of the clearing. A small teardrop slid down my face as I heard the door slam.
"Oh flowers, I hope I get out soon." I said stroking the rose's petals.
"You will." It whispered soothingly. "You must, when the beast known as Steven has died, you will be free. The cage will dissolve into nothing and you will be able to go home."
"Don't listen to her." A tulip said. "Elena, the rose is just sucking up to you because you saved her life."
"No I am not. Elena, you will be free." The rose said once again.
"Hmmm." I said thoughtfully, rubbing my chin. "I don't know whom I shall believe. I guess my only choice is to wait." I jumped, there was a loud bang against the cage door and it burst open. A man about my age flew inside, the grass around him was growing red. "Oh my!" I rushed over to him.
"Please don't hurt me!" He screamed. I stepped around him and ran out the door, grabbing the key, taking it inside and locking it. There were three deep gashes in his chest gushing blood.
"What happened?" I asked pulling up herbs from the ground around us and placing them on his wounds.
"I stole," He gasped for air. "I stole the king's crown." He pulled a large golden crown from his satchel.
"Oh my!" I pried it from his fingers and placed it upon my head. "And what is your name?"
"Andrew." He said relaxing as the herbs helped his wound heal. "And your's?"
"Ro-" I said, pausing. "My name is Elena. I am the lost princess, kidnapped by Steven, used for his toy, used for his pleasure. I am trapped in an invisible cage that blocks all sounds from the outside world. And I need your help to escape."
"Sure, but I'm going to need that crown back. And you don't even have a key." He laughed.
"No, you don't get this crown back until I'm free, and yes the key is right here." I pulled the key from my pocket. I ran to the door, placing the key in the lock. This Andrew boy might actually become my key to a new life. I smiled I was free, almost.
*******
It had been a week, and now Steven was visiting, and there was no place for Andrew to hide. I was extra rude today, the ruder the faster Steven left.
"Hello, Rose." He said smugly walking into the cage. "I made a new key, thank you for informing me that the old one was stolen." He placed his hand on my face.
"Don't touch me!" I snapped standing up abrutly. "You must leave me alone."
"Haha." He laughed sarcastically. "I will leave you alone once you are older than I am. And wait, that will never happen, I am thirty and you are only eightteen."
"I know." I said looking down as a tear slid down my face.
"But I brought you a lot of food and water. Anyways, I have to go." He stepped away from me and left the cage, slamming the door hard.
"Andrew?" I called out. "He left, you can come back in now." i heard the cage door open and Andrew gave me the key, his wounds were healed by now. "Here is dinner." I gave him half of what Steven had given me. "After we eat we can leave."
"Alright." Andrew said with a mouthful of food. He stuffed some of the food we didn't eat into his satchel while I stuffed the crown in mine. Pulling out the key, I stood up, walking slowly towards the door. My hand was shaking and my palms were sweating. Placing the key into the lock I turned it, the door slid open smoothly.
"Goodbye." I whispered to the flowers under my breath. This is what I have been waiting for, and I am afraid. I thought to my self. i stepped from the doorway and breathed in the fresh new air.
I was out




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Hey, so my name is Dreaming and I will try to review your story.

First of all, always try to space things out before posting them here. It helps the reader when they are reviewing your piece. It helps them to see it better because having a story in this type of format is a bit overwhelming.
No friends. No family. And no true love. Just me, myself, and I. All alone, in a world of solemn silence. Well, it's just me and the flowers. I sit and gaze at them, wondering how a lost princess could not have any friends in a wide forest. I am the lost princess, all alone, having to raise myself.(You may want to give a little back story here. How did you get here? What happened? Were you separated from your family? Kidnapped?) I am trapped in an invisible cage, the cage surrounds a field (This could be worded a bit better). I am in the field, with the flowers. There is a man who sometimes visits me, he beats me with his whip. And then he pulls off my clothes and rapes me. I scream but no one can hear me because the cage blocks all sounds from the outside world. I need to escape no period necessary But there is no exit. Everyday I ask the flowers when I will escape. They are magical and they speak to me. They say it may be years and that I will escape one day. They say the key is just beyond the doorway. I am scared. I stood up and looked around the field of flowers. "Hello?" I called out. I saw a shadow and immediatly (immediately) sat down. "Please go away." I whimpered.
"So that's what your voice sounds like, I have only heard your screams. You never talk to me." He snickered. He walked into the field and I looked down.
"Can you at least tell me your name and why you have me here? I have been here my whole life, I deserve to know." I whispered looking at his face. He was getting closer.
"No I can't, because if I do, when and if I ever let you go (comma) you will have me arrested and hung." He said smiling.
"Then what shall I call you?" I said, probing.
"How about Steven question mark that is my name period I am just not telling you my last name." He cackled. He sat beside me and began to pluck the flowers, I heard their screams. To him there was silence comma for only I could hear the flowers speak.
"No don't!" I screamed pulling his hand away. Grabbing the flower from his hand I gently created a small hole in the ground and I placed it in there, patting it down.
"That was odd. I was picking it to hang in the doorway, it was a red rose. And it reminded me of you, Rose." He mumbled. Rose question mark That was not my real name period He had renamed me. I do not remember my old name.
"What was my old name?" I pondered, I pushed my hair behind my ear and looked into his dark brown eyes.
"Elena." He mumbled. "E for extraordinary, L for lovely, E for enchanting, N for nice eyes, mouth, and nose, A for amazing. At least thats that's how the king and queen described you. I brought you the mirror you asked for." He handed me a small hand held device with a shiny smooth surface. I had never seen myself before, I had only imagined what I looked like. I looked deep into it and gasped. Inside the mirror, looking at me comma was a pale beauty with freckles dotting her face, thousands of them. Red hair that was down to her breast, and sparkling blue eyes. I was like a flower, exotic and beautiful.
"Rose, I also brought you dinner." He said pulling out a loaf of bread from his satchel.
"Elena." I whispered. "My parents named me Elena and that is what I demand to be called." He grabbed my wrist and twisted it downward, baring his teeth.
"I will choose what to call you, understood?" He snapped. My eyes began to water, and I looked away.
"I am no child." I whispered. "I am a lady, and I deserve to be treated like one."
"You are only eighteen years of age, you are still a child, and I will never treat you with respect." Technically 18 is the age of adulthood. He threw my wrist down and trudged out of the clearing. A small teardrop slid down my face as I heard the door slam.
"Oh flowers, I hope I get out soon." I said stroking the rose's petals.
"You will." It whispered soothingly. "You must, when the beast known as Steven has died, you will be free. (This could use some rewording.) The cage will dissolve into nothing and you will be able to go home."
"Don't listen to her." A tulip said. "Elena, the rose is just sucking up to you because you saved her life."
"No I am not. Elena, you will be free." The rose said once again.
"Hmmm." I said thoughtfully, rubbing my chin. "I don't know whom I shall believe. I guess my only choice is to wait." I jumped, there was a loud bang against the cage door and it burst open. A man about my age flew inside, the grass around him was growing red. "Oh my!" I rushed over to him.
"Please don't hurt me!" He screamed. I stepped around him and ran out the door, grabbing the key, taking it inside and locking it. There were three deep gashes in his chest gushing blood.
"What happened?" I asked pulling up herbs from the ground around us and placing them on his wounds.
"I stole," He gasped for air. "I stole the king's crown." He pulled a large golden crown from his satchel.
"Oh my!" I pried it from his fingers and placed it upon my head. "And what is your name?"
"Andrew." He said relaxing as the herbs helped his wound heal. "And yours?"
"Ro-" I said, pausing. "My name is Elena. I am the lost princess, kidnapped by Steven, used for his toy, used for his pleasure. I am trapped in an invisible cage that blocks all sounds from the outside world. And I need your help to escape."
"Sure, but I'm going to need that crown back. And you don't even have a key." He laughed.
"No, you don't get this crown back until I'm free, and yes the key is right here." I pulled the key from my pocket. I ran to the door, placing the key in the lock. This Andrew boy might actually become my key to a new life. I smiled period I was free, almost.
*******
It had been a week, and now Steven was visiting, and there was no place for Andrew to hide. I was extra rude today period the ruder I was the faster Steven left.
"Hello, Rose." He said smugly walking into the cage. "I made a new key, thank you for informing me that the old one was stolen." He placed his hand on my face.
"Don't touch me!" I snapped standing up abruptly. "You must leave me alone."
"Haha." He laughed sarcastically. "I will leave you alone once you are older than I am. And wait, that will never happen, I am thirty and you are only eighteen."
"I know." I said looking down as a tear slid down my face.
"But I brought you a lot of food and water. Anyways, I have to go." He stepped away from me and left the cage, slamming the door hard.
"Andrew?" I called out. "He left, you can come back in now." i heard the cage door open and Andrew gave me the key, his wounds were healed by now. "Here is dinner." I gave him half of what Steven had given me. "After we eat we can leave."
"Alright." Andrew said with a mouthful of food. He stuffed some of the food we didn't eat into his satchel while I stuffed the crown in mine. Pulling out the key, I stood up, walking slowly towards the door. My hand was shaking and my palms were sweating. Placing the key into the lock I turned it, the door slid open smoothly.
"Goodbye." I whispered to the flowers under my breath. This is what I have been waiting for, and I am afraid. I thought to my self. i stepped from the doorway and breathed in the fresh new air.
I was out period

Overall: I was actually very confused by this story. I don't mean any disrespect at all, but it was hard for me to keep up with what was happening. There needs to be more background on the characters and how they all ended up in the cage together. And more importantly, the reader needs to know who Steven is because he seems to tie this entire story together. All of my grammar and spelling corrections are in red. I just think that you should probably go over this chapter again and add a lot more detail. Don't be afraid to really get into it because I think that this could end up being an interesting/ cute concept for a story. Good luck and keep writing!
"The thing to remember is, if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too." - P.S. I Love You




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Hello there. :)

I took Dreaming's review, so I know what has been done and what hasn't. My corrections will be in blue, okay?
DreamingOutloud wrote:No friends. No family. And no true love. Just me, myself, and I. All alone, in a world of solemn silence. Well, it's just me and the flowers. I sit and gaze at them, wondering how a lost princess could not have any friends in a wide forest. I am the lost princess, all alone, having to raise myself.(You may want to give a little back story here. How did you get here? What happened? Were you separated from your family? Kidnapped?) I am trapped in an invisible cage, the cage surrounds a field (This could be worded a bit better). I am in the field, with the flowers. There is a man who sometimes visits me, he beats me with his whip. And then he pulls off my clothes and rapes me. I scream but no one can hear me because the cage blocks all sounds from the outside world. I need to escape no period necessary But there is no exit. Everyday I ask the flowers when I will escape. They are magical and they speak to me. They say it may be years and that I will escape one day. They say the key is just beyond the doorway. I am scared. I stood up and looked around the field of flowers. "Hello?" I called out. I saw a shadow and immediatly (immediately) sat down. "Please go awaycomma" I whimpered.
"So that's what your voice sounds like, I have only heard your screams. You never talk to mecomma" He snickered. He walked into the field and I looked down.
"Can you at least tell me your name and why you have me here? I have been here my whole life, I deserve to knowcomma" I whispered comma looking at his face. He was getting closer.
"No I can't, because if I do, when and if I ever let you go (comma) you will have me arrested and hung comma" He said smiling.
"Then what shall I call you?" I said, probing.
"How about Steven question mark that is my name period I am just not telling you my last name." He cackled. He sat beside me and began to pluck the flowers, I heard their screams. To him there was silence comma for only I could hear the flowers speak.
"No don't!" I screamed pulling his hand away. Grabbing the flower from his hand comma I gently created a small hole in the ground and I placed them (?) in there, patting it down.
"That was odd. I was picking it to hang in the doorway, it was a red rose. And it reminded me of you, Rose comma" He mumbled. Rose question mark That was not my real name period He had renamed me. I do not remember my old name.
"What was my old name?" I pondered, as I pushed my hair behind my ear and looked into his dark brown eyes.
"Elenacomma" He mumbled. "E for extraordinary, L for lovely, E for enchanting, N for nice eyes, mouth, and nose, A for amazing. At least thats that's how the king and queen described you. I brought you the mirror you asked for comma" He handed me a small hand held device with a shiny smooth surface. I had never seen myself before, I had only imagined what I looked like. I looked deep into it and gasped. Inside the mirror, looking at me comma was a pale beauty with freckles dotting her face, thousands of them. Red hair that was down to her breast, and sparkling blue eyes. I was like a flower, exotic and beautiful.
"Rose, I also brought you dinner comma" He said comma pulling out a loaf of bread from his satchel.
"Elena comma" I whispered. "My parents named me Elena and that is what I demand to be called." He grabbed my wrist and twisted it downward, baring his teeth.
"I will choose what to call you, understood?" He snapped. My eyes began to fill with water, and I looked away.
"I am no child comma" I whispered. "I am a lady, and I deserve to be treated like one."
"You are only eighteen years of age, you are still a child, and I will never treat you with respect." Technically 18 is the age of adulthood. He threw my wrist down and trudged out of the clearing. A small teardrop slid down my face as I heard the door slam.
"Oh flowers, I hope I get out soon comma" I said comma stroking the rose's petals.
"You will comma" It whispered soothingly. "You must, when the beast known as Steven has died, you will be free. (This could use some rewording.) The cage will dissolve into nothing and you will be able to go home."
"Don't listen to her comma" A tulip said. "Elena, the rose is just sucking up to you because you saved her life."
"No I am not. Elena, you will be free comma" The rose said once again.
"Hmmm comma" I said comma thoughtfully, erase that comma. rubbing my chin. "I don't know whom I shall believe. I guess my only choice is to wait." I jumped, there was a loud bang against the cage door and it burst open. A man about my age flew inside, the grass around him was growing red. "Oh my!" I rushed over to him.
"Please don't hurt me!" He screamed. I stepped around him and ran out the door, grabbing the key, taking it inside and locking it. There were three deep gashes in his chest comma, all of them were gushing blood.
"What happened?" I asked comma pulling up herbs from the ground around us and placing them on his wounds.
"I stole," He gasped for air. "I stole the king's crown comma" He pulled a large golden crown from his satchel.
"Oh my!" I pried it from his fingers and placed it upon my head. "And what is your name?"
"Andrew comma" He said relaxing as the herbs helped his wound heal. "And yours?"
"Ro-" I said, pausing. "My name is Elena. I am the lost princess, kidnapped by Steven, used for his toy, used for his pleasure. I am trapped in an invisible cage that blocks all sounds from the outside world. And I need your help to escape."
"Sure, but I'm going to need that crown back. And you don't even have a key comma" He laughed.
"No, you don't get this crown back until I'm free, and yes the key is right here comma" I pulled the key from my pocket. I ran to the door, placing the key in the lock. This Andrew boy might actually become my key to a new life. I smiled period I was free, almost.
*******
It had been a week, and now Steven was visiting, and there was no place for Andrew to hide. I was extra rude today period the ruder I was the faster Steven left.
"Hello, Rose comma" He said smugly walking into the cage. "I made a new key, thank you for informing me that the old one was stolen comma" He placed his hand on my face.
"Don't touch me!" I snapped comma standing up abruptly. "You must leave me alone."
"Haha comma" He laughed sarcastically. "I will leave you alone once you are older than I am. And wait, that will never happen, I am thirty and you are only eighteen."
"I know comma" I said looking down as a tear slid down my face.
"But I brought you a lot of food and water. Anyways, I have to go comma" He stepped away from me and left the cage, slamming the door hard.
"Andrew?" I called out. "He left, you can come back in now comma" I heard the cage door open and Andrew gave me the key, his wounds were healed by now. "Here is dinner comma" I gave him half of what Steven had given me. "After we eat we can leave."
"Alright comma" Andrew said with a mouthful of food. He stuffed some of the food we didn't eat into his satchel while I stuffed the crown in mine. Pulling out the key, I stood up, walking slowly towards the door. My hand was shaking and my palms were sweating. Placing the key into the lock I turned it, the door slid open smoothly.
"Goodbye comma" I whispered to the flowers under my breath. This is what I have been waiting for, and I am afraid. I thought to myself. I stepped from the doorway and breathed in the fresh new air.
I was out period

You seem to go awfully fast. Take your time. Show and not tell. Why was she taken? Does she know? For how long? I feel like I don't even know her. She out of there, and it's the first chapter... I think she should be out in the second or third. The first chapter should be there to introduce the conflict, which, in this case, is her being confined to her cage. And probably some more characterization would be good as well. What kind of guy is Steven? He must be really bad, but I don't see that very well when he talks and what he does. Elena, what is she like? Andrew?

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




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Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself.
— Viktor E. Frankl