Chapter One Revised

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6431
Reviews 155
Authors Note: I know the formating is weird. Its the website not me sorry. Also, I have edited this story so many time I can't count. When you edit please quote the WHOLE story and give me specific examples that helps me a lot. Thanks. Jenn

Mandi Smith

“Mandi, do you want bacon?” Mom asked, pushing her brownish-blond hair over her shoulder.

“Yes, please,” I replied from my seat at the kitchen table. My eyes moved over her what used to be slender frame before she got pregnant, eight months ago. She is in excellent shape, and I can only hope to have a figure like that when I reach her age and have had three kids and expecting one.

Her brown eyes met mine, “You better hurry up if we’re going to head out to go shopping.”

“Mom, I have plans with Sam and Rachel. And later tonight I'm going out with Nick.”

“Ok! Tell me what you want and I’ll get it for you. Oh and Mandi remember you have to do the dishes tonight and vacuum the house.” She said reminding me of my usual chores.

“I won’t forget about my chores and I’m going to the mall with everyone no need for you to go,” Then, seeing the sad, upset look on her face, I quickly added, “but we could have a girls night out one night, just the two of us.”
Then her face got all happy. I was happy to see that look on her face. Since my dad left I hadn’t seen it very often.

“Mom! I need money!” Briana said in her normal, rudely manner.

“Ok sweetie.”

“Don’t call me sweetie!” she said as she looked up just to get the money then quickly averted her blue eyes away from my mom.

I watched my older sister storm out from the room and rolled my eyes. I don't know how my mother ever puts up with her. Bri and I aren't the best of friends. I love her and all, but there are days I can't put up with her rudeness and impatience. She's got sandy, blond hair just like me, but that's where the resemblance ends.

I could hear Bri’s voice coming from the living room and I instantly thought of my dad. Not that they sound alike at all, in fact they're complete opposites, but that she was the one that would help my parents patch up their relationship when my parents were fighting, which was about half of their marriage.

“Mom? I'm going out with Jake tonight.” Heather said as she appeared from the basement, where she had been working out. She is always complaining that she needed more time to work out. Even though she works out for like two hours every day, which is why she’s really thin.

It wasn’t unusual for Heather to go out with Jake, her boyfriend. She was twenty-two now and has given me advice about boys, since we are really close. She is hoping he proposes one of these days. Not that she tells me, I just know it.

“Ok. Have fun!” mom said pushed the plate of bacon towards me. I took three pieces.

“Oh, guys I'm gonna have to work tonight. I might not be home until later.”

I nodded as I grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter.

My mom, Sherri, is the owner of Laugh’s, a big indoor facility just for kids to be kids. It does very well. This is the job
she uses to provide for the family with ever since my dad left. She misses my dad a ton even though she tries to hide it. I am not easily fooled. She is the one who I would talk to about my dad after he left, when I was in denial. She is mad at my dad for leaving us, although she is mad mostly just to try and hide the sadness.

Suddenly my phone buzzed. I looked down and saw a text from Nick.

‘We still on 4 2nite rite?’

Nick is my boyfriend. He is like a best friend to me he helps me through the good and bad times. We first met at a party. We were all playing spin the bottle and it landed on both of us. At that time we were mortal enemies and hated each other. When we kissed, it was love at first kiss. Then he asked me out and I said yes. When we came out of the room we decided not to tell anyone except our best friends. Now everyone knows since our friends can't keep secrets. He has brown hair and has blue eyes. He is very sweet and I could never let him go. I like him very much. If we broke up I would probably miss his laugh the most. It is the one thing I haven’t heard in a while since we went into eleventh grade. It’s all ‘our team is going to lose, our defense sucks,’ blah, blah, blah.

‘Yes.’ I texted him as I walked up to my room and heard the TV blaring from the walls its hung on beside all my posters and pictures of my friends. I sat down on my fuzzy blue comforter and turned on my computer.

Our house is awesome! It is a huge, old, stone house and has lots of land in the back and front. There’s one passage from my room into another, secret room, when I found out about it, it smelled like dead animals, and now after I redecorated it and sprayed it with ten bottles of vanilla spray, the air smells nice and it looks great. I use it as my lounge.

As I logged onto Facebook, Selena and Amber, my two dogs, came into my room and jumped onto my bed. We also have Nemo, a rabbit and Taylor my orange tabby cat, who acted more as a dog than a cat. We also have two Yorkshire terriers, Milo and Sandy, two Maltese, Vanessa and Abby, a brown tabby, Eliza, and another orange tabby, Carra.

“Mandi, dear. You father sent you a check do you want me to cash it?” my mom said as she walked by my room carrying the laundry basket, doing Bri’s chore for her. Ever since the divorce she has been afraid to yell at us, in fear of losing us so she does our chores if we forget to do them

“Yes, please, and mom? You should really contact dad before the baby’s born,” I said as I pet Amber’s golden fur.

“Amanda, we will not have this conversation again,” she said as she walked away.

My dad is in Brazil studying a new plant that may be able to cure cancer. About seven or eight months ago he just packed up and left. I missed him for the first month or two, and then I realized that it was his decision to leave, I had nothing to do with it; no one did. Sometimes when I'm home alone I watch his TV show reruns and talk to him like he is actually there and listening to me. I know it sounds stupid but it helps me. He didn’t know that my mom was pregnant when he left because and she hasn’t told him because, as my mom thinks, it would make her seem like she was begging him to come back. I personally think it’s stupid not to tell him, especially since it’s not fair for my unborn sibling not to have a father figure. Whether or not he comes back to my mom I just want my sibling to have a father.

************************************************************************

When I got to the mall Rach, Sam and I went to the shoe store to pick out our graduation day shoes, since we already had
had our outfits picked out.

“We’re gonna be like twenty minutes,” I told the guys. We left them at the food court, which was right beside the shoe
store, figuring they would eat while we shopped. Everyone would be happy.

“I love these. They would look super good on you,” I said to Rach, as I held up a pair of clear-ish white high heels.

“How much longer?” Luke asked as he walked in to the store with a small soda and pretzel. He never stopped eating, but
remains thin. I joke around with him that the more he eats he just gets taller since he’s like six one six two. He can be
obnoxious or the sweetest person, it depends on the day.

“Give us ten minutes,” I told him.

“Ten?” He replied shocked.

“Just go eat!” I teased him.

“Fine! I am dying to try the Chinese places new chicken.” He said as he left the store and headed to Panda Express. At
this Rach rolled her eyes. Luke and her have been going out for two years now and they are past that awkward stage
where you pretend to be perfect in the relationship.

As I turned back to Rach I saw her trying on the shoes I had showed her. Every time I look at her it makes me want to look like her. She’s the average American blond hair and blue eyes. I have known her for seventeen years-my entire life- since, well, we are neighbors.

“Are you sure?” Rach asked me with a questioning look on her face.

“Yeah! Since your outfit and these blend but not exactly.” I said. Considering her dress was red these would look real nice with the dress.

“If you say so,” She said as she picked them up and walked toward the register and pulled out her Visa card.

“And Sam?” I called to her.

“Yeah?” Sam replied as her green eyes met mine I saw she was over at the sneaker section. She was more a tomboy, although I had convinced her to wear a dress to graduation, I did have to pay her and promise to buy her a new
skateboard but it was worth it. She wasn’t always this way though. I have known her since I was seven, when she moved here, and when she was little she loved dressing up. Now, not so much. Although on her and Ross’ first date she did wear a skirt, after arguing with me about it.

“These would look great on you.” I said as I pointed to a pair of white heels that laced up like sneakers.

“Okay! I’ll buy them.” She said happy that I picked a pair without a big heal and that had laces.

“Now let’s check-out and leave before the guys freak.” Rach suggested as she headed back from the register..

“Just let me buy these,” Sam said as she headed over to the register and swiped her card and showed I.D.

After we checked-out, we went out and met the guys.

“Hey,” we all greeted them. Luke and Ross took the bags from Rach and Sam, since they had their bags from the shoe
store. I had found a pair but I needed money and I had left a coupon I had at home. Although my mom does have money, I
don’t like people thinking I get by just by using my mom’s money so I clip coupons-to which my mom is very grateful.

“Hey.” Nick greeted me, and then kissed me on the cheek.

“What took so long?” Ross teased as he pushed his brown hair out of his blue eyes.

Since we all dated each other at one point in time we are all like best friends. We don’t judge each other and it's cool, we
can be ourselves around each other and not feel self-conscious or nervous. And it is nice to be friends with a guy and get
their point of view on things sometimes. Although when I ask them about a shirt or something they just tell me to ask
Nick so it’s kind of pointless, but they did help when I couldn’t decide between two things to get Nick for our anniversary.

“We’re girls in a store with credit cards! What do you expect?” I said.

“Good point.”

“I'm so glad it is almost summer. I couldn’t take being in school anymore,” Luke said as his brown eyes met mine as he shook his brown hair out of his eyes.

“Me too.” I said as Nick put his arm on my shoulders.

We all went to San Diego Prep. A private school near San Diego Zoo. All of our families except Nicks were wealthier, even his isn’t that poor they just aren’t as wealthy. Nick got into this school by scholarship, which I think is cool that he didn’t just get in by paying. Ever since his dad died when he was ten and his mom remarried to a guy named John, before we started dating, his family lost a lot of money. Since his dad was the big money maker. He doesn’t talk about his dad a lot but I know he missed him terribly.

“Now who wants to go get a pretzel and then go see a movie?” Ross asked as we walked toward the movie theater. Ross is a very soft-spoken guy at some times, but not at others. At five nine he can be the most annoying person or the quietest guy-which is why I broke up with him when we dated in seventh grade.

“Me,” I said.

“Me too,” Ross agreed.

“Majority wins then.” Rach said.

Then we started walking to the pretzel stand with Nick’s arm still around my neck.

After we went to see Friday the 13th for the third time since it's been released into movie theaters, my phone vibrated.

‘Mandi you need to come home immediately. I will explain later.
-Heather’

“Nick?” I asked jerking my neck so fast his arm flew off my shoulders.

“Yeah,” He replied moving his arm so it didn’t fling and hit Rach.

“I have to go home, Heather’s orders.”

“Oh, ok do you need a ride?” He said as he gave me a quick kiss on the lips.

“No, I have my car. Thanks though, see you later.”

“Okay I look forward to it.”

“I’ll text you if plans change.” I told him, “Bye everybody!”

“Bye Mandi,” They all called.

Then I left the mall and got in my Mercedes and headed home.
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 22451
Reviews 498
Hello there. :)

You want me to quote the whole thing? :O I don't think there's that much mistakes, but I'll still do it and add some notes for you. Red is for the mistakes, and bold is my comments.

“Mandi, do you want bacon?” Mom asked, pushing her brownish-blond hair over her shoulder.

“Yes, please,” I replied from my seat at the kitchen table. My eyes moved over her what used to be slender frame before she got pregnant, eight months ago. She is in excellent shape, and I can only hope to have a figure like that when I reach her age and have had three kids and expecting one.

Her brown eyes met mine, “You better hurry up if we’re going to head out to go shopping.”

“Mom, I have plans with Sam and Rachel. And later tonight I'm going out with Nick.”

“Ok! Tell me what you want and I’ll get it for you. Oh, and Mandi, remember that you have to do the dishes tonight and vacuum the house.” She said, reminding me of my usual chores.

“I won’t forget about my chores and I’m going to the mall with everyone no need for you to go.” I said, then, seeing the sad, upset look on her face, I quickly added, “but we could have a girls night out one night, just the two of us.”
Then her face got all happy. I was happy to see that look on her face. Since my dad left I hadn’t seen it very often.

“Mom! I need money!” Briana said in her normal, rudely manner.

“Ok sweetie.”

“Don’t call me sweetie!” she said as she looked up just to get the money then quickly averted her blue eyes away from my mom.

I watched my older sister storm out from the room and rolled my eyes. I don't know how my mother ever puts up with her. Bri and I aren't the best of friends. I love her and all, but there are days I can't put up with her rudeness and impatience. She's got sandy, blond hair just like me, but that's where the resemblance ends. I would recommend you repharse this last sentence, because it doesn't blend well with the rest of the paragraph. Maybe try: We were complete opposites, our only resemblance being the sandy color of our hair.

I could hear Bri’s voice coming from the living room and I instantly thought of my dad. Not that they sound alike at all, in fact they're complete opposites, but that she was the one that would help my parents patch up their relationship when my parents were fighting, which was about half of their marriage.

“Mom? I'm going out with Jake tonight.” Heather said as she appeared from the basement, where she had been working out. She is always complaining that she needed more time to work out. Even though she works out for like two hours every day, which is why she’s really thin.

It wasn’t unusual for Heather to go out with Jake, her boyfriend. She was twenty-two now and has given me advice about boys, since we are really close. She is hoping he proposes one of these days. Not that she tells me, I just know it.

“Ok. Have fun!” mom said pushed the plate of bacon towards me. I took three pieces.

“Oh, guys I'm gonna have to work tonight. I might not be home until later.”

I nodded as I grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter.

My mom, Sherri, is the owner of Laugh’s, a big indoor facility just for kids to be kids. It does very well. This is the job she uses to provide for the family with ever since my dad left. She misses my dad a ton even though she tries to hide it. I am not easily fooled. She is the one who I would talk to about my dad after he left, when I was in denial. She is mad at my dad for leaving us, although she is mad mostly just to try and hide the sadness.

Suddenly my phone buzzed. I looked down and saw a text from Nick.

‘We still on 4 2nite rite?’
Nick is my boyfriend. He is like a best friend to me and he helps me through the good and bad times. We first met at a party. We were all playing spin the bottle and it landed on both of us. At that time we were mortal enemies and hated each other. When we kissed, it was love at first kiss. Then he asked me out and I said yes. When we came out of the room we decided not to tell anyone except our best friends. Now everyone knows since our friends can't keep secrets. He has brown hair and has blue eyes. He is very sweet and I could never let him go. I like him very much. If we broke up I would probably miss his laugh the most. It is the one thing I haven’t heard in a while since we went into eleventh grade. It’s all ‘our team is going to lose, our defense sucks,’ blah, blah, blah. This part here doesn't do anything for the story for the moment. You might want to rephrase it so it does, or just erase it.

‘Yes.’ I texted back as I walked up to my room and heard the TV blaring from the walls its hung on beside all my posters and pictures of my friends. I sat down on my fuzzy blue comforter and turned on my computer. Again, I didn't quiet understand this... ...As I walked up to my room, I heard the television blaring from the wall where it hung. Beside it sat all my posters and pictures of my friends.

Our house is awesome! It is a huge, old, stone house and has lots of land in the back and front. There’s one passage from my room into another no comma here secret room. When I found out about it, it smelled like dead animals, and now after I redecorated it and sprayed it with ten bottles of vanilla spray, the air smells nice and it looks great. I use it as my lounge.

As I logged onto Facebook, Selena and Amber, my two dogs, came into my room and jumped onto my bed. We also have Nemo, a rabbit and Taylor my orange tabby cat, who acted more as a dog than a cat. We also have two Yorkshire terriers, Milo and Sandy, two Maltese, Vanessa and Abby, a brown tabby, Eliza, and another orange tabby, Carra.

“Mandi, dear. You father sent you a check, do you want me to cash it?” My mom said as she walked by my room carrying a laundry basket, doing Bri’s chore for her. Ever since the divorce, she has been afraid to yell at us, in fear of losing us, so she does our chores if we forget to do them

“Yes, please, and mom? You should really contact dad before the baby’s born,” I said as I pet Amber’s golden fur.

Amanda, we will not have this conversation again,” she said as she walked away. I thought her name was Mandi?

My dad is in Brazil studying a new plant that may be able to cure cancer. About seven or eight months ago he just packed up and left. I missed him for the first month or two, and then I realized that it was his decision to leave, I had nothing to do with it; no one did. Sometimes when I'm home alone, I watch his TV show reruns and talk to him like he is actually there and listening to me. I know it sounds stupid, but it helps me. He didn’t know that my mom was pregnant when he left because and she hasn’t told him yet because, as my mom thinks, it would make her seem like she was begging for him to come back. I personally think it’s stupid not to tell him, especially since it’s not fair for my unborn sibling not to have a father figure. Whether or not he comes back to my mom I just want my sibling to have a father.

************************************************************************

When I got to the mall, Rach, Sam and I went to the shoe store to pick out our graduation day shoes, since we already had had our outfits picked out.

“We’re gonna be like twenty minutes,” I told the guys. We left them at the food court, which was right beside the shoe
store, figuring they would eat while we shopped. Everyone would be happy.

“I love these. They would look super good on you,” I said to Rach, as I held up a pair of clear-ish white high heels.

“How much longer?” Luke asked as he walked in to the store with a small soda and pretzel. He never stopped eating, but always remains thin. I joke around with him that the more he eats, he just gets taller since he’s like six one six two. Is it six one, or six two? if the character is not sure herself, then you might want to say: ...He just gets taller, since he's about six foot and one inch. He can be obnoxious or the sweetest person, it depends on the day. This sentence is pretty random... remove it.

“Give us ten minutes,” I told him.

“Ten?” He replied shocked.

“Just go eat!” I teased him.

“Fine! I am dying to try the Chinese place's new chicken.” He said as he left the store and headed to Panda Express. At this, Rach rolled her eyes. Luke and her have been going out for two years now and they are past that awkward stage where you pretend to be perfect in the relationship.

As I turned back to Rach, I saw her trying on the shoes I had showed her. Every time I look at her, it makes me want to look like her. She’s the average American blond hair and blue eyes. I have known her for seventeen years -my entire life- since, well, we are neighbors.

“Are you sure?” Rach asked me with a questioning look on her face.

“Yeah! Since your outfit and these blend but not exactly.” I said. Considering her dress was red these would look real nice with the dress.

“If you say so,” She said as she picked them up and walked toward the register and pulled out her Visa card.

“And Sam?” I called to her.

“Yeah?” Sam replied as her green eyes met mine I saw she was over at the sneaker section. She was more a tomboy, although I had convinced her to wear a dress to graduation, I did have to pay her and promise to buy her a new
skateboard but it was worth it. She wasn’t always this way though. I have known her since I was seven, when she moved here, and when she was little she loved dressing up. Now, not so much. Although on her and Ross’ first date she did wear a skirt, after arguing with me about it.

“These would look great on you.” I said as I pointed to a pair of white heels that laced up like sneakers.

“Okay! I’ll buy them.” She said happy that I picked a pair without a big heal and that had laces.

“Now let’s check-out and leave before the guys freak.” Rach suggested as she headed back from the register.

“Just let me buy these,” Sam said as she headed over to the register and swiped her card and showed I.D.

After we checked-out, we went out and met the guys.

“Hey,” we all greeted them. Luke and Ross took the bags from Rach and Sam, since they had their bags from the shoe
store. I had found a pair but I needed money and I had left a coupon I had, at home. Although my mom does have money, I don’t like people thinking I get by just by using my mom’s money, so I clip coupons-to which my mom is very grateful.

“Hey.” Nick greeted me, and then kissed me on the cheek.

“What took so long?” Ross teased as he pushed his brown hair out of his blue eyes.

Since we all dated each other at one point in time we are all like best friends. We don’t judge each other and it's cool, we
can be ourselves around each other and not feel self-conscious or nervous. And it is nice to be friends with a guy and get
their point of view on things sometimes. Although when I ask them about a shirt or something they just tell me to ask
Nick so it’s kind of pointless, but they did help when I couldn’t decide between two things to get Nick for our anniversary.

“We’re girls in a store with credit cards! What do you expect?” I said.

“Good point.”

I'm so glad it is almost summer. I couldn’t take being in school anymore,” Luke said as his brown eyes met mine as he shook his brown hair out of his eyes. They were talking about shopping and then he changes the subject to summer. It doesn't quiet makes sense.

“Me too.” I said as Nick put his arm around my shoulders.

We all went to San Diego Prep. A private school near San Diego Zoo. All of our families except Nicks were wealthier, even his isn’t that poor they just aren’t as wealthy. Nick got into this school by scholarship, which I think is cool that he didn’t just get in by paying. Ever since his dad died when he was ten and his mom remarried to a guy named John, before we started dating, his family lost a lot of money. Since his dad was the big money maker. He doesn’t talk about his dad a lot but I know he missed him terribly.

“Now who wants to go get a pretzel and then go see a movie?” Ross asked as we walked toward the movie theater. Ross is a very soft-spoken guy at some times, but not at others. At five nine he can be the most annoying person or the quietest guy-which is why I broke up with him when we dated in seventh grade.

“Me,” I said.

“Me too,” Ross agreed.

“Majority wins then.” Rach said.

Then we started walking to the pretzel stand with Nick’s arm still around my neck.

After we went to see Friday the 13th for the third time since it's been released into movie theaters, my phone vibrated.

‘Mandi you need to come home immediately. I will explain later.
-Heather’


“Nick?” I asked, jerking my neck so fast his arm flew off my shoulders.

“Yeah,” He replied moving his arm so it didn’t fling and hit Rach.

“I have to go home, Heather’s orders.”

“Oh, ok do you need a ride?” He said as he gave me a quick kiss on the lips.

“No, I have my car. Thanks though, see you later.”

“Okay I'm looking forward to it.”

“I’ll text you if plans change.” I told him, “Bye everybody!”

“Bye Mandi,” They all called.

Then I left the mall and got in my Mercedes and headed home.


I already told you about my overall impression, so I'm not going to repeat it. One thing I noticed though is that you have a few sentences that could use some comma's and punctuation. I think I arranged them all, but I might have missed a couple. Good job with the changements, you worked on it and it shows. I'm looking forward t reading more. :)

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 368
Reviews 456
Hey,
I'm honored to be amoung your first reviewer. Don't take anything I say too harshly :) On to your review:

My eyes moved over her what used to be slender frame before she got pregnant, eight months ago.

This semtemce is a little confusing. Try re-wording it. Suggestion: My eyes moved over what used to be her slender frame, before she got pregnant eight months ago.

She is in excellent shape, and I can only hope to have a figure like that when I reach her age and have had three kids and expecting one.

You switch to present tense here with the word is. The story can't be in both present and past tense, so try to watch out for that.

“Mom, I have plans with Sam and Rachel. And later tonight I'm going out with Nick.”

Never start a sentence with a conjunction (and,but,so,or,nor,yet,for). They are used to conjoin two complete sentences with a comma, so when you use them at the beginning of a sentence it makes it into a fragment. To fix this turn the period into a comma and lower case and.

“Ok! Tell me what you want and I’ll get it for you. Oh and Mandi remember you have to do the dishes tonight and vacuum the house.” She said reminding me of my usual chores.

Put a comma after want so that it is a complete sentence. Add a comma after Oh because there's a natural pause there. Add a comma after Mandi because you addressing someone by name. Put a comma after house instead of a period because you put she said at the end. When using dialogue and saying she said he said she replied he replied, you have to use a comma instead of a period at the end of the dialogue because that makes it a complete sentence. If I use something like "I love you." He smiled. He smiled is a separate sentence, so instead of putting a comma after you I put a period to make the dialogue itself into a separate sentence. If this is confusing just write on my wall, and I'll try to explain it further.

“I won’t forget about my chores and I’m going to the mall with everyone no need for you to go,” Then, seeing the sad, upset look on her face, I quickly added, “but we could have a girls night out one night, just the two of us.”
Then her face got all happy.

Put a comma after chores to make it a complete sentence. Put a period after go because it'll fix up the run-on sentence you have here. I personally don't think theres a need to put both sad and upset because basically they have the same meaning. I would suggest taking one out. also, there's no description here. Through the first part of this chapter you have told the audience everything. Show them some detail; instead of saying Then her face got all happy you could put: She brightly smile brightened the room once again. (Cheesey I know, but it's just an example.)

“Ok sweetie.”

Spell out ok (okay). Also, add a comma after okay because there is a natural pause there.

“Don’t call me sweetie!” she said as she looked up just to get the money then quickly averted her blue eyes away from my mom.

add a comma after said, so that this is not a run-on sentence.

I could hear Bri’s voice coming from the living room and I instantly thought of my dad.

add a comma after room, so that this isn't a run-on sentence.

Not that they sound alike at all, in fact they're complete opposites, but that she was the one that would help my parents patch up their relationship when my parents were fighting, which was about half of their marriage.

This sentence is way to jumbled up. First question) Why would Bri's voice remind her of her father just because Bri helped them with their marriage when it was falling apart? Also, how old is Bri? Usually children aren't the ones who patch up the marriage. The parents would try to hide that fact that they were having problems. I'm not saying the chi9ldren can't notice somethings wrong; I'm just saying parents wouldn't accept help from their children because they wouldn't want their children involved in the domestic issues. Another fact, in your story only use nicknames like Bri in dialogue, so that the readers do not get confused. This sentence seems to be a little irrelavent, so my suggestion would to just take this out entirely,, but if you think you can clean it up a bit to make a little more sense than by all means go ahead.

“Mom? I'm going out with Jake tonight.” Heather said as she appeared from the basement, where she had been working out.

Put a comma after said.

She is always complaining that she needed more time to work out. Even though she works out for like two hours every day, which is why she’s really thin.

add more description to this. How thin is she? does she eat alot? Is there a reason she thinks she needs to work? does her family have a history of obesity? Is she afraid to become fat? Give us more description. Heres an example of telling and showing:
Telling: She is thin.
Showing: Her pants, a size zero, could barely stay up; even though she had a belt on, fully tightened.
right now through the whole chapter you have been telling us the story, instead of showing us. Give us something interesting to read, so that we want to know more. I really like this so far, and it can only get better with added description.

It wasn’t unusual for Heather to go out with Jake, her boyfriend. She was twenty-two now and has given me advice about boys, since we are really close. She is hoping he proposes one of these days. Not that she tells me, I just know it.

alot of the information you give about the main characters sisters seems to be irrelavent. Try to incorporate it into tyhe story instead of info dumping on your readers. (Giving them excess infomation, alot at a time).

“Ok. Have fun!” mom said pushed the plate of bacon towards me. I took three pieces.

Put a comma after ok instead of a period because ok is not a full sentence; also, spell out the word ok. add a comma after said, so that this is not a run-on sentence, and because said is your verb it should be pushing instead of pushed.

“Oh, guys I'm gonna have to work tonight. I might not be home until later.”

who is saying this? Heather?

This is the job she uses to provide for the family with ever since my dad left.

This sentence needs a little clean up. Suggestion: This is the job she provides the family with ever since dad left.
Also, you add that fact that the main character's dad has left quite alot, so I think for the reader it's getting a little redundant.

She is the one who I would talk to about my dad after he left, when I was in denial.

This sentence seems to be coming out of no where. This whole paragraph seems to be info dumping onto the reader. Try spreading this information throughout the chapter. Try to show the reader how much the mom missed the father instead of just telling us. The chapter could get very boring that way. (with you telling us everything)

She is mad at my dad for leaving us, although she is mad mostly just to try and hide the sadness.

This is a run-on sentence, and it doesn't really make any sense. Why is she mad?

Nick is my boyfriend. He is like a best friend to me he helps me through the good and bad times. We first met at a party.

Info dumping! this whole paragraph is. Show us!

We were all playing spin the bottle and it landed on both of us.

Add a comma after bottle, so this isn't a run-on sentence.

Then he asked me out and I said yes.

Add a comma after out, so this isn't a run-on sentence.

He has brown hair and has blue eyes.

Take out the word has before blue. It's a less complicated sentence that way.

He is very sweet and I could never let him go.

Add a comma after sweet so that this is not a run-on sentence.

I like him very much.

This is present tense, and alot of the story is in past tense. Try picking just one tense, and keeping it through out the story.

If we broke up I would probably miss his laugh the most.

Does she think they are going to break? This whole paragraph, and the other like it that are all info dumping, take away from the chapter itself. it wraps the read too much into the character instead of into the plot.

It’s all ‘our team is going to lose, our defense sucks,’ blah, blah, blah.

Instead of saying this maybe you could just say, now hes just too obsessed with sports to care about laughing.

‘Yes.’ I texted him as I walked up to my room and heard the TV blaring from the walls its hung on beside all my posters and pictures of my friends.

Take out the period after yes. It is nto needed. theres needs to be an apostrophe in its because it is a contraction of it is. Put a semi-colon (;) after walls because this is a run-on sentence of two complete sentences without a conjunction.

Our house is awesome!

This is such a break from the story. I just don't liek this sentence being here, but that's just my opinion.

There’s one passage from my room into another, secret room, when I found out about it, it smelled like dead animals, and now after I redecorated it and sprayed it with ten bottles of vanilla spray, the air smells nice and it looks great.

If you pray that much vanilla spray on top of a nasty smell than it's just going to mask the smell making it smeel more disgusting. I suggest having her clean it instead. Also, is there a reason it smells liek dead animals? If a room hasn't been used in a while it should smell of moths and mold or something along those lines.

As I logged onto Facebook, Selena and Amber, my two dogs, came into my room and jumped onto my bed. We also have Nemo, a rabbit and Taylor my orange tabby cat, who acted more as a dog than a cat. We also have two Yorkshire terriers, Milo and Sandy, two Maltese, Vanessa and Abby, a brown tabby, Eliza, and another orange tabby, Carra.

wow, that's alot of pets...

“Mandi, dear. You father sent you a check do you want me to cash it?” my mom said as she walked by my room carrying the laundry basket, doing Bri’s chore for her.

Add a comma after said. also, if her father has left without saying a word why would he send only one daughter a check? If he was going to send money, wouldn't it be for child support for all three children? since they all still live with their mom. Is there a reason 22 year old heather still lives with her mom, by the way?

Ever since the divorce she has been afraid to yell at us, in fear of losing us so she does our chores if we forget to do them

Period after them to finish the sentence.

“Yes, please, and mom? You should really contact dad before the baby’s born,” I said as I pet Amber’s golden fur.

Comma after said.

“Amanda, we will not have this conversation again,” she said as she walked away.

Put a comma after said.

My dad is in Brazil studying a new plant that may be able to cure cancer. About seven or eight months ago he just packed up and left.

So, he left to study for a cure for cancer. Did he ever say he wasn't coming back? Maybe he's doing this for his job? Give us a little more detail without info dumping on us, please :).

I missed him for the first month or two, and then I realized that it was his decision to leave, I had nothing to do with it; no one did.

Clean up this sentence. It should look liek this: I missed him for the first month or two, and then I realized that it was his decision to leave; I had nothing to do with it, and no one else did either.

I know it sounds stupid but it helps me.

Put a comma after stupid.

He didn’t know that my mom was pregnant when he left because and she hasn’t told him because, as my mom thinks, it would make her seem like she was begging him to come back.

The bold part of this sentence doesn't make sense try to re-word it so that it does.

When I got to the mall Rach, Sam and I went to the shoe store to pick out our graduation day shoes, since we already had our outfits picked out.

Don't use nicknames such as rach throughout the story; only use them in dialogue.

“I love these. They would look super good on you,” I said to Rach, as I held up a pair of clear-ish white high heels.

Watch out for using the nickname here as well. spell out her full name; if you don't it makes you look lazy. (sorry for being harsh, but it does.)

“How much longer?” Luke asked as he walked in to the store with a small soda and pretzel.

Who is Luke? Add a comma after asked so that it is not a run-on sentence.

I joke around with him that the more he eats he just gets taller since he’s like six one six two.

Bravo for spelling out the numbers! add a comma after one.

“Fine! I am dying to try the Chinese places new chicken.” He said as he left the store and headed to Panda Express.

add a comma after said.

At this Rach rolled her eyes.

rachel rolled her eyes.

Luke and her have been going out for two years now and they are past that awkward stage where you pretend to be perfect in the relationship.

Put a comma after two years now, so that this is not a run-on sentence.

As I turned back to Rach I saw her trying on the shoes I had showed her.

Rachel.

Every time I look at her it makes me want to look like her. She’s the average American blond hair and blue eyes. I have known her for seventeen years-my entire life- since, well, we are neighbors.

Info dumping.

“Are you sure?” Rach asked me with a questioning look on her face.

You do say that her name is Rachel in the very beginnig right? Or is her name really Rach? If so sorry about the nitpicking on using nicknames throughout the story, but if her name is really Rachel you never even use it in the story...

“If you say so,” She said as she picked them up and walked toward the register and pulled out her Visa card.

add a comma after said.

She was more a tomboy, although I had convinced her to wear a dress to graduation, I did have to pay her and promise to buy her a new skateboard but it was worth it.

add a comma after skateboard, and this is info dumping. The fact that she is in the sneaker section looking for shoes to do with her dress is evidence enough that she is a tomboy.

She wasn’t always this way though. I have known her since I was seven, when she moved here, and when she was little she loved dressing up. Now, not so much. Although on her and Ross’ first date she did wear a skirt, after arguing with me about it.

Info dumping.

“These would look great on you.” I said as I pointed to a pair of white heels that laced up like sneakers.

Add a comma after said.

“Okay! I’ll buy them.” She said happy that I picked a pair without a big heal and that had laces.

Add a comma after said.

“Now let’s check-out and leave before the guys freak.” Rach suggested as she headed back from the register..

No need for a double period.

“Just let me buy these,” Sam said as she headed over to the register and swiped her card and showed I.D.

Add a comma after said.

I had found a pair but I needed money and I had left a coupon I had at home.

Add a comma after money so that this is not a run-on sentence.

Since we all dated each other at one point in time we are all like best friends.

It usually doesn't work this way. I don't want to see my ex-boyfriend dating a friend of mine or vice versa.

We don’t judge each other and it's cool, we can be ourselves around each other and not feel self-conscious or nervous.

Do'nt use a comma after cool use a sei-colon (;) So that this is a complete sentence and not a run-on.

And it is nice to be friends with a guy and get their point of view on things sometimes.

Don't start a sentence with a conjunction. In this case you can just take it out, and the rest of the sentence will still make sense.

Although when I ask them about a shirt or something they just tell me to ask Nick so it’s kind of pointless, but they did help when I couldn’t decide between two things to get Nick for our anniversary.

this kind of random information distracts from your story.

“I'm so glad it is almost summer. I couldn’t take being in school anymore,” Luke said as his brown eyes met mine as he shook his brown hair out of his eyes.

Add a comma after said.

“Me too.” I said as Nick put his arm on my shoulders.

add a comma after said.

We all went to San Diego Prep. A private school near San Diego Zoo. All of our families except Nicks were wealthier, even his isn’t that poor they just aren’t as wealthy. Nick got into this school by scholarship, which I think is cool that he didn’t just get in by paying. Ever since his dad died when he was ten and his mom remarried to a guy named John, before we started dating, his family lost a lot of money. Since his dad was the big money maker. He doesn’t talk about his dad a lot but I know he missed him terribly.

Info dumping is very distracting to this story try avoiding this, and rather just add little bits of information along the whole chapter.

‘Mandi you need to come home immediately. I will explain later.
-Heather’

Normally people do not check their phones during a movie in the movie theatre because it is very distracting adn rude to the other movie goers.

I love the cliff hanger at the end. I think with alot of work this could be a very interesting, and good first chapter to a novel. I realyl want to read more, so when you post the next chapter please PM or write on my wall. Thanks for the read, and I hope this review helped you out. if you have any questions just ask me.

Have a great day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1091
Reviews 9
i really liked your story so far and i'm interested to see what happens next.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4449
Reviews 82
Alright this is great so far. I am going to check out part 2. The other reviewers have already pointed out all the errors I see.
"No life is forever. We found and fought here. We loved and died here... The crops whither and the bones of hunger walk the sunken roads... The land has failed us... In dance and song we gift and mourn our children. They carry us over the ocean in dance and song.
-American Wake by Riverdance



Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.
— Mark Twain