My New Life Chp.1

"I hate this town." I complained looking out the car window at my new home. MayVille was a cute little suburban town with a widely spread out community and countryside, at least thats what the brochure says. But to me it looked like ever other town we had moved to in the past 10 years of my life.
"Oh lighten up Alexis, this is our new home. We'll be staying here for good." My mom said smiling to herself.
"I hate this town." I repeated glancing at my phone. I got a new text message from Cat.

How ugly is it? It read.
Very I replied adding a frowny face for sympathy.
Miss you already!! XOXO She replied.
Yuck we're here! Go to go, I'll text you later bye I said shutting down my phone.

"Woah, this place is tight!" Joey replied jumping out of the van. "Yo, I'm just twelve and all but I'm gonna be having some parties here!"
"Joey, cut it with the whole gangster act!" I said ruffling his shaggy blond hair.
"Sorry Alexis, cause once you go black, you never go back!" He said laughing.
"Joey, I'm five years older than you, and probably way smarter but even I don't understand that! You're like the whitest kid I know!" I laughed pushing past him.
The house was a three story building with white stone for the structure, it had a sloped brown roof with large windows with dark brown wooden panels. It was honestly the best house I've ever seen. Stuck in awe I was surprised when I heard laughing. I turned my head to see to boys about my age walking by. I pulled down my blond hair that was pulled up in a ponytail. I fluttered my blue eyes in a flirty way as the glanced at me with a grin. "Hey babe, see you at school Monday." One of them said.
"Ok." I said smiling, with a flip of my hair.
The boys disapeared from sight just as my parents came out of the car. Handing me and my brother the suitcase's we headed into our new home. It was already furnished with beautiful couches, chairs, tables, everything. I raced up the stairs and picked out my room. It was on the third floor, the bed was placed on the far wall and there was a fireplace across from it, there was a futon and a small table opposite of the fireplace as well but much closer than my bed. There was a huge plasma screen t.v. above the firplace. A huge window stood beside my bed, this room was about the size of my old living room. Directly against the window there was a desk with a new laptop and lamp, and a huge bathroom seperate. "Well, what do you think? I hope this gift help's you settle into our new home!" My mom said walking into my room.
"Mom, I love it! Thank you so much!" I cried hugging her.
"Well, you're seventeen now, so consider this as a late birthday present!" She said with a smile. "Well hon, I gotta run! Watch your brother me and your dad are going out with some friends! Bye!"
"Hey Joey! Would you mind staying here alone for a while? I'm going to walk around the neighborhood for a while." I called down the stairs as I pulled on a cute top and some shorts. I checked myself out in the mirror, good slim figure, hair looks great and make up looks sexy.
"Sure, I got a plasma screen, I think I'll be fine." He answered. I bounded down the stairs and out the front door as I saw the boys I had seen earlier walk in front of my house again.
"Wow babe is that where you live?" The one with shaggy brown hair and green eye's asked.
"Yeah. I just moved here, do you live here too?" I asked stepping closer to them.
"No, but I wish I do, now. But my man Peyton does, he lives right there, I think that you are neighbors." He said with a flick of his hair.
I glanced at Peyton, he was like an older version of Justin Bieber, except hotter and he probably didn't sing. "What's you're name?" I asked Peyton's friend.
"Oh I'm Alec. So do you go to the highschool around here?" He asked.
"I guess so. Maybe we have some classes together." I said smiling.
"My third, first, and fifth period teachers all said there was going to be a new student in class." Peyton suddenly spoke up.
"Cool, what about you Alec?" I asked him.
"Uh, well I have all those periods with him, but I think that my second and last period teachers said something like that too." He replied shaking his hair once again.
Beep Beep I reached for my phone and read my message from Cat.
Oh my god! I have the best new ever! Guess who just asked me out! It said.
Who? I replied.
Derek!!!!!!!! ( Hyper squeal) She replied.
Oh my god! I replied.
Text you in a second, a really hot guy seems to like me! I texted.
Okey dokey! She said back.

"Hey Alexis, I was wondering if you wanted to eat lunch with us tomorrow at school. You don't have to, it's just that I was wondering." Alec said glancing at his shoes.
"Oh my God I'd love to!" I said with a squeal.
"Great see you later, I guess I'll get your number tomorrow. Bye." Alec said turning on his heel with Peyton close behind. Peyton looked behind him and glared at me.
Did you forget? He texted me.
I glanced at my phone and texted back Never.
Blowing him a kiss I headed back into my house, I will always remember what happened between me and Peyton in the ninth grade.

Agithy, so

Firstly, the smileys
Cute? yes
Distracting? Very.
I'd suggest replacing them with the computer symbols (:D, ) if you have to have them at all

Second, Believability

The house was a three story building with white stone for the structure, it had a sloped brown roof with large windows with dark brown wooden panels. It was honestly the best house I've ever seen. Stuck in awe I was surprised when I heard laughing. I turned my head to see to boys about my age walking by. I pulled down my blond hair that was pulled up in a ponytail. I fluttered my blue eyes in a flirty way as the glanced at me with a grin. "Hey babe, see you at school Monday." One of them said.
"Ok." I said smiling, with a flip of my hair.

Really?
She's that pretty?
That would not happen to most girls, or the girl would be seriously creeped out.
I'm going to say to do a mary sure test (http://www.ponylandpress.com/ms-test.html)
To make sure you character isn't a mary-sue.


And lastly, yu have simple mistakes like

Watch your brother me and your dad are going out with some friends!

Comma, or period there, for instance.

I think thats it.
PM me or Write on my wall if you have any questions
~WickedWonder

Hello. I'm Nike! Here to review this piece.

Cassie9960 wrote:"I hate this town." I complained looking out the car window at my new home. MayVille was a cute little suburban town with a widely spread out community and countryside, at least thats what the brochure says. But to me it looked like ever other town we had moved to in the past 10 years of my life.

More description. This does have description but not enough. I can't imagine it at all. For one, I hve moved place to place and so has your character. But I can't imagine myself in her place.

Cassie9960 wrote:"Oh lighten up Alexis, this is our new home. We'll be staying here for good." My mom said smiling to herself.
"I hate this town." I repeated glancing at my phone. I got a new text message from Cat.

Description!!

Cassie9960 wrote: How ugly is it? It read.
Very I replied adding a frowny face for sympathy.
Miss you already!! XOXO She replied.
Yuck we're here! Go to go, I'll text you later bye I said shutting down my phone.

Can you do this without the smiley's? It's cute but annoying.

Cassie9960 wrote: "Woah, this place is tight!" Joey replied jumping out of the van. "Yo, I'm just twelve and all but I'm gonna be having some parties here!"
"Joey, cut it with the whole gangster act!" I said ruffling his shaggy blond hair.
"Sorry Alexis, cause once you go black, you never go back!" He said laughing.
"Joey, I'm five years older than you, and probably way smarter but even I don't understand that! You're like the whitest kid I know!" I laughed pushing past him.

Conversation seems fake. Like, unbeleivable. Try to make it more realistic. Also, you change tenses, you can't do that!

Cassie9960 wrote:The house was a three story building with white stone for the structure, it had a sloped brown roof with large windows with dark brown wooden panels. It was honestly the best house I've ever seen. Stuck in awe I was surprised when I heard laughing. I turned my head to see to boys about my age walking by. I pulled down my blond hair that was pulled up in a ponytail. I fluttered my blue eyes in a flirty way as the glanced at me with a grin. "Hey babe, see you at school Monday." One of them said.

Unbelieveble. How can a simple girl ( if you're trying to write something to influence teenager's to read it, the girl has to be simple but with your touch. Have you ever read about a girl like that?) get them in a snap? Fix that. The description is bland. How do they know that she's going to their school?

Cassie9960 wrote: "Ok." I said smiling, with a flip of my hair.
The boys disapeared from sight just as my parents came out of the car. Handing me and my brother the suitcase's we headed into our new home. It was already furnished with beautiful couches, chairs, tables, everything. I raced up the stairs and picked out my room. It was on the third floor, the bed was placed on the far wall and there was a fireplace across from it, there was a futon and a small table opposite of the fireplace as well but much closer than my bed. There was a huge plasma screen t.v. above the firplace. A huge window stood beside my bed, this room was about the size of my old living room. Directly against the window there was a desk with a new laptop and lamp, and a huge bathroom seperate. "Well, what do you think? I hope this gift help's you settle into our new home!" My mom said walking into my room.

I hate the description here. It's boring and repeatable. Too many there's, it's, that's. BRING IT TO LIFE! Really, I can't imagine anything here. Spice up your description.

Cassie9960 wrote:"Mom, I love it! Thank you so much!" I cried hugging her.
"Well, you're seventeen now, so consider this as a late birthday present!" She said with a smile. "Well hon, I gotta run! Watch your brother me and your dad are going out with some friends! Bye!"
"Hey Joey! Would you mind staying here alone for a while? I'm going to walk around the neighborhood for a while." I called down the stairs as I pulled on a cute top and some shorts. I checked myself out in the mirror, good slim figure, hair looks great and make up looks sexy.

Here the talk is fake. Make it more real. I don't know how the people look! Description on everything! And how can a girl even be that perfect? Do you want girls to like, kill themselves with plastic surgery over and over again? Sorry, but it's too perfect. Girls influate themselves to characters from books. We see mistakes in lives all the time, your girl is perfect.

Cassie9960 wrote:"Sure, I got a plasma screen, I think I'll be fine." He answered. I bounded down the stairs and out the front door as I saw the boys I had seen earlier walk in front of my house again.
"Wow babe is that where you live?" The one with shaggy brown hair and green eye's asked.
"Yeah. I just moved here, do you live here too?" I asked stepping closer to them.
"No, but I wish I do, now. But my man Peyton does, he lives right there, I think that you are neighbors." He said with a flick of his hair.
I glanced at Peyton, he was like an older version of Justin Bieber, except hotter and he probably didn't sing. "What's you're name?" I asked Peyton's friend.

I'm not going to say anything on the Justin Bieber comment. Why? Because I hate him. But the truth is, not all people know JB that well so describe his look (I've mentioned this earlier!). Describe how she gets down outside. She doesn't just pop up there, now does she? Fake convo! *Screams*

Cassie9960 wrote: "Oh I'm Alec. So do you go to the highschool around here?" He asked.
"I guess so. Maybe we have some classes together." I said smiling.
"My third, first, and fifth period teachers all said there was going to be a new student in class." Peyton suddenly spoke up.
"Cool, what about you Alec?" I asked him.
"Uh, well I have all those periods with him, but I think that my second and last period teachers said something like that too." He replied shaking his hair once again.
Beep Beep I reached for my phone and read my message from Cat.
Oh my god! I have the best new ever! Guess who just asked me out! It said.
Who? I replied.
Derek!!!!!!!! ( Hyper squeal) She replied.
Oh my god! I replied.
Text you in a second, a really hot guy seems to like me! I texted.
Okey dokey! She said back.

Noramlly we don't say "My third, first, and fifth period teachers all said...". This is just wierd.

Cassie9960 wrote: "Hey Alexis, I was wondering if you wanted to eat lunch with us tomorrow at school. You don't have to, it's just that I was wondering." Alec said glancing at his shoes.
"Oh my God I'd love to!" I said with a squeal.
"Great see you later, I guess I'll get your number tomorrow. Bye." Alec said turning on his heel with Peyton close behind. Peyton looked behind him and glared at me.
Did you forget? He texted me.
I glanced at my phone and texted back Never.
Blowing him a kiss I headed back into my house, I will always remember what happened between me and Peyton in the ninth grade.

*Laughs* How does he know her name? And what's up with the text Peyton sends Alexis? Fill us in. DESCRIBE!!!

Phew! *yawns* alright I'm done here. I hope that I helped. I'm sorry that I was harsh there, you want a good story then here come the reviiews to help you!
Overall: I didn't and did like it. I've moved from place-to-place and I know how hard it can be, but she seems to just know everyone like that *snaps fingers*. Now, I loved the idea! Give us some insdie scoop on everything, Peyton, Alexia, Family, ect. And who's Cat? Devon? Also, she was bummed out, wouldn't she just sit in her room mad since she hated the place? It's shocking how fast she gets happy, even unrealistic! And if she said she hates it there, how does she know Peyton!?

Hope I helped! And if you want me to review something again then PM me. If you want help PM me. I'm here to help my fellow writer's!
Keep Writing!
Nike

Thanks for the review! I'll stop with the smileys. Secondly, I hate justin bieber too, but some girls think he's way hot. I just thought that that would be a good description. OK well keep an eye out for the next chapters!





Thanks!
~Cassie~

I hope everyone is enjoying my work! I'm going to be posting the next chapter soon! I've just been busy working on a different story! It's called the Vampire's Story: A New Begining. Check it out!